How Much Can a 7 Year Old Understand?

Totally agree with Momma L. But I don't think it's a big deal for you to explain it too. The more people talking about it make it more real and more acceptable.
I am a step-mother to a 5yo girl and she knows exactly who everyone is. I am her half-sisters mother, but she tells my daughter (who is 5 months) that they share the same Daddy, so cute.

It's also possible that she's saying it to get a rise out of someone. My step-daughter sometimes calls her father by his first name - but we set her straight soon enough.

hmmmm...
Well she is only 7 and maybe in her mind she thinks that because you will be her step mom that automatically he will be her step dad. I would take it up with the bio mom and see what she says first.

I'm sure your step-daughter can understand fine if someone takes the time to explain it. When my stepdaughter was 7 she got so upset and cried for 3 days when she found out her sister was really her "half-sister" since they had different daddies. She knew they had different daddies but didn't understand the concept of "half-sister" and thought it was something else. We used family photos and made a family tree on the floor to show her how it all worked.

Sometimes she says if I have a child it will be her "stepbrother" or "stepsister" and we have to explain over and over that it will be her half brother or half sister. She was under the idea that if you have the same mom you're full sister and brother and if you have different moms you are step, no matter who the father its. Children get wrong ideas, which is maybe why she understands about you being her stepmom but not about her bio dad. Could you ask her what she thinks?

Have your fiance explain it by drawing it out and defining the words. Let her know that she is lucky to have two daddies who love her very much, and just because the one she lives with most is her stepdad, it doesn't change how she feels or how much love she gets. Also, let her know that calling her bio dad "stepdad" would be like her bio mom calling her a "stepdaughter;" sometimes you have to make an analogy the child can understand. They're just words, but she should use the right one so she doesn't hurt anyone's feelings. She should be allowed to call her stepdad "dad" if that's how she feels, so long as she gives the proper title to her bio dad.

Good luck with seeing more of her! She is lucky to be loved so much!

The fiance should explain, and he can talk to the mother and she can be supportive of it as well. Not sure why it would be a big deal to explain who everyone is, just have a nice and casual conversation. She is certainly old enough to understand, and can call both dad's 'Dad' if she feels comfortable with it, or by their name or whatever she enjoys most. And wow, the mother's new husband has her last name? That's weird!

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First I would like to say that it is very weird that the new husband took the wife's last name.
It is my opinion that your fiance should address this issue with the mother first. It seems as though she has put this into the child's head. This is a very serious issue and needs to be addressed immediately. It's really ashamed that she is being manipulative. There is no way that he should be allowed to only see his child on Sundays. He should be allowed every other weekend and every other holiday in the least, especially since he is paying child support. My ex husband does not pay child support consistently (maybe 3 times a year) but I let him see his kids whenever he wants. Right now, he gets them every other weekend and every holiday, excluding Mother's Day, but if he wanted them more, I would allow it. I dont think she is being reasonable at all especially since she is trying to change your fiance's identity. I think your fiance should also insist that his daughter has his last name.

It sounds more like she is expressing how she FEELS, rather than the semantics of the situation. She FEELS that her biological Dad is apart from her "real" family, so he is the step, rather than the man she has known and been around consistently all her life. He represents more of the "real" Dad, as your fiance only represents a person she sees 4 times a month.

I agree that BOTH parents need to sit down with her and explain the situation, stressing that he is her "real" Dad...but asking if this is just how she feels...That can also help in a visitation schedule, as well. Stressing to the courts that as a biological parent, this is not how you want your child to feel about you, which stresses the necessity of seeing the child more, and establishing a court ordered time for both to bond in a closer way.

She can understand a lot. I would suggest your fiance talk to her mom about how to explain it to the daughter so they can both be on the same page. However, keep in mind the daughter's feelings and perspective first. She's always been w/ her mom and her step-dad, so it's somewhat natural for her to call him Dad. She could in fact call them both Dad... she's old enough to decide what to call them. Good luck.

