School Help - Kenmore,WA

Rosebud (I think that's her name below?) said it best. My son was very "low" and frustrated in first grade, as many boys are. But by second grade he shot way up, easily reading two to three grades above grade level.
Keep reading TO him, keep praising his effort (not grades or intelligence at this point) you'll know within the next year or two if there are any real problems or issues with his development. First grade is WAY too soon to determine a learning disability, unless there are MANY clear signs that something is amiss, and right now he sounds completely normal :)

Try comic books. Or Pokemon. Anything that is fun to read. Kind of like that movie with Goldie Hawn named Overboard where she teaches the kid to read with comic books. It will make him feel good about himself.

I terms of reading -- I think you should read to him, and with him, but don't have him read to you right now. You just sit or lie next to him, with the book where you both can see it, and read to him, a lot, so he will have a positive association with reading.

I don't think you should push having him read to you right now.

And ALWAYS praise effort, NEVER intelligence with this kind of kid. Don't say, "you are smart so you can do X," instead, any time you notice him work hard at something say, "wow, you really worked hard at reading that" or "You really worked h*** o* that project." And don't make a big deal of grades right now.

He's still young, you can turn this around.

In my opinion the more of a big deal you make of it at home the more ingrained that you think he is a failure will be during the school hours. You need to find out what is at the root of the behaviors and work on that, not flash cards and making him read. You said if his behaviors were better he would be above grade level. You are just reinforcing this by "punishing" him at home by making him do extra work.

I think he needs someone to talk to, maybe an adult friend, maybe hubby, maybe a school counselor can observe him in class and then be able to let you know their observations as to what might be triggering his actions.

I know that math was my biggy. I would get punished during home work time if I made a mistake. To this day if I am presented with an algebra problem I will start crying and the thought loops going around in my head are so very negative that I almost feel suicidal. I don't mean normal punishment, I mean beating me with a belt buckle until my legs were bleeding. So I know what it's like to have thought loops going on in my head when it's home work time.

He may need a break from home work too. He may need to do stuff for a few weeks that he has mastered and start to feel really good about himself. Then after Christmas Break he can start again with the stuff up to level and then really work on REWARDING him for good days, for reading a page with no mistakes, for doing a simple word that is spelled correctly. Rewards tell him he is smart and that he is succeeding, not that he is a failure over and over.

I imaging you are constantly telling him he is doing well, he may need a behavior plan where everyone is on the same page, using the same phrases for praise, giving the same rewards for the same actions. Like if he sits for 1/2 of circle time, he gets X reward, maybe 15 minutes of free choice play in the room during a time when they can do separate activities.

Our boy is on a behavior plan and if he has even one star left at the end of the day he can use it to choose whatever activity center he wants, it's usually the computer where he plays games that are educational. He gets rewarded at home, each star kept gets him a better reward. They are pretty much the same as school but special time with one of us is one he really likes, another he likes is playing games on my Android phone. He can play games he has downloaded from the market during this time. He has about 14 pages of apps he has downloaded and he plays them all. He's all about the reward and it is really helping him to remember to keep his stars at school.

My daughter was the same way in First Grade. When she didn't understand something right away she would "quit" and then her solution was to goof around in class. That landed her in the principal's office a lot!

It took a lot to figure out her issues in school. She's a visual learner and NOT good with reading about something and picturing it in her head. Straight reading without pictures baffled her. Much of it had to do with a very small vocabulary and the fact that she missed a lot of concepts early on.

Not that this is your solution, but we ended up taking her out of public school and homeschooling her. We originally did it over the summer to help her catch up after first grade and never put her back in.

She needs one-on-one because she just doesn't learn like other kids. She needs lots of pictures and she CAN read, she just doesn't like to. It's a long process--she can read the words but defining them is a big process. Once we get all the words defined she understands things perfectly.

The way she handles things as far as quitting hasn't gone away totally, but with us pushing her to keep trying she is able to keep going. We just have lots of talks about not quitting.

She has a similar reaction still (at age 10) when she can't do something right away. She doesn't have a lot of patience (like her father) and she frustrates easily. For us homeschooling was the solution, we can stop and do something else or I can push her through if need be. We handle her frustration a lot, and we are making progress.

Good luck!

Rosebud is right about reading to him. Do it every night. Read stuff to him that he likes - go to the library with him and get HIM to pick out books for YOU to read to him at night time. Don't put the pressure on him to read to you. If he looks at a book like he's "reading" it, just go ahead and drop it in the pile to check-out, making it like it's "no big deal". Make night time reading a priority, quiet, in your lap, or if he's too big, sitting beside each other. Be excited about the reading, but read slowly. Make sure he is looking at the book with you.

