So Lost with My 14Yr Old Help

You are on the right track. 1. Keep communication lines as open as she will allow. However, try to keep the communication short and to the point. Many teens stop listening after the first sentence. 2. Call her high school counselor and schedule a meeting. 3. Finally, sit down and do the homework with her.

I would get her into counseling asap. Ask their advice about home schooling. That was the only thing that worked with my middle child.

I think you need to talk to Kevin Hinckley. He is the ONLY counselor I trust in all the metroplex. I know him personally and he is so kind and understanding and truly devoted to helping parents. I don't have his phone number on me, but his website is www.thefrazzledparent.com .

You need help with your daughter and there is NOTHING less than honorable about that.

My best wishes for your success.

Dear S.:

Run, don't walk, to counseling! My niece sounds very similiar to your daughter. The counselor helped get everybody to listen to each other. Also, a counselor can say the same thing Mom is saying, only she will listen to him/her and not you right now.

My niece's counselor recommended an excellent book, "Get Out of My life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?" by Anothony E. Wolf, Ph.D. It's a parent's guide to the new teenager. Except for the author's idea that it's okay for teens to use bad language with their folks, it's a very helpful book. It will help you see how your daughter is thinking. Teen brains do NOT work like adult brains or children's brains.

Hang in there. My niece is now 17 and doing great in school. She still does things we all just stand back and scratch our heads, but at least now it's just minor, silly teenage things!

L. F., Mom of a 13-year-old daughter. Yes, the hormones and boy crazy is just starting in my household!

Start by going to www.totaltransformation.com
This program will give you practical ways to handle your daughter. More importantly, they have an 800 number that you can call and talk to a counselor anytime you need help. That means, in the heat of battle when you are at a loss for what to do, you can pick up the phone and call someone who will coach you on how to handle the situation. It is worth it just for the helpline! You can access their newsletter that has lots of great articles at www.empoweringparents.com to get an idea of their advice and services. They have tons of great articles archived that are behavior and solution specific. Good luck!

There is a book called "Parenting Teens with Love & Logic" by Foster Cline that you must read. It's about giving kids choices and following through with consequences if they make the wrong choices. I would read that and seek counseling if you are still having trouble with her. God bless!

First step. Sit down and talk to her. Ask her what is going on and tell her you are concerned and that you want the best for her. Be prepared to listen more than talk. It may be hard to get this conversation started, but keep at it until you get through to her. Girls at this age are going through a lot. Let her know that you understand. Ask if there is anything you can do to help her get through this. You don't have to give up your consequences for her actions - but you can provide love and support during this hard time in her life. Tell her the difference between the way boys think and girls think. This is important because she can get hurt if she is trying to get "love" from someone that isn't mature enough to even know what this is. She may have already been hurt and this is a result of that pain. Try to find out what is going on and let her know you are there for her. Second thing. Stay in control when she talks back. Tell her calmly that she cannot talk to you with disrespect. That if she wants to disagree on an issue then she has to be respectful and then you will listen to her. Very little gets accomplished in an argument. Teach her to sit down and vent her frustrations in a way that opens up communication instead of tears down communication. No matter how rebellious or shut off she seems - she will be looking to you for an example of how to deal with problems. You have to show her that you have the inner calm to weather the storm and also let her know that every storm passes. Try to get her a support network. Talk to counselors, teachers, friends, etc. Some schools have mentoring programs that are helpful. Stop focusing on "forcing" her to do the right thing and focus on supporting her and getting the support she needs. Wishing you the best. :)

Not sure where you live, but you need to get her to counseling NOW - there is more going on here than meets the eye. If you live in the Tyler area, I highly recommend Tom Haygood - he's in LIndale but used to be in Tyler and is very good.

It may be difficult to accept, but I do believe life and growing up is much more complicated for our children than for us. My daughters are now 20 and 22 yrs, but the early teens were the most difficult and painful for them.
I recommend counseling, medical evaluation, open, calm communication and patience. Be loving, consistant, and do not make empty threats. Find partners to help you both - friends, relatives, her teachers. My best wishes as you grow together.

