Ready for #2? How Do You Know?

I got pregnant with my second unexpectedly when my first son was 6 months old. I would have said I wasn't ready for another, but since at that point It had happened anyway, I concluded it was best to get it all over with so that they could be doing things together, and when they are old enough, I can start getting my own life and interests back in order. I don't wish it any differently now. They are both under 2, and it isn't easy; but not as hard as I expected. If you think your marriage is strong enough to endure another baby now, then go for it. But if you think it may not be, then I would focus on that first and when you are confident about it, then go for number 2. I do sense, however, that you prefer to wait. You didn't mention what your husband has said about it. If he has a strong opinion, then go with that. If it was difficult when he was employed, he may become resentful now when it could be harder. Essentially it has to be discussed and decided between both of you. 36 still is not that old to wait another year or 2.

I.,
I have goose bumps while reading your inquiry... I'm in a very similar situation: married for 5.5 years, turning 33 in 2 months, baby boy (7 months old today), both working full time, considering #2... At the moment my Mom is taking care of our son but she is going back to Europe in 6 weeks and I'll have to face leaving my baby with a stranger (still looking by the way). My husband wants another child (or 2) very bad. At first, I wanted to have only one (thinking about the cost of college in this country... I'm from Europe) but now seeing my baby, I know that it would be wonderful to have another child. My husband is also very busy trying to figure out a way for us to be able to afford another child (plus he'd like me to stay at home - unfortunately, I don't see that happening) and I feel like he's missing out on "the little things" in our life NOW. We do not really have a "relationship" like we used to have...
I do not want to tell you what to do so I'll just say what I think: I do realize that my "biological clock is ticking" but would not want to end up being a single Mom. I feel like having a good marriage and as stable as possible life is very important (especially for the kids) so I'll try to get to that point before we'll start trying again. I think that if you were ready, you wouldn't have to post your request because you would have known that. My advice is: wait a bit longer (maybe until your husband finds a job and feels that he'd be able to support a bigger family). There are some people that think: "it'll be ok, everything will turn out right" but I'm a type of person who does not get a lot of luck in life so I have to think ahead.
I wish you all the luck with your family!!! Please send me a message if you'd like to talk :))
Mama Magda

I.,

Think of when your parents had kids - or translated: Anything can happen, good or bad.

Child planning is just one of those things that you have to look at what your FAMILY plan is, and not financial (at least low numbers of kids, if you're going for 9-10, disregard everything I'm about to say).

God will provide. You may not have EVERYTHING you want to give your child, but you will have food, shelter, family, clothes, the things that count. Go easy on buying toys new, go easy on buying clothes new. Few toys, and more time together when you are home.

Financial is such a small part of it - but made huge when people have overhanging debt. If you don't have the debt, and don't have spending problems, and can handle your husband being child care technician, then you very likely can handle another baby at this point, and just wait for him to hook up with a job.

As ever, an opinion.
Family is family.
M.

i just gave birth to #2 8 weeks ago and have a 2 1/2 year old. my husband became unemployed 6 weeks prior to my birth. so stressful but i would have gotten preg anyway. did not want an only child an i know the finances would get figured out. also, i am 41 and no problems getting pregnant at all.
but yes, things now with 2 are very hectic but i have faith it will settle down.

A lot of what you experienced is normal. When you have a child, both your role, and your husband's, is re-defined, and it takes some time to work that out. It's not abnormal to fight and have resentment after a baby is born. Having said that, I just had baby #2 and I can tell you it's all a lot easier. More work with 2 kids, but we didn't struggle through a long adjustment period this time. You've done it once, you're already a mom, and your role doesn't change much. Remember too, there is no "right" time. I didn't feel "ready" but we tried for #2 because of my age and fertility issues, also spacing between kids. Guess what? You have 9 months to get "ready!" Good luck in your decision. Maybe think of it this way--which would you regret more--having a baby nine months from now, or not having the baby?

