Stay Home Moms

I guess I am a lucky one. When my hubby comes home at night he is more than willing to help out. He also has a job that will keep him from home often. He has been gone since 2/25 and will not be home until 1 week from today. When he is home he will have no problem keeping the girls occupied for me to have some mommy time

Men will be men. I know how you feel. I am lucky if my husband helps with any cleaning around the house. I have decided that I will not try to be super mom and keep the house spic and span, but just do what I can when I can and still allow some time to wind down and relax. I do ask my husband to help put the kids to bed now and then to give me a break. I also understand how he must feel being on his feet at work all day, so I'll give him a massage now and then to show I care. Try not to let it bother you much. When you do ask him for some help, ask nicely. Don't ever expect him to just do something without being asked because most likely it won't happen- this will help keep you from getting frusterated. Never ever say things like "why can't you do this or that..." It'll make him not want to help even more and cause fights. When my husband doesn't want to do something I would like some help with, I calmly explain why I would like his help...I could really use a break...I'll give you a massage if you can please help with this... I also don't ask too much of him either. Just simple things, like switch the laundry, help me put new linen on the bed, read the bed time books, tuck kids in, put leftovers away. Being an at home mom definitely is not an easy job! I'd say it's the hardest! I hope some of this helps! Good luck!

I am going through a similar battle with my husband so I feel for you. It's hard to get them to understand what we do, if they don't have a chance to do it themselves. Maybe you could visit a family or friend over the weekend and leave them home with dad so he understands the responsability. That's the only way my husband understands what I do...and after a while, he forgets. So you have to remind him. Good luck.

J.,
I can so relate to you. My husband works midnights, so therefore needs to sleep all day, getting more sleep then I do. And of course his week is way more stressful because he works midnights. I take care of a 5 month old girl and then our son, while our other two children are in school. It is hard to decide how to approach the situation because he has that attitude to that cleaning up and stuff isn't really his job. But, it was taking a toll on our relationship. What I did was tell him that I needed to talk to him, and just really wanted him to listen. First of course you need to stroke his ego, by like saying I know that you work hard and are stressed a lot from you job. I appreciate all you do to provide for this family. I am in no way trying to say that I don't think that you do your fair share... etc. I then said that I love our family, but sometimes I start to feel overwhelmed because I am always taking care of someone. What would really help me out is if once a week he took care of dinner and dishes. And then once a week I was able to just go to target by myself, or meet a friend for coffee or something. If you make him feel like you do appreciate him, and make him see that you are not trying to complain or say he isn't doing his fair share, he may feel like he would be able to help you out. Let's face it, men want to feel like they are the kings of the castle and your knights in shining armor.
J.
Mom of girl, 10, boy, 8, and boy 2, and angel in heaven

I have only a single piece of advice... I hope you get some good advice on how to handle this before you return to work outside the home!!
Because, I will tell you it does not change once you leave the house all day.
I have found a great 8-5/5 day a week job and after being a stay-at-home mom of 3 for about 1 1/2 years, nothing has changed. My husband works about a 5-3:30 shift 5 days a week. I am out 40 hours a week working and am still a housewife and SAHM with our 4th child due in about 6 weeks. Alot of it comes from my mom being a SAHM, and so I try to do everything and keep my frustration in, but with all my heart... please do not return to work outside your home until you have come to an understanding with your husband. I feel for you.

This is how my husband I and would view your situation:

You work all day and he works all day. He gets home from his paid job, but he is still at the job of "parent." You just happen to have the job of parent during the day, too. Tell him that neither of you get to be off the clock until the kids are in bed. Until then, it's 50/50. You cook, he watches the kids. He cooks, you watch the kids. He cleans up, you watch the kids. You both get the kids into bed or you trade off nights putting them to bed. On the weekends, you are both on duty as parents. Only by mutual agreement can one of you be off duty. He golfs, you are with the kids. You go shopping or meet friends for coffee, he stays with kids. If this does not seem fair to him, then he has some other issues going on that he is not being upfront about. (Maybe he is resentful for some reason.) If he still plays the "I'll just quit then and stay home with the kids!!"card, tell him to go one week in your shoes, and if he still feels the same way, then begin crunching the numbers and see if he still feels the same way after seeing the financial reality of you bringing in the main paycheck. GOOD LUCK!

If he feels that you are the sole caregiver for "his " kids then maybe you should be!

