When Does "Talking" Turn to "Gossip"?

Ditto a lot of the women here below.

Gossip is saying things without fact and not knowing if it is true or not. And being denigrating about it, about the person.
And saying it... while knowingly... divulging a person's privacy and/or if they told you, it is private and do not tell anyone.
It is, destroying their confidentiality, as well.

But among all friends and chatting, many things are chatted about.. in the realm of "conversation." But that does not mean, divulging another person's confidential information.

People usually gossip... but among FRIENDS... then chatting/talking/having a conversation... should not be about talking "stink" about that other friend that is not there.
A friend.... would not do that to another friend. Nor mock them.

Gossip, is usually done with in a negative way, about another person.

To me it is gossip when one says something about someone that they haven't or would never mentioned to said person. Ex. I think Barbara wears too much makeup. I tell Jane this and we agree and discuss how Barbara looks like a clown. That is gossip. If, on the other hand, I say Barb, I think you need to tone down the eyeliner...you look like an addict and then tell Jane that I told Barbara this, it isn't gossip.

If you wouldn't say it in their presence or to their face it is gossip.

Talking or venting is fine amongst friends. It's when they ask you to choose sides or it becomes hurtful. If I won't say it to your face or in front of you - I shouldn't say it to others.

Gossip is telling lies.
Gossip is intentionally trying to hurt someone.
Gossip is intentionally telling lies or untruths about someone to slander them or turn people against them.

I will call people if I've talked about them and say I said this about you with so and so. because I have played telephone and I know how things get messed up and mis-stated.

If your friend thinks she talked badly, she should not talk that way. Her conscience is bothering her, and she should not violate her conscience.

Gossip is considered to be "idle talk or rumor about the personal affairs of others." By connotation, gossip also takes in the entertainment value of this idle talk. Some people are never happier than when talking about others - even if what is said is not - or may not - be true. They're even unhappy when they don't have any dirt to dish! You know the type.

I don't think all talk about others is gossip. A lot of it has to do with what is said, why, and how. Jane Austen wrote, "For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbours, and laugh at them in our turn?" But we can hurt others and ourselves badly by what we say and how we say it.

You may be able to handle more than some other people can. You might even... think about asking a close friend to tell you when you go over the line from conversation to gossip just to double-check yourself.

When the person being talked about isn't there to confirm or deny what is being said.

I haven't read your other responses, but right off the bat I think that if you wouldn't say it to their face, then it probably falls into the 'gossip' column.

It's gossip if you wouldn't say it to the other party's face.

It's gossip if you "heard" it, but didn't experience it first hand.

It's gossip if you take a story that is true & elaborate on what else you think might have happened & add your own details.

I don't think it's appropriate to talk with a group about a mutual friend who is not present. I don't think it's fair to burden your friends with talk about someone who is their friend, too. Venting to someone who is not part of the group is perfectly fine, IMO.

In general, I don't think it's ever a good think to share someone else's business with anyone else.

Gossip Noun: Casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true.

It's natural for the topic of mutual friends to come up in conversation.
I think when the conversation has unflattering or non-factual components, then it's a slippery slope. Although technically "gossip" can be flattering and not venomous.

A few examples:

Non-Gossip: John and Mary left for Cabo today. They were SO excited when I saw them yesterday, they were getting the final details done to get ready to leave.
Gossip: John and Mary left for Cabo today. I could never leave my kids like that. I just don't think it's right. But they didn't seem at all concerned.

Non-Gossip. We need a new car badly. The Smiths have a Honda that they love and it's been reliable for 12 years!
Gossip: We need a new car badly. The Smiths spent $30,000 on their Honda van. Too bad we don't have money like that to burn. But she spends like there's no tomorrow....and I think they financed it for 7 years.

I think we all know the line when someone crosses from conversation to gossip--could be an eye roll, a smart comment, or a topic that you would never want the other person to know that you said.

Ah...once again...the Golden Rule....wouldn't it be nice if everyone just followed that? LOL

I talk about friends to friends. It's something everyone does...

My rule is not to say anything about a person that I would feel ashamed saying IN FRONT of that person. If I can't say it to her face, I don't need to be saying it behind her back.

Although, if a friend needs to vent to me about another friend, I will listen. I also keep the vent to myself.

Well, it can get you fired from your job if you do it on the computer at work, especially if you are talking about your boss and/or your boss's wife and children...

It can also get you fired if you use the computer to do non-work related things whether you are gossiping or not. (Like writing on MP...)

Gossiping is talking about hearsay rather than first person things. If you tell someone that someone did something nasty to you, that's not gossiping. That's outing someone for their bad behavior and not enabling it. In a way, protecting someone else so that they may not have to go through what you have gone through. Bullies like to keep their actions quiet so that they don't have to take responsibility for their bullying. If you are quiet about what they do, it gives them power. I don't believe in giving bullies power like that.

That doesn't seem to be what is going on in your friend's circumstance, though. Your friend felt bad about what she said, apologized, and next time will think twice about it. What I would say to her, in front of everyone at the next gathering, is that perhaps what everyone should do is talk in a way that they themselves would not mind hearing about themselves. Basically, if you feel that you have to go to these gatherings so that people won't talk about you, then they are gossiping too much. You should be able to miss a gathering and people not use you as "the" person to talk about. Make sense?