OK, first of all, I have a couple of questions for you to think over and REALLY think over before you read anymore of my post. I am in NO way trying to be mean or harsh, but am thinking about the child, and you need to be in a place where you are being totally honest with yourself FIRST before you can truly think about her needs before your and her biological father's feelings first..........
Number 1- Why is it important to you (or your fiance) what she refers to him as? Am I correct to assume that when she is with him, she simply calls him "Dad"? (not "step- Dad") I assume that the term step - Dad is just her way of differentiating between the 2 Dads when she is talking to others, whether it be you, her Mom, or someone else, correct?
Number 2- Why does your fiance only have 1 day per week visits with his child? Has he ever expressed any interest to the child's mother in having more or longer visitations? Possibly a few overnights or school vacations to be included in his visitations?
Number 3- why does the child have the mother's last name and not his? Was this a choice, because he was not determined to be the father at the time of birth, or at the mother's insistence?
Number 4- since he is paying child support, is he paying through a court order, or does he pay on his own, through an agreement between him and the child's Mother.
Ok, now that I have my questions out of the way, I will tell you why I have asked them.
First of all, as far as saying that your fiance is her "step- Dad", and the other father figure in her life is her actual "Dad" is fairly common in these types of situations. It is not unusual for a child to consider the man they live with and who takes on the role as "Dad" 24 hours a day 7 days a week their "real" Dad. Real and biological mean 2 different things to a child that age. Her step father is very "real" to her in every aspect of the word. He is there for her, all the time, no matter what. She can rely on him, (hopefully), no matter what is going on, at any time any day. He is also the "Dad" with whom she shares her siblings. In her mind they are her "real" siblings. She doesn't understand that they have different fathers at this point. (she could, but it doesn't sound as though anyone has filled her in up until now) Now, all of this being said does not in any way diminish your fiance's role in her life. He is very important and plays a huge role for her! She needs him as well! Obviously, she knows that he loves her and that she can count on him as well, and feels fairly comfortable with you both, or she wouldn't have been speaking to either of you about the different "titles" that she has for you.
If your fiance has not already requested more and longer visitation with his child, I would suggest that he do so immediatly. He needs to have as much time with his child as possible to have a strong bond with her, and also so that she knows without a doubt that she is loved and wanted by him as well as her "other" Mom and Dad. Even if he is not able to get all of the time that he has requested, just knowing that he WANTS her to spend more time with him will go a long way in the future with his child.
If the child has her last name for any reason other than it was what HE wanted for her, and unless he is comfortable with her keeping it at this point, I would strongly consider having her do some sort of name change as well. Even if she doesn't change her last name at this point, (which could be confusing to a 7 yr old), you could request that she have his added to part of her middle name or be hyphenated in her name just so it's there. After all, she is a girl, and let's face it, MOST girls DO change their names when they get married. (NO IDEA what is up with the step Dad taking the Mother's last name there. Do you have any idea why that happened?) Also, if for some reason he was not determined to be the father at the time of birth and that's why he was not on the birth cert, PLEASE tell me he did do a paternity test , just to protect him. Not that it would really matter at this point if he is already a Dad to this child and in his heart he loves her and she is his daughter, but for legal reasons, he needs the proof. Trust me, he doesn't want THAT one thrown at him later if he tries for more visitation and can't get it because they tell him he really isn't Daddy. UGH!
OK, last I asked about the child support. If he is paying through a court order, then why wasn't there some type of visitation put into place at the same time the support order was done. I know they are sererate issues, but the judge can usually do both to keep you from having to go back another day. If it's because the Mom was being "reasonable" at the time and was agreeable , but now is not, it will look good for him that she is much less now. (especially if he has been paying regardless of how often he has been able to see his child) One thing to remember, child support and visitation do not determine each other. It works BOTH ways. The court will not keep a Dad from his child for failure to pay support, and will not allow more visits because they pay more. Child support is to help financially support your child. Visitation is to help emotionally support your child and bond with your child. Both are neccesary for the child to thrive and do well in the world.
This child is VERY lucky to have 2 Dads who love her so much, and soon to be 2 Moms as well! The title is not so important as the time spent, and the quality of that time. Please don't get too caught up in the little details of it all. Remember that she is only 7, and her definitions are going to be far different than an adults, and really the most important thing is to make sure that she is safe, happy, and healthy. Once you know your real reasons for why this even is eating at you and bothering you so much, then you can decide for yourself if it is really worth getting into a discussion with the Mother about it all. I think it comes down to hurt feelings, and more of a Dad wanting the step Dad not to be taking his place. However, nobody can ever truly take his place if he stays in his child's life and doesn't allow it. It is really up to him. I wish you the best!