Hello!
You may try homeschooling. Some children can not handle the pressures of school because many situations are just too unkind. You could get into a homeschool coop for 1 or 2 days a week. Going to a small youth church group may help.
You sound like a caring mother. This approach does not seem to be helping. A better school situation might help!
Blessings!
Sincerely,
C. N.

I would rally the troops. Get your husband and her teachers involved and try to work out a plan. Let her know you are not teaming up against her but for her. BUT FIRST ask her exactly what she wants. Kids want control so badly. Let her write it down, whatever makes her happy. You don't have to give her one thing on her list, but it will give you clear picture of what she fighting against and let her see your not the enemy. Its so weird we think we know what they want (and sometimes we do) but sometimes they surprise us.

In my opinion, your daughter could really use you as a friend right now- not the "opposing team."

Most kids go through a rebellious stage. I will admit I don't know how to parent that phase yet b/c my kids are still small, but when I was your daughter's age I was out doing things I shouldn't have been. My dad was STRICT and that only made it worse for the both of us. My mom was cool and because I could talk to her it probably saved me from a lot of stuff because I knew she was my safety net.

Maybe you guys could go for a drive or a walk or something where you can communitate and tell her you know her life is not easy. Teenage girls are mean - teenage boys are stupid, etc., etc. Then tell her you are there for her and that you trust her to make choices that she won't regret. And that you LOVE her. Then, step back and let her find her way. If you've got her back, then she's good.

Good luck.

I have to agree with the last reply. Counselors are there to help you- with the good ones it is truly a gift God gave them. They have always been around, sometimes under different titles (preacher/minister, teacher, guidance counselor, etc.). People were & still are a fraid if you see a counselor there must be something wrong with you. It's not true! Find a good Christian counselor for both of you & they will help God guide you. Most of them work on a sliding payment scale. Your daughter will tell a counselor (that she learns to trust) much more than she will tell you. It's so much harder to be a kid these days- and in turn, harder to be a parent. Hang in there, but don't be afraid to get help. You'll be glad you did!

Hi S., I suggest GOING to Biology class with your daughter, holding her hand, and sitting right next to her if not her on your lap. Tell her if she's too immature to get things done without you that you will hold her hand and help her through it. I promise you it will only take once... she will get whatever work done the teacher asks for before she will allow you to come back to school with her!

One other suggestion, tell her exactly what she can do to earn each privilege back. Maybe she's feeling overwhelmed and doesn't really know what to change first.

I didn't read all the responses, just your update.

God is the ultimate Counselor - but sometimes He speaks through people - like counselors! Or friends...

Counselors can help in several ways: They can help someone figure how what motivates them, how to communicate with others, and how to change his or her (destructive) behaviors.

Using your logic, why go to doctors or hospitals? They didn't used to exist either!

I wish you and your daughter the best!

A.

S.,
First... counseling for you and your daughter together and separate.

Second... you may have gone too far. Not that she shouldn't be punished, but if you go too far, there's nothing really for her to reach toward.

Her life will soon be her own... it's not now and she needs to follow your rules. However, point out to her that her life will be her own soon and you want to help her reach her goals. So ask her what they are and make a plan together. Talk about how your rules support her goals.

She may not have to repeat 9th grade... if she passed all her other classes, then she only has to take Biology and she can take it in summer school.

Counselling will help you both. Please call someone right away. You can find ones that are affordable.

I know this may sound silly. But go to the library and check-out a book called "The Five Languages of Love: For Teens". It is awesome! They sell it also at Sam's Club. It will help you alot in your relationship with your teen. Most kids about this age go through this puberty stage so hang tuff! Its hard I know. With this book you will learn what your child loves. You will build bonds and feel wonderful about the relationship you will have with your teen. She will feel loved and trust. I highly recommend this to anyone with kids. I have learned alot from this little book. It gives you things to do to find out your childs language. They also have one for children and one for marriage. They are wonderful books!!

