Parenting Book Recommendation for 3 Year Old and Night Waking Problem

Although the problem behaviour with your daughter is different than it was with our son, the solution might be the same. Our son didn't have a sleep issue when his sister was born, but had other things - potty training regression, angry tantrums. He was 3.5 when his sister was born. Had been FULLY potty trained for 6 months, was generally and easy-going, really mellow kid. That changed for about 6 months after his sister was born. Started biting, hitting, yelling at teachers, having multiple accidents per day at school, etc. This lasted until he turned 4 (about 6 months after his sister was born). What was strange, was that he NEVER had bad behaviour around his sister. He's really sweet, protective, interested in her.
Our pediatrician said that it's not something kids do out of malicious attention seeking. It's their young brains' way of saying "I'm not getting as much attention as I used to - revert back to behaviour that you did when you got more attention". We tried sticker charts, lots of praise for good behaviour, time outs, taking toys away and earning them back, blah, blah, blah. Nothing helped. The ONLY thing that I felt really worked to break the string of bad behaviour for our son was to spend solely ONE-ON-ONE time with ME (MOM). I hadn't made the connection, since for about 2 months, we had help with the new baby, and my husband also stopped travelling for work. In my mind, our son should have felt like he had 3 times the adult attention as before. What my husband realized was that to my son - it meant going from having me ALL the time, to splitting me with husband, grandma AND new baby. He went from having my 100% attention to having 25% of my attention. Now, we try to do one on one time for a solid 1/2 hour at night before bedtime as many nights as possible (at least 3x/week). This is separate from our usual bedtime routine. We'll do a puzzle, play a game, practice letters, do stickers - but always just him and me. We spend a lot of time talking about his favorite things that day, his feelings, exciting things he learned. We also try to spend an afternoon together one on one 1x/week. Sometimes it's just going for a walk, or going to the park, or playing in the backyard. What's important is that you isolate some time when your attention is completely focused on your older daughter. Baby and Dad do something else - go for a walk, do their own thing. Doing this almost immediately stopped the behaviour we were trying to avoid. And it was amazing - one weekend I had to work and I didn't get to see my son - Monday morning, he had 3 accidents at preschool. We did some one-on-one time that evening, and no accidents for the rest of the MONTH.
The one on one time worked really powerfully for us, and it was surprising to me how quickly he responded. Hope this helps! Good luck!

Book: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. A lot of parents here swear by it. I have not personally used it but it comes up here over and over and has been around a while, and I know other moms who had success with it. The second half-- how to listen -- is left out of a lot of parenting books, I think!

Sleep: Please consider whether you're being completely realistic about her age and your expectations for her nighttime behavior. You are very tired right now with a baby and that's probably making you really wish for her to behave in ways for which she is just not developmentally ready.

The key phrase in your post was: "She has a four-month-old sister who has rocked her world." That came at the very end of the post, but do you see that it's the most important statement in all that you wrote? She is still very young and now has to share the attention and yes, that does feed into the night wakings. She probably feels insecure right now because...the baby is rocking her world. She needs to know that day or night, you answer her needs. I'm not saying that "answer her needs" means to let her into your bed, since you're against that.

For an older child a sticker chart with rewards could be fine, but at her age -in the dark of night, when she's distressed and seeking you out -- a sticker chart won't mean anything to her. She can say by daylight, "Yes, mommy, I understand, I want the sticker," but in the night, she's pure emotion and neediness; the sticker chart will be pretty meaningless to her in terms of stopping her getting up at 3 a.m. (The two days that it "worked" might actually have been due to her being tired or having a better sleep cycle those nights, not to her waking in the dark and remembering the stickers, no matter what she told you the next day. Kids this age say what mom wants to hear and they want to please, so she probably said, yes, I stayed in bed because of the stickers.)

You already realize that she wants attention; so don't give it in the night -- but don't ignore her either (you already know you can't do that or she'll yell and wake the baby....). She comes into your room? Walk her back to her room silently -- don't talk or engage her or tell her she's not behaving, just get up, walk her to her room and her bed, and leave. (If you scold her, that's negative attention -- deny even that; zero attention other than walking her back.) She will get up and follow you -- expect it and be ready to deal with it. You may have to repeat this many times in one night, or many nights, but she eventually will learn that coming to you means she gets -- nothing but a return to bed. At the very most, you could say quietly and only once, "Nighttime is for bed."

Repeating the silent return is tedious for you but will teach her over time. It will wear thin for her, but it will take time for that to happen, and it will be tied in to how secure she feels with you the rest of the time; expect her to be restless for a while to come as she adjusts to the baby (and four months is not nearly enough time that she should have adjusted already).

It's possible someone will post here that you should lock her door, or your door, etc., but please don't. That will backfire. She will figure that you have pretty much disappeared and are not there if she is really distressed -- which will increase her sense of being insecure by night and by day too. She should be able to come to you (you want her to feel that way if she has a nightmare or feels sick in the night, I'm sure) but she must learn -- gradually and with recognition of her age and stage -- that she does not HAVE to come to you to feel secure.

Patience in this stage is hard when you're tired but if you lock her out you will end up with the yelling you don't want. The non-interactive return to bed is not fun for the adults but is the only way I know to show a child at this age that while the parents are there, the appropriate place to be at night is in bed and getting up does not bring any rewards of talking to or sleeping with mom and dad.