Hi I.. I feel the same way you do. I'm going to be 35 tomorrow. My son is just over 2 years. Before he was born I thought I wanted two close in age, but the reality after he was born was that is was much harder than I ever imagined. The delivery was hard, labor then a c-section, depression from being SHOCKED, he was colicy and it was all just so scary and difficult. The sleep deprivation, everything. I feel like every other mom's life was just so much easier and smoother than mine and their relationships with there husband were perfect meanwhile I HATED my husband - mind you we have been together on and off since I was 18 - married for 4 years at the time of my sons birth. It was Hard on me, h*** o* my relationship, h*** o* life. My baby wasn't easy either. I love him more than anything in world and wouldn't change any of it but I thought for sure he'd be an only child - but I haven't given up the thought of a second and as time goes on, I feel like things are getting easier in the sense that I know how to handle it better, I am more confident and my husband and I are just becoming more experienced. We love eachother and event though we still have difficult times, we realize its because of lifes stresses. Not to mention that I just felt like my son needed me 100%, I totally babied him, so how could I give love to another baby or have time for another baby without depriving my son. It broke my hear to think I couldn't be there for my son in the same ways. I started to think, well maybe when he's older and more independent and understand more about having a sibling...so now I'm thinking, maybe when my son is 3 or 4 years old another baby will work. We are thinking MAYBE of trying at the end of the summer...to give my son more time to grow independent, to give me more time to get my body strong again and to give us the freedom and relaxtion to enjoy the summer. We'll revist it again at the end of the summer.We have some personal difficulties with jobs/money to overcome too but there will always be something, right? My husband and I do want another but we worry about how hard its going to be so we've just decided to not put pressure on ourselves and see how things go. 35/36 isn't old these days, so I try not to put that pressure on me and not every women has to get pregnant again right away which seems to be the trend these days, so I've stopped thinking about that. How old is your son? My friends who have more than one have told me, you never are really ready but its so worth it and so much different (easier in some ways) with a second. So you sound like me - not 100% sure but its not out of the question either, so just give yourself some time and the answers will come. Maybe now isn't a good time but in the future it will be. I do think you and your husband need to agree though - and even though you might be scared or uncertain you need to just be honest with yourselves and be a team. Work on your relationship - thats most important now and once that works you'll probably want a baby again. The relationship part is SO hard! I also think your husband should work on finding a job and getting a bit settled in that too - less stress. oh yeah and I went back to work full time when my son was 10 weeks old.. SOOOO HARD. But I'll be working full time if we have another too - this is life. One comforting thought is if/when we do have another child at least he will have his older brother close by in any childcare setting. My son goes 3 days a week and the other days he's home with dad and the grandparents. My job is close to home and not stressful so maybe if you decide to have a second you might want to make a job change too. Lots to consider, but the fact you are even asking means its not out of the question, so just tread lightly and the answers will come.

I jut had my second child ,a girl this past April. My son will be four in two weeks. Personally, I waited until my son was over three to start trying for another one because I wanted them a few years apart. I also did not think I would get pregnant right away, but after three months of trying it happened. I am happy that my kids are a few years apart. My son does his own things and is in preschool, so he is busy and I have my alone time with my daughter, which I enjoy. I am also turning 37 next week, so I wanted to have another one before I got closer to 40. Age is not much a difference, the doctors make it out to be. Go with what u think is right, it is your decision with your husband to decide on. It's ok to wait a little bit longer if you want and work on your marriage at the same time. It is a personal decision and do what u think is right for your family, this is my advice.

The thing you have to remember and all new parents should keep in mind is that they are only infants for a short time. You had a rough time when your son was tiny and that seems to have worked out ok. As other moms have said, there is no perfect time to have a baby, but if you wait too long the age gap will be a barrier to their playing together.

Wait until you are both ready and feeling absolutely good about having baby #2. Things will only get more stressful when you have #2 if you both aren't in good, healthy places, both individually and in your relationship. You are only 36, you could easily and safely wait another year, two, or even three. Don't let the time factor pressure you if you are not absolutely sure that having another baby is the best thing for all of you right now. It seems hard to know, but it's easier than you think--just go by how you feel. If you feel unsure (which you totally sound like from your e-mail), then don't do it. If you feel good about it and not stressed (and are being honest with yourself), then do it. Hope this helps.
C.

I.,

It sounds as though you truly do want to have another child, but I don't think that the time for it is right now.

You said that you and your husband's relationship has improved a lot recently, which is a wonderful thing for your whole family,and if it continues, it will be a good thing for the new baby as well, when you do have one.

However, a man being out of work is a very stressful situation for him. Until he finds work, I would try to spend more time with him, and let him know that you believe in his ability to take care of you and the child that you already have. Getting pregnant right now would just add to the amount of stress that he's no doubt feeling because of being unemployed, and would just make him feel more inadequate. Be supportive of his efforts and make sure that he knows that you consider him to be a very important part of your life, whether he's employed or not.

Once your husband does find employment, I would give him time to get settled and comfortable in his new position, and then, when you feel that things are pretty much back to normal as far as your finances are concerned, that would be the time to bring up the fact that would like to have another child with him.

Your husband needs all your love and support right now, and putting a new baby into the mix, even if it hasn't been born yet, and you are still carrying it, would take a lot of you away from him, as well as adding to his stress level as far as his being able to support his family.

