Son Not Talking at Daycare!

After five months, he should have adjusted, and yes I would say he is unhappy. It doesn't matter if the teacher is great or not, maybe it's just a personality conflict, but he is not adapting and maybe you should look elsewhere. Just my opinion. Good luck.

Hi H.! I would try to get him to tell you why he doesn't like his teacher but I would definitely consider moving him. I had my daughter in daycare when she was an infant/early toddler and she would cry every day too and that is just heart wrenching and a terrible way to start your day every day. By 2 1/2 he should be past the separation anxiety I would think so something else is probably bothering him there and you should listen to his cues. I definitely feel your pain and empathize with you. It's so hard to imagine your children are unhappy. If you go to move him maybe you can take him to a few different places and let him go in and check it out with you and help in the decision making process. Maybe that would make him feel more comfortable? Good luck!

H.,

You definately need to take him out. After this amount of time, if he were just being stubborn, he would have given in. There is more to it. Kids have certain instincts about people and he does not feel comfortable there with his teacher or the environment. I would definately take him out, and probably would have a few months ago.
Listen to your son, he is trying to tell you that he is not happy with the way things are.
I would even consider taking some time off to spend with him to build his security level back up.
If he cries every morning, he is saying to you, "This is not a good place, mom, and I need you to hear me and trust me."
Children are smarter than we give them credit for and they need to know that we have their best interests at heart and not just our own.
Take Care,
T.

I could be wrong, but maybe his teacher is not so nice. I used to work as an assistant in a school/nursery class. The kids were anywhere from 2.5 - 5 years. The teacher was mean to the kids and most of them were unhappy. There was one little girl that would never communicate. Her mother didn't understand, because the girl communicated so much at home. I didn't have the heart to tell her that, even though the teacher was never mean to her daughter in particular, I believed the daughter was just not happy to be there. I don't think she respected the teacher very much. The teacher probably is not physically abusive, but she is probably more abrasive than your son is comfortable with.

Good luck!

Is he able to tell you what about "school" he doesn't like? That really does sound like a lot of change in a short time, and the crying when you leave could be normal (yes even for 5 months, so long as he is fine shortly after you leave) but it doesn't really explain why he is not socializing with the other kids or speaking to the teacher. Are you able to observe at all? Online camera links or anything like that? If so, I would definitely do that. If not, you might be wise to shop for another setting. Mine were never in daycare, but my youngest (daughter) has always been quite shy (until she is very comfortable with the people and warms up) and very sensitive to being "scolded" or getting "into trouble" particularly outside of the house. When she is upset she refuses to talk. Completely. She has always been this way and still struggles to talk when she is upset at 7 yrs old. Like she is trying to keep from bawling and so doesn't open her mouth. If that is what he is doing, then he needs another setting where he is comfortable. That is way too much stress on a child that young, all day, every day. My bigger question would be WHY he is so upset like that. I would be very concerned that something sinister is going on, or that the other children are not accepting of him and the teacher doesn't see it or doesn't care so that he feels isolated and alone. Either case, it is not a healthy situation for your son. I would look for alternatives... listen to your gut instincts, they can be amazingly accurate.

Good Morning H.,

If your gut instinct tells you that maybe you should look around at other daycare / preschool settings, then give it a try, it won't hurt to look. I can only tell you what I have experienced in the past with my own children, but every child is different.

With my oldest daughter, when she was about your son's age I had been trying to get her potty trained without any luck. So my husband and I decided to let her help us, I took her to several of the preschool's in the area and they gave us a tour. We were able to find her teacher (for her age group) and had her speak to my daughter, she basically told her that as soon as she was potty trained, she could come join their class. This way she was able to see what type of fun, learning activities they did during their day and I was able to find out whether this was the right place for her or not. When we would leave I asked her questions like, what did you like best here? What did you not like? Would you like to come back? This helped me find out what she thought right after we visited their location. Moral of this story was my daughter was fully potty trained within a week and no accidents happened the following week. We were able to find the "right preschool" right down the road from us, that she loved, never wanted to leave, would get mad if we picked her up early and learned a lot. By the age of four she was able to read, needless to say, my husband and I were impressed with the whole situation.

