Sassy 9 Year Old

My daughter is 10 and the second she starts getting sassy she goes to her room. She then will also have extra chores and the loss of her ds or tv for the night. I can tell you she very rarely sasses and more. She has learned the old saying if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all. After of few times of this I bet she will be more cautious of her words. Good luck. Stop it now before it gets to be habit for her.

We are going through that with our DS right now--I've heard it's the age!

After dealing with a recent episode of sassiness (he get sent to his room--no playing, no tv/computer/video games are kept in there), I had a talk with DS about why that sassiness/rudeness is wrong. I also explained the potential consequences of doing that to a teacher or (in the future--at an older age) a police officer or boss. Then we came up with a new plan: if I (or his dad) heard him talking that way, we would simply say "mouth check." That did not mean he would get to check and decide if he felt he was being sassy/rude/etc. It meant he had to "check his mouth"--in other words, stop talking that way (either words or tone) because he was crossing the line. If he tried to keep going, I would not let him finish but would say it again. If he still continued, he would receive a consequence. We make a deal: I would do my best to say "mouth check" when it happened (instead of getting angry/yelling/etc.) and he would do his best to stop as soon as I said it. We even shook on it--which seemed to help him take it more seriously. It seems to be helping. In fact, the other night when I started to get on him about his tone, he reminded me that I was supposed to say "mouth check"--and when I did (after thanking him for the reminder), he immediately stopped. My goal is that he will start to catch himself talking that way and then stopping on his own, but for now this seems to be helping us.

Good luck to you--and hang in there, knowing you are not alone in this! :)

When my kids went through this I used this time as a teaching tool. I taught them how to better use their words. Whenever they spoke like this I would simply tell them in a firm voice, "You need to rephrase that". Of course I had to explain what rephrase meant (say it differently) and would, each time, explain how they way they had spoken to me affected me such as how if made me defensive and offended then gave them examples of other ways in which they could have said the same thing without it coming across the way in did. I talked to them and told them that there are better ways of communicating to other people without making them mad or upset and that they needed to learn how to do this. After awhile, I no longer had to give the examples, I simply had to ask them to "rephrase that" and they would because I had taught them how to think of better ways to say things and still make themselves known.

If my kids wouldn't change their tone or words, then I would send them to their room to think about how they'd said things and how it caused me to react and if that was really what they were wanting? I made it clear that how they communicate to others affects them and that it is up to them to speak in such a way that others could understand them without getting upset, hurt feelings, or defensive and that in doing this, they will go much further in life. Both my kids are now great communicators and are able to tell me what they are feeling and/or what they need without being offensive, whining, etc. Good luck to ya hun!

You did get some good advice but I would caution that some of this may not work. My daughter started this around the age of 7. She won;t dare call me names but she acts this way toward her brother and sister, will yell at them and at me. She will boss around as though she is the one in charge. Honestly, if I told her she could jut stay home with her journals and books, she would not care. Fine with her. Spanking could be an option but if there is something going on it is NOT going to help. My daughter just started counseling. She will meet with the counselor hersolf for the first time tonight. Hopefully she will come to realize how her actions and words impact others and how we can deal with it to prevent it from happening. Find out how she is at school. My daughter gets compliments at school all the time. I am told how helpful she is etc. My child? Really? Big difference between school/church and home. One ting to look at (I have done this lately and with busy lives there is a big gap) how much attn does she get--just herself. It can be very difficult to separate the kids into individuals and listen to just what they are saying. I have caught myself telling my d "yeah, that's nice" but not really catching what she was saying. We are working on changing our interaction with all of our kids. One thing that has helped is when she gets out of hand or I really have to get somehting done before she can have my attn is i put up my hand and she has to go to her room or sit down for 5 minutes. Then she comes back to see if it is okay to talk. This way she knows I am busy and I can make sure to set time to listen.