Be consistent, remind her in the night when she wakes you that she won't be getting the sticker and then take her back to her bed and maybe try a night light as well.As for the power play with her don't get upset just simply say " you know that you have to sleep in your room and now I can't give you the reward sticker and then if she cries then she must have her door closed so she doesn't wake everybody up" make sure you don't say " wake up sister" she may have some jealousy and that may make it worse. Most importantly BE CONSISTENT with whatever you do. She will eventually learn to stay in her own bed.

Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems.. Dr. Richard Ferber
http://www.amazon.com/Solve-Your-Childs-Sleep-Problems/dp...

Helped us a ton and my friends as well. Patience is the key.....it'll pass in time. Please remember that she is still very young and may be acting out because of her new baby sister. Lean on the side of loving kindness, she'll benefit greatly and you will have no regrets nor guilt.

As far as the post about giving your child Cal Mag.....I wouldn't recommend (very controversial). Why rely on supplements for a toddler when you can attain your hopes naturally. Please be careful.

I recommend Dr Sears Discipline Book. It covers the healthy communication, sleep issues.. all of that. You can also gets tons of gret advice from him here:

(especially scroll down to the link 25 ways to talk so children will listen)
http://askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior

and sleep issues:
http://askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/sleep-problems

When my boys did this about this attention for sleep.. we were sure to give them extra cuddle and story time when putting them down. Then, we they continually called for us or came in our room, we didn't allow that or give in to them unless it was absolutely necessary, of course. The new baby likely has her seeking extra attention, so have her be a big helper during the day with you and the baby... it should help.

Kids don't wake in the middle of the night because they need attention. They do other things for an attention.

We use liquid CalMag, so they sleep better and helps during growth spurts. We use Bluebonnett liquid calmag - only the blueberry flavor goes over well.

Our son had night terrors at that age....we gave him calcium before bed and told him he was safe. They decreased with the calcium and finally, pretty much, went away. Once in a while he'll wake up startled....but we have 4 kids, so we GET the need for sleep. LOL

Babywise.

Whole series of easy to read books - including this age.

To answer your first question, three can be a tough age. They do push and push and push - creatively. I found w/ my strong willed little one it helped to find some things she felt she could choose or control. What to wear maybe, or if she wanted 2 or 3 bedtime stories. Then with the other issues where she needed to listen, just remain calm and repeat and be consistent.

As far as sleeping goes. I can't wait to see your responses. I work outside the home, and when my kids (3.5 and 5) want me at night - I just can't say no to "Mommy, cuddle me". So I don't. They go to bed pretty well - then some nights (4 of 5) I end up in my daughter's room... and my son joins us 1/2 the time. I tried sticker charts with limited success. I have just choosen to cherish the time (and sleep later : )

Best of luck!

"You Can't Make Me (but I can be persuaded)" by Cynthia Tobias. The woman is a GENIUS with strong willed children. This book completely transformed my relationship with my strong willed 4 year old daughter. She gives you concrete examples and specific tools so that each of you get what you want out of each interaction. Everybody wins, so everybody's happy! I cannot recommend it highly enough!

Best of luck to you and your precious girl!!

So much of your post reminds me of my 3.5 year old daughter. She, like yours, is a sweet girl. But getting her to sleep has ALWAYS been so hard. She wakes up almost every night asking me to come in with her. I also have a 10 month old son who is up a few times each night. Like your daughter, mine will scream and cry if I try to calm her down without staying... I've found it's easier to just lay with her. She's never come into my bed either (not that I would mind that...I just have always gone into her bed rather than her come to mine, not sure why).. so I've just realized that I really don't mind laying with her, it's kind of sweet and I just tell myself these days will be over in the blink of an eye. It's just hard with my son because I often toggle between going into his room and back to hers all night (as is probably the case with you too since you have a 4 month old)... so I'm sorry I'm not actually helping with offering a book. Just letting you know you are certainly not alone.

I feel ya! We have been going through something similar with our daughter, who will be four in April. Moreover, I've seen a lot of similar stories lately on other parenting sites. Leading me toward thinking this may be a phase related to their growing independence and how they ma or may not embrace that at any given moment.

Second to that, but very important, is that you have a new baby. We definitely experienced waves of behavioral changes surrounding the birth of our youngest. My preference in dealing with them was to not make a huge deal (not easy and I was not always successful... when I failed, the problems were exacerbated 100% of the time) and to show our older daughter both that her way of handling things would not be tolerated, but also that we love her very much. So, if she acted out, I would tell her that she cannot do whatever it was. Then I would say something like, "I think you might need some extra love. Come here. I would pick her up and snuggle her or rock her in her room. Once we were both soothed, I talked gently to her about what she did wrong, how she could do it another way next time and that I knew how smart she was and that she could learn this.

The whole manner of doing things like this goes against my nature (shocking, I know, LOL, but I tend to be more of a my way or the highway kinda girl), but when I was successful, it worked. One thing I've heard people say is that being loving at the same time as being corrective or instructional sends mixed messages. I can see how that is entirely possible. I think the key to what I've been doing is that I am addressing the problem and an underlying cause.

Regarding *your* sleep issue. As hard as it was for me to do, I *had* to ask my husband to intervene 1-2 nights a week until things settled down. Does he work hard and rise very early? Yes. He leaves for work at 4:15 every morning unless he needs to go in early. So I tried to reserve those requests for Friday or Saturday nights. Even that little bit helped a lot. Heck, just knowing that he would be willing to help if I really needed him was often enough to just get through that minute (because I was starting to resent him along with my sleep interrupters).

The bottom line is that you are both parents. If he is working outside the home and you are working inside it, one of you is getting a break and the other is not. It *is* fair to ask him to help when you need him.

Best wishes.