With my second daughter, who is now 5 1/2 years old, we had several different experiences between in-home care and daycare facilities. Some good and some bad. Needless to say, she was moved a lot between in-home and daycare then in-home again, until I found the right provider for her. When she was in the daycare facility with the infants that were more active and could do things like her, for example walking, everything was wonderful for about 4 months. Then her personality and behavior changed; she started crying everyday before we even got in the front door of the facility, she acted afraid and clingy. She was not a shy child at all, so this behavior was odd for her.

I started asking questions and found out that the teacher that was originally in her class was re-assigned to another class and she was not taking to the new teachers. The teachers did not welcome her in the mornings or act happy when she came into the class and after a period of time she was not adjusting. Then my daughter started getting hurt while in their care, things that could have and should have been prevented were being overlooked, example being bit by other kids, falling down and having bumps and bruises, more than usual. When I asked the director if she could either switch the teacher back or switch my daughter into her class, she stated "no" for both request. Her reason for switching the teacher was so that the teacher would not get too attached to the children in her class. My daughter was not the only child being affected by this change. I thought this was a silly excuse, but my understanding as a parent and now a caregiver is that you want "your child" or the children under your care to be safe and have a wonderful day when you are unable to be with them. The best decision I made was to remove my daughter from the facilities care. She was then placed in the home of the original teacher from the daycare facility. My daughter's personality changed back and she was happy go lucky. My daughter stayed in her care for over two years until our babysitter moved. She is still greatly missed by my daughter.

You have to do what works best for you. If you try for in-home care again, see if you are able to find someone to work with your son on a daily basis or possibly find someone that homeschools their children. Sitting with a child, teaching them their ABC's, sounds and numbers; reading a book to them and teaching them to write, draw and color over a period of time during the day overall does not take long to do. My son and the little girl under my care, do best if it is spread out during the day between other activities. Good luck and I H. you have a wonderful, blessed day!

J. W
Mommy to 3 ~ oldest is 10 and my youngest is 23 1/2 months old with one on the way!

H.,
I would spend the day in the classroom watching your son and THE TEACHER. I suspect that there is something not quite right at the school. Have you talked with the director or other parents of classmates? Can you switch daycares? Try one on for a day and see if your son responds the same way or if he comes out of his shell.

I would be suspious. That or he may not like that fact the you changed his provider and that he is not ok with the switch. It sounds like to me he is just not happy with. Plus you moved so that is stressful and he has a new day care and now he is being potty trained, thats alot for one little guy to handle.did you also switch him to a big boy bed? I would just consider all of this and he may just be taking it out on his teacher and the kids.

I suggest that you give him a little something of yours for him to hold onto during the day for you. I would actually phase it that way....say to him "can you hold onto this for mommy today and give it back to me when I come back later to pick you up". Maybe he is thinking that you are not going to come back and see him. I would give that a try. Also, is there another teacher there that maybe he would interact with? Maybe they can change the area that he stays in. Otherwise after that maybe talk with his doctor and see if you can get some feedback from him/her. After all of that if notthing works, move him. Also take him with you and see how he reacts when you walk into the new place. Good Luck.

I feel for you. My daughter had a tough time also. If it were me in your situation, I would look for an alternative child care provider. I did that with my daughter and she thrived in the new mother's morining out program. If he is not responding well after 5 months, I don't think it is going to change. Best wishes.
K.

Hello H.,
I truly believe you need to remove him from this setting. He obviously isn't adjusting, perhaps a one on one enviroment would be helpful or a smaller seting with another child and a provider. I have recently opened my home Day Care and I have a gorgeous 14month old son,my husband and I decided it would be best for our son to go to pre school later on as he will be more communicative and better adjusted. If you would like to discuss this option please email me.

It is not normal for him to have this type of reaction to his daycare. The same thing happen to my son and he was traumatized by the situation. They will have a short time of adjustment to a new place but he should grow to love his teacher not dislike her. I would suspect that either their personalities clash (maybe she is too loud and you are more the quiet sweeter type, etc) or she has done something for him not to trust her - not just a timeout. This is just my opinion, but my son is now in a wonderful daycare/preschool and he loves it. Sure there are days when he rather stay home with Mom, but he always has fun once he is there.
He loves his teachers! If it feels wrong, it probably is. Ask more questions, observe the other children, etc. Is anyone happy there? Is there a high turnover of teachers?

