Panicing About New Baby...

Song for a Fifth Child

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth
empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
hang out the washing and butter the bread,
sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
and out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
but I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren't her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
for children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

As far as raising two kids goes, you will grow with your situation every step of the way (and every kid thereafter!) At first you will feel guilty because baby gets all of your attention and Emme gets to watch tv all day, spends all day in her pj's, etc. You will probably cry and cry, only to find out that she is thrilled about having an all day slumber party! You will have a few rough days, but in general you will probably surprise yourself at how well you'll adapt. What's funny is when my parents say "I dont' know how you do it", and I think, 'didn't you raise kids just a few years ago?'

The dishes will be right there waiting for you WHEN YOU GET TO THEM! :) Check out www.flylady.net. This is a wonderful free website that you sign up for, and you get daily e-mails helping you keep your home in order, without spending the entire day doing housework. It is extremely helpful!!

Best of luck to you--trust in God, you are a wonderful mom!

What about hiring a sitter to come in a few hours a day (maybe 2 times a week) to help you with the kids? Then you could do your housework and run errands and have a little time to yourself?

Wow, incredible responses. This forum is wonderful. Just wanted to agree with what everyone said........remember, this time is special and the most important thing in the world is loving your babies and your husband, the rest is just details. It sounds to me like you're nesting, too!! Good luck to you and hopefully all supermoms can work on relaxing and enjoying the blessings that are their babies instead of worrying about things like dishes. As they say, no one is on their death bed wishing they had spent more time cleaning....

First of all, you are not the only one to experience these feelings...I think it's natural for all moms to panic at one time or the other!! Here's my humble opinion. Ask your mil and mom for help when the baby comes. It's great to have them take your oldest for a while. It makes your oldest feel special and gives you a little time to regroup. Or, have them come over for a couple hours during the day so you can get some things done. My mil and mom would come and play with the oldest and hold the baby so I could do laundry, clean, ect. They would have been happy to do all of that for me but I couldn't let go of that much control (ha ha). Your mom and mil cherish this time with these littles ones. My mom always tells me not to feel guilty for asking for help because babies grow up so quickly and she wants to have as much time as them as she can. As for the issue about being a sahm and the cleaning, cooking thing. I felt the same way, at first. But after having 3 children now I had to find a balance between housework and childcare. I'm betting your husband is just grateful to have you home raising your children and the other issues that you have with cleaning, cooking and being dressed are not even issues for him. It might be a little hard to do but realize that the house isn't always going to be clean and laundry isn't always going to be done - especially with 2 little ones at home. The important thing is for you to enjoy this time at home with them while they're little - there will be plenty of time for housework later. Good luck to you with the baby. Once she gets here it will all fall into place. Oh, one more thing. Use your parents to have a date night once in a while too!!

I'm a SAHM too, and when I was working full time, the house was never clean. Now I consider taking care of my daughter my full time job. So the house is never clean. I get the dust bunnies when they crawl out from under the furniture ;) I grew up in a very clean house, and I know that when my family comes to our house, they think I should do better, but I don't remember my mom reading to us or playing with us. I would rather my kid remembers spending time with mom than remembers that the house was clean. Good luck to you and take it easy on yourself. Let your hubby take on some chores. Let your family help. And let yourself enjoy the kids.

B. honey I agree with the other moms, you are doing great as a mother and a wife, you mentioned your husband doesn't mind helping. Oh please let him, yes they work very hard all day at work, but sweaty you are working just as hard at home raising your little girl and taking care of all house hold needs. I know some guys wont agree with that saying we have it easy at home but I also now some that agree its not easy if any just more stressful. You really need to ask for little help, sit back with your feet up. The way you speak of your husband show him your message you are asking us, he will probale agree with what the other moms say. He knows you work very hard to make things perfect for your lifes I am sure he will understand what you are feeling.
I can't say I have ever felt I had to have all done, I have certain days I do certain things around the house so I dont feel like I am always doing house work all day. You think about all that us moms has advised for you, relax the day wont end if there is a dirty dish in the sink or make up not on your face. Throw some pj's on, skip the make up and order pizza, sit back with your husband and little daughter and watch a good disney movie it will be good for all three of you to enjoy an evening doing absolutly nothing...

Hi B., I read what you wrote, and I feel I had to say something...Relax, many moms, probably most of us have been through what you are going through. It is not easy at all, but you are doing a great job as mom and as spouse, now you have to do a fantastic job by taking care of yourself. If you are OK and you feel good. healthy and happy, all your family around you will be happy and basically healthy specially your kids..your baby on the way what it is the most important thing right now.
With my first baby, most of the things were D. as I planned and as I wanted them to be, I am very picky and I like to take care of every detail at home, cleaning, kids, spouse and so forth...I had my two sisters helping me after my 1st baby was born (now 8 years old, and with the second as well-2 years old)However, after the second one was born..I could not do anything the way I wanted, it was terrible for me and very frustrating to let things messy or undone sometimes. I always had my sisters and my husband giving me a hand with the chores and the babies, and I felt bad about it, but finally I learned that there is a moment for everything and the main thing is taking care of myself to be healthy and relaxed to raise and nurture my kids and keep my husband happy. I learned that I had to let the people who loves me to help me. I learned that not always things are D. the way I like, but it helps specially with 2 kids..So, now forget that things will be the way are now..there will be messy times, dinner different as it used to be, laundry undone sometimes or dishes piled up because you need a little nap...Reality is that things CHANGE and it is very important adapt to this change..then with the passing of time you will learn to organize and plan and be practical with your kids and live in a different way. So..relax, be thankful that you have a wonderful husband who likes to help you and understands you so much...
take care,

Alejandra

Good Morning B., Congratulations on your up coming little Ellie. I love both names. Your in the antsy stage of being preggers, want it over with ;) We all did too!
Sounds like your progressing right along though 2cm and 50%. Keep walking maybe will move along quicker.

B. my mom was like that also, washing and ironing on Friday, total house cleaning daily. Dinner on the table by 6, kitchen cleaned right after. No dishwashers then. Except ME ;)
Mom is on her 3rd marriage, this one though is 43 yrs.