Tell him you went into a marriage together, you had kids together, so your both need to work to be happy and it should be done TOGETHER.

You earn money as a day home provider, him throwing that in your face is far from exceptable!

Counseling may be a good course of action but first you both need to try to work things out. If he refuses ask him how badly he wants the marriage to work because if your the only one doing the work it's not really going to get easier.

Hi J.,
OK, I say "GET A BABYSITTER". Start interviewing as soon as possible and find a good one and a back up one. (or find another mom that would be interested in swapping and taking turns) If your husband won't take over, then on certain days.....say Tuesdays and Thursdays.....have a sitter come over and you go out for dinner with a friend and treat yourself to a new outfit afterwards. VOILA!!! Suddenly he will either feel uncomfortable about a person being there with your kids while he's there or he will feel the financial pain of the cost of the sitter. Either way, you got out and when you come home...sound cheery and appreciative to your sitter and make a BIG to do about how you enjoyed your time away.

Good Luck-if this doesn't work, withhold sex just like the rest of us when we have to teach our husbands a lesson. Remember-your job isn't to be a prostitute so remind him of that if he complains....this should give you some upper hand. ;-)

J. N

Hire a housekeeper..... you can get a teenager for about $6 a hour for $12 dollar a day your cleaning is done.

J.,

First let me say, I don't think it's fair to expect your husband to totally take over when he comes home. That said, it's also not fair for him to do nothing.

It sounds like your husband first needs to recognize that you're working even though you're at home. He doesn't want to work 24/7 and he shouldn't have that expectation of you.

What worked for my husband and me was for EACH of us to understand that NEITHER is on some sort of vacation during the normal work day. He needed to understand that taking care of a house and kids is work. I needed to understand that his job was very stressful too. We also needed to acknowledge that BOTH of us need some sort of break. Once we got to that understanding, we took the approach of sharing our time in the house together 50/50; rather than him taking on 100% of the work. When he's home during the week, he participates in the household and childcare activities. On the weekends we take turns taking naps while the other watches the kids. I also find it helpful to do other work around the house that doesn't involve the kids while he watches them just for a change of pace.

If you can afford it, I suggest you get a part-time nanny. Even a couple hours on a Saturday afternoon can be a lifesaver.

I hope you can find a strategy that works for your family.

I heard a great way of approaching this at my ECFE class. A mom with similiar issues sat down with her husband and very lovingly asked, "How do we want our children to view women and men and their roles? What kind of spouses and parents do we want them to be?" Because she married a decent guy, of course he wanted his son to be respectful of women and a loving, helpful spouse. They then were able to discuss without animosity how they need to model the behavior that they want their children to emulate. They then were able to come to an agreement with what he would help out with.

If that approach does not work then, has your husband ever taken care of the kids for an entire day by himself to feel what it is like? Some guys don't understand things until they experience it themselves.

My husband is very helpful, so I can't complain, but one thing I did to ease my workload was to hand over aspects of childrearing that are pleasant and relaxing since he does go to work all day. He does the bath at night when the baby is especially friendly and playful. I tried doing it the other night, and he hovered and asked me what I was doing. It is now his time with his daughter.

Just some ideas. I hope you work this out because that is going to be a strain on your marriage if you don't in which case I'd see if his stressful job has free marriage couseling in which case the counseler will tell him he needs to be more helpful. :)

In our house, we have a rule that whoever cooks dinner doesn't have to do the dishes. Since 99% of the time I'm the one cooking, that means DH does the dishes. I take advantage of that time to disappear for a few minutes, even if I just go to my bathroom and take a nice relaxing shower. I agree with what someone else suggested and if he won't give you a break, take one. Just get up and leave the room, find another and lock the door. If that doesn't work, go out somewhere. For the long run though, I think it would be best if you found some way to get him involved in the household.

Even if he brings in more money he should still help out, you just get paid less per hour (but work many more hours - shouldn't that count?!)

All I can say is if he can't understand that being a parent is a full-time MANDITORY job (as I know SO many men seem to think) regardless of any other job(s) he may take on top of it, then YOU NEED TO SEEK COUNSELING! And if he refuses to go to a councelor with you, I hate to say it but unless you think you can be happy in the situation you're in for the rest of your marriage, it won't work out and you should leave him.

I have a somewhat negative view on men, I know, because of personal experience. I was about to give up on them completely when I met my fiance. He helps out with the girls and housework no matter how much he works.

Good luck with your situation.

