Please Help Me - San Francisco,CA

I was very shy to perform as a child, and so it my daughter. I loved dance class and so does she. She's very comfortable performing with her dance class, but other than that, she's not. There's a talent show at her school and she has no interest in performing for that. My daughter is in first grade, and behaved the same way when she was in kindergarten, although their only school performances have been with the entire class as a group, at assemblies, etc. I actually prefer that my daughter is this way. She has plenty of confidence when necessary, and I never want to push her into performing when she doesn't want to. As she gets older perhaps she will become more comfortable.

don't leap too eagerly to fix this for her. she's working out for herself the consequences to NOT pushing herself out of her comfort zone. be sympathetic and loving, but not dramatic. help her figure out how to help herself.
khairete
S.

Just encourage her to do what she is comfortable doing. Don't push her. Let her make the choice, no pressure. I'm sure it frustrates her. Eventually, she will probably get over it. If not, no big deal. Most people aren't performers on a stage in front of an audience. ;)

It's common. Practice performing at home. Have family be the audience. Then add a few friends and neighbors. You can also tell her that some professional actors get stage fright all the time but they put it aside and step out on a stage anyway. With practice and patience she'll get over it sooner or later.

I don't understand. They have a stage and formal performances in Kindergarten? I don't recall my daughter or my granddaughter ever being asked to perform. They did do presentations for open house, grandparent's day that sort of thing and all of the kids did something, most of them as a group. Sure, once in awhile there would be a little ham who would act on their own but it just seemed to come naturally.

You say she cries when she's not asked. Does she cry at school or at home? IF she's crying only at home, I'd take that as a clue to reassure her it doesn't matter to you. It sounds like she's sorry she disappointed you. If she cries at school talk with the teacher about it.

You cannot make your daughter happy all of the time. Perhaps this is one of those situations in which she'll learn how to handle her disappointment.

I'm also wondering why it's important that she perform, why is she upset? There are other kids in her class who are shy. Do they cry? Are they upset?

I'm thinking I just don't understand the circumstances in which she cries. In my experience, teachers encourage the shy ones to participate. Again I don't understand where a stage comes in. As children get older they do have talent shows and plays but the kids build up to those gradually over the first few years. I just cannot think of a time that a kindergarten student would have frequent opportunities to perform on stage. The kindergartners at my granddaughter's school sing as a group when there is an assembly at which students perform.

Definitely encourage her.. sometimes it also helps to get praise or encouragement from someone outside of the family.. maybe inform the teacher and see if she'll have a one on one conversation with your daughter about her special talent & offer words of encouragment and praise. A teacher's influence on a kid is incredible, I'm sure she'll be able to help.

I think it makes perfect sense. She may not want to perform, but she does want to be asked. To be asked is to be recognized and given attention from a very important person.
I wouldn't worry about the performance anxiety either. At their age I think what we think of as performance in front of family or friends is really more role playing. Performing in front of a large group of strangers is terrifying for most people and I wouldn't push her to do it.
My daughter is a total ham at home with karaoke, dress up, etc... but she won't speak or perform for a group at all. She's just not a "group" person and prefers to play with just 1-2 friends at a time.
I'm sure with some love and extra hugs her emotions will smooth out.

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A., when our children (all 5 f them) were in this stage we took them to our church and had them practice giving talks in the chapel with only afew people there. Generally on a Monday. This gave them a chance to hear their voice and to see that it can feel good and safe. Then we used the stage in the hall and each of us ( yes even mom who doesn't do these things) did something to entertain the family and friends. They got to see that not everyone is great at it , that the younger the kids are the cuter the things they do are and they learned that its all about the success of trying. Good Luck