Problems with My kids...Help Please???

First of all let me say, I know how hard it is to have three young children in the house, mine are 6, 3, and 21 mo. Things can get hectic and loud and not everyone always gets along (we nicknamed my youngest "The terrorizer") But I to share what I have observed when I worked as a Private pre-school Pre-K teacher for 2 years (4-5 yr olds). I also worked in a daycare for 4 years in the toddler room (walking to potty trained) and in the pre-school room for 2 years. And I can tell you that it was agreed between myself and the other teachers that the spanked children were the worst behaved and the least happy, they were the ones typically out of control and whiney, and stubborn, and more likely to disobey a direction. Of course children who are not spanked showed these traits occasionally as well, but the ones who were spanked showed this a LOT more. I am not trying to tell you how to raise your children, I am merely sharing what I observed.

With my own 6 and 3 year old I have discovered that the times when they mis-behave the most is when they are bored or not given any direction (this happens most on rainy days when they can't be outside)so I give them chores. They can empty the dishwasher (not all of it but they do the silverware and plastic dishes) they do laundry (putting my piles in the washer, moving wet to the dryer, and putting dry in the basket, all under supervision of course) they also put their folded clothes in their drawers. I can't even tell you how much this saves me time and energy as well. They also feed and water our cat, and water my plants. There are many other things I ask them to do here and there. It keeps them occupied and they are so proud that they can do "grown-up work."

As far as the separation anxiety, I hate to say I have no advice. I had to quit my gym membership because I was called down to the daycare every 10 minutes because my daughter was screaming. I think that one day they discover that the umbilical cord is gone and they take a while getting over it! But my mantra was "This too shall pass" eventually they get over it, and they are more than happy to let you go so they can get down to the business of playing. There are two things to remember when leaving a child who is upset that will make separation anxiety pass more quickly 1. DO NOT DRAG IT OUT. Say goodbye, give a kiss, and leave. Dragging it out makes it soooooo much worse. DO NOT TRY TO SNEAK OUT. It doesn't work, at some point they realize you're gone and they still freak out but instead of seeing you leave and come back they think you just disappeared. It can be very unsettling for them. Again, say goodbye, give a kiss, and leave. Be as calm as possible because if you are anxious she will pick up on that.

As far as the 6 year old bonus daughter, A lot of 6 year olds test boundaries (I know mine does) they get sneaky, they try lying, and many other things that make you want to pull out your hair. I think just make sure you always hold them accountable, and remind her that nobody likes a liar (it's true, nobody does) and if she doesn't want to be a liar she has to tell the truth. I would also be sure not to jump the gun on issuing a punishment until you get both sides of the story first. Another thing that might help, try playing some team games, kickball and baseball are great, and put them on the same team against you and your husband or against just one of you (we love ganging up on Daddy). Perhaps if they learn to play together as a team and work together that camaraderie will cross over into other times, just a thought.

I hope every thing calms down for you a little (it never completely calms down) before the new little one arrives! Good luck and God Bless!

Hi J.!

I teach four-year-olds and have a four-and-a-half year-old myself. Actually, the Fearsome Fours are much MUCH worse than the Terrible Two's! I can assure you that the acting out is something I see on a regular basis, both at home and at school. ESPECIALLY when there is a baby on the way.

Two things that occurred to me for you to try. One is to put the choice in your son's hands. Say, "I cannot seem to help you remember not to hurt your sister. What is something YOU think will help you make better choices?" Then brainstorm together. You'd be surprised what kind of punishments they come up with. Also help him think of rewards for times when he is caught being good. Maybe work up a sticker chart to earn a day at the movies or whatever it is he chooses (within reason...my son thought 20 days of keeping the bed dry should earn him a Power Wheels car...lol). Hunter is the "little man" of the house, and it might help him to act responsibly if he is given some say in the things that happen to him. Also, sometimes when kids act out, they just want some extra attention. Maybe he would like some one-on-one time with you or dad, something he can look forward to so he feels he is special. It sounds like he needs a bit of connection right now.

