Stand up for Yourself

Try role playing with her dolls, stuffed animals, etc. Have her doll take something away from her (nicely) and you suggest that she tell her doll that she was playing with it first and the doll will have to wait until she is done with it. Also, try ballet, tap dancing,karate, gymnastics, to help build confidence & self esteem

I would not write this off as being an only child. I had siblings, and I was like this until I was in my early 20s. I wish my own parents would have caught on to this when I was young and helped me out.

I think role playing is great! Know that this is part of her personality, and she may always be like this to a certain extent. The issues and situations will change as she grows up, so consider this an ONGOING conversation you will have with her. When you and her father stand up to people, be sure to tell your daughter how and why you did it--you being good role models is the best help you can give her.

Hi, I just read a book called the Highly Sensitive Child, by Elaine Aron. It sounds like it might be helpful for you. She says in there that most shy kids are highly sensitive. she talks about having a child who is highly sensitive when the parents are not and how to handle it. She also addresses how to handle situations like the one you're talking about.
Hope that helps!

I don't think that this is an only child issue at all. My dd is 7, has an older and a younger sibling, and has grown up in my home daycare, and she is the same way. She tends to be a people pleaser and let's her friends walk all over her at times. She sees it as being nice and always letting them have their way and doesn't want them to get mad. She is being a pushover. I have talked to her about it, that she should be able to play things her way and her games ideas, too. We practice, role play, so she gets the courage to stand up to her friends. It is hard, I think some people are just that way.
S.

Hi J.,

I agree with the role playing. Ask her what situations bother her at school and then use puppets or a felt board to act out the situation. I've done this with Dora and Swiper felt cut-outs for daycare before. This works especially well for children who are not into "acting". You can ask your child, "what can Dora say to Swiper when Swiper acts like that"?

You can also make up your own social story and make a home-made book for her or with her. Make up characters for the story and use a situation similar to the ones that are bothering her. Have the characters solve the problems in a way in which you would like your daughter to interact with her peers. You can make several social stories and read them before bed or at breakfast before school so they are fresh in her mind.

Skillstreaming for Early Childhood is in an excellent book that shows kids step by step how to manage every day situations. Anything from how to listen, to how to ask for what you want, and how and when to use "brave talk". I highly recommend it.

Another source for teaching social skills is a website for a new program for early childhood called PBS (positive behavior supports).

http://www.vanderbilt.edu/csefel/familytools.html

Good luck!

J.

It's not an issue because she's an only child (both my mother and my husband are only children), but rather her personality. It sounds like she is an extreme introvert and that you and your husband are not. In addition to the role playing that others have suggested it would be helpful to pick up a book about emotional intelligence and emotional coaching for children. Daniel Goleman has some I think although I don't know if his are directed at children. There are also books out there that specifically address extrovert parents raising introvert children and vice versa. I took an ECFE class on this subject once, but it's been years so I can't remember the names of the titles. I am an extrovert with mostly extroverted children, but I have some very introverted relatives (through marriage) and it has helped me to understand where they are coming from. Some people do change personality types over the years or have a little of both in them, but most people lean towards the same style for most of their life. You can help her stand up for herself with emotional coaching. Best wishes.

What an awesome mother you are, to recognize this needs to be addressed. I have no advice, but can tell you the importance of standing up for yourself, esp. being female. In the dating world, it'll be important, in social settingw with other girls in the preteen years, and when you start working: it's important. I was never taught this, and learned the hard way how not speaking up for yourself brings on such depression....great job, i'll eagerly read the responses. So many smart moms out there...

my suggestion is to practice this with her at home. tell her you can still be polite and respectful to people, but you deserve a chance to play with a toy or finish using something before another child has to use it.

also, have some small playdates and put her in a situation where they need to share: like one scissor, one glue etc. this will give her a chance to practice with friends and then she should be more comfortable with other people she doesnt know as well.

my girl was painfully shy up unitl kindergarten, she kind of outgrew it, but we still work on new issues like when kids name call or she will be going somewhere with new people. practice, practice, practice and lots of praise!!

