What Are Your Thoughts? - Mount Laurel,NJ

Kids are sometimes cruel. I don't think kindergarteners really understand the impact of their actions. Hopefully the teacher caught that little girl and redirected her attention so that your daughter's feelings stop getting hurt.
When my oldest was in kindergarten, there would be some days where he wasn't friends with some children, and the next day they were best friends again. LOL I remember that as well growing up.
Maybe take your daughter somewhere fun, somewhere special so that she can have a good time with you and it will take her mind off the party. Bless her little heart.

How many kids would have to be invited for this to be 100% reciprocal for all of the birthday girl's friends? It's a sleep-over. Could *you* do that for all of the girls in your daughter's K?

My sons *always* want to invite everyone in their classes to *everything*. My husband and I can neither handle or afford that. For my oldest, that would mean a sleep-over for 16 boys, ages 6-7! YIKES!

My middle son already *verbally* invited 16 pre-schoolers to *his* birthday party this summer! And all I can think is - what am I gonna do????? I'll probably roll with it, keep it simple, and hope half of them will be on summer vacation. But still....that's a LOT of kids.

The other little girl is 6, right? She's excited. When my kids are excited they cannot keep their mouths shut, even if they should. I almost always know what I am getting for my birthday, Mother's Day, and Christmas a few days beforehand - they just can't help it yet.

If you like the other little girl, just tell your daughter that her friend probably couldn't invite everyone and that's okay - that it doesn't mean she can't have fun with her another time.

None of us want our kids to be left out - ever. But the thing is, this probably isn't about your daughter at all. If it's not a consistent pattern of leaving your daughter out, if the little girl is usually nice to your daughter, reassure her that her friend is still her friend and sometimes this is the way things go.

Now, if it is *ALWAYS* your daughter who's left out, it's a different matter and time to teach her when to "move along" and focus on people who make time for her.

Best of luck to you!
e

ETA after reading responses, I wanted to share this:
I wasn't asked to be in "my best friend's" wedding party. I lived 2000 miles away, was dirt poor, and was a bit flaky at the time. She did invite me, but didn't think I could come - though I did. Turned out, she had a ton of bride's maids and yes, my feelings were hurt.

But you know what? It was *her* wedding - it was *not* about me, and so, I was not a jerk about it. She considered me a close friend, but not her "best", and it's not like she meant to hurt me. I didn't put her on the spot, nor did I think she was low class. Making some other person's special day about you (or your kid) - that's, to my eyes, not classy.

It's been 20+ years, and I'm still close with that friend. If I'd decided to make *her* event about me and my feelings, I'd have lost out on that. And to be clear, she is a good friend who is there for me and never expects squat in return. She simply didn't include me once when I really cared about it.

So...I think your response should be guided by whether or not this little girl is nice to your little girl. Either way - it's good for to learn that honoring our feelings does not mean being offended and trying to make others feel awkward because they didn't do what *we* wanted.

That's sad, but it happens.
She was probably given the chance to invite a few friends and she picked the few she wanted, your daughter was not one of them.
Basically explaining to your daughter that things happen like this from time to time is the only thing you can do.
Surely you have a story you can tell her about a disappointment in your life when you were about her age, that is usually the best way to cure things... letting her know that mommy has been there done that and survived to tell about it :)
ETA: Take daughter out to Baskin Robbins for some ice cream cake and have your own little party.... that should cheer her up!

You can't do tit for tat for birthday parties. It's ridiculous to think that because your child invited someone to her party, that person is obligated to invite your daughter to their party. It just doesn't work like that.

The other child is not trying to hurt your daughter by singing about her party; she's just excited and is not old enough or mature enough to realize that she's hurting her friend's feelings.

It's not hard to explain. You just say, everyone gets to invite who they want to their party, and some kids get to invite a lot, and some only a few. My kids were hearing this from me when they were still in preschool. I never believed in keeping tabs. When one of my kids was having a party I said you can invite X number, who do you want to invite? not oh, you have to invite everyone whose party you have already attended. If they didn't want to invite a "good" friend I might have asked them why (out of curiosity) but I wouldn't "make" them invite that person.
And it may seem rude for a kid to go around singing about her own party but she's a CHILD not an adult, her manners are still in the making. Besides, sometimes even grown women act like that :(

The other child might have only been allowed to invite just a couple people (added to whatever amount of family that will be attending) and yes your daughter wasn't invited. I think at age 5 the other child was just being happy without thinking about hurting someone's feelings.