Please, please, please do not take this wrong, as I am only saying it because you sound like me a few months ago. But I suggest (and only because it is what I just went through) that you start by taking care of yourself. You sound terribly stressed out (who wouldn’t be?) And if you are stressed out and ready to break yourself, your kids pick up on that and act out, and, if you are stressed and shorter tempered, you are less likely to deal in a calm way, making the situation bigger and worse than it probably is. Make sure you take some time for yourself and de-stress. Your 11 month old is just going though a stage, the more you leave her, the better she will get. Don’t worry about daycare, they are use to this type of behavior, it may take a week or so, but she will be fine. The 4 year old, it may take some creative parenting, but it is probably also a stage. The less stressed you are the better you will be at reading his actions and finding out what the root cause of the problem is and what you can do to fix it. About 6 months ago, I was ready to pull my hair out. My daughter had turned into a self centered, bossy brat, my son was an emotional, crying mess that had a melt down over everything. I started working out, changed my birthcontrole (to level out my hormones, because I was considering an anti depressant, but the Dr. suggested this as a first step) and started talking to a friend about what a mess I had become. Guess what, 2 months later my daughter is a normal 2 year old, still self centered, but nothing I can’t handle, and my son has turned back into the angel he once was. Honestly, start by taking care of you.

Let's just say you're not the only one, when I was 21 I was working on number 3 and my oldest was 3 and at 25 i'm marring into one more, it's so tough, some insit as to your oldest,because we have custody of my step duaghter but since she is the difficult child the other kids all have a tendancy to point the finger at her, and that's what she is doing since her little brother is going to get in trouble anywyas and you'll believe her because it won't surprise you if he misbehaved she is using it to her advantage, I started pullin gthe children aside seperatly in any situation where i needed more info before punishing anyone or jsut making them all sit in time out if it was a situation where i jsut couldnt get tot eh bottom of who did what, and i am a firm believer in the fact taht if a child will not defend themselves and say hey i didn't do it then they can get punished for it if someone says they did, with so many kids they ave to learn to speak up and defend themselves and be honest or we'll never get anywhere. as for the baby she'll adjust and your son really probally is jsut lashing out about the idea of having to share you more try to find a way even if it's just for an hour once a week to do something alone with each child, my step dauhgter was diagnosed with a behavioral condition and jsut that, spending alone time with her has done wonders. good luck, god bless, and remember you're not alone in this we've all been there but it's hard when you're young.

A friend of mine calls it "off your butt parenting." If you are up and redirecting a child before things get out of control, things don't get out of control. I am a firm believer that hitting to stop hitting is a fruitless battle.

ITA with another poster who said you seem stressed out & I think that's being reflected back on you through your children's actions. They are dealing with stress in an age appropriate way.

Definitely check out Dr. Sear's site. Someone else posted a link. His discipline book is excellent.

As for the "bonus child", I would have a talk with her and let her know that from here on out, she will get in trouble when she lies and if you have to wait until next time, that is ok, but she will still be disciplined! Or you can talk to the real mom and see if she'll work with you. In all honesty, it isn't worth it to listen to all the tattle tales! Kids very seldomly will tell you the whole truth and listening to one and taking their word for something isn't very smart!

As for the 4 year old, I would try time outs or a nose in the corner. If you know a spanking won't work, don't waste your time. I have a very rowdy and defiant just turned 5 year old boy and some days I could easily pull my hair out. Also, try to keep your cool.

As for the 11 month old, bear in mind that she is JUST a baby. This stage doesn't last very long in the grand scheme of things. She needs you more than the other kids do at this point in time. If you have to go somewhere, take her with you. Invest in a carrier so you can wear her in the house and she can be close to you.