B. I tried to be like Mom,and realized it just wasn't going to happen. When I was 10 my sister was born we have a brother in between us. Mom went back to work when I was 13, I had to take care of the house before school and after with watching my sib's at the same time. She expected dinner to be started and homework started or completed before she got home. You've seen people sweep it under the rug? I would grab the broom and sweep it out the door, Vac was so heavey and cumbersome.

My mom was not a encouraging personality. So my self esteem suffered alot growning up.
When I married at 19 almost 20 she told me I would never make it as a housekeeper or wife. Well we just had our 37th Anniversary yesterday May 21. then I would never be a good mother. Raised 2 son's ( 33 & 31 ) sometimes alone when hubby went to school at night after work for several yrs.

But all that stuff stuck with me. Every mothers day I would get depressed thinking I wasn't worthy to be called a mom.
I always kept my mothers home tidy and clean but mine, would go to wreck and ruin really quick. It was a type of rebellion for me I think, or some one of having my own control.
My hubby never complained, if he knew I was getting over whelmed he never said Can I help you, he just jumped right in and helped. Then I felt guilty that I hadn't taken care of everything. He still does, says he enjoys the time we have together doing stuff. He does laundry quicker then I do and is good at it. Only had one load of Pink stuff in 37 yrs. ;)

We can't always do it alone B. unless we're wonder woman or supermom. With two small ones it will be more hectic but alot of wonderful memories. Whats more important? Having your children remember mom played with them, took them to the park to play, to the zoo or a library or cleaned the house instead every day. The only time I can remember mom really doing anything with me was on the Friday evenings after school while she ironed I sat in a chair and read my library books to her out loud. We didn't bake or sew, or get on the floor and play. I determined I wasn't going to be that kind of Mom and Believe me I am NOT.

The Stuff will keep and let hubby help out if he enjoys it. Leave the guilt at the door it only gets heavier when you bring it with you.

Enjoy your babies they grow up way to fast.
"If God brought you to it, He will bring you through it"
Not a supermom but a very good and loving one.
K. aka Nana to 5 gr kids.

Sounds like you are nesting...most women do this when it is close to the time of delivery. You are very normal in your feelings about having two. Ours are 14 months apart and I had the same feelings. You will have no problem loving two and getting stuff done. Eventually you'll get into a routine and you'll wonder how you ever did it before.
As for your family coming in town. Is this couple not willing to stay in a hotel? If they are insistant in staying with you then please let them know/or have another family member mention it to them, that you would like help with the children and things around the house while they are there. Since you will have new baby AND a toddler AND guests on top of that, it can get hectic. If they aren't willing to help out then talk to other family members about chipping in for a hotel for this couple. You will be so exhausted to begin with and then to entertain on top of that. It's just not right.
Please don't stress over it though, God does have a plan, as you said yourself. Good luck and God bless.

the sitter idea is a good one...i was just going to leave my words of comfort about the first part of your problem (it sounds like the family isn't helping much for a nice "relaxing" atmosphere in which to have a baby!) but then i got to the S. part of your problem and my head started spinning! lol. you poor thing. i myself have never suffered from a need to have everything perfect...but you're right, you're setting yourself up for failure. try to relax and maybe get some help. don't be too h*** o* yourself - especially at first, adding another child is difficult! you're rearranging your whole life. just take a deep breath. it'll be okay!

Remember, if you are taking care of yourself you'll be a better mom. I think that means that you should nap when the baby naps, take time to feed yourself, do something nice for yourself, take care of the baby and your older daughter, and then get the housework done. You'll be much happier. That means the kids will be happier and your husband will be happy too.

My first six months with my second child were really hard. If you know this is a possibility and you don't expect much (as in don't expect the laundry to be done, the house spotless, etc.) you'll be happier. Maybe remind your hubby that these things might not be done. Ask for help and accept it whenever someone offers. It's hard enough to add a baby to the house without trying to do everything yourself.

My friend reminded me that my second child was born into a different family than the first. You won't have time to ooooh and aaah over every little move the baby makes like you did with your first. However, you'll love them both the same. Now I have 4 kids, my house is cluttered, and there's no such thing as being done with laundry. I'm doing well if everyone has something clean to wear on any given day. I get frustrated, but I just can't keep up with it all, but if I know I'm focused more on the kids than the house, I seem to think it's all ok.

First take a deep breath, inhale slowly and exhale slowly. Do this a few times. I had a similar conversation with my cousin who is due with her first in July. She spent a lot of time with us when my sons were young, (now 14,17,21). She said her memories of her mother were always I can't do that with you right now because I have to clean, do dishes...so on. She does not remember even sitting down to read a book with her Mom. She does remember her mother giving her a list of chores to finish before she could do anything else. Then she fondly remembers our house-definitly not as clean(dust bunnies get back to the hiding spot)HA HA but we would sit down and do things together, read a book, watch a movie cook something together. What ever we did we did together. She said she wants to have those memories with her child(ren). My suggestion to any new mother, your children are only young once and they grow up so fast that if you spend all of your time stressing over how clean the house is or dinner is not finished when your hubby gets home you will miss out on so much childhood and the kids won't remember all the good times that you could be having. We have used the 5 minute pick up right before anyone came in or just through out the day to clean up. We got different baskets for different things.We used plastic milk crate style and plastic med/large with small holes, some wicker style baskets. For large things even a laundry basket. Some of the things were always kept in these baskets/containers like legos, matchbox size cars, crayons, etc...We would guess how many 5 minute clean ups we would need to clean every thing up then set the timer for 5 mins and try to clean up as fast as you can. RULES: Every one helps, no throwing, no running and you have to pick up as fast as you can. We would also sing the clean up song from Barney the Dinosaur. As far as the other things getting cleaned find a system of short clean ups that you can incorpaorate into your day, I always start a load of laundry in the morning, I never leave my dryer unattended( won't leave the house)because we had a dryer catch fire, thank God we were home and cought it in time. In the bathroom I keep the pull up wipes for bathroom cleaning and wipe the toilet and sink either before or after I take a shower. When the kids were small and active I used disposable plates and silver ware during the day so clean up was easier and real plates in the evening. Now we have a dishwasher so I just make sure it gets cleaned out in the AM and then just rinse and load all day till its full then run it. I hope this helps.

Calm down and take a deep breath. Guess what? The housework will NEVER be done! There will always be something to do. Relax and enjoy your babies. Doesn't it seem like your two year old was born last week? It goes by too fast, so slow down, look around, and enjoy NOW.