I find it a little bewildering that in today age that so many women out there seem to have such issues with men still.

Anyway, I took a break from my career so that our kids wouldn't have to go to daycare. My husband did talk about staying at home with the kids but he could make more money here and ultimately I wanted to stay at home with the kids.

However, I always made my choice clear to him that I was taking a break from my career so the kids would not need to go to daycare so their primary caregiver could be either of us. We both wanted this especially after our first child had been in daycare for a few months (it was a wonderful nursery but we felt that our child would be happier with one of us at home).

I should add that my husband is wonderful and totally understanding which I guess made it much easier for me to clearly define my role. He also looks forward to coming home to play with the kids and join in with the family life. I just feel that instead of trying to avoid this, your husband should welcome spending time with his kids.

Anyway, not sure if this helps but I think you should outline exactly what you see your role as and he should also. From there you should try and make arrangements to suit you both.

Reading your post, you are not a stay at home mom, you are a work from home mom. You own your own business, You work longer hours than he does since you cannot "go home". I recommend counseling, at least for you for now, bring him in later, to figure out how you can either cope with how he is acting or get him to particpate in the family as a father AND husband.

If you have any family close by, see if they can watch the kids for a few hours and take some alone time, just for you, outside of the house!!!

I watched super nanny last night too and while reading your story immediately thought of that.

If your running a homedaycare you are working as hard or probaly harder than your husband it doesn't matter who brings home more bacon.

I would tell your husband you NEED a break and deserve a break. If he won't help out and the kids are safe get up and leave. Go to a coffe shop and come home in a hour when your less stressed let him deal with the kids.

This is exactly why I am a single mom all the guys I meet have the same darn attitude. Marriage is suppose to be 50/50 aaah some guys are creeps.

First of all if you didnt catch the Oprah so that was on stay at home moms we are worth ( if we would get a pay check somewhere in the range of $175,000 - 200 thousand not sure the exact figure but its a lot). Stay at home parents work just as hard if not harder then at a regular paycheck job. I would have to say that I HAD the same problem, we would fight constently about it. This is what I did, we sat down one night calmly talked about the sistuation. I understood that he worked out of the home and he knows that I obviously stay home, I told him that every night I am allowed an hour to an hour and a half to myself. Weather that ment taking a bath ready a book going for a walk anything but that was MY time. In the summer it is easier for me to get my time because I go and mow the lawn for 3-4 hours. Now about the cleaning up or doing dishes, first of all he contributes to the mess and the dishes, leave him responsible for things. Ask him to do the dishes with you, dont fight an arguee about it that will just make things worse. I know that it is really difficult and its sounds like our husbands are the same way. They have this therory that they make all the money and since you stay home you are responsible for everything, not true you are a couple, a team, husband and wife. You should have shared responsibilities. You should be equal.
Is there any particular reason why he can't do the daycare dishes?
I am not sure that going back to work will solve anything, I thing sitting down and having a conversation about the problem and explaining that there are some areas that you need help with when he gets home. I know how frustered you must feel If I can help or if you need to talk let me know. A.

Well the battle begins.

My fiance and I were watching Suppernanny last night, and the husband of last nights family would go upstairs as soon as he got home from work for 45 minutes before he would come back downstairs to help out or eat. Ms. Jo Frost told him he was incredibly selfish.

No your husband shouldn't need to even take 10 minutes after he gets home from work to begin his 24 hour job as a parent and spouse.

Running a household is 50/50, you work full time too, you have day care and apparently all the work of running the household. Bringing home a bigger paycheck is the lamest excuse for someone to not have to do something around their house.

My fiance told me to tell your husband to take his money and go buy himself a clue.

Counseling is going to be your option here, someone other than you needs to tell you husband he nneds to help out. well you could print this out and show him too...

EDITED TO ADD: a few months back KSTP did a story about how much an at home mom should make, they said it should tally to 130,000.00 a year. This total includes things like laundry services, day care services, housekeeping, taxi and some others...
So figure this: if you have 3 children all day care age, and each of them has to go to day care and you go to a 8-5 job outside the house and average your paying 150-200 a week PER CHILD for day care...that is 600$ a week in day care, totalling $2400.00 a month HE SAVES from his 'bacon' checks because you choose to stay home and take care of the kids, but not just your kids as YOU yourself does day care....so you make what ever money it is you charge for day care PLUS the 2400 a month for taking care of your own children....