Tonia

SOunds like you've gotten a lot of good advice. I agree with taking her and you to family counseling. There is a great book called "For Parents Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn that I HIGHLY recommend. It is a GREAT resource!!! It really helps you get into the teenagers head!
(on a side note "for women only" and "for men only" are also very insightful and good)

God bless.

I would get her some counseling ASAP.

I agree that counseling sounds like a good first step but maybe you could also try giving her back some control and offering to let her work for 10 minutes on the phone or a friend over for an hour and so on. Have her show you completed assignments or grades from the teacher to get her priveledges back. If that works maybe you could then turn it into chores done along with completed assignments gets bigger rewards like going to a movie or cell phone for a whole saturday, etc. I think giving her back some control very little at a time will help you both learn to navigate her teenage years with a more united front.

My advice is keep pushing. You're being a mom and she's being a teenager. I haven't been on the mom end of it yet but I do remember being a HORRIBLE teenager. I did all the things you've mentioned about your daughter and even more. Just keep pushing through. Things will get better.

You mentioned drill team...is she close with her couch? Mine was a big part of my life and part of me pulling through and growing out of my 'teenage rebellion' phase.

Just me personally-it was getting a great boyfriend who was more responsible and drill team. The boyfriend made me realize I was pretty much retarded when I was running away and when I would scream at my parents (that same boyfriend is now my husband of 7 1/2 years and father of my 2 wonderful kids!). Drill team was the other factor. Our school didn't allow you to try out till 10th grade and then when I got on I wanted to be an officer and knew that I needed to do my best (acedimically and socially) to do that. The couch was very involved in our personal lives and actually knew a little too much about my home life so a lot of the time if we ended up with a quite moment, she'd pull me off to the side and ask about how things were going and kinda the 'you know better then that' speech.

Some of the stuff you might not even realize with your daughter. I was headed down a wrong path when we lived in Oklahoma City but then my parents up and moved me down to Greenville, TX when I was in the 8th grade. It was horrible. I didn't feel like I fit in at all. We have always been involved in church and in OKC I had friends and was really into it but when we moved down here the kids in the youth group already were close and I didn't feel welcome and actually had one of the kids make fun of me at school from the youth group so that was a really big blow. My mom told all her friends at church about what I was going through so it made it worse because it felt like I was always getting a lecture from someone. Whole point of this paragraph-don't let her know that you've told the world 'how bad she is' (I'm not saying you have-I'm saying that's how I saw it when my moms friends tried to talk to me)

I just feel for you. Now having kids of my own and having mended the relationship with my mom.... It scares me because my daughter is like me in so many ways I wonder what it's going to be like when she's a teenager you know.

But as I said before-it gets better. My mom is now my best friend and the person I run to with everything now :).

If you want to PM me to talk or ask advice feel free!

Hope things get better!!

DO PRAY!!! (I think that was a lot of what helped me as well :>)

Have you tried talking to her about why there is a change in her? Maybe she needs more "mom time". Think about what your family situation is...have there been any changes, upsets or something that has gone on that maybe you don't realize could be affecting her? Instead of taking things away from her and telling her what she CAN'T do, try using positive reinforcement and rewarding her when she does do good things. Let her know she'll get rewards if she does good things. At some point I think all teens "act out", but what you described sounds like a young lady who is screaming for your attention and just doesn't know how to reach you. Of course, your family is unique and only you know what will work. Good luck and message me if you want to talk.

K.

S.

There has to be something deeper going on. Something has happend to make her rebel like this. Now is the time for a calm one on one mother daughter talk. Maybe start out by sharing something personal about yourself when you were her age. You have to gain her trust first. Then let her open up. It may take time, calm talking, not when she is in trouble but when you have a moment to relax and open up. I pray to find out what is really going on with your daughter and what has happend to cause this.

prayer and blessings
M.

