11 Year Olds Friend Being Mean (Please Help)

Hi A.,

When my daughter was having a similar problem and she was complaining to me about her friend's behavior. I told her that she had to decide if she wanted to be friends with a person like that. Then, I stayed out of it. She started telling her friend that she did not like the teasing and when the friend said that she was not going to stop, my daughter decided that she would just walk away when her friend would start doing it. This has worked. Also, it was good for her to work it out on her own. Girls only get meaner from here and it is important that they work out relationships and disappointments so that they can handle the harder stuff as it comes.

D.

You should do nothing. At their age, all girls can be a little mean, even the best of friends, unfortunately. Do not get involved in their bickering, etc unless it is a safety issue. Talk to your daughter privately and let her know that the way her friend is treating her is NOT how a friend acts so that she will treat her friends better than that. Comfort her and encourage her in her abilities...be her cheerleader so that she doesn't have to rely on her friends for her self-esteem.

I agree that your DD should be able to handle her friend. I would however during a pvt moment with her ask her if it bothers her. If it does then you two can discuss what she would like to do about it. If she says it doesn't bother her, then say ok, I was just checking and just know you can always come to me if it starts to bother you or for anything. Also I am a little lost also why people are saying you write about your DD a lot. Why wouldn't you? This is a momma site? Gosh even with a simple question people gotta judge.

You should buy her the American Girl book - A Smart Girl’s Guide to Friendship Troubles. My 12 y/o really likes it. Also having private talks with her one on one is always a good idea. Ask her how she would like to handle it next time that happens or role play with her. Some "friends" are just competitive and now is a good time to teach her about what to do.

My daughter had that kind of friend and whenever she would do stuff like “one uping”, my daughter would just say: “Wow! Great job”. It just made her feel better about herself showing encouragement in an otherwise annoying situation! LOL

By the way, I think it's fine that you are asking "a lot" of questions about your daughter. Whether it's on here or with your friends/family, asking for advice is never a bad thing. =-)

At 11 - middle school age - you're really past the point of doing something or getting involved in friend disputes unless someone is physically hurting or threatening your daughter. This is just showing off/being mean. Your daughter needs to do something about it if it bothers her and tell the friend that she's being rude and a show off, or end the friendship. At this age, they're past the point of mom calling another mom and saying "Your daugher is being mean to my daughter" or anything like that. Tell your daughter that she needs to stand up for herself and speak up.

I see you have written a lot about your daughter.

In some ways, it is what girls do. Always trying to outdo the other. It happens in high school where my daughter is cheer captain and the dancers get on FB saying they are better than the cheerleaders, trashing the cheerleaders, etc. blah blah blah......... My daughter just says "there they go again" because about 1/2 of the over 30 members of the dance team tried out for the much smaller cheer squad of 19. A lot of it is jealousy and girls being girls to do whatever they can to make someone else feel inferior.

Your daughter needs some self confidence. If she is as good as you have portrayed her to be, praise her, help her feel good about herself. There will be "friends" ALL through life being "mean" and it is something we all have to learn to handle. She does not need you stepping in to fight her battles unles there are serious threats of course......she needs you to LISTEN, be her rock to lean on, guide her through this tough emotional and hormonal age. Communication is key right now, keep those doors open and listen to her.

Best wishes.

Personally I would let your daughter decide about maintaining the friendship. She is old enough that it needs to be her decision whether she wants to have a 1/2 time friend or not. If the girl makes her uncomfortable or hurts her feelings, your daudhter needs to decide and realize it is ok to spend less time with her. If the friend asks why they are hanging out less, your daughter needs to tell her friend she can be hurtful sometimes. Honesty is good thing to promote with your daughter. Does your daughter have other friends she can do things with instead, girls who are nicer? Make the suggestion to your daugher she starts calling them to do things with. Is your daughter in middle school? My daughter who is just a few yrs older last yr started spending less time w/ some girls who were her friends and much more friendly when middle school began. Many girls personalities change at this tween age and you should tell your daughter this. It is ok to lose a friend if that friend causes them heartache. She will make plenty of new friends over the next few yrs. Let her know this Mom. Good luck to her.

You have written about your daughter a lot.... is this for real?

Your girl is 11.... and, for peer problems, well, she has to be able to CHOOSE friends... not just be their door-mat....
as a Mom, I would speak to her about friends, how to choose friends, values, being self-confident etc. Discuss the concepts with her.... so she can be self-sufficient and confident, even around 'jerk' or 'mean' kids.... who are just superficial friends.

.