And yes - I agree with the others to say to their faces what you will say about them.

Hope this helps,
Dawn

It's good that your friend saw the error of her ways.

I think gossip is when a person talks about another person in a non-positive way (to other people who mutually know the person being talked about)

The only person I vent with is my dh or on Mamapedia! These forums do wonders to get things off your chest without causing any damage!

It's been very challenging to teach all of this to my 9yo dd. She has said a few things about people that came back to bite her. She's still a work in progress like the rest of us!

When you mention NAMES that's when you cross the line.
When you keep it hypothetical, it would not be gossip.

i read the responses and everyone has it so clearly defined for themselves.

I probably cross the line into gossip alot because i need to have people give me reality checks that i'm not being too sensitive about situation or that i really did interpret someone's snotty comment the way they intended. so i ask my friends,

I struggle soooo hard to make converstation with people and maybe that is part of it, If i'm not complimenting someone, or braggin about myself, i have no idea what else to talk about, i'm not like some of you that can debate politics and religion for 3 days. So i talk about what is around us and soemtimes that is other people.

i read somewhere that women build their social networks this way. It does connect people. I try never to be ugly about it though, just more questioning.

venting here helps alot.

to me gossip is two-part. first there's the "I HEARD!" something. doesn't have to be true. doesn't have to be mean spirited, even. but if you don't know for a fact that it's true (AND the person doesn't mind it being discussed) then it's just gossip. which brings me to part two - whether the person would want it to be discussed or not. if yes, it's not gossip. if no, then it's none of our business and we should keep quiet.

i don't think venting or asking for support or advice about a situation is gossip - even if it involves someone else. but i would be careful if it was something the person involved may not want to be common knowledge....

I think it is gossip when it is mean spirited or negative. Telling a story about a mutual friend (or just another person in general) that is funny, interesting, etc is fine as far as I'm concerned. But if the way you are telling it is to put the other person down, to show they are bad in some way, or just generally to put them in a negative light, then I would consider that gossip.

With mutual friends, we talk about each other, even critically, but we don't say things that we wouldn't say in that person's presence. It might sound to an outsider like we're trashing each other, but we just speak candidly. It's a mutual respect and understanding that we have. We know exactly who each other is, and we love each other for it.

Your friend is probably feeling guilty because she is saying things that she wouldn't want these people to know that she is saying about them, which calls her intentions into question. If that is the issue, then maybe she IS betraying a confidence or being catty with a relationship that cannot sustain that kind of pressure.

I do have moments of wanting to be catty. I admit that I will find a nugget and chew on it and share it, but only with certain trusted people who won't mention it outside that context and who don't know the people involved and who know that this is a rare event for me to be sharing in such a way. As a rule, I try not say anything about anybody that I wouldn't want that person to find out. I also don't share info that I have not confirmed as fact. I'm really big on sticking to facts when relaying information and leaving emotions out of it.

I disagree with the statement that gossip is gossip if you say it behind the back of the person and not to the person's face. There are bold people who would do both and label such as non gossip because "shux I told it to her face last night and now I am telling mamapedia"! We can tell a person that they are acting nasty and than go gossip about it to the rest of the group, why tell the group if we told the person?! To get the group to FORM an opinion that is why! because we can be gossipers. LOL :)

Gossip IMHO is talking about the character, intentions of someone else to get others to form an opinion.

I agree with when you mention names ect that can be gossip, you can vent to a friend about a hypothetical situation that a hypothetical person put you in and ask for advice you leave the person you are venting to give you a hypothetical answer without judging the person or forming an opinion of the person you are venting about.

Actually that is the way I will handle things from now on because I to try not to gossip because gossip does hurt!

When I got married, my mother gave be the best advice....."When you talk about your husband and he is not there, talk about him as if he were standing right next to you." I apply this, as best as I can, to all of my friends and family.

What a great topic and I love all the answers. Made me take a moment to make sure I'm speaking appropriately. May I add one comment. I think it also becomes gossip when the situation belongs to someone else. i.e., "Did you hear what happened to Suzie?"

I use the same rule of thumb as Angela. When speaking about someone else, whether it's a friend, family member, or acquaintance, I make sure to speak about them as if they were really there listening to everything I was saying.

Another rule is to assume that whatever comes out of my mouth will make its way back to the person being talked about even if it's been "agreed upon" that the conversation never leaves that room.

I also think about whether or not the words I'm about to use will harm the other person's reputation or negatively affect how other people will think about them. If the answer is yes and I know that it's yes, I either rephrase what I'm going to say or I don't say it at all.

If I don't feel at all comfortable with what's being discussed, I say so. Even if I dislike the person intensely, I will speak up for them. "So and So isn't here to defend themselves and it doesn't feel right talking about them like this, so I'm out." Or even, "You know, I'm not fond of So and So, but I don't believe that's true and they're not here to speak up for themselves. I'd rather change the subject."

What works the best? "Wow, I really hope that when I'm not here, you guys don't talk about me this way." If someone is willing to gossip about others so blatantly, then they're gossiping about you too. I guarantee it.

Your friend that was talking about the person who wasn't there and then was uncomfortable later on? Yeah, she was right.