My stepdaughter's parents have been divorced for six years. Recently she has been going through a phase where she wants pictures of her mom and her half-sister all over her room. She put pictures up on her dresser, desk, etc.
She sees her mom every other day, and spends every other weekend with her so it's not like they don't see each other much.
It's upsetting to my husband (her dad) and me to go in her room and see all those pictures up all over so we had a talk with her and told her that although mommy and daddy are still friends, mommy doesn't live here and we are a family here so she should put mommy's pictures in her very special album, but not all over her room. She also doesn't have any pictures of us up all over her room at her mom's so we need to treat each place the same.
Mom has just split with her live-in boyfriend (and father of my stepdaughter's half-sister) so I can understand she has some mixed-up feelings lately.
Our thinking is that having all those pictures up upsets my husband and me, and it also keeps reminding her of the issues over there.
I told her she could keep ONE picture up for now. Were we too harsh?
I would also like to add that that our counselor has advised us that she not be reminded of the turmoil of her mom's house at our house. She's supposed to have ONE stable place to live at and that's supposed to be our house. If she wants to talk about something that's bothering her from over there then we can talk but otherwise we're not to bring it up or ask "how is mommy?" This is supposed to curb the antagonistic behavior that she displays after being at mommy's house. So far that has helped a lot.
Also, before you are so quick to judge if you are not a stepmom, imagine that there's a room in YOUR house with pictures of your husband's ex all over it and tell me that it wouldn't bother you. I can see, if you're a MOM then you would want your own child (your own flesh and blood) to be able to have access to pictures of YOU at any time. That makes you a good mom, and if you weren't you wouldn't be on mamasource looking for advice and giving advice. That being said, I'm asking you to look at the OTHER SIDE. Be the stepmom and have your stepchild have pictures of YOUR HUSBAND'S EX all over a room in your home. An ex that causes you lots of problems in the present time.
Thanks.
Thanks for your opinions!
It is my firm belief that we all have rights in our home, a home is a place that is safe for everyone, not just one person. I don't consider one person in our house to be more important than the other. In our home we compromise for each other's comfort, everyone gives a little.
I have decided that until my stepdaughter is old enough to fully take care of her room, she's going to have to compromise with the family. Divorces are hard for EVERYONE. Just because she's a child doesn't make her feelings MORE or LESS important. All of our feelings need to be taken into consideration.
My husband and I do everything for my stepdaughter. We drive her back and forth to her mom's, we sign her up, pay for and take her to all her activities. We get her friends, we make sure she bathes and eats right. We homeschool her and teach her manners. Her mom is a bad influence, she takes her to rated R movies (like the grudge), leaves her alone with her baby sister in the house (which we should call DCFS on her), doesn't put her in a child safety seat even though she is small and should be in one, lets her stay up as late as she wants. We've even gotten her back from her mom's 4 days later and she has on the same underwear with poo stains on them!
We spend a lot of our time undoing all the bad stuff she gets when at her mom's. This is a lot of work for us. There are also constant phone calls to her mom, trying to get her to stop taking her to R rated movies or to change her underwear and bathe.
Yes, it is her mom and yes she will have a relationship with her. Yes she should see and love her mom. We never say a bad word about her mom in front of her.
We have decided in the future she can keep up her few pictures of her mom, but if she plasters them all over the room again we will "for reasons of clutter" (and not because it's her mom) ask her to put them in her special album. You are right, there is no need to bring in our "why" on it as she is just a child. But in our home, none of us need to be constantly in-our-faces reminded of the person who causes so much turmoil in ALL of our lives.
We are going to encourage her to put pictures of EVERYONE up in her room. This way it's not a shrine to her mom, but a representation of her whole family, including her mom.
Thanks for your opinions.
I'm afraid I'm another one who is surprised and saddened that you told her to take them down. You are the grown ups - even if you are hurt and upset, it's not really fair to make her take them down. Do you seriously think she's going to want to talk to you about things that are upsetting her if you won't even let her have photographs on display?
Really, you have been way too harsh and unsupportive.
Hi NW,
Having her take down all the picture but one does seem a little harsh. Let her keep a small section of them. Being all over her room can be a little over the top but she is in the stage of self expression. Although you all are still a family in your house, you have to understand that her mom and half-sister is her family as well and each place does not have to be the same. I'm not sure why it is so upsetting for her to keep the pictures up but I don't think that only having one up is fair to her.
Hope this helps.