Bless your heart you sure have your hands full, and are so young too! You have to find some punishment that works for your son, and stick to it. Putting my son in his room, until he settled down seemed to work, of course if they don't have all those fun things in their rooms to occupy them. Or time out! My kids we 6 years apart, and the girl the oldest, so she had the natural instinct to mother her little brother, I was lucky. The seperation thing they get over, in time, if you show them you have other responsibilities to tend to and let them cry sometimes, that in it's self isn't easy either. Their our alot of great books out their on different issues, but their's no manual on parenting, just what you beieve in and works for you.Sounds like you could use some time for yourself too, don't forget that is what keeps your stress level down, and you deserve it! Good Luck, this group and people with different advice will be very helpful to you too!

Hi J.,

Hang in there... it will get better. I am a mother of three wonderful kids. I have one son that is 4 1/2 yrs old and two daugthers (2 yrs and 10 months). We have definitely had our share of problems with our son not listening or paying attention.

You have gotten a lot of good advice from others, so I'm not going to repeat any of that. I do have a recommendation of a book. It is 'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk' by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I have applied some of these concepts on my son. The biggest thing I've gotten out of it is to listen to my son and acknowledge his feelings. This does NOT mean I agree with what he is saying. But, just letting him know that I am listening and understand his point of view has made a big difference with him. If he is angry or upset with someone (like one of his sisters), I do not make him hold back his emotions. I let him talk about them instead. And to be honest, after he talks about them he feels much better and is less likely to act out instead. These concepts also work well as children getting older because you are building a better communciation between each other.

I also bought another book by the same authors - Sibling Without Rivalry. With multiple kids this might be another good choice. The main thing I got from this is to not ever compare your kids (at least not in front of them) or put them into roles (the athlete, the smart one, etc). By not comparing or making them compete against each other seems to have reduced the amount of jealously between them.

Like someone else mentioned - you should be able to find both of these books at the library.

My children are FAR from angels and life as a mother can be very trying at times. Especially with 3 so young. But it is the most wonderful thing and does get better. My children seem to really get along very well together - they are rarely physical with each other and share pretty well for their ages.

My husband and I also made a point of showering the older kids with attention when a new baby came home. We had the 'baby' bring home a gift and balloons for them. My husband was able to really spend time with the older ones when I was with the baby. Not everyone is in a situation where they are able to do this though.

Hope this helps. Take care of yourself and good luck with this pregnancy!

L.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I have two friends who also have strong willed children like yours. I see their struggles on a regular basis and I know how you feel. One of them found a book called "Creative Correction" and it gave her healthy ideas to handling things with her son that she had never thought of before. And they work. In fact it worked so well that my other mom friend went out and got the book and she too is trying different ideas and they are working. They are using different things from the book and have found that for some children you really have to think outside of the box. I hope this helps. Also other books that I know that might help is "The Strong Willed Child" and "Bringing Up Boys". I know its hard and its a battle you have to find a way to control soon or you are going to always struggle with him. It is amazing the difference that i have seen in these two boys.Also do you have the house rules out on paper for your son to see? This is huge for kids, and when its on paper, it helps. Good luck.

hello J.! ok im not sure if i can help you at all. i will try though!!! first of all it sounds like you have a lot on your hands. best of luck with whatever you do!!!!!

as for you 4 yr old boy, why do you think he is acting up? that could be a big reason as to why he is doing the things he does. it seems maybe as if the 11 yr old picks on him and he wants to take out his fustration so he does it on the 11 month old. does the 4 yr old have anger problems? maybe try to explain to him that when he says sorry, it doesnt mean everything is ok. he has to mean it!! i know its a hard situation! im not sure i would even know what to do if that was my child. you say nothing phases him. have you talked to him one on one about the new baby? how does he feel? why does he feel that way?

as for the11 month old!ok you dont seem like the type that held her everytime she cryed, so i dont think you caused the problem. maybe this has something to do with the new baby. i know you cant sit her down and find out why she is freaking out. she is mean to your tummy? that could be a sign. maybe its just a phase! im sure its hard to deal with.

do you get along with the 6 yr olds mother? maybe you two can talk about what she is doing and try to figure out why and if she does it with her. try to ask more questions. does your husban tell her that she needs to tell the whole truth and not just part of it? has she been like this the whole time?

maybe you could take all 3 kids out and see how they act around the other kids. see if the 4 yr old hits or throws things at the other kids. see if the 11 month old will still freak out so bad. and maybe the 6 yr old is just bored so doesnt tell the whole truth. well i hope i've helped in some way!!!