J.,
You are afraid you will get no help and get run down and resentful? I'm sorry, but aren't you already there? You need to sit your husband down and tell him that if he didn't want the responsibility of a home and family than maybe he doesn't deserve one. Also, I know that staying at home and working at home with kids can be extremely rewarding, but maybe it's time to get out of the house. I went back to work part time after 11 months of being a SAHM, and honestly, it was the best thing I could have done for my daughter and my family. Instead of being burned out, I learned to prioritize and really appreciate my time at home with my family instead of resenting it. IT might have a similar positive affect for you. I definately recommend the counseling. They'll teach you how to really talk to each other. Rathering than saying "why didn't you do the dishes?" tell him how that makes you feel, like "When you leave the dishes there for me to do, it makes me feel undervalued, taken advantage of and unappreciated." It really makes a difference. Good luck, remmber, you deserve some time to care for yourelf!
S.

Ok ima sahm too and i often feel the same way that you do! My boyfriend works so i can stay at home with our almost 6 month old ds. At first i loved it and i was so thankful but lately its been getting realy h*** o* our relationship b/c i feel that i am doing everything!! He gets 2 days off from work where as my job is 24-7 and i am always the one up with our son i am always the one putting him to sleep/feeding him/ cleaning/changing diapers blh blah blah! I've told him so many times that its not fair and that i need a break too, and he then snaps back saying well i think its time for you to start looking for a job! And in my head i am saying to myself...hahahahaha you couldnt and wouldnt last 2 days in my shoes!! I think i am a very caring person i let hiim sleep in most days since he works late...have coffee made in the morning and usually a little something to eat as well!! I hate having to ask him to watch our son while i want to shower! I feel soooooo out of my element i only get to shower every few days and that is soooo not how i do things usually!! So i feel your pain and am soooo interested in oothers feedback as well....men just don't get it!! ::sigh::

I do in-home daycare also, and I think your first step is for you to think of yourself as a working woman. Even if you had no other children but yours to care for you are a working mother. Sometimes I wish I could go out to a job, because it would be a lot easier. I think you need to negotiate with your husband. He might need 15-30 minutes alone when he gets home before taking on the kids. Maybe his share of the household chores need to be done on the weekend, so he can play and have fun with the children after work, but don't let him opt-out of parenting and housework. He has responsibilities in these areas too. It's really stressful having small children and it shouldn't be heaped all on you. You need to get this worked out, because you are already building up resentment toward him, and that isn't good for your marriage. Seek counseling if you need to in order to work this out. Marriage counseling is often paid for through health insurance. Good luck.

Take your husband up on his offer to stay home! Or consider what we do at our home. Each situation is different, so what works for me may not work for you. I’m a SAHM with my husband being the sole financial provider at this point. I consider that I’m clocking in the same amount of time as he does at work. When he comes home from work we are BOTH still working! His ‘work day’ doesn’t end because he’s left the office neither does mine because he comes home. However, I’m DEFINETLY ready to have a break BUT there’s still work to be done getting supper ready. We chat in the kitchen but HE is responsible for fielding the kid’s questions and spending time with them while I get dinner ready. After dinner one of us gets the baths started and kids in PJ’s while the other cleans the kitchen. When the kids are in bed that’s the time I take time to myself and/or spend with my husband.

Your roles are different but equal. His day is stressful but in a different capacity then yours. My husband has a tremendous amount of freedom and flexibility because I am a SAHM mom and he doesn’t have his traditional workday interrupted dropping off or picking up kids. I also have a tremendous amount of freedom and flexibility and time with our kids because he’s taken on the role of being the sole provider. There was a time when my husband felt similar to your but he’s a helper now! I was motivated to change my behavior and demand to be treated better when I realized that my daughter will look to me for what’s an acceptable marriage and relationship with men. You can enact change!!!

I understand your frustration - I stay at home with our 2 year old and also work from home - its not easy but one way to get a much needed break from hectic life, my husband and I each selected a night to get out of the house by ourself and its great having an evening that is all mine. This gives me something to look forward to and a little peace. Good luck.

having the day care is your job it just happens to be at your house. the household chores need to be split up, maybe not 50/50 but each person needs to step up and do what needs to be done. you cannot be expected to do the all the household chores during the day when you are running your daycare. i agree that your husband may need a little time to adjust when he gets home (driving in traffic can be stressful), but after that its game on and both of you need to help to make it work! where is his sense of teamwork?

