Help with Discipline...

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Welcome to the terrible two's! Her memory is short, so don't give her the opportunity to run, contain her if the situation is dangerous. With a 4 month old, it is very difficult. Discipline will work over time, and she will stop the behavior if it is just a phase, but with disciplining a 2 year old patience and consistency have to be employed 100% of the time, and even then she may not retain it. When it came to trying to stop my daughter from running away, I tried as best as I could not to give her the oportunity. Just for quickness and ease for me, I hired a babysitter 1 day a week to do errands so I could actually get things done without worrying about her safety. When they came out with those grocery carts with toddler seats in them, I thought they were genius! This too shall pass, hang in there mama!

Hi Amy, She seems to just be testing the boundries. Kids do this to see how much control they have and it is very normal and an important stage for them to go through.
For me the best thing was to give choices. Get down on your knees so you are at her level, show no emotion at all and say.....example: you can throw things and go in the corner all by yourself for 3 minutes or you can stop and pick up what you threw and we can play dolls together. Most important show no emotion at all. Let her decide what happens. It takes it off of you and into her own hands. She is just looking to control things and that is a great asset to have one day when she is in the business world. You don't want to squash it out of her but help/teach her how to control it. You can do this by giving her choices and let her decide.
Good Luck, don't take any of her behavior personally she is just trying to spread her wings a bit. Give her choices so she thinks she is in control and calling the shots.
~~M.~~

Amy,

We used a leash (you can find them in the baby aisle) for our son when he started doing this same thing. We also gave him swats when he wouldn't follow the rules. He is 6 (almost 7) now and we continue to receive compliments from other parents and grandparents about his behavior in public.

We have phased out of the swatting because he is too old for that type of punishment, but still use it if he pushes the boundaries too far.

Be advised that some parents will think you are being cruel by leasing your child, but I always kept my son's safety in mind when getting nasty looks from other people. You can't always predict what will happen in a parking lot, but if your child is on a leash you can predict how far she can get from you. Eventually she will learn your limits and, as long as you stay consistent with the rules and consequences, she will start to follow the rules and behave better and better.

My fear was what happens if he is not on the leash, runs off, a bad person gets to him before I do. I would rather know exactly where my child is at all times, while giving them a bit of independence at the same time, in a way that is safe for everyone.

Good luck!

-C..

Amy are you sure you are not talking about my 2 1/2 yr old daughter. I swear I was just about to make a post about the exact same things. My daughter has always been very very active but the past few days something has happened and the occasional not listening is now every second of everyday. She is disobeying everything we say and mean everything. I thought it was just me and my hubby but today at daycare she acted the same way. I am interested in peoples suggestions, good luck with your little one. I am sure they are testing us but the test is testing my sanity!
Good Luck

I agree with the no emotion thing! Every time you get excited and worked up it's almost like they think "look I made it work". Like we are a toy. So very steady tones.

Hello Amy, ATTENTION!! This is why she is doing what she does. Negative attention is still great fun for children. Ignor her when she behaves like this. This is why schools remove bad behaving children from the classroom. When she is in time out there should be no talking, other kids around, sometimes just looking at them is all they need. Sometimes when my kids were being bad I would go to my room and shut the door, or go out side and walk around the house. As far as the parking lot, that is the putting her life in danger. Put a harness on her if you need to in order to keep her safe. Make her earn the privilege of going without it. Use reverse psycology on her by saying the opposite of what you want her to do. Then when she thinks she is defying you she is actually doing what you want. Good luck, she will grow out of this stage in time.

As a teacher, you can tell whose child gets spanked....by the way they act at school usually hitting other kids, and sometimes, they will tell me their parent hit them and it just breaks my heart. My daughter, although she has her off days, have never been spanked and is the best behaved little girl and she is four. People who think spanking is okay are crazy. It's teaching your child that the way to get what you want and have control is through hitting...what is right with that??? Plus, how could you possible want to physically harm your child on purpose. My four year old went through the same thing when she was two, not listening, going limp, running, doing opposite stuff. I learned about "Love and Logic" for my students and started using it with her,... and it worked! Patience, patience, I still use time outs or take away privilages, like no story at bedtime if she doesn't cooperate. Give her choices, then they feel in control. And give her an update, like, "Okay, we are going to walk out the door in one minute. How do we walk nicely? Let's make a good choice. Would you like to hold this hand, or my other hand that has my rings on it?" Use your brightest voice, I think raising kids is a lot like acting....you have to make everything sound great and fun even if it's not. :) Look up Love and Logic online and that should help you a lot, good luck!!

