Preschoold Parent Needs Advice

I went through early intervention with my youngest. It was a great experience for me. I have a son with lots of behavioral issues and without them I would have lost it. Three is most of the time a little to young to actually diagnos anything, but certain behavioral issues can be worked on. Plus it is free, and can take the place of preschool if it works out. They are basically trying to get him ready for regular school, you will get advice on his behavior, and he should like it. You will go for an evaluation with your son at first, and then your son will be placed where he needs to be if he needs anything. Sometimes kids display different behavior in different settings. I agree though, kids are expected to be silent little robots these days. It is natural for boys to be rowdy, but they should be able to learn to not do this so they can learn. If the early intervention don't find anything wrong, I might consider no preschool until he is four. Let him mature some more. It isn't mandatory that kids go to preschool.

HI..be very careful about preschool teachers and their observations. I went thru a similiar situation..had them telling me my son had all sorts of mental issues/behavioral issues etc. Didn't go over very well with me. What I have discovered is my son is considered a highly sensitive child (great book on the subject) or another term is highly spirited. Which is just a way of saying they are smart, independent children who feel more than others and can react accordingly. They tried to label my son as ADHD because they couldn't get him to conform to everything they wanted him to do. Well, I went to The Children's Program and had him meet with a developmental pedatrician. He is none of the things the preschool tried to label him as (which gave me peace of mind and I was also able to have medical doctors backing up what I already knew about my son). My biggest suggestion - if you have any reservations, have him meet with a developmental pediatrican so you have some power. Don't let them try and tell you what your son is or isn't. What I found most interesting about the whole process is the DP said "people forget that children are personalities just like adults, only what is acceptable in an adult is never acceptable in a child because its easier to treat them like sheep and expect them to conform".

Some thoughts from a former preschool teacher (with masters degree in early childhood).....

in the field of early childhood ed, there is a huge range of what teachers know about child development. to be totally honest, at the better schools and centers, the staff will be more professional and knowledgeable, and at many places, esp. the more corporate ones who hire more entry level people, staff tends to be less knowledgeable and more likely to misinterpret behavior. Not knowing anything about your child's teacher, of course I couldn't say anything about that, but I am suspicious of the word "disobedient". Most professionals would not use that word with young children.

however, i wouldn't completely ignore what they said either. the fact is that there is some sort of problem, whether he has some developmental issues or whether this school is just not a good match for his personality. Either way, my advice would be to take him for a developmental "workup" or evaluation, that way you will have more information to make any decisions. (go to a developmental pediatrician or to the school district) You may find out that everything is hunky dory, or you may find out that he is, in fact, more "impulsive" and "excessive" than is developmentally typical at this age, and you can get help for that (which would probably make your job a little easier anyway, right?) either way, you've got nothing to lose. Then you can decide what is the right course for you and him after that.

Good luck!

probably 3 yr old boy being 3 yr old boy ... but most of society isn't set up to handle that piece of human reality well anymore, and unfortunately that includes some preschools. If a kid is "disobediant 80% of the time," what does that say about the expectations of the school?

However, an evaluation by the ECP is not a bad idea (esp. since it's free, right?), in case he is on the end of the "normal for boys" spectrum that includes significant sensory integration issues or anything like that ... they can give you good advice for how to help him neurologically integrate (which I mention because the kids I've seen act out most unpredictably/ "impulsively" are usually doing it because their brains are kind of overloading with too much input they can't file/process ... my oldest son was one of these). Seeing specialists of any flavor is very interesting and I always learn something by watching and listening, even if they have no particular diagnosis or solution to offer at the end of the evaluation.

You are, whether or not you do the recommended eval(s), about to embark up on a conversation with the schools regarding your son ... remember that you are his mom and you know him best and they only know him in theory, and don't be cowed by any of it. A boy's momma holds his emotional reality for him ... make sure you consciously walk in confidence of his intrinsic worth, because this will carry y'all through a lot.

My guess is that he is a 3 year old boy looking for attention as all 3 year olds do. They do it in different ways, depending on their personalities I think, but it's pretty amazing how turning 4 changes everything and they begin to mellow out! I think they are over-reacting a bit...you may want to ride it out until he turns 4, and if he doesn't make any progress, then maybe consider doing something further. Good luck to you!

Hi Kristen,
I've worked with children for 25 years. I must say that I am sometimes shocked that parents can't see what teachers can see. Many times children are sent to school LONG before they are ready. This is disruptive to the class and is frustrating for the child that isn't ready and the teacher.

I know a boy that has a March b'day and his parents waited until he was 6-1/2 to start him in kindergarten. He is a leader, excels in academics and sports, and is thriving. Contrast that to the child who is an August b'day and is put in K at barely 5 years old. Smallest in class, always trying to catch up with the other kids.

Why not get him tested? What if there are challenges? Why not find out?

My questions to you as a parent are:

1.What is his diet? How much fresh food does he get? Is his peanut butter full of junk? Is he eating boxed mac & cheese? Does he start the day with sugar cereal? One time I asked a child who constantly had challenges in class if he ate sugar cereal. He didn't know what sugar cereal was. But...his breakfast had been captain crunch and juice. A recipe for disaster filled with almost 40 grams of sugar and very little protein.

2. Does he have boundaries at home? What does he do for entertainment? Do you read to him or is he watching TV and playing video games all day?

3. Does he get adequate sleep? A child his age should be in bed by 7:30 at the latest. Lack of sleep impacts a child's behavior as much as a diet filled with junk food.

Best wishes to you and your boy. I hope you take the advice they gave and find out what you can do to give your son the tools to succeed in school and in life. Sometimes the things that are the hardest to hear can be the best thing that ever happened to us. I hope that you will someday be thanking the teacher and the observer for being honest with you and helping you to help your son.

~P. G.
US Preschool Directories

He might not be ready for a preschool yet at age three. He might need more unstructured playtime. There is a lot of learning in playing. He might be frustrated if the program is too structured. It is natural for him to want to play. It might be worth looking into a different school with a different approach, maybe more of a home style environment with a large outdoor play area. I would wait on testing him yet as he is so young.

There's been so much great advice, and I just want to add a few lines here. I know, as a teacher, that it is really,*really* difficult for most of us to have to discuss issues such as these with parents. I also know that, as a parent, I would be devastated to hear something like this too. Keeping both those things in mind, I would just encourage you to keep your childcare provider in the loop, and if you have issues with them, keep up with the director (if the director is a separate person).

My heart is with you--having to even consider going in for assessment is a huge heartache and worry. Keep cautiously optimistic and remember, there are a lot of great people out there who have chosen to work with children because they care deeply. Your son may be just fine, and as pointed out earlier, there may be a poor fit between those teachers and him. I would also venture to read between the lines and guess that these teachers are telling you pretty clearly that they are feeling like they are not able to meet your son's needs. This isn't necessarily about your son, but about their level of training and education. Speaking from my own experience, most of us want the very best for the children we care for, and sometime we know that we aren't necessarily who's best for the child. Hard on both sides. Sorry.