Then read Paula H's post again.

One lady that seems to have it all together in a realistic way is the FLYlady! Check her out: http://www.flylady.net/ Her big thing is to do something for 15 minutes at a time. She teaches multitudes (FOR FREE) how to get organized and live without the guilt of having to have everything perfect.

Blessings to you!

Hi Brittany,
I am a 33 yr. old SAHM Mom of FIVE! (Four girls and the youngest a boy) First, let me say once you see your little girls looking up at you, it won't matter if anyone else is there! Look back at your fist baby being born. Did you feel that anxiety and then she was born and there was that moment that stood still where nothing else in the world mattered? I remember the anxiety and fear that comes with every pregnancy. It's enough to make you scream.. So many what if's and will I be able to's!

In my first marriage I too was Super Wife and Mom, you could eat off of my floors and have dessert in the corner of the baseboards. My ex. however was hopefully more controlling and less understanding than yours is. The secret I have found in a healthy relationship, as I have found in my second and forever more marriage is communication! Because let me tell you, when that beautiful little Ellie comes along, Your brain seems to split into two and if you don't start talking to your husband about the help you need at home then you might crack! You might be surprised to find that his willingness to help. You see when most men go to work, their job is laid out for them, then they come home and they are off the clock. Woman (Mom's) Don't have a punch clock, they are on the clock 24/7 So in reality You are working more than him only you don't get that lovely little paycheck at the end!

Start small.. Ask him if he can think of something he can do around the house to help. My husband and I take turns on the weekend sleeping in. (That realllllly helps!) We also take turns putting the little ones to bed (That also gives him that one on one time with them) He takes the dog out everyday, takes the trash out everyday and then to the curb each week. He would do more if I ask him to but I am working into this whole letting go of control on how my house runs too!

You have an opportunity here with talking to him right now and getting him to help, because if he thinks you're irrational, you can blame it on pregnancy and hormones!

If there is one thing I have learned in my life is this... Do you want your girls to be just like you? Or do you want them to take what you have taught them and improve on that? I don't mean become more perfect but become more themselves.. Your husband may be happy to hear that you don't don't want to be like your mom.. and I guarantee if your mom was truly honest with you she would tell you that on the inside she is screaming trying to pull off perfect! and do you really want to go through three marriages till you finally become your own woman?

This is an opportunity to break the chain of perfect on the outside and screaming on the inside and let your girls know it's ok to be, well just who they are!

Good Luck!

WOOO! You ned to take a breather....before you cause more harm than good. Your NOT a failure because you don't have EVERYTHING done & in it's place....your pregnant remember! Your husband will appreciate you & all your efforts. ASK for the help & your right why listen to your mom because we're not back in the good ol' days anymore. It's NOT easy being a parent, wife, housekeeper, cook, & what ever else it requires of us. Cut yourself some slack & relax. Good luck & God Bless!

Dear Britanny, By allowing some of your loving family to help you at this special time, you will make them feel closer to you & like they are appreciated & needed.A perfectionist sometimes is a lonely person.Trust me I found out that to my sorrow. Cherish the time it gives you to just be with these folks...Congratulations on being brave enough to be a Mother these days. Love, Great Grandma

Are we the same woman?! I feel the same way, I've always had a job and now I stay at home with our 12 month old. ANd my mom was kinda the same way, and I get the unreasonable guilt about doing "my part" all the time. Let me tell you (as I tell myself 100 times a day) Its you, and only you, who thinks that. My husband has no problem helping with anything that I ask either but I too feel it should all be done by the time he gets home-sometimes I seriously panick about it around the time he comes home. Just relax! Talk to your dr about it and maybe he can prescribe you something bc once you've given birth, there will be more things (that are FAR more important than laundry, etc) to deal with. And if you don't want company, just be honest-that time is for you and your baby and your husband and daughter to bond. I always remind myself (seriously, i have sticky notes!) that I want my husband and child (ren) to remember how I smiled an played and laughed with them.... not that the house was "just so" all the time. Plus, I could (and I'm sure you can remember) the stress you're mom felt-your kid can feel it! One of my favorite quotes is something like "people may not always remember what you wore or what you said but they will always remember how you made them feel" Good luck and congrats on another baby girl! Don't panick! Make a physical list of your priorities and look at it often. Keeps things in perspective-I'm sure you're a wonderful wife and parent :)

SIMPLE SOLUTION: let your husband & Moms read your request in this forum! It sounds as if you already have the support that ALL Moms need/wish for.....so use it!
Relax, stop making yourself crazy, & enjoy the last few weeks with having just your firstborn.
Wishing you a speedy & safe delivery!

Sounds like you have a lot of people wanting to help. Try to think of it from their sides. This is the way that these folks can participate in your big family event. They can't really "do" anything else except provide some emotional support. If you let them do things for you and be there with you, they will feel like they belong and can enjoy you and the new baby.

I panicked right before I had my second child, too, and I'm sure it doesn't feel like it right now, but everything will be ok and you'll get used to doing with two just like you did with one. Two will also make your husband and relatives feel closer because one can watch one child while you deal with the other one.

Enjoy yourself!

Hi B.. I am also going through some of the anxiety you are with expecting my next at the end of June. My first is 17 months old. I always had everything in place and cleanedup with dinner on the table until I had my first (Terra). I honestly just had to compromise with myself about just doing my cleaning during naptime and limiting myself to cleanig for just one half to one hour a day and letting some clutter go(like toys on the floor or my messy desk...) and focus on places that really matter to me. Honestly, if you have family that is willing to help take the help!! You may especially need it when baby 2 decides to make her way into the world! Good luck with everything!

If you truly believe that God's timing is "perfect", put your baby's birthday in his hands and don't put yourself through an unnecessary induction. Your baby should come when she's ready. Don't sweat the visitors...let someone else handle that for you. It sounds like handing that control over to someone else is difficult for you and that's something you need to let go of now that you'll have 2 little ones to care for. Talk with your husband about your feelings of wanting everything to be "just right" for him when he gets home. He sounds like a very supportive guy who's willing to do his share... and that's what it is. You're partners and he's capable of helping out. If talking with him doesn't reassure you and you still have this anxiety over being able to be Supermom, maybe it would help to talk to a counselor or even your OB about these feelings. It's important to let them go. 2 babies is a whole other ballpark from just 1 and you're going to need help and support and you're going to have to give yourself a break. You deserve to sit back and enjoy that baby and watch your kids grow up. When they are grown, they're going to remember the time you spent with them way more than they're going to remember whether or not the house was clean. Good luck!