Don't feel bad about asking questions about your daughter, that is what this website is for. MAMA-pedia.
About your daughter, I know as a mom you must feel helpless when you see your daughter hurt. Is really nothing you can nor should do to change the other girl(s). But you can help your daughter to build a strong self-esteem.
Is better to have 1 good friend then many 1/2 friends (being 1/2 mean).
Helping your daughter in having more then 1 hobbies, quality, it helps too.
Having different groups of friends help too.
Last year my daughter when from the same, she had a good friend but also many no so good friends but she was just kind of stock with them.
We move and this year she has a very nice group of friends, l don't know if it was the house change or she just got tired of mean girls and look for friends that she have more things in common.
5th, 6th, 7th grades are the grades I see that some girls become no so sweet little girls but more competitive teens. I remember being like this since I was a kid.
Good luck.

At 11 I usually try to let them figure out this themselves. Maybe you can help your daughter to defend herself in a nice way. Help her with positive comebacks. Girls can be sooooo mean to each other. Like if her friend says look at me I can do this better......a good comeback might be.......You sure can, how do you do that.......or I will be able to that someday too!......or wow your really good. She maybe a know it all little girl, but really all your daughter needs to do is smile and walk away. I would not get involved any more than that. Just make sure your daughter knows just how wonderful she really is and their are people in this world that will not always be nice. As long as your daughter has a good self esteem, she has nothing to worry about. Good luck!

I agree with Clare M. - read the book Queen Bees and Wannabes. I wish I had that book when I was growing up! Would have saved me a ton of heartache and pain. I'm reading it now with my daughter who is 9 because I'm already starting to see some disturbing behavior in her class.

I went through the same thing this year in my daughter's dance class. I just encouraged her and told her not to listen to the "mean" girls. She had a really tough year and her class was before I was off work, so I couldn't go watch and encourage her. I signed her up for summer tumbling and she was with different girls. She totally rocked! she found her love for it again, and her self confidence was restored. I am going to have her in a later class this fall so I can be there cheering for her! She is so thrilled to be encouraged, she positively glows! Don't even focus on the other girl, and at lessons, or practice cheer her on!!!

Having friends to compete with can be a helpful relationship. Your daughters friend is coaxing your daughter by her bragging. If your daughter thinks being able to do doublesided splits is important to her she has a good friend that will help stretch and practice. If your daughter doesnt feel doublesided splits is all that important than she should just blow off her friends bragging. The friend is just looking for compliments. Women are very competitive with each other and it goes on for your entire life. She may as well just get used to it. Lots of people like to toot their own horn.

is this happening in your house?
set house rules, including rules about how people treat each other and what sort of language and activities are appropriate. this will of course not "solve" the problem, but it will send a clear message to your daughter and her friend about expectations for mutual respect, it won't be "chastising" the friend, and it will help you feel like you've spoken out in defense of your daughter without embarrassing her or undermining her.
good luck!

Looking at this and your other posts, I have a couple of thoughts.

First, your daughter needs to learn that comparing herself to others is always a losing proposition. There will always be someone better at this, faster at that, more talented, prettier, taller, better grades, whatever. She needs to learn the difference between being THE best and being HER best. The only fair measuring stick for ourselves is our own mirror (if you know what I mean). Is she working hard, having fun, and improving in her dance? That is all that matters. The world of dance/sports/cheer/etc. is competition. Sometimes you win, other times you lose. That is just part of life, and will only get worse as she gets older.
Secondly, if there is a chance to move dance studios I would do that. I know in our little town there are three really good studios, so I would assume that Pleasanton has at least one other good one. Switching teachers and studios will give her a view of what it is like somewhere else. She may like it better and fit in with the other dancers well, or she may find the same situation and learn the lesson that the dance world is just like that. Then she can make the decision if she wishes to continue being a part of it. Dance should be fun. Anything a child puts this much effort into needs to be a passion and not a chore. If she truly loves to dance it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks/does. It needs to be about the dancing.

I have two daughters (13 and almost 16) They both have been involved with cheer, dance, and several different sports over the years. They have now both settled into soccer (suprised me!). They love it and although not the star players, they love their teams, coaches, and most of all playing the game. They never miss a chance to kick the ball around. Because they love it, it doesn't matter to them if they make Varsity, or get the most playing time, or score the most goals. It is all about being able to play. I think your daughter needs to get to that with her dance. If she is not passionate about it to the point where other's success/weaknesses don't matter to her, she may need to continue her search for her passion, for something that makes her feel good about herself, not always feeling inadequate.

My two...

A few thoughts;
You couldn't pay me enough to be 11 again!
Girls are SO insecure at that age - they like boys but boys mostly still think they have cooties - many girls are taller than the boys - awkward!
It sounds to me like her Dr. Jekyl friend is very insecure and maybe jealous of your daughter for some reason.
You can talk to your daughter about how at her age she needs to be pickier about her friends because now it's not just about toys and favorite movies - personalities and common morals and goals are getting more important so some childhood friends may drift apart. That's o.k. - a part of life - not fun - but normal.
Otherwise, don't try to fight her battles for her - she needs to develop her own sense of poise and confidence. Try to have a trusted auntie or older cousin for her to confide in when she's not comfortable talking to you about something.

