Problem with a Close Friend

I have a few people that do that, and all I ever say is "all children are different" that seems to do the trick. I would stop asking about her children then maybe she will get the hint. I also always think to myself what is she covering up for, what is wrong with her life that she has to do that and I think, my life is so much better that I don't spend my time worring or thinking about all my child isn't/can't/won't do yet. What YOU do for naps, bedtime, weaning etc. tell her works for YOU. Good Luck.

Unfortunately, in her eyes, your child will obviously never be as good, as smart, as nice, as pretty, as whatever as her lovely darling child will ever be. Parents magazine recently ran an article on this. To handle her, you need to give her a response on one of the extreme ends of the 'reaction spectrum'.

On one end is "don't play the game". Make one of those ambivalent comments like "hmm, that's nice" while avoiding eye contact, etc. This should make her feel marginalized by your lack of response. You could also be like "oh? really? hmm?" and move on to another activity and end the conversation.

The other end of the spectrum is to go overboard on your praise. Her kid is walking? "Wow, the scholarship offers for the track team must be pouring in already!" Her child is the smartest? "So, what medical school have you enrolled him/her in". If it doesn't seem like you're taking her seriously, she might stop bragging.

Although you are probably very excited when your child reaches a milestone (at her own rate), avoid even mentioning it to her. You would only be inviting her to jump in with her own comments of how much better her child is. Sounds like you get enough of that grief already!

As far as the unsolicited advice on how you should nurse/nap/discipline, etc. Use the comment/correction/comment technique: "It seems like you've got a great bedtime schedule working in your household. After we consulted our pediatrician, she recommended this routine for our child and we're giving it a try and experiencing success. I appreciate your concern with our child's sleep habits, but instead of helping me you're making me feel stressed."

C.,

What is WITH people that do this!? HOW ANNOYING! Sorry.

Anyway, I think everyone has been in your situation at one time or another. I don't know why other Mom's feel the need to pump their kids up by trying to put others down. It just makes them (the Mom) look petty and jealous IMO.

I'd say ignore it, but when it's constant I know it's not that easy to do. I suppose you have to think about if you value the friendship enough to say something and if the friendship is strong enough for you to be able to say something.

I'm curious as to how you have dealt with it so far. How do you respond when something is said, if you do respond? I know I have a similar situation and I've never said anything about it because I don't see them that often so it's not worth it.

Maybe the next time she questions something you do with your child you can say something like, "Well, I'm glad that way works for you but in our house we're happy doing it this way." something like that.

Good luck. Gosh, what a pain in the butt situation.

T.

OHHHHH geez. got the same thing going on. That and for some reason every time i talk to my friend she volunteers what size she's at (smaller and smaller). Neither one of us has anything to worry about there, not sure why she is so obsessed. After hearing how her life is so STRESSFUL because of her "gifted child" (he's not even 3 yet), after I smile politely i get off the phone. Unfortunately its a standing joke in our house now. sad. sorry. she's likely insecure with whatever is going on in her life!

Hi C.,

I have a seemingly unrelated example, but I'm hoping it will help. I live in a townhouse. We have an association and according to my neighbors our association never does anything right (lawn and landscaping maintenance, snow removal, etc). Well when I see my neighbors this is all we ever talk about! After 3 years of living here and seeing my neighbors at least a few times a month, more when the weather's nice, I realized that I hardly know anything about them!

Last week I decided that we needed a change. When my neighbor started in on the latest about her conversation with the yard care worker I let her complete her thought and then said, "Yeah, that's crazy. So what else is new with you?" I ended up finding out that her 1 son (out of 4 children - hello! I didn't even know how many kids she had!) just got married in Hawaii and they're having a reception for him that weekend. How refreshing! We talked about her grandkids and a bunch of other stuff that was all new to me and that actually mattered!

So I guess my advice is to acknowledge her "bragging". She sounds like she may be feeling insecure and is looking for some validation about her kids and how they're doing. That's important for some people. For me after losing my first child it put some things into perspective for me.

My brother has a daughter who would have been a month older than my daughter who's now in heaven. Looking back I realize that I probably would have spent her whole life comparing her with her cousin. How hard would that have been on her? Not to mention the strain it would have put on my relationship with my brother and sister-in-law!

Sometimes we don't understand God's plan, but now I realize what a lesson he had for me in that situation. I prayed that God would make me a better parent. Losing a child to make me a better parent to my 2nd wasn't quite what I had in mind, but you know what... I *do* cherish every single moment with my son. I don't compare him to others. And when I find people who are all about that I humbly remind them how grateful we should be to have these little miracles in our lives! If Jonah grows up knowing that he is loved and knowing the God who created him then I've done my job as a parent. The rest is gravy!