Just give it a little time, and wait until he doesn't feel so overwhelmed by his responsibilities to bring up the subject. I think that would probably be best for your relationship with your husband, and for your entire family!

I.,

I had my second baby a year ago, when my older child was 2 1/2 years old. I would have waited longer to try for #2, but I was 36 when my first was born and didn't want to assume that I would be able to get pregnant easily. We waited until my daughter was almost 2 to start trying because 2 1/2 years seemed like the minimum amount of space I could manage between two kids. My son was born when my daughter was 2 years, 6 months... and I was 2 weeks shy of my 39th birthday. Even though my daughter was very verbal and generally well-behaved, it was still very challenging after my son was born. He had acid reflux, which wasn't diagnosed until he was two months, and took much longer to sleep through the night than my daughter did. Things are much easier now, but having #2 was hard just by virtue of having to attend to the needs of both children at the same time.

I agree with the other posters that say that you may never really feel like you're ready, but I have to disagree with those who say that now might be as good a time as any for you to try for #2. I'm sure your husband is very stressed out about having lost his job, and that is completely appropriate. Trying for another baby would potentially be financially and emotionally difficult for him and you as a family. He may not have control over when he gets another job, but this is something that you do have some control over. You are only 35, and if you didn't have trouble conceiving your first child, you will likely be able to conceive again. You may not want to wait until you're 40 (!), but things could be very different in your lives in 6 or 12 months. Take some time to nurture your marriage now, while you can, and let things stabilize before you bring a big stressor like a pregnancy and another baby into your life.

I can appreciate what you are going through, because my husband lost his job when I was about 5 months pregnant with my second child. We were very lucky that he found another job (that didn't require us to move) within a few months. I know the loss of his job caused him a great deal of stress, since he already felt pressure being the primary breadwinner and with the uncertainty about my returning to work after the second baby was born. Had he not found a job before the baby was born, I would have had to return to work VERY soon after the baby was born. Unless you have income from family or other non-work sources, I'd say wait until your husband finds a job (and works there for a few months, to make sure it's stable employment) to start for #2. You don't want your husband to resent you and/or your second baby, or be forced to take a job in another city, or for your marriage to be in jeopardy, because you got pregnant while he was still unemployed. Once his is working again and less stressed about supporting his family, you will both be better able to enjoy the anticipation of a sibling for your son. Good luck.

Take care,
A.

Hi I.,
I think if we truly waited until we were completely ready in every way, no one would ever have children! And no matter how you plan, how you educate yourself, you can never be truly prepared for the changes that bringing a baby into your family entails.
The decision of if and when to have another child is a very personal one, and one where there isn't a single answer that fits everyone.
You didn't mention how old your son is. I was part of a family where for the most part, people had kids close together and most people that I knew having children around the same time as me were still doing that 2 year spacing. I wanted no part of it. Two babies to take care of were not for me and honestly, I couldn't have afforded the double daycare for 3 years. My daughter had turned 3 before I felt ready to for another pregnancy and my son was born the week after she turned four. Four years has been a perfect spacing for us (they turn 14 and 10 this month). Financially it's great - not having two in braces or in college at once.
When my son was an infant, it was tough. While he wasn't the cranky baby that my first was, he didn't sleep through the night til 1 1/2 years. My husband didn't work locally anymore, we had a commuter marriage so that felt very stressful. Handling one baby as a working mom was easy for me - I really had no stress when I went back to work at 8 weeks, but the second time around, going back to work at 2 1/2 months with an infant, a preschooler, a commuter marriage and a busy side business was really overwhelming.
I can't tell you if it's the time to have another baby or not, but just to suggest now that you have already been through it, to think about the things that will be stressful or challenging and how you may be able to prepare to handle them.
Good luck!

My husband and I always knew we wanted several kids... I do think, even in this day and age, most moms still do give more of the care-giving and the dads the providing... it can be stressful to have no "me-time" but try to remember your child is only little once and each day will become more andmore independant giving you moe "me-time"--- enjoy all the moments you can (I can say this after trying to finish ironing last night at 11 when my one son woke and thought it was day time--- we were up unitl 2:30 when he finally decided to sleep again... then my other son woke for the day at 5!)

Going from one to 2 was SO difficult the first 2-3 months, but then it just got easier and they play so nicely together now and learn from each other (they are 3 and 1 1/2)

The job factor I can relate- my husband lost his job recently due to the economy and at that time we found out we were going to have baby #3. Things were (and at times still are) rough, but we love each other and we love our children and we will make it work.

Disuss your feelings with your husband... if having another baby will be too stressful, perhaps it is not the time...

Good luck

As long as there are cousins & other friends for your child to play with in his life, there is nothing wrong with having an only child.