GV
Seems that all the posts are in favor of letting your step daughter keep the pics of her mom up. I really hope you change your mind & tone on this situation you are in. I was on the other side that you are in. My ex cheated on me with his now wife, so I have a lot of hate & resentment towards this woman. My daughter has been in this womans life for the past 16 years. The new wife is also a photographer who LOVED to take pics of her with my ex & my daughter put them in frames. She would always overstep her boundaries which caused lots of chaos in the homes. But I tried to be the bigger person & not show my daughter how much I was bothered by the pics. The pics eventually came down without me ever asking for them to be taken down. You have a lot of anger towards your step daughter & her mom, rightfully so with the mom, but I think you need to back off the child. She may be intentionally pressing your buttons or she may be bringing her screwed up mother with her to a home that is safe & disruptive. But you may be causing more harm than good by forcing her to take down the pics. By constantly trying to change this little girl instead of accepting her with unconditional love you may be pushing her away. Bottom line is she knows her mother is screwed up so she doesnt need you or her dad constantly reminding her of that because she will ALWAYS defend her screwed up mother NO MATTER WHAT. My ex is very screwed up he lives off his inlaws, cant hold a job, is an alcoholic, filed bankruptcy 2 times, home is in forclosure after his inlaws put $28,000 downpayment etc. But if I say anything negative abut him my daughter defends him no matter what. If I stay quiet & let her vent she will go on & on about how screwed up things are at her dads house (she's 19 now). If you show your stepdaughter that you love her uncontionally she will come to you & open up but please just listen & dont force her to take down pics or say ANYTHING bad about her mom, you will always lose. I hope this helps. I know a great photographer & its not my ex's wife (lol)... (www.foxvallyphotography.com), so why dont you schedule a photo shoot for you, the dad & the stepdaughter, then let your stepdaughter take professional pics by herself so she can plaster them all around her room, let her change outfits put some lipgloss on, etc. I can see that you are very hurt by the mom & I cant say that it gets easier even after 16 years so good luck to you & your family.
Wait a minute. That is her mom. She has the right to put pictures of her OWN MOTHER anywhere she wants in her room. It's awful of you and her dad to tell her any different.
All you are going to do is create a situation where she is going to rebel against both of you. THat is her mother. She can plaster her mother's picture all over her own room if she wishes. This is one time where you and your husband have to be the bigger person and just let it go.
Hi NW!
First let me say that I think you are doing a good job helping raise your step-daughter! It is clear how much you love her! She will thank you some day.
Second, wow you sure hit a hot button with this one!
Third, you know what I thought when I read your post? What a compliment to you and your husband! She is bringing her mommy to the safe place! She is trying to rescue her mommy and have her be a part of the safe family. She feels safe enough to show her feelings. She is exercising her choice!!
You made a safe enough place for her to have feelings.
Totally agree with you that it may not be the ideal person, and as an adult I might be a little offended too. But go to her mind. This makes sense to her. This is a safe place for her to feel her feelings with no interference from her mom, half-sis, or mom's BF. She is probably creating a "safe fantasy" relationship with her mom. I think it is healthy and safe for her for awhile.
I would let it go so that she thinks she has control. Then in a month I would sit down with her, complement her on her showing of love for family members by putting up pictures and then add that "we really love you and wondered if we could put our pictures up in your room too...". Even if you took the pictures down, leave the one up and then do this with her. I know it seems weird but it is a complement to you and your hubby.
Continue doing the good job loving her!!
Yeah, sorry. I have to agree with the others also. That is her mom. Forever. She has every right to put up pictures in her room. Tell your husband to get over it. It may not be reminding her of the situation at her mom's house. It may just give her a secure feeling if she is missing her mommy.
I agree that it is a little harsh to make her take everything down. If she has them so plastered to the wall that you can't see anything else, then I would say to talk to her--about how she is feeling and why she needs so many. You admit that she is having some family issues lately. She could be feeling insecure and needs to have those photos to feel closer to her mom and stepsister. Also, it is possible she feels secure of your relationship when she is at her mom's house so that could be why she does not have pictures in her room over there. For an 8 yr old, insecurity is hard to deal with.
I saw your addition. It sounds like she it trying to deal with everything herself. You could ask the counselor about the best way to bring this up. I do think that you might want to ask how she is feeling-without bring up "mommy's house". I think it is great that you see a counselor to help.
Geez,
Based on your own response after your posting and after all the other mothers gave their opinions, it sounds as if you weren't looking for advice. You were just looking for support for your own agenda. I hope you and your husband are talking to a therapist about how you are handling the family in these situations. Granted, her mom might not win the mother of the year award, but it certainly does not sound as if you are making all the right decisions either. All I hear from you is my house, my space...it sounds like you are having trouble sharing...you sound like the child in this situation. She is a child. It was not her fault that her parents were incapable of staying together and providing a stable home for her. Yes, you are doing this with her father now, but that does not mean that you should have the right to erase her feelings for her mother or erase the pictures of her mom from the walls. You are lucky that this is her way of pushing buttons given the circumstances. It's harmless compared to what some kids do to rock the boat in a step-house. Be the bigger person and let this one slide. Don't let her think that it is bothering you anymore. Eventually those pictures will be replaced by whatever boy band is hot at the time. If it really bothers you then stay out of her room. Give the girl her space, a place that she can retreat to. She will want something like this as she gets older anyway. Let the rest of your house be yours yours yours...