As far as where to put your energy right now I'd say to explain simply that sometimes not everyone gets invited places. Don't judge the other family and don't overly comfort your child since in the grand scheme of things this is nothing.

Here's what to do:
"Weeellllll, so you didnt get invited to THIS party THIS time and do you KNOW what that means? It means we didnt have to spend money on a present for Jane so why don't you and me go give ourselves a treat!?"
And don't make a big, gooey deal about your daughter not making it to this party, if you don't make it a big deal she wont tend to feel sorry for herself or slighted.

Maybe this child wanted to invite your DD, but there just isn't enough space to invite everyone.
Catherine called it "low class" - so maybe we are low class, but we just do not have the space to accommodate 20 or even 10 children for birthday parties in our home and we do not have the financial means to have birthday parties for the entire class at a venue. My daughter's birthday is in late October so it's not like we could do it outside at a park for cheap.
If not being rich equals "low class" and I guess so be it.

But just because we cannot afford to invite everyone does that mean that my child can not have a birthday party at all? I don't think so. In our case we allow for DD to invite a handful of friends for her birthday, she gets to choose whomever she wants. Yes, it means that not everyone she may play with is invited. Sorry!
However I have talked to many of the "well off" moms that invite the entire class to a party at a venue and they always insist we attend, even though their kids weren't invited to our party.

There were some parties in my DD's class that she wasn't invited to as well and all I tell her is to remember when she has her own birthday that we cannot invite everyone and that may be the same for this party. It's ok if we don't get invited to EVERY single party.
Good luck.

I think it's so low-class when people have birthday parties and invite some of the kids (or boys, or girls) in the class, but not all of them. It would be one thing if the "party" consists of inviting 2 friends over for swimming and a sleep-over, or whatever, but when it's a big enough deal that all the kids are talking about it, and one isn't invited - just tacky. Especially if the one who isn't invited has had play dates and sleep-overs with the birthday child! TACKY.

I agree with Ally G - your daughter should ask the little girl when the mom is there. If you want to completely shame them, have your daughter buy the little girl a gift and give it to her friend with the mom standing there. Then she can bask in the glow of her own tackiness. And you'll have taught your child a nice lesson in turning the other cheek. :)

Well life isn't fair is it? I know that sounds harsh but in reality that is exactly the way it is. Sometimes people don't do the right thing and others get their feelings hurt. I would say that this child may not view your daughter as her "best friend'. Just explain to your daughter that sometimes people don't think and hurt other people's feelings. Don't make it a big deal and it won't be a big deal to your daughter.

Kids at this age don't always understand they should not announce they are having a party and who is coming. The mother may have told her you can only have certain amount of friends over and she chose the other ones. It's hard when you don't invite everyone. I am having a hard time right now trying to figure out when to send out my son's invitations. He does not want to invite all the kids in class so I want them to go out as late as possible but still early enough for them to be able to make plans for it. Try not to take it to personally!

Unfortunately this is something that happens with kids. I have had it happen with both boys and it irks me like it irks you because I have had the children to their parties. I always go out of my way to make sure there is not an excluded child even if it means inviting all of the boys or class when most of the class are wanted but not all. I would never leave just a couple kids out. Unfortunately there are a lot of people who are not as concerned about children's feelings or doing the right thing. Which is fine and we all do have to learn rejection. However great effort should be made on the part of the parent to make sure that the birthday child does not let the invited kids know it is their birthday.
Another thing is that obviously this child does not view yours as BF. I would try to disengage her with this girl and look for another for her. WIth summer that should be easier.

Well they are only in kindergarten. So they have no concept of keeping their mouths shut and being discreet about parties. Honestly 2 girls going to a sleepover doesn't sound like a huge rager to me. It's a playdate plus one. And it happens to be for the occasion of a birthday. Or is it? That part could have been lost in kindergarten translation who knows (unless you know it's for sure the kids birthday).

Even if it is a b-day celebration, it sounds like a small one. Just tell your daughter that all girls like to have play dates with a variety of friends and sometimes its your turn, sometimes it isn't. Doesn't sound like she's missing a big party.