My son's therapist told him to start using "I feel ... " and then an "I want ..." statement together. He is to practice at home to build his confidence and then when it comes to school even if he doesn't say the words he will know what is happening inside of him, and will be able to stand up for himself. So now we are working on our patience with him as when we get onto him, he saying what he feels and what he wants and us identifying that but still letting him know we are in charge. Sometimes he gets what he wants and other times he gets explained to how life is and just has to accept it. It is a great way to know what he is thinking and feeling but also teach him that in the world sometimes you get your way and others you don't. But he has started standing up for himself more and buy doing it at home it doesn't hurt so much on the playground when he gets let down.

There is a fine line between being polite and sweet and being a doormat and between being assertive and being a bully. Trying to teach that to a child is a real challenge. Role playing might help her. How much exposure does she get to other children while at home? Maybe she just needs to play with more children. She needs to learn how to interact with other children. Maybe if you go to school for a few hours and observe the behavior you will have a better idea of how to handle the behavior. It's okay to tell her to take the toy back and tell the other child "I had it first". What does the teacher do?
Personal observance is the best teachers are not always the best person to relay information to a parent. I had a teacher tell me that my daughter was lazy and stupid. Unfortunately she had the same teacher for 1st and 2nd grade. When she was in 3rd grade I finally had her tested by an independent authority and found out she was dyslexic. I was overjoyed that now finally I had an answer and my child could get the help she needed. When I told the teacher she told me there is no such thing as dyslexeia and my child was just stupid and lazy. You know your child best.

Hi J.! You have gotten WONDERFUL advice! We had to do the role play game at home too. There was a lady in our church with boundary issues. We were able to teach him to say NO to hugs and kisses if he wanted to. He is so much more confident now!
My parents, sister, nephew and nieces also helped. We had everyone play out a different scenario so he would know what to say in almost any situation. It was fun but also great practice!
My parents said it was great practice for them too as they are shy and compliant too. My whole family is....except for me :)

I agree with Debbie. My son is 3 and is also very shy and sensitive. I do a lot of role play with him (make it more of a game). We also play "use your loud voice". He will sometimes ask for things back but whispers. It is helping but it is a slow process.

these really arent only child issues, they are personality traits. :D
your daughter is a laid back girl. also shy, etc.
this is, for the most part, a good thing. ill bet shes also in tune with people's emotions, very sensitive, etc. right?

the only problem is, like your example, people will walk all over her.
the key is to get her to assert herself, not be more aggressive.
how you do that, i dont know.
im that girl, im the sensitive, laid back, shy girl who doesnt know exactly how to keep people from walking all over me.
so good luck with that.
www.askdrsears.com might help.... or ...
consciousdiscipline.com
see if any of those help you.
most of all support her to speak up at home with you and dad. shes old enough where she can say something to you right? especially in your home where you can help her to learn WHAT to say.
:D
good luck.
:D

I agree that it's probably a personality issue. There's a great book out there that I love that talks about different personalities of kids and how to develop their strengths and overcome weaknesses...it's called Personality Plus for Children by Florence Littauer. A Great resource!

I agree with the previous poster...practice, practice, practice! I do this all the time with my 2 1/2 year old daughter :) She would never say hello to new people or tell them her name so we worked on that and now when we are going someplace and I tell her there will be a new friend she always asks to practice introductions (Hi, my name is M.. What's your name?) in the car before we get there. Make up situations and give her the language to handle the situation. Take turns being the one who is the leader and who is the shy one. If it is too hard for her to be in charge herself, you can also act out situations using dolls or other toys. Also set up playdates... maybe with a younger child so that your daughter can practice being the "boss" and deciding what to do.

It has little to nothing to do with being an only child, it is her personality. My son is an only child and he is the exact opposite, absolutely not afraid of anyone or anything. He charges into social situations like a herd of buffalo and has needed role playing of different scenarios to learn how to ask for a toy instead of grabbing it away, how to keep from hoarding every toy in a room and how not to hit or push kids who mess with what he is trying to play.

Do some role playing as people have suggested but don't expect her to be like you or your husband. Look for the positives in her personality style because the world needs all types.