Secrets -- What to Do??

Consider offering amnesty this time.
You rattled off all of the things he's afraid of you doing IF he tells.
I wouldn't tell you either! Lol

Most likely it's absolutely nothing.

Unlike some, I think kids can have some secrets.
You'll need to explain the difference between good and bad secrets.

Sounded like you handled it *almost* the same as I would, the one main difference is that I tell all my kids that if they tell the truth they DO NOT get in trouble! *You might have scared him by saying all the punishment part? I think I would have also added that once he told he would feel SO much better!

If I were you, since it is making him cry, I would let him know that he WON'T be in trouble if he tells you why he is upset and what is going on!

Brow beating it out of him is not going to help, nor is taking this girl away from him.

Next time she is over, have a sit down with both of them. Explain that secrets are okay when they aren't hurting someone, but when the secret hurts someone (like it does your son) then secrets are no longer okay. Kids have secrets, adults have secrets, as adults though we have the ability to handle them appropriately this is something they are still learning.

Be proud of your guy for holding onto his promise. That takes some courage on his part, especially with mom harping at him (which I do understand).

If it's their secret, talk to them as a team. You may get more info that way.

An interesting thing about boys (I have 7 & 4 year olds) that I have read is that the best way to get them talking is to stop pestering them and engage them in an activity they enjoy. Maybe play basketball with him, or take him to ice cream, or take a walk to the park. But you get them comfortable, don't push or even broach the subject you are dying to talk about, and that is when boys will talk. They need to warm up and feel comfortable and then, hopefully will spill the beans. They are not like girls who spew forth with the slightest provocation and find talking therapeutic.

Maybe try that? And let us know the secret! I have a 7-yr old and my curiosity is piqued! :)

I've been in your shoes - and it's important to stay calm.

You know what it ended up being at our house? Nothing.
Or rather, nothing from an adult perspective.

This started while they were on the trampoline and you were cutting grass, if I understand what you've written. This means they were already feeling guilty before you went inside and took your shower. Do you have trampoline rules? Might they simply have broken some trampoline rule?

So, yes, I agree that you need to do your best to find out - and as gentle a manner as you can, in case it's NOT something innocuous. Right now, the tactics it sounds like you are using are probably scaring him. If he thinks he's done wrong, this is making it bigger and scarier (call her parents, ground him, etc.). So let him know he needs to tell you and that YOU are uncomfortable leaving them alone together if they are keeping sad or scary secrets. Try to be as casual as possible. Keep in mind that kids have NO perspective, and this might be about....nothing.

Good luck,
e

I'm sorry ~ I'm sure this is very stressful for you. I know it would be for me!
I would just keep talking to him. Remind him that he can tell you anything. That you are his safe place.

I guess I don't see what he could have possibly done that he would have to own up to and take responsibility for. I would tell him he would not be in trouble and how much better he will feel once he tells you.

This just reminds me...when my mom was 10 she got her period without ever having the talk. She thought she was dying. Luckily she told a friend and her friend told her mom who called my grandmother.

My daughter came home more than once when she was in 3 rd grade crying because she got a bad grade...the grades were in the low 90's.😊 Kids perspectives are not always indicative of reality or the truth.

I'll just bet that it's nothing compared to what you are afraid it is. You need to stop making such a big deal out of it. Supervise, yes. Make the girl a pariah, no.

I think you handled it well until the end, you ended by punishing him. She is his friend, he was already upset, now you are changing his friendship, calling her parents etc.

Kids perceive things different than we do, for all you know they broke the trampoline or broke a simple rule about playing on it. That would cause a 7 year old to get upset.

What I always tell my children is that there is nothing they can do to make me stop loving them. That it may not be as bad as they think. That I need to know what happens, cause I'm mommy and have to protect them. Stuff like that depending on why they are upset.

Then I leave them alone until they are ready to talk. Sometimes its right then others it may take up to a day or two. I don't pressure them, they need time to process things. They come when they are comfortable talking about it. Don't rush it. Don't make too much of it until you know there is a reason to.

Sounds like he is either very embarrassed, or very scared. Or both. You have to find out, mom. The biggest things come into my head, are:
1. They were doing something physically inappropriate. Which is usually instigated by the older child. He is embarrassed and confused. He doesn't want to get in trouble, doesn't want you to know, doesn't want her parents to know.
2. She experienced something scary at home, or somewhere else and confided in him. He is scared and doesn't fully understand what to do with her confession.