B.,

What you are feeling is totally natural. The anxiety about when Ellie will arrive, being the perfect wife and mother, being the perfect homemaker...it's all natural. I am a SAHM to four wonderful (and energetic) kids...a 9 y/o son, Geoffrey; a 6 y/o daughter, Emma; a 4 y/o son, Zach and a 1 y/o daughter, Molly...and I have the same feelings you do. I have this mentality that if I don't do whatever needs to be done (laundry, dishes, etc.) then it's not getting done right.

The best advice I've yet to receive is that my house didn't get messy in one day, don't expect to get everything spotless in one day. Pace yourself. Once Ellie is born she will take up a good amount of your time and Emme will need to know that mommy is still there and loves her just as much as Ellie. And if something isn't done at the end of the day, do it in the morning. Do get yourself and the girls ready for the day because I've found I have more energy if I get the kids and myself ready for the day. Also, your husband sounds very understanding and I don't believe he'll resent you if he has to do a couple of things around the house.

Good luck and God Bless you and your beautiful family!

B.,

I would start by printing your request and handing it to your husband.

When I was enjoying my 3 month old first son I found out I was pregnant with #2 son. But you know - a person can only do so much. You have to let go of "control" of eveything. Because that's what your trying to do. Control. That may be why mom is on #4. We can't control it all. I would try to time my oldest sons naps with the new baby. I would lay down in the floor between their beds and make breathing sounds like I was sleeping. They would fall asleep. And then I would leave for some time to myself.

But to be perfectly honest I felt tired alot.

Repeat after me darling... I can only do what I can do. The rest will be there when I get to it.

It's a good thing to practice so your childrens lives don't pass before your eyes without you spending reeeeeaaal quality time with them playing instead of cleaning all day.

God Bless,
L.

It may help you to remember that it isn't what you do that makes you who you are.

In regard to your doctor not inducing before 39 weeks: I must warn you that I am a strong supporter of natural childbirth. It is much, much more likely that you will have to have a C-section if you are induced. In that situation, you will not have any option but to ask others to help you out around the house, for at least 6 weeks. Maybe you'll get lucky as you did with your first...and maybe not.

B. - no one can say it enough - take care of yourself. As someone else suggested have your husband and mother inlaw read this. You explain it so well. But the best advice I can give you is to call a group - Mother To Mother - the give phone and group suppost to mothers to be and post. They help mothers deal with anxiety and depression at no cost. Every volunteer is a more who has been through it and suvived. I had PPD after my son was born. and if I am honest with myself I had anxiety prior to his birth. My PPD was an anxiety to be able to take care of everything all of the what ifs. But it got to the point that my son my belief in God and my phone support mom where the ones keeping me going. (I was pretty survior) My point being as you are doing here getting to talk to other moms for advice makes a world of difference. If you call them they will assign you a phone support mom that will call you as much as you would like and be there for you to call. If you would like more info please contact me directly. But think about calling the group - they truely are life savers. www.mothertomothersupport.org or ###-###-#### ext 4

And remember your are doing a great job and there is no shame in asking others for help. D.

Holy balls B....I thought I was just reading about myself!!! Seriously...I just had my 2nd baby in October...so now we have a 3-1/2 year old Georgia and a 7 month old little boy named Woods...it has been a huge adjustment for me, I will be very honest with you. My husband and I both work, but I am able to stay at home and do Arbonne, which is huge and I love it. However, I get the exact same feelings that you do about the house being a mess, I am a mess, the dog is a mess, the kids are a mess, no makeup, etc...it has been an overwhelming and very upsetting emotion that I have put on MYSELF.
I had a horrible pregnancy and was in the hospital for a month, they had to take him early, he was in the NICU for 2 weeks on oxygen and a feeding tube. Georgia was a wreck because she couldn't figure out what was going on and she was really scared, even though I was trying to act as normal as possible. So when I finally was able to come home, I was so overwhelmed and exhausted, I was trying to be Super Mom/Wife...that I crashed and burned...depressed (PP) big time...not towards my kids, I wasn't like, get them away from me, it was just the opposite, I was beating myself up thinking, am I giving them each everything that I have, it was overkill...I wasn't sleeping at all, I was worrying, I was trying to hard...and because of all of this, I wasn't good at anything...
So...I know it is easier said than done...and you don't know me from Adam...but please trust me on this one...LET IT GO!!!! Hand it all over to those that are willing to help...let the mess go, let the makeup go, let the incidentals go...seriously...because if internally you are a mess, then you will not be a good mom and that is all that matters!!! Now if I at least get my bed made, I am happy and off to the park with the kids...
Thank God you are having this baby in the summer...you can be outside and in the fresh air...I was also shut inside because it was freezing outside...ugh!!! So...if you must, talk to your doctor about taking something...I don't know your thoughts on that, but mine put me on Zoloft and it made a world of difference!!!! FYI...you can take Zoloft while pregnant as well as while you breastfeed, if you choose to do that too.
Okay...so there are my thoughts for whatever they are worth!! You are not alone!!! If you ever want to talk on the phone, I would be more than happy to walk you through this...because, let me tell you...it sucked for me and if I can help you to choose different avenues to maybe help you not do what I did, then I would love to talk!
Your husband might be bringing the money home, but you are bringing a human being into this world...no offense to the men out there...but...uhhhhh...that is a HUGE difference...LET IT GO, put your feet up, and do something FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!
PS: Did I mention that I used to be anal about my laundry...ANAL...and now I step over piles, trip, cuss and laugh...I just can't care anymore...so I don't...at least the clothes they are wearing right now are clean...for about 10 minutes ;)!!!