yes, he and the mother should sit down and talk this over with her and set her straight who the really daddy is and who the step dad is. if they are on good terms, which it seems they are ( maybe ) this should not be a problem.

She could understand the terms at this age definitely. I would discuss the matter with them. Its great your fiance has been understanding about both men being called dad and that is pretty normal. Its different when she is calling him "step".

My niece was saying when she was a child that she had 2 daddies, and still jokes like that. Both guys were and are great and there was never an issue. Your fiance is not really a full time daddy because he only sees her for 8 hrs a week. If the other guy is really involved... he is the real daddy in the girld mind and that is may be why she has a problem to say otherwise. Kids are very smart but also very loyal to people they love... sometimes they cannot say or do things because in their mind it does not jive with their understanding of things. You have to be gentle and give her time...

I would only allow the "real mom & dad" to explain this to their daughter.It will only confuse her more,this being said they also need to explain to her that their significant other is her step & that she can call them as she see's fit by their first name,mam,sir,step mom/dad or if they have a nick name that they prefer to be called..She doesn't have to call them mom/dad if she is uncomfortable doing so...

Your future step daughter is plenty old enough to understand. My girls were 3 and 5 when I got divorced and they understood everything. The ideal situation would be for your fiance and his ex to sit down with her and explain to her that he is her Daddy and the other man is her step Dad. If she won't sit down with him then the both of you should set down and explain to her how he is her Daddy and that you are going to be her Step Mom and that the other man is her Step Dad. And when he gets visitation set up he should request to have her every other weekend, every other Holiday, half of Christmas and Easter break, and all summer. That is how visitation is normally set up. But do what is best for the both of you and for his daughter. She is old enough to have everything explained to her. It is her parents job to do this,.

She's old enough to understand. My mom re-married when I was younger than your soon to be step daughter and I understood that I had a real dad and a step father and I knew who each of them were. How sad the mother hasn't spoken the the child. Yes, I believe it would be acceptable for your fiance to talk to his daughter. If he loves his child, and based on what you've stated, it sounds like he has a vested interest in being in her life, then the truth needs to be settled once and for all. Does he have a relatively good relationship with his ex-wife that they, including you and the step father can come together and discuss this all with the child? It really needs to be straightened out.

Your man & his ex need to explain the concept of step parents to her in a clear way. The upside: they all love her.
Can't your guy and his ex just work out a holiday/weekend arrangement on their own?

She is old enough to understand. She may think that he is a 'step' because of the fact that he only sees her for 1 day a week. Since she has half sibs with her mom, it may be easier on her to call her step-dad, just Dad since that's what the other kids in the house do.

I would have your fiance and his ex sit down and talk to her. They should both be on the same page as to what she is being told, but I wouldn't push her to NOT call the step-dad just Dad.

One thing that might help is if you sit down and draw out a family tree with pictures, etc.

M.

Seven understands- just explain, make sure she has the correct definitions for the words- it sounds to me that she thinks step means the one she does not live with, so just draw some pictures and make sure the words are very clear- that's all. No big deal, and of course your husband to be wants to be the "real" daddy. I understand that.
While you are doing the court thing perhaps address the name situation.
Think about that- that could make it very clear.
how lucky that this little one has so many folks to love her.
My step daughter at age seven said she was so glad to finally get her second mommy. All this is unfrotunately common- just no upset while handling it.
best, k