I had the same problem with my now 16 year old...first, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Here is what we did. We started therapy at age 14 and finally we resorted to placing her in a place called The Excel Center which is an very intensive outpatient therapy school in Fort Worth, TX. She went to school 3 hours a day and therapy 4 hours a day. We had very intensive family therapy, because this affects the whole family. We came up with a plan on how she would earn back privileges including boys, the internet, friends, cell phone, learning to drive (she does not have her lic. yet), etc. We put it in a contract of what behaviors were "annoying" and what behaviors were totally unacceptable and a time line of when she would get these things back and at anytime she broke the contract the time started over. Our daughter just finished the "30 day plan" and is such a delight now...I mean don't get me wrong she is still a teenager, but the friends she is bringing home now and the decisions she is making are sooo much better now. She was out of control like your daughter and underneath it all your daughter is screaming for some thing...and through therapy (a long, but worth it process) you will be able to help her work through these problems and you will learn a lot about yourself! Oh, just be prepared they might want to put her on medication and I want to tell you right now I am not for that, but our daughter is on meds and I know that is what has helped her a great deal!!! It is like night and day! She is so much more pleasant to be around and now can focus on school and her future! I hope this helps! Don't be affraid to ask lots of questions about the medications and don't be affraid of the meds....just encourage the doctors to start with the easier meds...like Abilify. If they want to do Serequel ask them about Abilify it is an easier lower dose medication. And anti-depressants are all about the same. It is a long road, but your child is not helpless or hopeless and worth all the work you are about to embark on! I want to make you aware of a place called Millwood (if you are in the DFW, TX metroplex). It is an inpatient stabalization hospital in Arlington, TX if she ever talks about suicide don't hesitate to take her there or a place like it -- if you are not in the DFW area. Take care!

I work with families and their children, so if things don't get figured out...I am a behavioral consultant, some call me the Texas Super Nanny. Anyway, feel free to give me a call if you would like to get together...###-###-####

Take her for a drive through the streets of downtown Dallas and let her see the homeless people that don't get to enjoy the luxuries she has and then take her to visit with some teenage mothers that are having to live at the shelter. May then she will see the importance of doing something positive with her life and see that she has got it real good and that the cell phone, computer, etc. is not more important than leaving those boys alone and getting her education. Don't just let her see them, let her talk to these people. I have worked with these people and they do have stories to tell, especially those kids that rebel and their parents loose patience and put them out to the streets. She has it good and it is my prayer that she suddenly realize it.

S., while much of this is normal for a girl her age, this seems extreme... it is the failing that would be most worrisome to me, as it is for you. It is normal for the grades to drop in Jr. High/beginning HS (I know mine did)! There is a huge adjustment period, and that is when those hormones are all out of whack. My best advice is to try to avoid yelling-- that just fuels the fire even more. Instead of making threats, just take everything away quietly and calmly (seems like you have), and for every test she passes, give her something back. Also, block out some time every night to sit with her and help her with her homework; tell her you are a team and you will help her get through this. Also, block out some weekend time to spend doing something fun, no matter what she does during the week-- that will let her know that she is loved unconditionally. For example, have dinner at her favorite restaurant every Friday evening... something like that... do this despite her behavior. Expect her to freak out, lie, etc... just remind her that the behavior is disrespectful... but don't expect it to stop anytime soon.
My kids aren't 14 yet, but it was such a rough time in my life that I speak to you from personal experience. I was a straight A student, but my grades began slipping in Jr. High. I was at an awful school to begin with-- no parent involvement, high level of poverty, etc., which didn't help. I was much more interested in boys, music, and TV than in school! This continued into 9th grade. I remember a teacher telling me, "you have so much potential"... but I wasn't motivated. In 10th grade, something clicked. I can't exactly explain it, but almost overnight, I decided to not go out every weekend-- to stay home, study, and pull my grades up. I also started dating my future husband; he was a straight A student, and I felt kind of stupid for letting my grades slip. We were good influences on each other, which is I guess why we stayed together for so long. I started making straight A's again, and by the end of Senior year, I had earned a place standing with the top 10 students from my graduating class. There is hope. Unfortunately, there's only so much you can do... it is a choice she's going to have to make for herself.
PS. I teach college English. Nothing is more frustrating than these students who write A papers but refuse to turn in any homework and consequently get a C in the class rather than the A they could have easily earned! I try to motivate them, but it never works! It is a choice.