This is going to sound crazy, but PUT IT ON FILM.....Start filming your child and the time that you spend with your children....When you do this, you will realize that your setting your children up to be just as ANAL as you are....
I am a mother of 4 children, age 20, soon to be 18, and five year old twin girls. When I had my twenty year old 20 years ago I was very anal, my house had to be clean she had to make her bed by the age of 2....which is fine, but I drove her silly... I was filming the arrival of my new son and all his accomplishments and I was filming her also and just the stuff that I later heard myself saying on FILM and she was two "Have you made your bed yet, or picked up your clothes....Now granted she, my oldest child is VERY ANAL... This everything has to be CLEAN, takes away from the time you spend with your children, but you can teach them to help you and do the best they can...BABY and two year old comes first and everything can wait a little while.... LIFE IS very SHORT, I do understand the concept that you want to do the best you can to keep your house clean and have your children clean and dinner on the table and what not...... I do get this cause I used to be a SAHM, BUT......what helps me with the guilt on days that I'm off work....even if my husband doesn't expect it and you can trust me that he doesn't.... I just call him and say I'm terribly pooped today so if you don't mind, I'm not going to have dinner cooked tonight would it be possible for us to go out or I'm going to spend time with the kids today and take a break... I'm sure your husband will understand. If I apologize in advance, despite my husband's lack of expectations, I FEEL better. See being a SAHM, YOU NEVER get a DAY OFF, its not in the equation....You work on weekends and during the week...Give yourself a couple of DAYS off..... YOUR HUSBAND GETS THEM, RIGHT!!! Those are the ways that I overcame my guilt and still do to this day.. MY HOUSE IS NOT PERFECT, but its by NO means a PIG PEN either....Life gives you cherries, make cherry pie....LIFE gives you children... LET THEM ENJOY LIFE and YOU NEED to enjoy it also, teach them to clean with you, but don't try and make them FIT INTO THE PERFECT MOLD....it doesn't work and they come out resenting YOU for it.........

If your friends/family are coming into to Town.....TRY NOT TO BE TOO CONCERNED.....This baby will come when SHE's ready and I feel in my HEART that everything will WORK out to YOUR BENEFIT.....Just TRY HARD not to FOCUS on the BABY at hand..........I know it's so hard todo when YOUR having so many braxton hicks and of Course some REAL Contractions ... Just BREATH love and LET LIFE...... Life is NOT PLANNED it just HAPPENS.........THE MORE WE try and FOCUS on It AND MAKE IT HAPPEN, ... the more difficult and anxiety filled we become.......... HUGS....GOOD LUCK B.......;))) Your gonna be OK... J.

Hi B.,

I have 9 month old twins. While I was pregnant with them I would get anxious from time to time, but kept telling myself that I had not to worry about xxxx, because it could effect them and the only thing that really mattered was them. I was on bed rest for 6 weeks and ended up having them by emergency c-section due to pre-eclempsia.

After having them, I went through an emotionaly rollar coaster (I really wanted my mom) - and broke down to my aunt and sister-in-law. I had a lot of worries about not keeping up with the house, the kids, etc. and I ended up completely exhausted to the point that my breastmilk starting diminishing ... I just could not do everything - so, once again, health of them first. I was tremendously blessed to have a training postpartum doula come to my house a couple days a week for several weeks, my aunt flew in from California for a week and another aunt would help us out with errands and babies occasionally, but we just did not have what most people can draw from.

I lost my mother when I was 15 and we really do not have any help from the kid's living grandparents. If anything our parents tend to make things worse, since none of them seem to be capable of helping us emotionally or psychologically and they either are not physically capable of helping, or just do not see it as an option. However, they think that they are entitled to seeing the kids whenever they want - meaning we babysit all of them and get further behind. So, it has been really hard and exhausting, for both my husband and I.

Even now with two, my husband and I really share the duties and can not keep up with everything. So again, I have to remind myself that health is first. We get to non-essential things when we can and try to enjoy each phase as it comes.

I honestly felt/feel pretty angry that typically normal expectations of family, just is not an option for us. I do not think it is a failure get help from others, but rather this sets a good example for your kids. People do not need to and should not go through important events in life without the help/support of others. I know it is hard to ask for help, but please do.

With love,
B.

Dear B.,
I along with the other 39 ladies, am here to just cheer you up and on. I too am a perfectionist and have friends that are as well. Lucky for me they had their break downs way before I had my little guy. Now I only have one child, but watching my friends panic and being by their sides to love them and assist them, hug, them and hold them, gave me the strength to know that I could not do it all myself. Even to this day I am looking at a floor covered with toys and my son said to me today, (3 years old) "mommy I'm sorry my toys are every where," and I said, "that is okay, we will clean up when we are done playing." That is what you learn, that loving and playing, enjoying your family is more important than promptness, tidyness and make-up. I still suffer from "someone is coming over---uugghhh, no they can not come over, until such and such is done" well then I'd better ask for help if I'm in a hurry. Don't worry, it will all come together and by all means, yes--dear, Please talk to your husband, he may surprise you. You are carrying a special blessing for you both. You are the love of his life.
God bless you Both. You are a Great Wife and Great MOM!!!
Bubble Bath Time A Must!!! As far as your Doctor---umm, most Doctor's will induce at 1cm, so I would really push that decision. With Blessings, M. N.

Dear B.
I know what you mean about wanting to keep things neat and
done up. I was that way with my 2 boys until I had our third
child did I realize that I missed out on taking time with
the boys they grow so fast. There is always going to be
laundry and house cleaning and everything else but the kids
do grow up so let some things go and do them as you can
so you can enjoy the kids with your husband. As for company
coming about the time when the baby comes. You can make up
some cassroles put them in the freezer and let them wait
on you that is hard for me todo but the Lord is working on
me in this area too. I hope this helps you . Leet your
Husband help you because we need to seet the example
how couples work together when they are married for our
children to see. God Bless You BarbK.

You have a lot of helpful advice already but i thought i could add a few cents. Two kids is not as hard as you think. There will be times it will get crazy but there will also be wonderful rewards. I have 3 and seeing them play together and helping each other is so awesome. My youngest is 1 and my older 2 are such good helpers. Make sure Emme is involved and let her feel like a helper. It is quite an experience and so rewarding. You will do a great job and hang in there.