It could be something totally different. Either way, he has to tell you. Just make him understand he is not ALLOWED to keep a secret like this. Ever. If he doesn't fess up, you will take him over to her house, sit down with her and her parents...and they will have to come clean in front of all the parents. Then, you will all sit together and discuss the consequences as a GROUP. That might scare him into telling you.

He needs to know, that secret or not, if it is something INAPPROPRIATE, he needs to tell you. You are his Mom, and he shouldn't be crying about something, just for a secret.
And if it is something dangerous etc., he needs to tell you.

You need to make sure that you understand... that he can CONFIDE in you. That is it NOT about punishments if he tells you a "secret" that the girl told him. It is about... coming to you, with problems... and that he can trust you.
For anything, anytime.

A child, cannot always handle, keeping things bottled up, much less keeping secrets. And you NEED TO TELL HIM.... that, he CAN come to you, with things that are bothering him or upsetting him... that others put onto him.

He is only concerned about getting in trouble, with you.
That should not be the point.
The point is: he needs to understand that he CAN TELL YOU, things. To confide in you, too. His Mom.
Because, as he gets older... there will LOTS of instances, that he will have seen/heard/done something, that may trouble him. And he WILL NEED TO HAVE, a parent, that he can come to... to "vent" to about it, or just to get their take on it. You, as a sounding board. For his friend or school problems or "secrets" or whatever.

My Dad, was the person I could confide in with ANYTHING.
My Mom was not. Because she was only concerned about if we were bad or good. And she was punitive. So I never would tell her, anything.
I couldn't trust her, to be "understanding" or nurturing.
But my Dad, was.

My late Dad, used to say that, IF a child has No parent that they can confide in or come to with "problems" and they cannot vent to any of their parents or talk about things... then WHERE and with whom, will they do that with? And the answer is: with other people outside the home. Non parents. And at other places.
So decide, what do you want your son, to do, and learn, from you?
And per any "secrets" or problems, he may have????
Kids need us, to be a point of reference and a point of help.
Too.
Not just a point of getting punished.

Do you want him to come to YOU with problems?
Or to go to his friends or whoever?
Even with just secrets, that he cannot... handle?

Also, his 9 year old female friend, is now a "Tween." A Pre-Teen. Tweens are from 9-12 years old. A 7 and 9 year old, are vastly different developmentally and cognitively and emotionally and physically.
So think about that.

I have a 6 year old and 10 year old.

I agree with InMy30'SAlready?! , you want to be able to keep communication open, and if he feels he will be in trouble, he won't tell you. I believe in the "if you tell mom, you won't be in trouble" too. This way kids tell, and then you have the opportunity to talk about whats happening and give direction and guidance. Otherwise, they close up and communication gets shut off, and they just get grounded...they feel ashamed, angry or resentful; then they shut you out when you try to talk about the problem... that's a lose, lose :(
also, once he knows he won't be in trouble, give him time to confess, let him come to you when he's ready. Remember, he is also trying to keep his promise to his friend, and that's a lot of pressure too. Good luck mama :)

I agree with mommy2many. I think she gave good advice. Remember, at age 9 puberty is beginning. The little girl is a big step ahead all of the sudden, which is okay! I wouldn't chastise your son, but I would remind him that you are there for him and that you know a lot. Sometimes other kids think they know but have it wrong. You would like to help him get the right information so he doesn't have to worry. Let him know he is still a little boy and it's okay to let mom help

You have to keep talking to him, Maybe you could say something reassuring to him like "Baby I want to help out with whatever is going on but cant unless you tell me" .
. the way hes acting doesn't sound good, keep talking to him stay calm as frustrating as it can get. Maybe you can have him write it out and hand you a paper. He might feel more comfortable that way. Good Luck and Don't give up till you find out what is going on.

Your situation isn't what is normally going to happen. Most of the time she will be leading him into playing those kinds of games you really don't want him exposed to.

Kids need a parent supervising them at all times. You can't let this happen any more. Have them play in the living room while you're in the kitchen making dinner and can see them all the time, and hear them too.

They're getting to that age where kids are starting to discover their parts and feel sexual urges. They are going to go "there" in the not too distant future if you don't change your supervision of them. They may be innocent this summer but she's 9, she could start her period in the next 2-3 years. She's a different age group now developmentally. They need to develop new friends their own ages and play only with direct supervision.

It could be anything. But it's most likely that they were doing something inappropriate...like exploring each other's bodies. That type of thing is usually the only type of thing that makes kids jump, and then look guilty/shifty eyed. Or course, you don't actually know what really happened, but if you do find out it was something sexual, you've got to nip that in the bud before it escalates over time....supervise their play.