Here's another idea. Say there's a movie from a book that he wants to watch. Tell him that in order to watch the movie, you two have to read the book together first. A lot of moms do that with the Harry Potter movies. By the time you get to the point that you are reading the book, his reading will be much better. You won't be putting too much pressure on him, but he will know that the reading has to come before the movie, and that's a lot of incentive.

I also would pay attention to what ReverendRuby said. Perhaps there is a disability that is causing this. If he has dyslexia, that is a real problem and he will need expert help. There is a different type of testing for this, and you should look into that.

Good luck!
Dawn

Because his problems are more behavior than academic, flash cards and tutoring will not help right now. I would really think about pulling him from first grade, and seeing a counselor. Tell him you are sorry you made a mistake when you let him be one of the youngest in the class and you made a mistake in letting him be in a class that was the wrong fit for him. In other words he is being pulled from first grade (for K or home schooling) not because of him but because you and the school made mistakes. And You want to start over so he can enjoy school more, now before he grows up. How hard to be a little boy who has to work hard all day in school and then come home and work a lot more! Figure out what kind of learner he is, visual, auditory, kinesthetic etc and read everything you can on teaching to HIS strengths. Read How not to talk to children and make sure you are only praising effort not success for ALL of your kids. Good luck

Hi S.,
You've already received wonderful responses...I was compelled to respond too as I had this exact situation only it was my oldest. It's heartbreaking as a mom to watch your child struggle especially when you know they're bright. For my son maturity was the reason. We struggled through Kindi and 1st grade and that was enough. Thinking of the many years we had ahead of us, we made the choice to hold him back in 1st grade (it was a 1st/2nd split so it was an easy transition). Now he is in the 2nd grade and is the "king of his class" and is exactly where he needs to be. School is so much more then just academics. While maturity will come, it's hard to know at what age it will arrive....here's hoping things get easier for you. Happy Holidays.

I also teach elementary school (as a sub for 10 yrs, same school) and one thing we use regularly that works is a behavior plan.

Each teacher during the day will sign off with a smiley face, star, something and at the end of the day, points are tallied and the child is working toward a reward. Some have option of a treasure chest that day, others work toward a goal of lunch with a favorite teacher, etc.

A summer program that is FUN but part of the school program would help as well. Our school has a program compelelt optional and although our daughter didn't "need" the extra instruction, she did summer school (only a month) yearly and loved it. Classes were smaller, they got more computer time, more teacher time, and made friends from other schools.

Also, you labeled him as "strong willed". Our 16 yr old daughter has been strong willed from day 1. I would not suggest squashing that trait... it is actually a great personality trait, it just has to be properly directed. I am so glad to see my daughter take ownership and take off with a project vs her sit back waiting on someone else to come up with ideas, etc.

Someone else said on this thread that your some may respond better to another adult. TRUE. And this has NOTHING to do with your ability as a parent. During our tough yrs with tween and early teen, I could say the sky is blue and my daughter would not agree with me. Sometimes they need someone other than mom/dad involved. For us, we got a tutor and daughter loved her. We didn't "need" a tutor for specific areas, per say but she did focus on writing. We are SO glad we did that because so much of 11th grade is writing, essay, and when daughter has that option.... she nails the grade because she is a good writer.

Find something he is good at, encourage it and let him know that you are proud of him no matter what.

The other advice is great. All I wanted to add was that now is the time (yes, already) to look ahead to next summer. Keep in your mind already that he may need some form of fun (and I emphasize fun) and age-appropriate instruction or camp or whatever form it takes over next summer. If he ends first grade already behind, he will start second grade at a disadvantage. Once the holidays are past and the new year is well under way, go ahead and talk to his teacher and the school counselor (for maturity and behavior issues) about possible programs for him over next summer. By the end of the school year, you and the teacher will know exactly where he stands and what form of summer enrichment would best help him keep up his first grade skills and get a little head start on second grade skills. I am not talking here about summer school (unless the teacher and school system recommend that--in which case, do it), but about tutoring, or kids' reading programs (local colleges and universities often have summer programs to help elementary kids with reading, check them out), etc. Some moms will protest "But he needs summer off!" and so forth, but these kinds of programs are not full-on school, and if they are done right they should be fun and encouraging and not last all summer long. But I have seen them help a LOT when done right. You likely are thinking "I'll just work with him at home instead," but a stubborn and strong-willed child -- your terms for him -- may do much better working with adults who are not his parents, and having him tutored or taught or in camp with other adults lets you separate your role as parent from the role of teacher. Just something to think about now so you are ahead of the game -- and some of these programs do fill up quickly once their registrations open (which is often as early as January for programs in the summer). It's up to you, I just know that such things have really helped kids I've seen and my own daughter.

