Parent Night at School

The RSVP was probably just so they could get an overall idea of who was coming. He definitely should have told you about it, but given that you are divorced, communication probably wasn't a strong suit of the relationship... ;-)

You know that you matter to your daughter. The fact that she remembered to mention it to you proves that. It doesn't matter what the girlfriend does or says, or even how she reacts at the gathering. You know. Your daughter knows.Go, enjoy your daughter's moment, and try to ignore the background distractions.

M.

I just wanted to send you some positive vibes. As a child of divorce myself, I can tell you the situation is not fun and it's especially worse when the parents can't be civil to each other so I'm glad you guys try to be. For the longest time my mom has been very competitive about everything and it isn't even with just my dad and stepmom, she is like that with my in-laws too. Funny thing is, it usually isn't a big deal because my in-laws aren't around much and my dad has never grown up himself so he isn't always around. My stepmom started out as a very loving lady but as time has gone on, she has changed and I have become disappointed in both of them. I haven't talked to my dad and stepmom in 2 years next month actually. :( Having said that, I think it should make you happy that your ex is still being a responsible, involved father as mine rarely ever went to anything school related even when my parents were still married!!

I COMPLETELY get what you are saying though as I know I would not want to see my husband with a new family but that would be my own issue and feeling of loss. Unfortunately, this parent night is just one of many more events in your daughter's life where it sounds like this woman is going to be present so I'm not sure what you are asking. It would be wrong of you to ask that this woman not come when she has been in your daughter's life for as long as your daughter can probably remember. They are getting married...they have a family of their own. If she were just some new girlfriend of the year or something, then I'd be more inclined to say it would be worth asking perhaps but not giving your ex's relationship. I'm afraid it's just going to have to be one more test of your strength and hopefully as the even bigger events come up like graduations and proms and weddings and births that by then you will have embraced your strength and you guys will have grown into one large family so to speak.

L., When I was growing up my mom and dad divorced when I was 7. The first two years were awful for all involved. My dad had a new girlfriend which he married right away. She loved us kids. My mom did not want her anywhere. literally. She wanted my dad to see us but not have a wife/ family etc. My dad married and divorced my stepmom 4 times over the next 25 years lol. But during that time regardless of where in life they were as a couple she loved us kids. My dad died 15 years ago but I am as close to my stepmom as I am my mom. It still to this day makes her jealous. I am sorry for that. But I can tell you that a kid who is loved and knows she is loved is much better off than a kid who is fought over. Like I said earlier the first two years were awful. But after that they worked it out. my mom got a new husband and things went smoother. they managed to get a pretty radical plan down lol. we had birthdays at both houses thanksgiving was at my moms and my dad and his wife and sometimes her parents always came. christmas was at my dads and my mom and her husband came. weddings for me and all my siblings were great. now my dad is gone and when there is something going on my mom or stepmom will call each other and say want to be my date lol. it will get easier for you as your daughter gets older. and it will work out with the girlfriend. just keep doing what your doing and keep being civil it will smooth out

Well first to say if the dad put 3 and didnt even discuss it with you you are not really paranoid or over sensitive. On the other hand you need to understand that this girl will be part of your daughter's life and yoru ex's life unless he breaks up with her. Accept that and move on. You might want to contact the teacher and explain sometimes you do not get the information about dates etc because of the twohouse holds. Maybe the teacher will email them, or have the teacher list them in her agenda so you know as well.

As a child of divorse myself, I can tell you that you have a right to all of your FEELINGS, but you need to continue what you are doing, which is be civil to her, never say bad things about her to your daughter, and move on. She is a part of your daughter's life whether you like it or not. Unless she is ever mean to your daughter, you have to keep quiet and allow her to be a part of her life. Sucks, I know, but as long as she is kind to your daughter, it's important that your daughter has positive adult influences in her life. Your ex was wrong not to tell you about the notice that was sent home, but maybe he thought you already knew about it? Speak with the teacher and ask if she can please try and remember to send home 2 noticed or email you for future events

I think I understand what you are feeling.

We can look at it this way: He filled in "3" because he knew you were going to go and was actually doing the correct thing by rsvping promptly.
But his communication skills need to be improved. You guys need to be on the same page with school information!

As for your questions of "would I feel better if I were taking someone?" "would my daughter want him to go?" They are really irrelevant right now. Just deal with the situation at hand. You don't say whether they live together or not--I will assume they do. So I also assume you ex's girlfriend does some care-giving for your daughter and is almost like a step mom. In that case, I don't think it's out of line for her to go. I think you need to get used to the idea that this woman is going to be around for a few years.

I hope they get married and your daughter can actually give a title to this woman who lives with her dad and has made a baby with him. That would be the best case scenario.
You are doing the right thing for your daughter. Go and be "civil and polite." Maybe if you talk the talk long enough, you'll both start to walk the walk. It's in your daughter's best interest, after all.

Your daughter is a very luck girl to have such a SECURE and wonderful mom. It takes a secure person to sometimes take a back seat when their child is involved. I grew up in divorce and it was quite the opposite. I swore if I ever became divorced (which I did many years ago) I would never put my child in the middle. So Kudos to you. I think in this situation I would ask the teacher if possible she could make two copies when parent involvement is required. You do not have to give her the particulars just tell her that sometimes notes are not forwarded to you when dad picks up and that you would hate to miss anything concerning your daughter. I would also tell dad that you have never left him out of the loop with concerns for your daughter. You have always been respectful of him as her dad and you would appreciate the same courtesy. You seem like a very calm, civil, person, which is a true gift for your daughter in this situation. Give yourself a pat on the back!!!!

First of all make sure from now on the school sends all correspondence to both you and your ex-husband. Schools do this all of the time now. I was hoping you would say her wrote down 3 because he had included you, but just forgot to tell you.. A 1 year old sits in a parents lap so why would they include the infant in the RSVP?

I understand that you feel insecure and alone in these situations, but remember that is your choice. You can feel good about the fact that you love your daughter and she is obviously very sweet and very intelligent.
You do not need another person to make yourself feel good about yourself, only you can do that.

You will never be able to change this girlfriend/new wife, so figure out what it is you need and let her know. I know this is easier said than done, but as a child of a terrible divorce, use your daughter as your inspiration for getting along and always taking the "high road.".

Approach her with thanking her for being so devoted and dedicated to your daughter and then lead into, "may I ask your for your help with".. .. Let her know the 3 of you are now going to be a team, so it would make it easier if you all could keep an open communication about all thing with your daughter,. Let her know you will do the same for them. Then the 3 of you need to figure out a way this communication will work for each of you.. Texting, email? What is the best way to keep each other informed.

Decide how you want to be informed about emergencies, accidents, school related events, teacher conferences etc.. Make sure that you all are clear and encourage everyone to share anything you think the other person may want to know even if you do not really care, always thank them for any info they share with you. ..

Remember now that they have a sibling for your child, the stepmom will always be in your daughters life.

I am sending you strength and patience..