Stand strong Mom. She's only rebelling because she has friends who have the run of their household and your daughter wants the same. She does not recognize it today, but in the long run, she will appreciate your efforts in trying to "straighten" her out. Have her volunteer at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen... while there point out the fact that these people might not have had parents that cared enough to say no and this is the results. If she yelps about how mean and uncaring you are, say you do care because you have the courage to place boundaries. Tell her it is not cool to follow the crowd but to be an individual who is smart... guys like academically SMART girls. Hang in there mom.

Sounds like you are doing all the right things...keep it up. Sometimes kids need to hit their own rock bottom before they realize they are messing up so badly. Its hard for a parent to let them fail so badly but you have to. If she does fail the grade and has to repeat perhaps the shame of it will kick her into gear.

Also have you tried counseling? Perhaps there are issues you do not know about, perhaps mental issues such as being bipolar or Oppositional Defiant Disorder that could be helped through medication. No one wants their kids to have these medical issues but there could be a solution.

Best of luck to you and your family. I know all too well what you are going through and know your heart is breaking a little more everyday. But have faith, be strong!

Sounds eerily familiar. Take her to your family doctor and ask him to drugtest her. Rule that out FIRST! Then seek counseling if she's clean. If not, then you must take steps to address the drug issue. Good luck and may God be with you!

Hi S.,

My heart goes out to you. I've been going through some similar, but slightly less extreme, problems with my previously near-perfect daughter who turned 13 last month. I know what you're dealing with is more serious, but maybe some of what we've been doing will help you a little. I agree with the other moms who recommend counseling (I'd get a recommendation from your pastor). It can help tremendously. We may still end up there soon if things start to go badly again. WIth all you're dealing with, I hope you're not letting your daughter have ANY unsupervised time. The problems with boys and smoking could have permanent consequences for her life.

We just moved, which combined with hormones, made for a mess. She was sneaking and lying about texting, computer use, and the cell phone, mostly trying to stay in touch (but 4500 text messages in one month is a bit extreme, especially since we had no plan in place!). Although I told her she was free to use our home phone at reasonable hours, she continued to sneak.

She was telling me she couldn't control herself. She continued to sneak late night calls after the cell phone and computer privileges were gone. With dead eyes, she told me she expected to get caught and punished, but didn't know why she was behaving this way. At the same time, she became disrepectful, snotty, and sarcastic to everyone in the family.

At first I took away some privileges, then more. I told her that her door had to be at least cracked open, but as it continued, the new requirement is that it be fully open (we're in a rental house and had trouble removing it completely). I explained that if it continued I would strip her room, and she would lose all of her cool stuff (decorations, pictures jewelry, bed, etc.--everything that makes it uniquely hers). I told her I didn't think that she appreciated how much she had relative to the rest of the kids in the world, and that all we were required to give her was food, clothing, and shelter.

I don't think she believed me. Soon caught her talking on the cell phone in bed (she'd stolen it back). With sadness, I followed through and started removing her things that night. At first she didn't seem to care, until I started taking her books and dicussed finding a good home for her cat--then it kicked in and the tears started. She immediately started talking about how fast she could earn it back, assuming it would be quick. I explained that it wasn't that simple, and we'd have to see if or when she'd "earn" it all back. (Funny how she seemed to think I was so bad she couldn't talk to me about her sadness, but still assumed I was so nice I woulndn't follow through or that I'd immediately give it all back! LOL)

Since my husgand and I felt like one problem was how much she was isolating herself in her room, we semi-jokingly told her she was being punished by having to be with the rest of us whether she liked it or not. After her homework was done, she got to spend her time doing dishes and helping around the house at my direction. She had to spend her evenings with us whether she liked what we were doing or not.

Over the next couple of days, I got the hate looks, etc. But I made a point of telling her I was doing this because I knew she was on the wrong path, that it wouldn't take her anywhere good. I told her that I loved her too much, and she was far too important and wonderful to let her continue down that path. I contined to hug her at every turn, and looked for any occasion to poke fun at the ridiculousness of this situation. I let her know that I understood her feelings, her sadness at the move (had a difficult move across country when I was 16), that I cared and would help her stay in touch with her friends. I let her know that I wanted my old daughter back, and tried to let her see that the door was open for her to come back with a good attitude.