Revocation of privileges, extra chores, writing lines, being made to do nice things for elderly neighbors, etc (with your supervision)..doing volunteer work. Giving up of their time, since they are wasting yours with the sassy back talking. Discussing with them if they like to be talked to that way...ask them if there are teachers, older kids on the bus, other adults in their life who don't value their opinion, or let them speak those opinions...if so, then they know what it is like to be talked to in a way they do not like. It has to start somehwere to make change.

I am honestly disturbed by all the replies that support corporal punishment....spanking, washing mouths out with soap, vinegar, soy sause.....really? What does this teach them? That you are bigger and can bully them?

I was raised in an era where some of this stuff occured.....very very rarely. Respect was taught. Step back..have a plan so you are not just lashing out and reacting.

B.,
I am not sure what you mean by natural consequences. In my home, (I have an almost 12 year old boy and am a single Mom) all it would take now would be a firm "Excuse Me?" and he would know that is not an acceptable way to speak to me. But you need to teach your child what is acceptable and respectful behavior and what is not. No one else is going to teach your child this for you. I demand a certain level of respect and if my Son crosses that line, he knows it or learns that he did very quickly. Think about how you want your child to speak to you, then tell her your expectations and what the consequences will be if she doesn't follow that guideline. Do this when she is not being sassy so it is clearly laid out while you both have a clear head and its not fueled by anger and hurt. And then follow through on the consequences you laid out.

I actually posed your question to my Son as a hypothetical situation and asked what would happen if he did that to me. He looked at me incredulously and said, "You would slap my mouth." Now, I have only slapped his mouth 2 times in all of his 12 years, but he knows that kind of talk would be trouble. What I have done a couple of times when there has been a language problem (for example swearing, lying) is wash his mouth out with soap. That stops that behavior, and quickly.

You are the Mom and only you can demand what level of respect you want from your children. Nip this in the bud as quickly as possible, or soon all three kids will be calling Mom an idiot because they see there is no consequence and so it looks like it is an ok thing to do.
V.

I have my son write sentences. Something along the lines of, "I will not sass back." If he does it again, the sentences get a little longer..."I will not sass back because it is rude and disrespectful." If it still continues, he has been known to write a report. He has to find a dictionary, write down definitions of words like "respect", "backtalk" etc. Then he has to write a report on why he should be respectful. This usually takes care of any situation. By the way, no TV, no video games, no playing with toys or anything until the sentences are complete. He has to sit at the kitchen table so there are no distractions. Then when it is all done, I make him shred it. He can see how much time he just "wasted" when he could have been doing something that he deems more valuable with his time. Good luck to you.

How about a simple "try again" ?

Have her change her language to something more polite. If she doesn't know what to say, give her a suggestion.

My 9.5 year old daughter is very similar to yours. I would think the only exception would be the name calling and eye rolling (she knows that will get her a slap on the cheek). I really don't have any concrete advice here, but I will tell you we have turned to the "harder hand" of dicipline, as the occasional spanking (bare bottom, one swat with mom's open hand) seems to be the only thing that gets through to her. I honeslty think a lot of it is hormonal issues and we're getting a glimpse of what the years ahead have in store for us.

A good old fashioned washing of the mouth with soap works wonders.

My husband and I are very strict about no talking back so we use vinegar or soy sauce on their tongue if they talk back. It is a cooking ingredient so is not harmful to the child and it also tastes awful. Our children know if they sass mom or dad or an adult they get a taste of one of these two. It works wonderful. Our children hardly ever sass and know the consequence when they do talk back!

You could tell her she is too smart and pretty to say such ugly things and be willing for others to witness it, especially family who love her so much.

Just tell her you know she can do better and that she needs to go to her room. If you are out in public, let her know that each time she does this, she is just making herself look bad.

Tell her since she cannot respect others feelings, she will need to stay home in her room and enjoy her own company with just her journal and books.

Such a common stage; kids are really integrating everything they've seen modeled by parents, popular media, their friends, teachers…. Now's the time you'll see yourself and your culture reflected in your children's attitudes. What a shock it can be.

I hope you'll consider reading a wonderful parenting-workshop-in-a-book called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. You can read part of this really practical guide to communicating with your kids here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081....