My daughter was the same way and I used to threaten her that if she did not stay by me that I would get a "leash" for her. I never did but I wish that I would have. It was more embarrassing to have a screaming kicking and sometimes dragging child through a parking lot or at a store:) The "leash" would have probably been less embarrassing. She finally did grow out of it, don't ask me when, it is all a blurr now that she is 8, but my advice is just to stay on top of things, do not let any of your rules slip not even once because they are very smart and observant and they will take complete advantage of those situations that they know they can manipulate you in. Not saying that kids are manipulative but they know....I have seen some really cute back pack leashes, don't know where the people got them but they are dogs or cats and they look like the dog is on the leash not your child, very cool, I would have definately gotten one for mine if they had those then! In fact I may get one for her now LOL! Have a great day and good luck...

It sounds like she's DESPERATE for attention. Has anything changed in your daily routine? Any new thing that might have her feeling needy and thus acting out to get a big reaction? Maybe feeling left out because of the 4 month old?

I'd suggest reading the 5 love languages for kids. I really helped me with my 18 month old who was throwing food (normally ate EVERYTHING, then suddenly got picky and just threw it) and hitting us. Even at that young age I was able to figure out very quickly what hers were, quality time and physical touch, so I just started making time for those things, focused time for her, and tried to arrange my schedule around her nap time, so when she was awake, I was focused on her. It literally worked magic. And whenever I forget to make time for her and she gets acting naughty, I stop what I'm doing and give her focused attention and it takes care of the problem.

My MIL was the one to suggest it, she'd used this when working with kids from church - many who had behavior problems - and found it made a big difference.

You can get it at your library and or buy it used on Amazon (what I did). Its a great resource.

Best wishes!

There is something called Oppositional Defiance Disorder (my 10yo has been diagnosed with this). I am NOT saying that this is what your daughter has, but if you google it you can find some great information on how to handle discipline for those "hard to handle" kids. Good luck!

S.

Time to watch Supernanny on Fridays for disciplinary issues. Could be very helpful.

But I say it's time to get tough and get in her face. She needs to know her stuff will not be tolerated. If it requires a quick swat on the tush, do so. It'll catch her off guard and drive home the point of your anger and frustration and disappointment. "I am not going to accept your naughty behavior anymore" "When you want to stop being naughty by doing this, then you can go here/there" "We'll talk when you can behave like a nice person" And explain the dangers of running around in a car park or street. There are big cars and trucks out there and sick people out there too.

She is only 2 and may not have a real grasp on the dangers or what you're saying. But maybe you should prevent her from running on her own. At a car park, hold on to her hand or in the child seat of the grocery cart. If you have to buy a harness and leash, do so. Whatever it takes.

Make her stand in time out with her nose to the wall. Get one of those backpack child leashes and make her wear it outside until she learns to be nice and hold hands. Don't ask her to do things, tell her, and be ready to stand up and hand out the punishment. Nothing will make her stop right away, but if you start now then maybe she will listen by the time she is 3! That's the age when mine actually started to listen better.

The only thing I am strict on is safety issues with my kids. My last two thought running in the street was fun. It is hard with another baby.
With my kids, I had to be very strict while inappropriate behavior was present! The runner remained trapped in the carseat until the baby was strapped in the stoller or carrier. We had a little talk every time they were unstrapped. Holding my hand was not a question and when they started to jolt, I picked them up and strapped them in the carseat for a few minutes, telling them I have to make sure they were safe. No lecture...just...I have to make sure you are safe, and running in streets is not sage. Tell me when you are ready to walk safely.
Since my kids love their freedom, this worked pretty well for me.
About throwing things, my mom told me to toss the toy in the garbage. I never did...but I did put it up on the top of the refrigerator for a few weeks...then put it back in the toy box when I thought they forgot about it.
All phases will pass.
Oh, I did have a friend who got a leash for her son. I thought it was horrid, but never said so. I would rather see him on a leash then in a coffin.