He may have a learning disability. Dyslexia comes in many forms. I would have him tested for a learning disability.

My son who is in second grade had a lot of trouble in first grade. He was way behind in reading and didn't want to read. His older brother and sister are fantastic readers. I think he struggled with mental issues rather than educational ones. He didn't think he could read, because he wasn't as good as his siblings. He didn't think he was ever going to learn. We had a confrontation every time he needed to do his reading homework. I understand what you are going through.

I did a few things that helped a little bit. I showed himhow much he had improved by counting how many sight words he knew and comparing to hhow many he used to know. I gave him incentives to read and to do it without complaining. I told him about a book my older sons teacher read to him about being a late bloomer. (I probably should have actually found the book and read it to him). All of these things helped a little bit. They got him moving in the right direction. But what truly turned my son from a reluctant reader into one who wants to read was the reading specialist at hhis school. After a few days in the reading club, he started reading on his own without me having to fight him. I don't know exactly what she did, but I think being with other kids at his level without having to compare himself to kids who read better than he did really helped. Now he is one of the most enthusiastic readers in his class.

I hope you are able to find a way to help your son get past his own roadblocks to learning. Good luck.

Your mom is right. He will come out of his shell in time. In the mean time you can encourage him, practice with him and talk to him about it. Practice with him in short 15 minute segments. A little bit goes a long way. Encourage him that everyone learns differently and that he's working very hard and you're proud of him. The other kids are working hard and so is he. Praise his work each time. "Good job for working so h*** o* your reading" etc. Two of my children struggled in school and two found it easy. Consistent praise really helped but it took time. Even if his attitude keeps him down, he'll get better and catch up when he's older. My kids both did. Good luck!

It sounds like maybe he just wasn't ready emotionally for first grade. You mentioned that he was one of the younger in his class. I have a 14 year old with an October birthday, so he is one of the oldest in his class even though I tried to push him ahead. He was very ready scholastically and emotionally but the school districts wouldn't let him start early. Now I am so glad. He loves being one of the oldest and it helps him scholastically and in sports that he has those extra months. Two of his friends who have summer birthdays and started "on time" say that they regret not waiting a year, and another of his friends with a summer birthday did wait a year with great success. I have a 5 year old also with a summer birthday. He is reading and would have probably done fine in Kindergarten, but we chose to delay his start as well. Something to think about.... Good luck!

I would think about maybe putting him back in kindergarten. He sounds like me may just need an extra year.

I know how you feel. I have a third grader who acts like that about math. She is bright, but thinks she isn't, just because answers don't fly into her head. She gets frustrated if she has to work at anything and assumes she isn't "good at it". She is this way with everything. If she tries skating and doesn't understand why she can't move like her brother (who practices for an hour each day by himself until he gets it), she gives up. The only thing I can say is to try to make learning as fun as possible, but don't let him give up. Make him stick with something until he can see some progress. Make him re-read a sentence until it flows well. Have him dictate funny stories to you and you write it down and he has to read it back to you. Play "I Spy" with letters and words around the house or as you are driving. Set a timer when you read so he knows when he can stop and celebrate with a play time session with him.

I feel your pain!!! At some point you realize that you can't change someone's personality and you have to let some of it go. At least I can make it as fun as possible and try to encourage learning.

My family has a lot of educators in it. They all seem to feel that readiness is key, and that sometime kids need an extra year - as a result, many of us kids/grandkids started school as late as feasible. In some cases it really wasn't necessary, but in some it seemed to help a lot. My younger cousin sounds a lot like your son, and he really thrived after repeating second grade. This made him one of the oldest instead of one of the youngest in his class.

It is something to consider, if you can swing it with your school. Even, at this point, putting him in a different kindergarten program to come back to first grade next year may be worthy of consideration.

Another idea is to look for a program that is slightly less structured. Some programs offer combined classes (like a combined k-1) which could suit him really well. A program that allowed for more physical learning and less desk learning possibly could also help. If you have a montessori program available it fits those criteria.

Good luck!

maybe seeing about a tutor to help him learn the things in class but a different way. ask yourself if he is a visual learner. if he needs help in math use beans, buttons etc to help him visualize. you can even do the jump start computer soft wear (my 4 year old does it) you can get the kindergarden one and the first grade one. they are games that teach. you can also try the work books. you can get them at walmart. my daughter did the preschool one so i let her start the first grade one. i give her a few pages to do a day.
just hang in there he will catch up he seems frustrated. try your best to break it down and see where he starts to get held up. good luck!