B., I feel for you! I understand your feelings of being overwhelmed, but from what you wrote, you are heaping way too much responsibility on yourself! I'm a mom and grandma, and I would LOVE to be of help to my daughters in law when they need it (I have two boys). Believe me, your mom and MIL know what it's like to have little ones! It's hard, stressful, and you never have a minute to yourself. I don't know how to tell you to let it go, but if you'd just stop being so h*** o* yourself you would be able to enjoy your children and husband! Keep in mind that kids are only young once. All that housework will be there until the end of time, but your two-year-old will be in school before you know it. Give yourself permission to just be a mom. Let your hubby and other willing family members help you! It will be so good for your own mental health. Also, try to make some time for yourself. When I was a young mother I did not do that, and eventually I started to resent my husband, who was much better than me at relaxing! Good luck, young lady!

Wow does that sound familiar! I let it get so bad that I ended up resenting my husband because I had to ask him to help....which meant that I was failure at being SUPER mom because I couldn't do it all myself. It became a very ugly vicious cycle.

The question that you need to ask yourself is who are you trying to impress....win approval or out do? With me it was my mom. My mom didn't do such a great job of putting her kids first and so somehow that translated into me having to work full time, take care of the baby, cook, clean, do the laundry and of course look good while doing it....all of it and if I didn't then I was as bad as my mom.

The best thing to do is pray about it. Then set priorities. What are the necessary things that you have to get done. Everytime that you start to stress out....say to yourself....in a year or two what is going to be more important the time I got to enjoy with my kids (because we all know they grow up tooo fast) or whether I kept my house immaculate.

Also, swallow your pride and ask for help. Remember you and your husband are a team. COMMUNICATE to him how you feel....about not keeping up your end of the deal....and that its really hard for you to ask for help. He will mostly likely tell you that you are a great mom and great wife and he is amazed that you do all that you do AND he will most likely start looking for ways to help you....without being asked.

Its hard to change your mindset but eventually you are able to let go of the crazy high expectation that you put on yourself. You are your biggest critic so cut yourself a break and get done what you can today and the rest can wait until tomorrow. The most important thing is that your family is healthy and happy, not what your house looks like. Good luck!

Oh Sweetie :(!!

I have gone through the same thing, at least very similiar. I do feel for you! I too tried to be the perfect mom/wife/daughter/sister/worker/housekeeper/cook/etc, I think you get the idea. But then I realized something. I am not perfect, I never will be perfect, no one is perfect, they never will be perfect. The only perfect is God. In my opinion, if I am thinking I am perfect then I am comparing myself to God or god-like. The Bible says to worship only one God. Therefore if I continue my obsessing with perfect, I would be worshipping more than one god. So once I realized that I found peace of mind. Does this make sense?

I guess I'm trying to say is that if you have dirty dishes in the sink or that load of laundry didn't get folded it's okay. If your husband offers to help with kids/meals/cleaning/etc. that's okay. Let him!! He will need to help with the kids because if he doesn't he will not bond with the kids. (Speaking from experience on this one!)

Allow yourself some relax time. If you don't, there is a very good possibility you will have a breakdown or go into depression. You don't want that.

Let go of the reins, let someone else drive (literally and not literally), and embrace letting others help. It's best for you and the family to let others take some responsibility.

Best Wishes,

J. H.

Try talking to your husband about how you feel. Whenever I have anything bothering me, I feel so much better after talking to my hubby about it. I think you'll be quite surprised how better you feel! Please don't take any medication for this. Our world is druged up enough. All you have to do is just deal w/ the issue, not cover it up by taking some medications. Good Luck! And by the way cute names!!

you have so many great responses already to read, I'll try to keep this short. It was a few months ago that I finally got the "aha!" moment I needed to relax around the house. For some reason, I was carrying this old tape in my head about worthiness. No one in my present life was saying it, mind you, but just my head. If I didnt have everything perfect, I'm not worthy of this life, this house, this wonderful marriage, beautiful child, etc. If anything was out of place or not done perfectly, I told myself I failed. When I found that tape, I was able to shut it off. I dont need to "qualify" for any of my gifts. God and people in my life love me, unconditionally, just as I am. I am a human being NOT a human doing!!!!!!!
I hope that helps. God loves you just as you are, you dont need to "earn" anything.
xoxo!

B., take a deep breath. No really do it. I went through the same thing. My girls are 4 1/2 yrs old and 12 1/2 months. I worried about everything, and still fight the urge to control. I have to constantly remind myself to breathe and focus on the priorities in life: Health, Love, Spirit. Keep in mind that you are placing the expectations on yourself. No one else is doing that. Do not let other people rent space in your head; i.e: do not listen to what others say if it is not in alignment with your dreams and needs. Do not assume in know what others are thinking/feeling and expecting of you. Being superwoman is impossible. And, when you give someone an opportunity to help you, it makes them feel better for contributing. Check out this website. http://www.maryloverde.com/whoismary_philo.html Mary is great at putting things into perspective. She wrote "I Used to Have a Handle on Life but it Broke." I highly recommend it to anyone who thinks she has to be superwoman. (I read a little every night to keep me grounded.)

The baby will come when she is ready. You don't want her to come any sooner than necessary. The closer to term she is, the better. So, you can't control that. Let it go. Remember,this may be the last opportunity to have life growing inside of you. Cherish it. Focus on spending time with Emme and your husband right now. Let the cleaning go a little bit (your postnatal caretakers will love having something to do!Do not worry about them seeing your "dirty" house.)And if you do have company while you are recovering, let them help. You are healing. They can take care of themselves and you.
Above all, laugh. If you are not laughing, you are missing the joy in life. Find where you're out of balance in life. Make a shift in your mind to focus on your goals/dreams. The things that will work themselves out should be left alone. All you can do is control how you respond to life's challenges, which are really opportunities for personal growth and discovery.
I hope this helped at least a little. Enjoy your babies, and prayers for a speedy delivery and recovery.

SAHM with a preschooler and infant, building a multi-million dollar business from home in the health & wellness industry with Swiss-formulated, US-made pure, safe, and beneficial products. I am looking for motivated individuals who want to do the same thing!