J., You've gotten alot of wonderful advice, but I wanted to put my two cents in, too! I was married to a man who had very similar views--we did end up divorcing and he still hasn't changed. My current boyfriend tried to pull the same thing and I laid down the law. That didn't work. I left him. After losing me and the kids he'd parented for 4 yrs he saw the light. Now he's more appreciative of me and the kids and what it takes to raise them every day. I work outside the home for now, but he's more willing than ever to step in and help. One thing I know I did was try to do it all myself and refuse his help when he wanted to - that's the worst thing you can do. Definitely get into counseling together and make sure each of you tells the other how much you love each other every day, and find one thing(at least) to praise each other on. It really makes a HUGE difference!
Best of LUCK!

I would pull out the classifieds and highlight the jobs listed with salaries for all the things you do and show your husband. For example, an accountant in your area may get $75,000 a year, a housekeeper gets $40,000 a year and a daycare provider gets $10,000 per child a year, etc. Ask him in a very nice voice if he has that kind of money so he can continue to NOT help round the house and with the kids. Then decide together 3 or 4 chores a week he will do and either an hour a day or an entire morning/afternoon a week for you to do something and he takes over with the children. They are his kids so please dont call it "sitting or watching" the children FOR you but that he is in charge of his own children for a time on his own.

I never had issues with my husband, he does the garbage, the lawn care (summer & winter), dusting and dishes. I do everything else round the house (including the bills/budget, all schedules for doctors appt and activities, any repairs and so much more as we all know! LOL) but I do pitch in for him on occassion when he has had a rough day at work. I don't ask him every day to take over but once a week I take off for a few hours by myself. Except for dishes, my husband's other chores are either occassional or once a week jobs. This helps because then he doesn't feel like he has too much to do after a full day at work.

Good luck!

I know EXACTLY how you feel! I am in the same situation. I have 2 kids and do daycare in my home.

At least he gets the drive home alone to clear his thoughts. He probably gets to go to the bathroom whenever he wants to also. Does he ever try and squeeze a load of laundry in during his lunch time?Oh, and here is a foreign concept to daycare mamas....out to eat lunch with friends!

I just don't understand why taking care of children isn't respected. I just don't get it. What does it matter WHO is bringing in the most of the money? You are both working. By saying that he has a stressful job, is he then implying that you don't have a stressful job? If you where to stop doing daycare you would probably be making less(thats the case in my situation). Who would stay at home when the kids are home sick from school if both of you are working? He should be greatful that you are doing what you are doing. HIS job (as a father) would be MUCH harder if you where to change your profession, really.

If he feels that doing the daycare dishes isn't his job then he can do the other dishes and leave the sippy cups. But, I see that as being very immature. What ever happened to "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours"? What ever happened to wanting to make your partner happy. Even if it means him giving a little more than he had planned (especially because it seems that you are doing a ton of bending to make him happy (feel relaxed).

If he has this attitude now then you are probably right, it will probably stay that way. How long have you been doing daycare? You two should probably talk about this at a peaceful time. Counseling is probably a good thing if he doesn't or refuses to see the reality of the situation.

I am sorry that this is so long, (but, like i said) I totally know what you're talking about. I have gone over this too many times with my dh. Still going through it sometimes. And I agree with one of the earlier posts that said that it was sad to read that so many women are having these problems in present times. My friend gave us a framed copy of The Good Wifes Guide that came from a magazine in the 50's (i think). Which tells the wife that she needs to know her place. She hears stories of different situations in our house and she has made the comment that she got that present as a prank and not to live by those standards.

I had the same exact problem with my husband. He was really insensitive to the amount of work I did while I was home all day, and I felt as if I never got a break. I also heard the word "lazy" from time to time. I was not, as I'm sure most stay at home moms know, being lazy when I stayed home. SO....I got a job working out of the house. I got a night job, from 5-10. I'm working a different night job now, but even a job at a grocery store or somewhere similar will get you a couple things. First of all, it gave the the adult contact that I didn't have on a regular daily basis. Secondly, my husband takes care of our kids almost every weeknight. He realizes now that it isn't a cakewalk, and he is much more sensitive to how much I actually do in a day. Thirdly, I get a break!! And yes, work is my break. I love my kids, but I'm such a better mom for being able to get out of the house and breathe most weeknights. HOpe this helps!