Good Luck. It is always hard, but I believe Moms know best!

As a mom of four, one being a 2 1/2 year old and a childcare provider to three more 2 1/2 yr olds, I frequently see this. The most important thing is to have ALL of the teachers and aids working with you to help teach your son the importance of expressing himself. not only do you not want him to learn to be a loner or to not share his feelings, wants and needs, but each word he says is part of his vocabulary building and language development. The teachers need to give him LOTS of choices. if he faqils to verbalize what choice he wants, then they make it for him, and try to lean away from what they think he really wants. for Example, Do you want jiuce or water? No response, ask again, then say, OK, I will give you water and walk away. No special attention or delayed time spent trying to pull the words out of him. Same thing with toys, play time, which music do you want to listen to,saying would you like me to push you in the swing? He should respond yes or no, if he refuses to talk, have the teacher move on and ask another child ( in front of him) if they would like to swing, when that child says yes, then slightly over exaggeratedly respond to the child who used her words. If he wants something and is pointing, grunting, crying, whining, have them say You need to use your words, I don't understand what you are saying, use your words please. If he refuses, even though they know exactly what he wants, don't give in unless he uses his words. This is foundational training for teaching 10-12 month olds to speak, but at his age, he is just using his refusal to talk to certain people as a way of control. It is also important that he is given other ways to find control. Lay out two outfits and let him choose which one, get two colored juice boxes and let him choose. Encourage his teachers to find lots of things he could choose. Does he want to color on a red paper or a green paper. Allowing him choice alleviates his need for control. If his teachers don't know this already, I would find another child care center, they are supposed to be teaching and helping his early development, not babysitting.
As for potty training, if he is doing well at home and staying dry all weekend, then introduce at school. This is not a time for choice. Simply have the teachers say, it's potty time, you need to go potty now. Take him every half hour, if he goes, he gets a sticker, if he doesn't, he goes again in 15 minutes. Even if he refuses to say he needs to go, he will get taken there. Even though my girls all know better and go everytime I take them, they rarely say they have to go before it's too late. i just have to make potty time every hour or so. If they go, they get to put a littel sticker on the inside of the toilet seat. They love doing that and it's easy to remove later. Good Luck

Definately talk to the director about all of this. There is a lot of change for him right now, but it could be something else too. The director should be able to help you find a way to work this out if not then it might be time to look for another daycare.
Definately check the Daycare reports from firstcoastnews.com, they do a great job at evaluating a daycare.
http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/childcare/
Depending on which side of town your on, I'm on the Southside of town, I could recommend a daycare for you. This is also a good website to look up daycares with too. This way you get feedback from Mom's like us.
Good luck and don't give up.

Hmmm...it sounds like he has had a lot of changes recently and perhaps that is why he is trying to take "control" of his life by refusing to speak.

We had some adjustment problems with my 2 1/2 year old when we moved a few months ago. She did beautifully in her old school, but here, she cried, clung to me, even claimed her teachers hit her!! (I am confident they did not, I even sat in on a class to see how they interacted with the kids and they handled everything very calmly and I also spoke with the program director, who was directly across the hall from her classroom). She did get over it after 2 months, and 5 months does seem like a long time to keep crying...

I refused to speak for most of kindegarten when I was little -- the teacher had a gruff voice and I was terrified, even though my mom insists she was a perfectly nice woman. The teacher thought there was something wrong with me, but my parents knew better because I talked up a storm at home! I don't think things improved for me until a year later, when I had a new, soft-spoken teacher!

I don't have any great advice...maybe giving him a chance to control other decisions more often (if you are not doing this already) would help...talking to him about it...trying to do as many things the same as you did in your old house/town (once we started doing Gymboree classes again like we used to I really think my child became happier). Maybe you can sit in on part or all of the daycare time with him to help him feel more comfortable?