Either you've had negative responses or, you're being very defensive. No one can actually know what you're going thru unless they're walking in your shoes. Maybe she knows that the pictures are upsetting the two of you, that's why she has so many of them in her room. I would try not paying attention to them, as if they're not upsetting you and if she tries moving pictures around the living or dining area, you will know that she's trying to work your nerves.
You knew going into the relationship that there was a step daughter and an ex wife so you really can't claim that as a burden that you bear.
But you are right, it is YOUR house. Not hers. You could deny her the room totally...if I were you what I would do is set it up as a guest room, decorate it the way you want it and give her a dresser to keep her things. Since it's too much for you to have her in your life you shouldn't even have a pretense that it's her room.
Sorry... I'm with N W on this one. I am NOT a step mom and, putting myself in her shoes, I would not want my children to have a "shrine of anyone" in their room, especially if I was divorced. Balance is good and I could see a few pictures but.. excessive??? No. And the little girl is in counseling, already. Seems a little manipulative to do that - at the least, where's her picture of just her and dad, together, in her room?
Having only "one picture" may be too restrictive, but I would do my best to try and balance it with other pictures, even happy times that has gone on in this household, various pictures of friends, posters of a musician that she likes....etc... otherwise she will never commit to a happy life here.
I feel bad that N W got blasted for trying to be a good stepmom.
I know its been awhile since you posted this but I wanted to respond anyway. I agree with you. I have been with my partner for 4 years, she and her ex husband were split up before we ever got together. Me her and our daughter have been living together 4 years now. Just in the past week she has put up pics of the three of them together. There's none of us and this is my home, our home as a family. If it were just pics of her and him i would be ok but not the three of them. So my point is I can understand you not wanting pics that make you feel uncomfortable in your own home.
I know you've already decided what you are going to do but I just wanted to add my two cents. I know how much you care about your step daughter and how it can hurt to have a shrine to her mom in your face. I think what you are doing by having a few pictures of each part of her family in her room is a good thing. Let her pick out a pretty album to put the rest of her pictures of Mom in. I don't think that you are being harsh by asking her to take the pictures down. Maybe let her have like 3-4 pictures of her Mom stay up though. I think the idea of having some pictures done with the three of you is a good idea. And maybe a few with you and a few with Dad. Good luck and know that when your step daughter is older she is going to thank her lucky stars she had someone like you in her life (I wish my step mom was more like you!)! Keep up the great work with her!
*Edited to add*
Wow! SR must not have step children or had step parents! Please don't listen to the people who have no clue what they are talking about. You obviously care about your step daughter or you wouldn't be concerned about the R rated movies, the condition of her clothes, the lack of boundaries, or the other things that happen at her mother's house. I doubt that if she was an inconvenience and you had no feelings towards her you would not have gone through so much dealing with her mother and helping her gain friends and keep them, and her birthday party, and all of the other things you have done for her! This site is not a place to judge other people and throw stones. It is supposed to be a place where you can help others and gain knowledge not be criticized and put down. As I said before- keep up with what you are doing with your step daughter. She needs you and she will appreciate all you have done for her.
I have been thinking about this for a few hours because this really troubles me. Yes, you have a right to have your feelings about this considered too but this is a delicate situation. Children are VERY protective of their natural parents.
I think your best bet might be to totally go a different direction with this. Why not give her a summer project and help her make a scrapbook? Or, just let it be her own project and plant the idea in her head. Kids gets excited about things like this and she may immediately start looking for photos to put into the scrapbook. The first ones she will find are the ones sitting all over her room that she considers hers to use as she wishes.
You may find that even if it is another idea other than the scrapbooking you can just distract her and the problem could be solved. Try to think of an alternative to this situation. I really do not think telling her to take down the photos is the best thing for her sake. Get them down for your sake just in another way. :)
I totally get where you're coming from ... maybe get a photo album for her to put her pics where she can look at them if she's missing her mom, but not all over the place and in your face. That way you're not having to look at her face and she can see them when she likes. It would seem a decent win-win situation.
Good luck and keep up the good work. Sometimes it's hard to be loving toward someone who's in your face, whether they crawled out of your womb or not! lol. It pays off in the end, though.
D.