I would not be so bold as to call and try to "sweetly" get my child invited to the party... acting confused like your invite got lost in the mail. That's very awkward... If anything I would call the mom to tell her her daughter was advertising the little get-together a bit too much at school and it became confusing to your child like she was missing out on something- that you understand completely but thought she would like to know in case she wants to address that with her daughter. Even that phone call is a little presumptious ("Might I suggest you train your daughter on social etiquette?") but if you are good friends it might go over ok.

My daughter is in Preschool, her party is tomorrow- we invited the girls in class but not the boys. Even though I keep telling her not to discuss it at school (the boys came last year and I don't want their feelings to be hurt if they) she keeps coming home with more info about who's coming, who can't and why, etc etc. I can't stop her from talking about it! But we're trying to teach that lesson. I think they don't really learn it til they are on the excluding end of it and see how cruddy it feels :(

It's already too late, but if it weren't the weekend yet, I would talk to the teacher and ask her to explain to this child that singing about her party in front of children who aren't invited is very rude.

It is important to teach children this. Kids who don't learn it sometimes grow up to be adults who do it. One woman kept crowing about her son who was graduating from elementary school, to anyone who was unlucky enough to have to listen, how many celebration parties he was going to. She knew darn well that they weren't invited. Really crappy of her. Many eyes were opened that day about her, I'll say.

Lastly, something to teach your daughter is that you invite people who are NICE to you to your party, and not because they are popular. I have a feeling this little girl is "popular" and isn't nearly as much as a friend to your daughter as you thought she was. It's a hard lesson to learn, that your "best friend" isn't her best friend at all.

Dawn

That is a tough lesson to learn in kindergarten, but several important life lessons - party invitations are not reciprocal, sometimes you don't have the friend you think you do, and sometimes little girls don't understand the impact their words have on others...

Consider this: we have twin boys and have always had "invite everyone" parties, but now that they're both in kindergarten (different classrooms) that means 50 invites! Since we can't count on nice weather, we have to book a place (most of which cost $8-12 per child). Do we keep doing this every year, do we wait to see who invites them to their parties and only invite those kids, do we invite the kids whose parents we know and like, or do we let them choose who to invite?

As for the little girl singing about her party, I have a hard time picturing the most polite kindergartener in the world not being excited about his/her birthday. Yes, it sucks for your daughter but I suggest you give her a hug, remind her how special she is, and show her how to be gracious even when it hurts.

Not everyone is invited to all the parties all of the time. This shouldn't be a big deal. Please don't teach your daughter that it is. Please don't call the other mom and make her feel crappy about it. Sure, the other kids shouldn't have been talking about the party in front of others, but we can't control others...only how we react. Lots of families can't/don't want to invite the whole class to birthday parties.

How do you know that what you're saying is true? How do you know other kids were invited and your child was not?

Call the other Mom. "Hey ____, this is J., ____'s Mom. I heard that ____ was having a birthday party and my daughter didn't get her invitation. Was she meant to get one? Just wanted to make sure we didn't miss out, since ___ was at my daughter's birthday party and had tons of fun."

This accomplishes a lot. You get answers straight from the source. You get to make her feel like a jerk if she really didn't intend to invite you. And your daughter probably gets to go after all.

ETA: They are in Kindergarten, and having a sleepover party?! I must have missed that the first time. 5 & 6-year-olds are TOO young for sleep-overs, in my opinion. And usually at slumber parties, only a couple of girls can go, so probably it was your daughter's friend's choice on who got to go, and she didn't choose your daughter.

Well, do you know for a fact that the birthday party is happening? Do you know for a fact that the 2 girls were invited & not your DD?

My point is, we are talking about Kindergarteners - kids who have no concept of time, selective memories, that forget, exaggerate, have active imaginations, you get what I'm trying to say.

DD has come home with a scribbled invitation from her friend at school, and DD thinks it's a real invitation, even though the kid already had their birthday 2 months ago. She has told me that her post menopausal teacher has a 4 year old son. You really have to take what they say with a grain of salt, IMO.

And, if this is true, what can we really do, but teach our kids that the world doesn't revolve around them (in the nicest way as possible, of course). Unfortunately, disappointment is a part of life and we need to take these opportunities as teaching moments for our kids, as hard as it is to see them hurt. No one owes us anything, and we should never expect people to do what we want them to do.