Amy, I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but I can commiserate with you...my 2 1/2 yr old daughter drives me crazy!!! She also runs away from me at stores and parking lots, she will not wear a coat (she is able to unzip & take it off herself) and her favorite thing to do is to go compeltely limp....it is literally like having to carry around a 40 lb sack of potatoes...

I am going to read the responses, and I hope someone has some good advice for us! For our sanity!!!

Every child is different but this helped with my boys. I practiced the behavior that I wanted them to do before we got out into the real world. So if you don't want her to run in the parking lot you role play that at home when you can explain the problems and dangers in a safe "game". You show her by example like follow the leader exactly what you want her to do and NOT do.

Then when you get into the parking lot tell her what you expect before you get her out of the car seat. Tell her up front if she doesn't hold you hand, then you will have to carry her (or put a leash on her, or put her back into the car till she is ready to explore the store with you). When she does what you want, like hold your hand all the way across the parking lot with a smile on her face, then when you get into the store get down on her level and SMILE really big and tell her how PROUD you are of your big girl and that as a reward she can pick out the cart and help you find the items you are going to buy. My boys loved big hugs and high fives along with my SOOOOOOOO Proud speech ;). Of course when you get ready to go back the next time you have to do it all over again until it becomes “normal” behavior.

Best of luck some children are more independent from the start and need more guidance.

As for the running, make it a game. Teach her "red light, green light" at home (backyard, inside, anywhere safe) and play it spontaneously. If you shout red light she should freeze (they think its so funny) until you shout green light. If you play it a lot it will help her listen when you shout red light on a parking lot, sidewalk, etc. With kids that are 2, its hard to reason with them, so if you make things like that a game, they can at least be safe without a fight. My daughter just turned 3 and she doesn't care much about time outs either (my son HATES time out so it worked for him), but with her I learned that if I take away a toy when she misbehaves (for a day or so), that really works and its such a reward when they get the toy back! Its harsh to say, but when you figure out what they really like and then take it away, they realize that misbehaving is not worth it. Its kind of trial and error but when you hit on a punishment that works, its such a relief. Good Luck!

I dont have any advice except to be consistent and follow thru- no empty threats...

Im going thru the same thing....and I FEEL your pain....it can be so frustrating especially when they are putting themselves in danger...everyone keeps telling be to be patient, be consistent, and to follow thru....and of course it will pass....I sure hope so....lol

Good Luck!

My daughter is 4 and now she will tell you as soon as she gets out of the car that we have to hold hands. It is not a choice, we hold hands in the store or she can sit in the cart that is her choice. I give her many choices through the day so that she can be in control of some things, it is a normal thing with growing up. Don't you like to be in control too? I give her choices with breakfast, would you like cereal or toast, choices with clothes, things that she can decide.

When she went through a phase of throwing things, I took whatever she threw and put it in the garbage. If she didn't want to take care of it neither did I. It worked.

I don't give choices on safety things. When she tried to run out on to our busy road one day I yelled her name very very loud and ran after her. When I caught her I picked her up and told her that she could have been hit by a car and hurt really bad. She is no longer allowed in the front of our house without me or her father. Part of the thing with running (for her) was that when she learned to walk it was a game to chase her.... make sure you don't play that game anymore.

I don't agree with any of the advice on spanking...hurting my child to teach her to be afraid of me just didn't work for me. I would recommend "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn, it is a great book on positive ways to raise your children. I get commended on how well my daughter listens and what a joy she is to be around... she has never been spanked.

You can get the back pack leashes at Target, and other stores. We used one when we went to the Grand Canyon. I carry my daughter if she acts up. This is terrible for her, because she likes to be independent.

Tell her the behavior that you expect before you even get out of the car. Then, if she doesn't do it, act immediately with whatever consequences that you have forwarned her about (like strapping her into a cart). Don't give extra warnings just follow through. The same at home.

You could try a reward chart, this doesn't really work for my little one, she was jsut too little to really grasp that she would get something later. Too into immediate gratification.

Also, become a cheerleader. Whenever she does anything right, really make a big deal out of it. Even if it is jsut sitting and playing nicely with her toys, tell how wonderful you think it is that she is playing nicely, and give her a sticker.

Good luck, this is an age thing and it will take a while to get it under control. You are the boss, and you need to portray that you are and know that you are.