I think that is normal for kids to say things like that to eachother. Tell your daughter to do her best and not compare herself to others. With any sport there will always be someone who is better and someone who is worse then you are. If it really bothers her that the friend teases her then don't hang out with that kid, but there will always be someone who is going say something critical. The best thing is to learn to ignore it.

Read the book, "Queenbees and Wannabees", and then read it aloud to your daughter! Acutally, that was the book that inspired the movie, "Mean Girls".
Your daughters friend sounds like she's trying to be the Queenbee -- she gets her power by alternating between being mean and nice.

My 17 year old daughter has some simular friends when she was 11. She realized from the book that they weren't such good friends, so she branched off and hung out with other people. Now she has a better relationship with the girls who were being mean to her and even does things with them.

Good luck!

I would sit her friend down and let her know it is not nice to put people down. Some people are better at math then others. That does not mean you are a better person. If you need help in an area then you should show your friend and help them with something that will make them better. That makes you a good person. Children need to learn how to help one another then to think they are better.

Good luck.

N. Marie

My son has a "friend" like this girl you describe. My son is 10 now, and this boy has been treating him this hot/cold way for a few years. It turns out that my son knows exactly what kind of person this kid is, and knows that at any time he might be a friend or an enemy...but he says the fun he has with him when they are getting along is worth all the trouble! It wouldn't be my choice to be friends with someone like that, but that is the choice that works for him.

I don't think You should do anything. You daughter is probably aware that there is something wrong with this girl. As long as your daughter doesn't believe that she deserves the bad treatment, there is nothing to worry about. It is educational to know people with problems when we are young---it teaches us how to get along with the many people we will encounter later in life.

Stay out of it. let your daughter figure out for herself whether she wants to be friends with this person. your daughter's friend is probably just proud of what she can do. who knows, maybe your daughter does the same thing when they're doing something she's better at. Anyway, your daughter is 11 and she needs to handle this herself.

S.H. ... .Why the H does it matter if she writes a lot about her daughter. Her daughter is a preteen and like all ages, is at a very difficult age. Maybe she doesn't need to write about her others because she doesn't have a problem. GASP!!! No problem! Oh no! She must be ignoring her others. *rolls eyes*

As a former dancer, actor, and singer every single one of these performance hobbies, you have to out do your neighbor. Although most snobby ones don't get anywhere fast. If your around when she says these snide remarks tell her off. She is mature enough now (well hopefully) that she needs to be told that, that is not acceptable behavior as a friend or human being. Or pull her aside and tell her if you aren't around when she says these things. Or even do the classic mom thing and talk to her mom.

There is NOTHING wrong with you writing about your daughter often...isn't that what this forum is all about? Venting and getting support and advice. I had the same problem with my daughter and someone told me to read Odd Girl Out, definately a book all mothers with daughters need to read. It's about the culture of hidden agression in girls. Very good book.

My daughter is almost 11, and girls can get really mean at this age. Talk to her about how she feels when hanging out with this girl. Encourage her to spend more time with girls she actually has fun, girls who do not make annoying/mean comments. She can't control if this girl is in dance with her, and she should be at least cordial towards her, but she does not have to be friends with her. She doesn't have to hang out with her socially outside of this activity. She deserves better than a nice-half-of-the-time friend. Time for her to pick up the phone and get busy making plans with nicer girls.

A.,
Your daughters freind is a one upper....That is her personality trait and it will most likely be there her whole life. We all know people like that. Tell your daughter that since she is aware of this trait, that she can almost always expect it from this particular freind and not to take it personal. If she is aware of it then maybe in her head she can recognize it when it is happening and laugh inside at it and sluff it off on the outside...I mean ignore it. The one uppers of the world do this for attention purposes, or maybe they have parents or siblings that do the same and are raised around those type of resonses, so that is what they learn. Chances are they don't even know they are offending anyone. If it really bothers your daughter then she can always have a private converstion with this girl and tell her that it really hurts her feelings when she is put down by being out done and verbally told so. Eveyone is different and we learn at different paces. Just because the abilities are at different levels, the joy and desire to do the sport or activity is what really counts. Children take things way to serious at her age anyway, and as a Mom you can remind her that life is not all about competing against another person, it is about personal goals and achievements, and if she accomplishes her goals, or at least is always working towards them she is doing just fine. This is how children learn how to deal with people who are different than them.
Good luck with this. : )