B.,
You need to let everyone you love read what you wrote! They will understand and think you are silly! Not to make light of it, but yes we all feel that horrible anxiety that never seems to go away. I have 4 children, from 2 marriages and a grand baby. Let you hubby help especially now while you are getting close to delivery. I hate the feeling of failure too for not being perfect,but really....stop putting that unnecessary weight on yourself. One time my (ex)had a soft ball game and he rushed home from work and I was home with the one yr old who had the flu all day and I too had the flu and I asked him to PLEASE not go to the game because I couldn't care for her and myself at the same time (both puking)and he yelled at me and left(1 of the many reasons we divorced) he came home from his game with a swollen purple ankle(heehee) god got him after all! He asked ME to take him to the emergency room and with a pukie smile I simply said NO! I love that story. Anyway I refused to call my mom for help(who was horrified when she found out later why I didn't call)Now I look back and now that I have my own grand baby (2yr old girl) I am thrilled to help my daughter and proud of her for doing the best she can. They don't look at it like failure, just that you love them enough to include them in your time of need. Please let them help you so you can enjoy this baby girl and the experience. Good luck
J.

Lowered expectations are my new best friends! I suffered from the horrible SAHM guilt for about a minute, the minute before I had my third baby. Seriously..relax.. I completely understand that need to 'do your part' but being 36 weeks pregnant AND having a two year old is hard work already! I know.. my dd is 3 months, my ds is 21 months! Stop hammering on yourself to be perfect.. do my dishes pile up..yes, does laundry multiply like a herd of rabbits? oh yeah.. but in the end I have a motto..that's become sort of my mantra.. 'clean enough to be healthy and clean enough to be happy'

Girlfriend, give yourself a break! My goodness, I am exhausted just reading your worries!! Sad thing (for me)is I can totally relate. B/4 I had my 2nd one, I went through the same thing. Then one day after the baby was born, I decided to breathe. I used to have the ultra clean house, dinner on the table promptly @ 6, the whole bit. Now.... I don't and ya know, it's ok. Give yourself permission now not to be superwoman. Put yourself in time out if you must. This thing called motherhood is such a gift and if you blink, you may just miss it. Now go take a bubble bath!!

I used to be a clean freak and expect everything done all the time as well when my kids were little and it seemed easier to do then. Through the years I have had to decide which is more important, the house or spending more time with the hubby and kids. As the kids get older your time gets more limited and seem to be at home less the older they get. My kids are 15, 13, and 8. The oldest one mows lawns and works part-time, is involved in the youth group and has drama practice 3 times a week, and in Royal Rangers. 13 year old is also in drama, youth, Missionettes girls club, and helps out with nursery/babysitting for extra church events. My 8 yr old is in baseball and Royal Rangers which has a lot of campouts and outings. I am also a ministry leader and involved in several different ministries at church, work part-time, and play on a coed softball team for exercise as I don't have time or money to pay to go to a gym all the time. My husband works 2nd shift so isn't home when the kids are home so we squeeze in family time on Saturday mornings before he goes to work at 2 and occasionally he has a weekday off as he works 7 days a week most of the time so I am taxi Mom and keep up with all our schedules and everything by myself most of the time and still manage to find quality time with the kids to talk or play games together. I even manage to find a few hours for myself to read a book or catch up on email. We do work as a team to keep up laundry and house chores. Although my house is no longer spotless, it isn't a pigsty and is presentable most of the time other than some clutter around the office area which seems to be where everything gets piled in a hurry. Just telling you all of this to let you know, enjoy them while they are little, things get busier when they get older and get involved in sports, school, jobs, and other activities.

My oldest was about 5 is when I decided that priorities needed to change or I would go crazy trying to keep up with everything and decided that life can be exciting if you don't dwell on trying to be the perfect housewife. Teach your kids young how to clean and cook. It will benefit you a lot later when they get older and it won't seem like a hassle to get them to help because they started young and it is just a part of life and they won't argue with you so much when they get older.

All 3 of my kids can cook meals, even the 8 yr old likes to cook hamburger, peel potatoes, cook mac-n-cheese (which is his favorite dish), spaghetti, and other things. He can't cook a turkey or anything big like that yet but can have his turn to fix a meal through the week.

My 15 yr old son can cook everything we cook and if I am running late, will just call and ask him to start dinner and he will come up with something good.

13 yr old daughter can cook well too. The boys like to cook more meal type stuff and she likes to bake more but can cook meals too.

I see your daughter is 2. She is old enough to help put dishes away especially the silverware and will also teach her sorting skills,keep her room clean and put her toys away when she is done playing with them wherever she plays, and put her own dirty clothes in the laundry hamper or basket.

You have to figure out what is most important for you not what everyone else thinks of you. Most of the time we as women put more expectations on ourselves than others expect out of us and just end up wearing ourselves down in the end. Take time for yourself and spend time with your kids, They grow up so fast and before you know it they will be teenagers and you will wish you had those extra hours back you spent trying to keep everything spotless. Get your kids involved as much as possible with the housework and they will enjoy helping Mom out.

As far as panicking about the 2nd baby coming, I don't have much advice for that. You will enjoy having 2 when the baby gets a little older and becomes a playmate for your oldest one. I think having more than 1 child is easier because they entertain each other and are not wanting all of your attention all the time like 1 child usually does. Your oldest will probably enjoy helping out with the baby, get the diapers for you and talking to her and whatever you can think of having your toddler help out with. Getting the older one involved as much as possible helps keep the jealousy factor down and makes them feel important.

Don't sweat the small stuff and take a break.

Please remember one thing...your husband may be working outside the house all day, and this is important, but YOU ARE SHAPING A YOUNG LIFE, and that is FAR more important than any job he could do, ever. And I really believe that children raised with the help of others, especially extended family, are the best children! Getting help isn't a sign of failure--it's the sign of a well-developed person wanting the very best for her family.

Do you think it's possible you have prepartum depression? After I had my 2nd (and was depressed--not sad!--the whole pregnancy), I read several articles about this problem, and I read that it is even more prevalent than postpartum depression! Of course this makes perfect sense, but we all expect to be simply glowing during pregnancy, so we don't speak up about how we feel. The moment I had my baby, I felt better--it was amazing!

Good luck, and remember that this is 2008, you're not June Cleaver (do you even want to be?), and raising children is a 24-hour/day job. You can't do everything!

I so need to take some time and read through all of these responses. Some of what you wrote really hit home. I'm 36 weeks pregnant with our third child and wonder some days if I'll be able to handle it. We will have three under the age of three once this one is born. At the beginning of my pregnancy people thought we were crazy, but I was okay with it telling them all that God would never give me something I couldn't handle. Some days though...I wonder. I wonder if I'm being a good mom and giving them my all.

At my doctor's appointment today we did set up my induction due to my gestational diabetes. I have been induced without any problems with my other two pregnancies as well.