Gradually over the past weekend, she started to crack a little. She had to work hard to keep from smiling at a few family jokes, started to hug back a little. She got bored, and sarcastically started asking if she was nice during a period of time, could she have a book back, or a piece of jewlery. I told her no, that wouldn't be enough, but it was a start, let's see how she did for the weekend. After a while, she seemed to lose energy and enthusiasm for keeping up the bad attitude. I let her have some jewelry for church. When she continued, I gave her one book.

Right now, she'd acting like her old self. She hasn't gotten her other things back and is still sleeping on her mattress on the floor, but if she continues to be so sweet we'll probably give it back this week. (I want to make sure we're not being played, but she does seem very sincere.)

I'm not sure, but I think what made a difference to her is our telling her how much we loved her, that we were sad for her, and that we felt it was important enough to do drastic things to get her back to where she needed to be. Humor helped. I think the hugging helped, too. Although I think at first she felt she'd changed and couldn't change back, being reminded that she could and that her life wouldn't always feel like this may have made a difference.

I hope something we've been through can help your family. I'll be praying for your and your daughter. I hope you'll let us know how she'd doing.

Blessings!

I'm sorry for your heartache! Been there, got the t-shirt, and hind sight is twenty twenty! Seriously, what you are probably dealing with is depression. You want to get help for her as early as possible. They eventually turn to self-medication in the form of drugs and/or alcohol. And they become very adept at lying to cover up both their fear and self-medication. They often take up the attitude, "The best defense is a good offense." I wish I had known more about adolescent depression at that time and saved both of us a lot of heartache. I thought it was just teenage attitude. Everyone told me she just wasn't getting strong enough discipline. The truth is, she was screaming out for help and I didn't recognize it. I don't know where you live, but I know of an excellent psychiatrist in Lewisville that is recognized nationally. He will also recommend talk therapy with a psychologist. There are many to choose from. The important thing there is to find one that she really likes and can talk to freely. She needs to feel that she can tell them anything in complete confidence. Saying what she thinks they want to hear won't help her. If you want names of those that we have found, let me know. You are lucky that you are getting help for her early. You will save years of heartbreak for both of you. Remember, this is not a discipline problem, it is an illness. Bless you both and good luck.

Sorry you are having such a stressful time. I have been there with my teen. I would stongly recommend you get some family counseling. It will help you all in how to work together , find out what is going on with her. She needs your guidance to help her but obviously the communication methods you are using are not reaching her teen brain cells. Sometimes we get so frustrated with our teen that we get into a cycle that needs to be broken and started anew. Don't put it off-do some research at your church and find some good help! Blessings to you....

S.,

I would recommend you seek a counselor for her to talk to. There is obviously something else going on in her life that she does not want to talk about so maybe she will talk to someone else. Stand your ground on discipline and don't give in. She is telling you these things to make you feel guilty when you did not take her life away she did by her actions and behavior.

I do promise you that as they get older they like you again and include you in their life. My daughter just turned 18 and is a Senior this year. I really struggled over the past three years with the fact that she would not talk to me much. I took her to counseling and we have the best talks again. Some of it is just age and finding out who she is etc. I know it is hard but we sometimes have to let them fall a few times and let them figure out things. I think girls want their independence and want to make their own choices and need to learn that parents are smarter than they think we are at the time.

I wish you the best of luck. Not sure where you live but there is a counseling center in Arlington called the Lena Pope Center. I took my daughther there and we saw Monica Olson. She is the best. I just love her and what she did for my relationship with my daugher.

