Saying It to Be Mean???

it's great that you are aware and working with her on being sensitive.
it can be taken way too far and make kids too worried and self-conscious about expressing themselves at all.
i'd work with her on the same 3 simple things that are great for folks of any age to keep in mind.
'is it true? is it helpful? is it kind?'
khairete
S.

You need to stop thinking she's just being opinionated and speaking her mind and start teaching her to be more thoughtful and kind in her comments. Kids much younger know that you don't stay stuff like that. Sit down with her and tell her exactly what she's saying that's not good to say and let her know that if it continues she's going to a) have not many friends because she hurts their feelings or b) have mean friends because they can be mean together.

Children learn these things because their parents take the time to explain and set correct examples. Be the parent that explains.

She's on the borderline between "still young and doesn't realize what she's saying" and totally understanding what she's doing. It's a delicate place to be, and you are right to recognize this and see that you need to work on this--now.

By about age 10, there are kids who are definitely becoming the "alpha girls and boys" and kids who become the scapegoats and kids who don't care either way and kids who aren't in any "category"...and so forth. So what she's doing, at nine, is worrying; she may be heading into alpha territory. She may not be fully conscious that she's acting controlling, but that is indeed what she is doing with this one friend. She didn't have to mention the other sleepover at all (the one to which friend wasn't invited) but did so -- and the "it wasn't great, it was for third graders" comment doesn't really change the fact that she was alerting her friend to the fact that "I was there and you weren't invited." The situation with "others are coming who don't like you but I will protect you" is even more controlling -- she's simultaneously belittling this friend and then offering her protection. It's alpha territory: You're not as cool as the rest of us but I am your source of protection so stick with me. She may not be doing it intentionally --she's not sitting there consciously thinking "I'm going to keep Friend sticking to me by telling her others don't like her..." -- but she's doing it nevertheless.

You can do a few things. Consider talking to the school counselor (just you, without your daughter there) and asking for ways to help her learn more empathy about these social situations. Ask for some specific scripted things to discuss with her. Also talk to the children's librarian at your local library; the librarians should be able to direct you to some good books for her age that will help. The American Girl books, which are good for age 9, cover a lot about how kids interact; you might need to look through them to find the ones that will interest and speak to her best.

For yourself, read the book "Queen Bees and Wannabes" which talks about older kids but is very appropriate at this point, so you can see what the signs are if you think your daughter is having some "queen bee" moments. It will really help you see what this behavior can look like later and give you ideas on how to work with her now.

Is this mostly focused around this one particular friend or does she say hurtful things to other kids? Might be worth a talk with her teacher too, to see what goes on at school that might not be worth "reporting" to you but might shed light on whether she does this there as well. Good luck. You are very wise to work with her on these skills and that's going to help her.

Has your daughter always been this sort of child?
I assume she is extremely bright and likes rules and structure and likes to be the one to remind others?

Our daughter had a classmate like this 1st grade through high school.
She does not understand subtle. Still doesn't. Extremely intelligent but has a bit of Asberger as well as some other things.. Is this a possibility with your child?

You can work and role play with your daughter. But be prepared for her to fight you on "I am just telling the truth, I am right, I am not hurting her feeling because she still likes me and she knows I am right"

There is a really good book that I suggest you look for, it is called "How Rude" the teenagers guide to good manners, proper behavior, and not grossing people out" do not be concerned about the "teenage part" by 4th grade most kids start dealing with these situations, especially extremely bright children.

I also encourage you to reach out to the parents of this friend and let them know you are aware and you are working with your daughter. It will go a long way with them, to know you are not ignoring or in the dark about your daughters behavior.

This can be normal, but it can also be a sign of not having a natural understanding or ability of subtle behaviors in ones self or others.

I'm so thankful I don't have girls! Unfortunately, boys do this too.

Words are powerful. They can establish dominance and power. Does she do this with other people? If not, then she's trying to establish her power over her friend.

We ask our boys when they are doing or saying something that isn't right or nice...."would you like that to be said to you?" if the answer is NO. Then they know they shouldn't be saying it.

She DOES realize what's she's saying. She's nine years old. She knows the power of words. What you believe is opinionated and speaking her mind? Others will see as a "bully" and will stop being her friend. Start teaching your daughter the rules apply to her as well. She's not above them.

I am surprised that some say she's too young to understand that her words could hurt feelings. My girls understood that from 4 or 5 years on.

At nine she is plenty old enough to know you do not speak about parties to people who were not invited. Talk to her about that, it's not polite for any age.

I would spend some time "showing" what it feels like to be on the receiving end of mean comments. Role play with her or play the "how would you feel game". I'm sure she's had her own feeling hurt before, talk about when she was hurt by other people's words.

Lastly I would take a hard look at what's going on in your daughter's life that might be causing her to want to emotionally dominate this other girl. Sometimes a child is scared or feels bad about something and tries to make themselves feel better at another child's expense. Address what's going on in her life and she will be more likely to nurture instead of hurt.

Hm. I think she probably does know she is hurting her friend's feelings. She is old enough to know that. She is probably bragging. Keep talking to her about how she thinks that make the other person feel...how she would feel if she were not invited. Read to her the book Have You Filled a Bucket Today?.

I think that she is saying these things to see how her friend will respond to hearing them. Not that you did anything wrong, but I think that your singling her friend out as "sensitive" might have triggered a desire in her to see just what that looks like. I don't think that she wants to be "mean".

To dial it back, maybe you can over-generalize in some of these lessons...maybe say something that could potentially hurt her feelings but then remind her that you wouldn't do that because you care about her feelings. I don't think that I'd focus on this girl anymore; I think that I would emphasize how you want her to be generally and let her connect those dots. Maybe if you witness something, you can ask her to point out what might have been kind and what might have been unkind. Since there is no black and white, teach her to think it through on her own.

My concern is always that if I put so much emphasis on "being careful what you say", then they end up not speaking up for themselves nearly enough. I don't want my kid to hold his tongue at any cost and force himself and his needs and opinions always into a corner. This is why I'm all about teaching children how to think things through rather than giving them a script. It is a fine line, especially at this age when she is figuring this stuff out with other newly-hormonal girls.

I had a little trouble following your post, I admit. Regardless, here's what I would do. I would tell your daughter that you have decided that she cannot go to the sleepover because she is not trying to be kind to her friends. She will either know you're right (even though she will pretend that you aren't), or she will start actually trying in order to not lose privileges in the future.

IF you REALLY want her to learn the lesson, you have to parse out consequences when she acts badly. If you want to keep her from being known as the mean girl, you will do this. Even if it upsets her. Even if it embarrasses her. Even if it causes her to "lose face". It's an investment in her future. Do it.

This could be a matter of a 9 yr old vocabuary vs an adult vocabuary . When she said the girls at the sleep over don't like you I won't let them be mean to you she could have meant 'I'm here to protect you'. It's a matter of phrasing. Encourage her to watch TV programs and read books with wording showing how to express herself in a more kind and thoughtful way.