I agree with the other posts - except I always say both people need to give 100%. I suggest scheduling at least a night every week for him to be in charge so you can get some alone time - in the end, it will benefit him too because you will be so much happier. We use a calendar to make sure that we don't both schedule something. I think it is good for the dads to get a reminder of what its like to be w/ the kids alone and also good for them to know they can do it. Hang in there! You aren't alone!

I am in the same boat as you so I would love to hear what advice everyone is giving you. My fiancee works a typical 8 hour shift but works in the morning shift (4am-1230pm) so I understand when he comes home from work at around 1pmish that he is tired and wants to rest but yet i struggle being the stay at home mom to a 2 yr old and a 1 yr old and when he comes home from work i want him to help me out so i can get a lil break or so he can spend time with the kids. we argue about this and the money situation all the time as well... I am to the point where sometimes i would rather work and not be the stay at home mom but we cant afford day care (to much $$$ for two lil kids). I just want to let you know that you are NOT ALONe....

I have had the exact same problems with my husband since my oldest was about 4...As far as getting rid of the kids for a lil bit I usually do my grocery shopping after he gets home for work I will wait till about an hour after and then go, he understands me wanting to leave the kids during that time...Also, If I go somewhere with his mom for some reason he never says anything to me for that either....So his mom and I will go run errands or shop together (no kids) and he never cares. Sometimes I will go somewhere with one child and leave the other at home with him so we get time with each child alone and I will switch it up every time.

As far as cleaning...Good Luck! Only time I can get my husband to clean anything is if we are having company come over like his dad or friends or something then we will both bust our butts and clean for an hour or two before they get here. Try putting on the radio instead of tv and clena and so on maybe he will get in the mood to clean if he canty watch tv, or play video games or whatever. My husband used to threaten to quit his job and so on too and he did once and I worked ...My house had never been sooo dirty he didnt do a thing and claimed it was because he was spending time with the children. Also I mention to my husband all the time that his money is my money because if he had to pay for childcare and someone to clean his house and pay bills and go shopping and ect....He would be broke...Dont let him hold that against you. I tell my husband fine I will get a full time job and you can pay the childcare out of your check and help me with the house and we will see how much money you have!!! Men Suck! I dont think anyone is gonna have an outright answer for you cause there is no solution,....Just dont let him off on it...Keep saying it and hopefully eventually he will get the point! Good luck=)

J.,
I hope you have time to read my response also because you got alot of them. But understand that communication (not arguing about the situation) is the key. My husband and I went through the same issue but it's been resolved. I explained what I would like for myself and he explained what he would like for himself and then we agreed to compromise and wrote it on paper like a contract so we both were in agreement as to what would make it easier for us both. The other key is to try not to point fingers at one another saying "you do this or that" (blame), instead, keep the focus on the word "I". That way the other person doesn't get defensive and close down. Say things like"I feel exhausted when..." or "I like it when" or "my feelings are hurt because..." That way the focus stays on yourself and the other person won't close down and not listen because their feeling attacked. What my husband wanted was for me to schedule a time with him so in his mind, he can plan for that time to take care of the kids. There are times though when I don't schedule it, so I ask him if he minds that I go to the store or whatever in like an hour or so, so that he has enough time to prepare his mind for that also. Don't get it wrong, please, my husband is wonderful and loving, but if I don't respect him, it will cause confusion in my house, which makes life uneasy. Also, he says if he doesn't want to do it at that time, he requests thay we just pay a babysitter or have a grandparent watch them for the times he wants to have time to himself. Also realize that if you both agree, you should have alone time scheduled to do what you want to do outside of home with no kids, but he should also and also together. I got this book recently that just came out from Northwestern Bookstore called Cracking the Communication Code (The secret to speaking your mate's language) by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, he also wrote the Bestseller Love & Respect. Both have had wonderful reviews. I never read Love & Respect but this 2nd book is real good, it goes off from Love & Respect and reviews it if you haven't read it. It is faith based though, so I don't want you or someone else that reads this to be offended by your beliefs. It is hard work for us both as working husbands and wives to get time to yourself without kids, but you can always find answers that work for the both of you, if you work together. For me, I also contemplated on going back to work because of the same situation but I realize that it's really not about the working situation but about our lack of communication that mattered and I personally would rather work at home and be at home with my kids than having to have someone else raise them for 9-10 hours a day (drive time included). I hope you find this response encouraging, and not disrespectful to you or your husband. Good luck on your solution!