I am not an expert with teenagers, but I was a middle school teacher before I resigned to stay home with my child. One thing that you need to know to help your perspective is, at their age - peers are more important than anything or anyone in the world! I always laughed when my students would say, "I hate when my parents tell me they understand what it's like - because they don't!" They can't wrap their minds around the fact that you too were 14 one day, and faced the same kinds of pressures and desires. It might help if you open the lines of communication as big as possible. In other words, let her know that you can't possibly understand what it must be like to be 14 now a days. (Of course you know what it was like, but it helps her to see you as someone she can talk to versus some she must hide from.) This way when she is ready, she can let you know what's going on, and then you can more effectively try to work out the problems. She doesn't want to do the "right thing" its just not cool. But don't worry, her attitude is shared with many other 14yrs olds. It too will change eventually as she matures. The important thing is her safety, and learning the balance between work and play. Let her understand how work is her school work, and she can't play if she doesn't make the grades. Tell her its like life, if you don't work, you don't have money, so how do you have any life at all? Let her know she can have her life back, when she makes better choices. Let her understand she is suffering the consequences of bad choices - that's how life works. So, if you want your life back, stop pitting the blame on other people, and take responsibilty. Because after all, that is what mature people do, they take responsibility for their actions. Just a suggestion, but they are very hard headed at this age, so just don't ever give up on her!

There is nothing wrong with handling it yourself and God being your counselor... if it is working. I hear your response a lot about going to counseling and just wanted to offer another point of view. God puts people in our lives with certain gifts, and counseling can be one of them. She may SAY she won't talk to a stranger, but it is only because she has never been and probably shares your feelings about it..sometimes it is the best thing to talk to an outsider who is unbiased and totally there to listen to you, which a teen always likes. There is obviously something that is making her angry and confused and it doesn't sound like she will talk to you or your husband when she is in this state as openly as she probably would a counselor. You can go to a Christian counselor, too. And yes, people didn't go back in the day because there was so much ignorance (or lack of knowledge) about it, it wasn't as widely accepted because people were ALL about keeping problems quite, and there wasn't as much education offered to become a counselor or psychologist. PLEASE don't take any of this the wrong way... I totally see where you are coming from and I am a Christian too, and totally believe in the power of prayer, trust in the Lord, God's guidance, and a personal relationship with Christ. So if it continues to go in the same direction it is going, I just think a Christian Counselor would be a GREAT step. And finding a church home will be HUGE for her and your whole family as well.. you are right. Good Luck, you will have my prayers...

As much as we want to protect our kids from failing, sometimes that is exactly what it is going to take to make them wake up.

Looking back I wish we had let our daughter fail. We had the same problem, once she hit junior high she discovered boys and it was all over from there. We eventually had her in total lock-down: no phone, no activities,no computer. The only thing that resulted from that was we were ALL grounded and miserable. When entered high school, it became even worse. Finally when she turned 18 she ended up dropping out of school and leaving home. She now lives in Florida and wants nothing to do with us (her Dad,Me,Brother,and little sister). Instead she has opted to become close with her bio-mother (who had NOTHING to do with raising her, not even child support)and HER family.
I would seek out a family counselor.

D.
SAHM mom of three(19,18,and 5).
Home baker,candy maker,and crafter. Married to the same wonderful man 12 for almost years.

I agree with Tracey, counseling for your daughter sounds appropriate. It sounds like she is having a hard time. You mentioned she is being picked on, could that be part of the problem? She could be acting out because she is depressed or having a hard time socially at school. Try giving her some positive rewards and see if that helps. It's important that she knows you just want what is best for her and that you are both on the same team. I agree you have to make it clear you expect good grades and that school is important. Instead of doing her homework in her room maybe it would be better for you to do it together to make sure it gets done, for awhile. Good luck and I hope things get easier for you both soon.

Two things that I have seen work miracles in a childs life, first, get her into a good youth program at church. The peers that she is running with are apparently not the influence you want her to have. It is not too late for this so please do not think so.

Second, put her in the car and take her to three areas of town from the very poorest to the very riches with a mid area in between. Ask her where her life is headed. Explain to her that she is getting ready to run out of a free education and that if she does not make the most of what is offered free, then she will not be able to get into a good college if any at all. If she keeps on the path that she is currently on, she will end up with no salvation and no life worth living for. Being in the richest part of town does not get you happiness, being well educated and having salvation will get her most anything she works for.