So I guess my advice would be to change the subject. I know as a mom when I'm with other moms all we seem to talk about is our kids, but I'm trying to change that. Just because I'm a mom I'm still a person with interests of my own. Maybe your friend needs a hobby? Maybe you could both read the same book and then next time you get together you could discuss it?

Good luck & God bless,
L.

As I read your story, I felt I could have written it! I was beyond close with my sister and now that we have children only months apart, the relationship is just so uncomfortable. She makes it such a chore to have the most simple conversation with her. Her child is so much smarter and better and bigger and apparently can part the red sea. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. It bores me more than anything but when she notices I ignore her rants about how wonderful and better they are, she has a fit. The sad thing is she now has a second child and she even seems to put him down because even he isn't as "smart" in her eyes. Sad! Sad! Sad! She never even asks about my child either and can come in and out of a room w/out saying atleast hello to her. I practically kiss her children's cheeks away when I see them. Not because I want anything in return but because I absolutely adore them so much (even though the "smart" one is a bad boy 90% of the time).

We should be enjoying being moms together! I miss her but I realize I need to let it go...that relationship is gone. It took me a while to realize it.

I don't see my sister in law often but she too does this. The funny thing is......my sister hates that she does and complains about it all the time. Can you believe it!!!!

Hi C.:

Unfortunately, your situation is not that uncommon. I think we all have encountered a competitive mom. I have found that it is really just best to listen to what they have to say and then move on. We all parent in our own way and our children all develop at their own pace. Her child may speak before yours, and yours may walk before hers. Regardless of what happens when, they will both end up speaking and walking.

Now I did have a friend that always told be how GORGEOUS her children were. She would look at a picture of her kids and just sigh and say "They are just so gorgeous!" I know that every mother thinks that her child is adorable, but this was a little over the top. In this case, I would just come home and laugh, because what else could I do. I realized that this was her way of competing with me as she always bragged about her kids' intellect with our other friend. In a way it is like displacing her own feelings of inadequacy on her children. Unfortunately for the kids, it's a lot to live up to when you're expected to be the smartest prettiest kid in class because that is what your mom is always saying. Good Luck.

Yep, have friends like that too a few of them...I agree with the response about Parent's magazine...Don't get wrapped in what your friend is doing. By not paying attention and changing the subject or exagerating really "hits the nail" on the head. People who have to brag to the extreme about their children are obviously insecure....Feel sorry for them.

I had this happen to me as well when my kids were younger and hitting milestones in their first year. You could take this in one direction or the other. You could either ignore it and change the subject or take a sarcastic tone just like another mom said and make little snippy comments like the one i giggled at-- "OH? What Medical school is your kid enrolled at?"

It's up to you, just don't let her crawl under your skin. It's not worth it and she might not be as close of a friend as you might think.

I had a friend in New York who was always, always comparing her 2 months-younger daughter to mine. It was all she ever talked about. If I would ask about how her life is going otherwise, it was a word or two, and then back to her daughter. I acted indifferent after a while, and slowly I just let the friendship fizzle.

Around the same time, I met a wonderful mom through this site, and her child is about the same age as my daughter. But there is no comparing, no snide remarks, no put-downs. Our friendship exists to support each other and give advice as moms. I don't feel stressed at all when I talk about my child to her, as opposed to that competitive pal in NY, because I know I won't get judged.

I deal with a lot of competitive moms these days, esp that my
daughter is speech-delayed, and small for her age. I try not to let it get under my skin, and act indifferent when people say snide comments. She's getting speech therapy and doing great in her own way.

I agree with the others -- act indifferent or overtly praise her. She is very insecure, and that is why she feels the need to 'show off.' Showing off make herself feel better, because her self-esteem is so low. Perhaps her parent(s) were like that with her.

If her constant comparing still irks you, or she doesn't get the hint, I'd just let the friendship slowly fade away.

There are many more moms/friends out there who would never compare; they'd support you, be happy for you and your child, and never judge. Friendship is a two-way street. Join the local mom's group and branch out and meet other more down-to-earth moms. Go to www.meetup.com to find groups in your area.

The sad thing is, she is teaching her child to be the same way like her. She's setting her child up to be an overachiever, a child who will never be happy with him/herself throughout life, no matter what accomplishments are made.

Hi C.-

Don't compare...just brush it off. I know it's VERY hard to do and easier said than done. I did the same thing with a friend's kid (with our first children who were 4 months apart and she had the kid hitting all of the milestones first and then some) and I feel like I didn't cherish his everyday moments enough. And don't worry, b/c when the second child comes around (by the way our daughter's were 4 mo's apart too)...you won't even care about milestones, I was able to relax and cherish every moment of my second child's baby moments and it felt so good! And I did not compare our daughters.

Hope this helps!

M.