Good luck, I know this is hard. If you feel in your heart he needs to be somewhere else than do it, but you may find yet another change doesn't sit well with him, either.

Hi H.,

Well, after reading your post, I feel for both you and your son. Without knowing your son personally, it is hard to know just what the cause is, but I can tell you that if I were you, I would try to find alternative care. There are some excellent child care facilities(more the exception rather than the rule) , but you have to do your homework, and often times, better care comes at a higher cost--but its worth it.

If your son has been unhappy for 5 months at this facility and still cries when you drop him off in the morning, it could be a huge red flag. Adults often forget that these young, brilliant minds work REALLY well. Toddlers have an amazing ability to understand much more than we know. Trust your son and trust your mother's intuition.

I also wanted to suggest that a facility that uses "time out" as opposed to a more positive term/discipline technique, such as "quiet place", could be another red flag. Toddlers don't need to be punished--sometimes they just need a little quiet time to gather their thoughts and it should never be done in a punitive way.

Don't give up on the child care setting if that is a better option for you and your family. I really enjoy the structure of my daughter's school (she's 2 1/2 and attends a Nationally accredited program in Maitland) and she really enjoys her experience there.

Good luck to you!

5 months is plenty of time for him to adjust to his new daycare. If he tells you his teacher is mean to him (afterall, he did communicate his feelings), that is a warning sign to me. I would move him QUICKLY to another daycare. You can find a site that is a good fit for him. Also, you can request a list of the home daycare's in your new area from your State (whatever dept governs daycare's).

5 months in an unhappy place is too long.

My son went through a similar phase at about the same age, but it lasted less than 3 months. I actually didn't know he wasn't talking for a good two months, they never said anything! If your son is still crying every morning I'd say something is not right. Maybe he's not ready to be in such a strict and demanding environment. My son was in a home type environment until almost 3yrs and really thrived there. I too had to switch because of a move. (My son is now a well-adjusted straight A student who is adored by his teachers and will be going to middle school next year:)) Another option may be to try the Montessouri Schools. I've heard some children really thrive in that setting at an early age because they do not demand children participate in specific activities at specific times, there is more freedom to explore. I'm sure you'll find plenty of information on-line...Best of Everything to you!

Hi H.,
Why don't you take some time to "talk" with your son and ask him a few more questions about why he does not like his teacher...ask him about how she treats him...then really listen to him. Kids are smart...they know when they are being mistreated. He obviously has a bubbly personality. The way he is acting/responding over the day care issue is past normal. I would look at it as an indicator that something is wrong. Do they have video cameras? Maybe you can review...I would check out your options at other schools...maybe a church facility? DOUBLE check everything. This is your baby!!

Well it sounds like he has separation anxiety. How is he when you leave him with other care providers? Babysitter? Is there anyone else to compare the behavior to? The reason I ask is I would have to wonder if he has serious separation anxiety all of the time or just with this particular person.
I do find it odd that after 5 months he is still reacting this way. Kids usually thrive in school settings and it usually only takes about 2 weeks to adjust...and school setting are so great for socialization, early education, getting them used to that setting (which they will be in for a very long time!)
What is your reaction to him when he tells you about not liking his teacher or he starts screaming when you leave? Are you stressed too? Do you linger when you drop him off? These are all things that will actually encourage this behavior. He needs to feel safe and OK and both you and the DC provider need to reinforce this.
What about the other kids? Doesn't he like them?
What are your feelings about his teacher?
I have to say I'm a little leery of her because after 5 months, he should be accustomed to his routine. And at his age, he should starting to get over his separation anxiety from you in general--it's usually gone by 3. So if you are doing everything you can do at home and while you are dropping him off to make his transition easy--AND he if he has no problems being left with other care providers, I would seriously look into another Day care setting.
As far as Potty training--don't just look at his age, but the ready signs. A lot of boys just train later. I tried my son at 2 1/2 feeling the pressure and it was a nightmare of him not caring he was wet or dirty. We just tried again right after he turned 3, and he trained in two days--quite easily I might add, which absolutely floored us.
So my advice is to take on one thing at a time. First, deal with the separation anxiety --even if that means moving his day care setting, and THEN work on the Potty training.