Have you tried a sticker chart with your son? You may have to start with half days. Say for every morning (before lunch) he can go without hurting his sister or throwing a fit then he recieves a sticker, and the same goes for after lunch until bed time. Take him to the dollar store and allow him to pick out small prizes and put them up high where he can't get them. Once he gets a set number of stickers he gets a prize.

I found with seperation anxiety that telling my son where I was going, how long I would be gone and that I would be right back eased his anxiety. If I was at home I would tell him he had the choice of playing with his toys or following me to do whatever I'm doing. If I was working on the computer he could be in the room but he could not be on my lap. If I was leaving to go to the bathroom, I did just that, I went to the bathroom and went back to check on him and let him know I was checking in. WHEN he did manage to entertain himself into something I NEVER inturrupted. I just let him go, and checked in without saying anything. He got over it.
Best of Luck!

Hello, I am currently having the same problems with my 5 year old son....We tried everything. His teacher even had us test him for ADHD, but he isn't. I actually did some research and found many books on strong-willed children. I settled on one called Raising your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. I am currently reading it and am finding that it completey describes my son. It also has a compnion workbook, to help you work the strategies into your home. I have taled to a few people who have read this book and said that it helped them alot.... If You're nervous about buying the books and having them end up not working, a lot of libraries carry them or you can go to Amazon.com and you can actually preview the workbook and unrevised edition of the main book and see if it describes any of your children. I know how frustrating it can be to have your kids not listen and feel like you've exhausted all options. I hope this helps.

J.,

I think that your 4 years old is a little bit jealous of the the 11 month old - make sure you set some time aside to spend with him and explain why the 11 month old receives so much attention and that after the new baby is born why the new baby will receive more attention too remember the 4 year old is still really a baby himself and still needs and crave attention from you.

OK the 11 month old will get over the fact that you leave a room, my daughter does the same thing when either my husband or I leave a room especially if we walk into a room and then leave immediately, have whoever is watching her pick her up for a few minutes and then engage her in playing with something, distraction is a great thing at this age.

I'm not sure what to say about your 6 year old because I do not have any step-children myself. I would imagine though that she just wants attention too especially since she goes back and forth between to different homes every other weekend.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that your children just want attention, it's very hard when you have multiple children in your home to give each child individual attention, but it is possible, let the older children help you do your chores and make them feel special by giving them responsibilities that *ONLY* they can do. The younger children make sure you spend some one-on-one time with them and when they are old enough to help out let them.

I hope that this helps your situation, but you know what they say about advice so take what works for you and discard the rest.

Good luck and take care,
Mel

It sounds as if your son could be having a difficult time knowing there is another baby on the way and that he will have to share mom and dad even more. I would suggest, if possible not to look for a job right now because this may be an important time to focus on the kids and not add anymore changes that will take you away from them. I am also wondering if maybe your family is experiencing a lot of stress due to another pregnancy and a possibly difficult financial situation. Kids of all ages can definitely pick up on any stress you and your husband are feeling and would cause them to act out accordingly. When I am stressed out it definitely is noticeable in my children's countenance as well.

Hang in there and keep loving on those kids- even when your patience is low- kids aren't little for long!

Quit hitting your kids, and quit making excuses. Plain and simple. They learn nothing from being afraid of the people who are supposed to love and care for them. Period. See Bobbi J's response, ITA.