Seperation Anxiety - Edmond,OK

Oh,
I feel for you! I'll pray for you too.
I dont have any great advice but keep dropping hime off. Are there other activites you could do at the church where you would have to drop him off? Like a women's Bible study with childcare or??
Maybe you could find a mommy's day out program or a MOPS groups? www.mops.org Any kind of mommy group with childcare so you can drop hime off more often as practice and he can see that yes mommy will come get him in two hours? Are you friends with your neighbors? You could try dropping him off that way too.
My daughter went through a whole year got better then a couple more months of not wanting to stay in childcare at church. I just kept dropping her off. She's 5 now and "used" to it. When she was 3.5 our MIL gave us this trick for winter time. It worked for a little while. We went and got a cute pair of gloves and I gave one to trinity and would tell her that mommy's keeping the other glove and that when mommy comes back to get her we'll have a pair! Yay! Your son may be too young to grasp it but it may be worth a try.
Also for when he's a bit older a book about seprartion thats good is The Kissing Hands(i think thats the title) about a mommy and son raccoon.
Good Luck!!!
pammy

Hi K. Mom,
I remember getting my tonsils removed at age 6 and waiting for M&D to come get me the next day. I actually thought over the possibility they may not return. I stared at that doorway not blinking until my eyes hurt. Needless to say, they arrived but I was sadly aware of being the only one left, the last to go. I asked what took so long to which they replied what's the hurry. I remember a pudgy little boy being admitted at the same time who screamed frantically, and probably didn't stop until the ether was administered.

It sounds like you are handling it correctly K.. Babies realize that there's only mom and/or dad, and when they can't see you, that means you've gone away. And most don't yet understand the concept of time, so do not know if or when you'll come back. You've disappeared, and your child will do whatever he can to prevent it. I think 4 mos. has been a good stretch but that is once a week. He has to be reminded all over again when this 'day of doom' approaches.

You mention he hasn't stayed with anyone before. Try, during the week, leaving him with people who are familiar, like his grandmother, or an aunt. He may still protest, but he might adjust more easily to your absence when surrounded by well-known faces on a more frequent steady basis. Fifteen min. periods up to one hour, without having the added stress of being with someone unfamiliar. If your child has never been cared for by anyone but you, is naturally shy, or has other stresses, it may be worse than it is for other kids.

Trust your instincts. If your child refuses to go to a certain babysitter or daycare center, shows other signs of tensions, such as trouble sleeping or loss of appetite, then there could be a problem with the child care situation. If your child can't be comforted using simple measures, it's time to re-evaluate.

Also think over your goodbye pattern. Do you sneak out when he isn't looking? Do you make it seem like you're going off to war? Do you slowly back away waving and crying until he's out of sight? A simple "see you later, alligator" followed by a quick hug and a kiss can do wonders for an anxious child. Your actions show him that leaving isn't a big deal, and that you'll be back soon. Just remember, it's only temporary.

I think he will do fine.
Sincerely with best of luck,
F.

I too am a SAHM of a 22 month old son, so we're already on very common ground. I don't let anyone, except my sister in law and MIL keep my son. He doesn't tolerate big groups or new people very well. Actually, he is very outgoing and loves to be the center of attention, but cannot be forced, he has to ease into any situation. My husband and I are both very much the same, so he comes by it naturally.

I don't know if I am the best person for advice because I've taken an odd approach with separation anxiety and will probably receive major flack for this, but too bad! For us, I think most the anxiety comes because my son still breastfeeds and co-sleeps. We practice an attached parenting philosophy and do not believe in crying it out or any similar practice. We approach everything from a standpoint of compassion.

I realize that all children go through this and have to be helped through it, or they will never adjust to being away from mom and dad. There's a definite difference between coddling and listening to what your child needs. My child is very independent and can play by himself quite well, but also doesn't like to be left in those situations, so we don't do it. My take on it, is that it is scarring to leave them in these situations when it scares them that much and when they are still so little, it's a huge matter of trust. If they are that traumatized by it, don't do it.

We had a very similar problem with church and the nursery. So, when we make it church, our son goes into church with us, we take things to occupy him and sit near an exit so we can get up if we need to. It's not easy, but it's what best for our child. We've found playgroups/meet ups, activities that allow him and I to both interact as opposed to leaving him and that has helped a lot. We avoid the trauma and still get the fellowship and social outings.

I have opted for flexibility and adjustment to new things and new ways to worship and interact versus forcing my son to fit into a structure that doesn't work. Some kids take more time than others, so the best thing I can say is get creative. See if one of you can be in there intermittently or try a service at a different time of day, or take him into the service.

These are the rough years of toddler, I wish you the best with getting through it, know there are others going through it too!

I have a bit of a different response than the others. The same thing happened to me with my son when he was about 15 months old at a gym daycare. At the time I was the only parent whose child hated the daycare there and screamed all the time. All the other kids LOVED it there. I finally decided after a month that it wasn't worth getting him so upset and quit the gym. 3 years later I have 5 FRIENDS who have pulled their kids from the same daycare because of abusive practices (putting toddlers in time outs strapped down in chairs for >45 mins. for crying). The same lady is the caregiver that had my son. I wish I had listened to my mother's instincts and pulled him immediately despite everyone else telling me how wonderful this lady is. To this day, he is nearly 5 years-old and refuses to go to any kind of church daycare or other childcare-type place. I don't force him, but have always taken him to church with me. Sometimes I've had to bring books/snacks to help him sit quietly. Sometimes I've had to go to the "cry room" or outside to give him a quick break to settle down. He's learned now to sit and listen and I haven't had to stress over the thought of him crying hysterically or wonder what they might be doing when no parents are around. Just some thoughts...

My oldest daughter was like that. I felt terrible for her (and the people who were the teachers). I ended up just staying in there with her. It was a inconvenient at the time because I had been so excited to finally get to listen to my Sunday school lesson for the first time in 18 months. After three weeks of being in there, they ended up calling me to be on of the Nursery Teachers. After 6 months, she loved it. I was so worried about how she would react my first Sunday not being her teacher anymore and she didn't care. I think she just needed extra time and reassurance, and also just needed to learn the new routine.
It may be inconvenient right now, but I think both you and he will be happier if you just try staying in there the whole time for a month (or maybe he needs two) and then slowly cut back your time. Start by leaving for 5 minutes a couple of times throughout the class. He'll notice you are gone, but that you come back everytime. Then after two weeks of doing that, if he doesn't seem to care when you aren't there as much, extend the time gone to 10 minutes. Hopefully after that he will be fine.
Having you be there might also help the class dynamic too. Since if one child is upset, all the other kids pick up on it and it usually starts a chain reaction. Good luck! I hope he adjusts soon to his class for you.