I think I'm a little bit the opposite as you with the cleaning and cooking. I feel horrible not doing those things but I just can't get myself to do much of anything, especially recently. This pregnancy has been tough on me (maybe due to the fact that I have my one and two year olds to run after, plus also babysit a one-year-old full time) and some days I feel like I cannot even get out of bed. I don't ask my husband to do things, but he does get fed up about different things and will finally just do it. I then feel guilty b/c he did it when I probably should have. He doesn't help much with the situation at times b/c of his non-verbals and passive aggressive stuff. I have always been one that didn't like to ask for help, but have been able to do that more often now. Sometimes you just need to for yourself and the sake of your kiddos.

Best wishes to you with your pregnancy and the birth of your baby. :)

If anyone, with or without kids, gives you the idea that they can get it all done all the time, no help, no oversights, no exceptions....they're putting on a front to try to impress you! As long as the effort is there, give yourself a break!

Make sure you take time to enjoy you daughter, enjoy your pregnancy, find time with your husband and just time for yourself. Life's too precious to be this stressed out over dishes & laundry!

Hi B.,

You are not crazy...you're pregnant! Your hormones are going wild right now. I understand your panic. I did not know how I would do it with a 2nd child either (mine are 2 1/2 yrs apart) but it has been good. My oldest (a boy) has doted on the baby (a girl) since birth. I have always done my best to make him feel included and feel that the baby is his.

You need to let other people help you around the house. If your husband is willing to help, let him. Your husband sounds like a good guy.

It sounds like you need some mom friends. A wonderful group of women is called MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) and the website is www.MOPS.org and you can find a local group in your area. The meetings are over for this school year, but begin again in the fall. Now is the time to sign up and you will find wonderful friends in a Christian atmosphere.

D.

One of the things I learned after having my two kids is that part of the blessing is that it forces us to ask for help. When you do EVERYTHING, you might make yourself feel okay, but you alienate everyone else. If we were supposed to do it all, wouldn't God have just made us perfect. But, that's not why we're here. He put us here to love on each other. And if we are too busy hiding and pretending to be perfect then we aren't participating in the relationships he gave us. So he puts us in positions of need i.e. when we have a newborn so that we can actively participate in the relationships around us. Ask for the help you need. Take and know that the people giving it are getting something they need-to be needed. One day it will be your turn and you can love on them. But when you have a newborn isn't the time. I am a postpartum doula. I help out right at this time in mom's lives. And I LOVE my job. But, I do believe, in a perfect world where people would live in community and help one another-there would be no need for a job like mine. As it is, since many of us are so far from family and friends, it is a joy for me to be there for new families. I hope all goes well for you and you allow the people that love you to surround you and your kids with that love and the practical things they can do to help.

OH, Honey...Try to relax a little. You're gonna have a nervous breakdown. I can understand completely where you are coming from, and most mommies out there can...First of all, Take a deep breath and look at the BIG PICTURE. Is everything really going to fall apart if a load of laundry has to wait a day or two, or if you leave a sink of dishes over night? And what will really happen if you pull your hair back into a ponytail or headband and only put on lipstick and mascara?
You have to look at what is REALLY important. Your priorities should be yourself, your babies, and your marriage. Yes, yourself first...it's hard to do sometimes, but the old saying "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." is true. You have to take care of yourself. Get a shower first thing, use a relaxing body wash and take a few minutes to enjoy the warm water. It's okay to put your little ones in a playpen or other safe location for a few minutes...use a baby monitor, or set up a playpen or the baby carrier seat inside the bathroom or just outside the door and leave the door open so you can see or hear them.
Take the time to just enjoy your babies, time goes too fast to worry about things that just don't matter.
Take out the trash, load the dishwasher, and clean up big messes, let the rest go for a while. If people have a problem with your house tell them they are welcome to do it for you. If your husband wants to help, let him. He may not do it like you would, but that's okay. It is a huge job to be a stay at home mom. Kids require constant attention...diapers and feedings take a lot of time. With your two year old, meals, and snacks, and potty training and reading books and playing... This is all important stuff.
Give yourself a break. You are more of a super mom if you realize what is important. Ignore all the people who tell you they did so and so...well good for them...they were probably stressed out of their minds...Do you want to be a stressed out mess or do you want to be a happy mommy and wife? Set priorities. It's okay.
I have four kids...16, 15, 8, and 5. I used to be stressed all of the time(now it's just part of the time :)...toys everywhere, someone always saying "Mommy"... I do have help now from my older kids (one of them anyway), but my house will not be perfect...I will always have a handprint of somekind on my clothes...cheetos, peanut butter... and I will look a little haggard from time to time. I'm okay with that. When my kids are grown I'll have time to clean, and so will you.
Here is a little trick: If someone comes to see your new baby and says "Is there anything I can do?" Say "YES" and tell them what you need. If they didn't mean it and were just "being nice" they won't bug you again and they aren't much of a friend. The best gifts of help are prepared meals, helping with laundry, and watching the kids for an hour so you can get a nap. It's okay!
As far as getting anxious about the new baby...take this time to spend special time with you daughter...Help prepare her for her new sister...read to her...maybe make something special with her to welcome the new baby... and get some rest.
Good luck and enjoy those babies.

Wow, all that worrying and thinking and analyzing in your brain sounds just like me until I went on Paxil first and then Effexor. Now I just do what I can, feel like myself and am happier than ever. Turns out the neurotransmitters in my brain were misfiring!

Therapy.
I went to therapy when we were going through infertility, again about a year after the twins were born and then again a couple months after pregnancy #2 (child #3). I called around and talked to a couple counselors and one question I remember asking is "what is your area of expertise". One said something about religion. I chose not to go to her because I was mad at God because of my infertility (one topic for therapy :) Then I spoke to one who said "it's really more about how you feel with the counselor. You just need to find someone you are comfortable with". She was awesome. It was just nice to have an objective person to talk to. My friends will tell me what they think I want to hear or take my side. This person didn't know my family, parents, etc. She was objective.

I also got through the anxiety by thinking about the gift of siblings. Your daughter needs to have someone in her life who shares the same experiences with her as she grows up and to have family after her parents are gone. Youare doing the right thing. It's just incredibly hard to try to do it right.
Good luck.