This is such a tough age. I teach 5th and 6th graders at our church and I know how hard it is for them but they can learn that good values will help them succeed. Sometimes it takes someone other than Mom and Dad to teach them this.

Our son and daughter-in-law went through the same ting with their son. Finally they had a long talk session and he broke down and told them what was wrong. Things are better now. If you have a good school counslor, have them visit with her. Are you in church with her, if so, talk to her youth leader. Do not give up. This is a hard time for teen agers.

Have you tried contacting your local Juvi? Sometimes they can schedule a visit so she can see what it is like to live there and the kind of girls she will be living with. Explain to her that if the school gets involved they could send her to a judge who will order her there and you will not be able to help her once that happens. Also have you checked online for a school for troubled teens have talked to kids who have gone to boys ranch near amarillo and they said it was a big turning point in their life. My daughter threatened to run away at about 14 and I called the law and the officer explained to her that if she tried they would pick her up and she would go to juvi and when she was released she would not be allowed to come back home she would be placed in a group home till she was 18 then out on the street. I told her I would rather she be in juvi where I knew she was safe then get a call they found her in a ditch. She tested my threat and tried and that is when I called the law. You need to explain to the officer you are trying to show her what could happen but do not want to risk loosing your child you may even go to the local police and talk to the chief and see if he can help in any way to scare her. I know there are alot of boarding schools for trouble teens that work with income. Better to have her there and know then on the street and not know. It may be tough on you to send your daughter away but not as tough as burying her and you have to think of it that way and put it to her that way. i sat mine down and told her this is a bad behavior and this is what will happen for it. I am not doing this to you. If you choose to not do your homework then you are also choosing not to talk to your friends for 2 weeks and so forth. So when she says you are ruining her life you can point out that you did not do it she made that choice because she knew if she did not do homework what would happen. You just have to follow through and not give in. If it is prom, field trip, competition for drill team what ever and do not cave to the teachers either. You are the parent and these are the rules. If she clearly understands that her actions will have a set reaction and you follow through she will learn but she will test you to no end. Let her know that if she WANTS to go to private school she has to show you now that she is mature enough and ready to be there on her own and one mess up and it is out. Make sure she understands the financial burden for her to go there and you are not willing to pay for her to change her mind or mess up and you lose that money. Is dad in the home? If so get him on board and band together you have to operate as one. If he is not in the home get him to band with you and enforce same rules at his house. GOOD LUCK. There is no right way to raise a child all you can do is try to raise them right.

the answer is called military school. It will give her structure.

S.,

My heart breaks for you. As a mom to a dauther, I remember those turbulent teenage years. Fast forward 10 years. My daughter is now happily married and is a mom to two little boys. Where I once thought I would have to drown her (jk!), we are now very close. Your job right now is NOT to be her friend. Your job is to help her grow into a responsible adult. You can be her friend when she's grown and moved out of your house.

It sounds like your daughter is really crying out for help. I agree with the other posters who have recommended counseling and church involvement. If you live in the DFW Metroplex, I know that Grand Prairie has a counseling group called Children First. If you're not currently involved in a church, I think you would want to be careful at how you approach this. If she thinks she's "being punished" by having to attend church, she may well turn away from God.

One technique we have used in my family is writing letters. Sometimes, you are too emotional to verbalize what you want to say. And the listener is too emotional to hear what you want them to hear. Ask your daughter to write you a letter, letting you know what's going on with her. Know that whatever she writes to you is now open for discussion. You should also write your letter to her. Tell her in your letter why you are so upset/disappointed/scared. Make your letter truthful and factual - not accusatory. This will be something that she will probably read over and over as she contemplates her behaviors.

I really do strongly recommend though that you do seek counseling for your family. Her behavior is affecting all members, and as such, all members should be involved in the correction of the situation.

PS I did take my daughter's door off the hinges. She didn't think I would! I told her that until she earned her privacy, she had none. That was probably our best attention-getter.