As far these kids talking about the party, they are 5 & 6, I highly doubt they are trying to hurt anyone's feelings. Kids just don't have the ability to be discreet and that aware at that age.

Kids can be cruel!

That sucks. I don't think you're saying every child who you invited has to reciprocate but this is a close friend. I would do what some suggested and take your daughter for something special and/or see if there's another uninvited friend you could have over and then I tend to be honest and say "hmmm. I'm really surprised too. Maybe "Mary" isn't such a good friend or maybe her mother made her invite certain people like cousins and there's just not enough room." And I tend to throw in things like "not all moms are as good as I am about having lots of kids over... So I don't know what happened but it wasn't very nice and I'm sorry." And then I would not invite this girl over but if the mom calls for a playdate, say "sure, let's pick a date. And how was Mary's bday party? DD said she was singing about it in class." See what she says...

Kindergarteners are so fickle. Honestly explain to her that this is who she invited and that she can not control the guest list, maybe the other girl wants/needs a break from your daughter if they do play dates often. I know my son and his best friend (5 yo boys) can not spend too much time with each other or they get sick of each other and fight - could that be an issue? In addition, you can not control other people's children, is her singing in poor taste? Yes, but does she know any better? Probably not.

That's not a question for you to answer because in truth, you really don't know the reason why she wasn't invited. Soooooo....have your daughter ask the little girl when she is with her mother. Put them on the spot, not you.

If you are having phone calls for playdates, I would imagine your daughter would be on the party list.. Are you SURE it was her Bday? My daughter is 4 and in preschool, lately she comes home SWEARING it's so and so's Bday and wants to go, because they are having the party at Disney, or Chucky Cheese, or Birthday World, etc..... and ALL the girls are going, so she MUST go too! I try to tell her, "so and so" JUST had a Bday 4 months ago, I know, because we went to the party! But she doesn't believe me, she just believes what she is told at school, she doesn't have the concept of what a whole year means. Anyway, point is, are you sure it was her Bday? Oh, and BTW, sometimes my daughter is invited to these "parties" and then she's univited, then invited again, HA!

Ouch, that hurts. I'm so sorry for your daughter feeling excluded. It is going to be part of the growing process throughout school, but it still hurts.

Do you know what kind of party it is? Is it something where they may be limited on how many kids can be invited to attend? Could it be that they could only have a few kids attend (like it they were taking them someplace for dinner or to an event where they purchased tickets, etc)? Some of the party places in our area price parties at 8 kids, some 12 kids, and some are up to 25 kids. Last year I invited my daughter's entire preschool class, but then I had to cut back on inviting any other friends because of capacity constraints with inviting her entire class. There may be a reason why she wasn't invited, and it may have little to do with how the girl feels about your daugther and more to do with other constraints.

Are you sure she wasn't invited? Maybe a lost invite? This is what happens in school with parties. But just because you invited her child doesn't mean there's a rule that says she has to invite yours. I would mention to the teacher though how your daughter feels and ask her to remind the child not to "brag" about her party when others weren't invited. I remind my own children not to talk about their parties since with triplets in 3 different classes we just can't invite everyone from 3 classes and I don't want children to be hurt and feel left out so I do ask my kids not to discuss their party at all at school.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

What did the other mom say when you asked her about the party? She may be wondering why she hasn't had an RSVP from you. If she let the daughter pick her "friends" to invite and didn't choose your daughter then mom missed a golden opportunity for a lesson on manners and taught how to be mean to a friend and hurt then deep inside.

She must be heartbroken-I'm really sorry she is going through this-back in the good old days, everyone was invited-good and bad-and I think that was best. Make sure you take the high road and don't stoop to their level-no matter how tempting.

Wow! I can't believe some of the rude responses here. Sorry, but I can't afford to invite everyone in my son's class to a birthday party so he gets to choose who he wants to invite and we mail out invitations or do an Evite.

Second, they are in Kindergarten and as a few others have said they are always talking about things that somehow get lost in translation along the way. You never know what happened, maybe your daughter lost the invite. My son got invited to two parties and the invite didn't come home until a few days before the party so we couldn't go.

I think you should just let it be. Unfortunately this isn't the last time something like this will happen. Is it hard to explain, sure, but there's not much you can do.