Overwhelmed Mom Needs Help

I had three children in five years. I completely understand you being overwhelmed AND the desire to instill manners and respectablity. MANY years ago, my husband & I attended a parenting seminar and came away with several "jewels". All five of us are "Type A", domineering personalities. That combination made for some terrific battles. One jewel we received is to try to catch the child doing something good and praise them for that good deed. Even if it just sitting with their mouth closed while watching. Basically, the things we expect them to do -- praise them when they do it. We found this worked like a charm on two fronts -- one, it caused the kids to do more of what we wanted in the first place AND second, it stopped my screeching so much! Now, it didn't solve everything; but, it was a great start.

Your 9 year old is simply being a result of her environment. You have rules she hates and her grandparents don't have rules. She's confused, frustrated and very angry and she's showing her emotions by defying your rules. I encourage you to stand your ground. It sounds like you are doing more for her than anyone else. But, as a mother, you have a thankless role.

Posting the rules was another jewel we gained. We had age-appropriate rules, gave "tickets" when we caught them doing good things, took "tickets" when they were disobedient. The "tickets" could buy pre-arranged treats -- a small toy, extra TV/computer time, McDonald's meal, etc. You get the idea.

Another thing I learned MANY years ago, is that a child will strive for attention -- any attention, good OR bad. Your 9 year old is desperate for attention. Help her to earn the good kind by prasing the few things she does right.

Hang in there. Motherhood is a really tough job; but, the rewards are extreme!!

R.

I think the best thing you can do for her is set a good example. Make sure you use your manners in front of her as you would expect from her. That goes a long way especially where she is getting mixed messages. Also, I would be upfront with her and sit her down with written rules for you home. Let her know that this is what you expect from her in your home and that you realize there may be different rules at her other home. Then make sure she is aware of the consequences for not following the house rules. Hopefully, that helps. Good luck to you!

Yes, you are overwhelmed so take a deep breath and realize you don't have to do it all at once! She's 9, she's got a lot on her plate and she is acting out just as any child would.

What she needs is a strong, loving guide in her life. That's your role. Pick your battles but most of all spend one on one time with her. It will be hard but once a week carve out a couple of hours just for her and take her out of the house to neutral territory. See a movie, go to have an ice cream, go for a bike ride with her , take her for a pedicure but most of all, just listen to her. Don't ask a lot of questions, just let her slowly open up. Don't use this time as a reward system, just do it.

You can set up other reward systems in the household for other things. Use a chart with jobs and rewards. Sit everyone down, explain the system and make sure you put some incentives in those rewards, make them good ones! I'm betting your seven year old will opt for the reward instead of imitating bad behaviors of the 9 year old.

All the kids need to be engaged at this point in helping in some way. Even toddlers can pick up toys if you make a game of it. I read a great tip about putting on a special song and the kids race to pick up toys.

If you can get the grandparents to come on board, try to do so. Perhaps sitting down with them and discussing this, again on neutral territory, and pointing out her behavior will spill out into school and at other peoples homes ( and she won't be invited back) might have an impact. If not just go it on your own. Everyone has different household rules so just explain it to her that way.

Table manners. Ok, she is 9 and is going to very soon have a social life and be interested in boys so use that to your advantage. You only have to plant the seed that when she gets into her teenage years, boys aren't likely to take a girl to dinner who can't keep her mouth shut when she eats. This may seem a long way off, but believe me little girls are already thinking about dating even though it IS a long way off. Then just leave it. She'll soon enough have peer pressure that will solve this problem.

If she sits in an unladylike manner at home, well, don't we all? We're home. It's the one place we can relax. If she is doing this with a skirt on, just have her change from her skirt to pants when she comes over. Peer pressure will kick in on this one as well.

Bad behavior is a cry for help and guidance. The hardest thing we have to remember is that we don't always have to be the pal, the friend, the "good" guy. We have to parent.
We have to lay down rules and keep them and it will always be a struggle. That is normal.

Pick up a copy of Love and Logic and you'll gain some great tips and insights into parenting problems and solutions. You can get this at the library and there are tapes you can listen to if you've no time to read.

Just remember to give yourself a pat on the back once in awhile for trying your best. You'll get through this and she will grow up a better young lady because you cared enough to give her rules and to be a good role model.

My mother raised four children. She claims there are years that are complete blanks to her due to exhaustion! You definitely have a full plate.

I suggest you Give the oldest child some slack whenever you can. Besides all that is going on in her young life hormones begin to flow at age 9. Find a way to let some of the things go to avoid correcting her constantly. At this point she probably doesn't hear them anyway and her self esteem is low. She is angry. Most teens are angry, and make no mistake, age nine is the beginning.....and with her other issues (alcoholic mom) adolescence will be harder on everybody.

I'm not suggesting no rules. If no one is supposed to eat out of the kitchen, then no one is supposed to eat out of the kitchen! If she breaks that rule have an appropriate consequence. Say something like, "I'm sorry honey, but we don't eat out of the kitchen." Take note of what she was eating. Is it something you can live without? Then the next time she wants it remind her, "Oh, I'm sorry honey. Remember you took that out of the kitchen so I decided not to buy it for awhile." Make the consequence fit the crime and don't yell about it. When you yell children tend to blame you. When you are nice, they are more likely to realize it was their own fault.

She is old enough to understand the rules at your house, no matter what goes on in other houses she visits. But i would try to focus more on what she does right. Thank her for any little thing she does correctly. If she picks up something she dropped on the floor......thank her. Tell her you appreciate that because you would have had to do it later if she hadn't. Tell her that shows she is maturing. Try to make the positives more than the negatives. And I mean anything she does right. If she brushes her teeth on her own tell her how great it is you didn't have to remind her. Tell her why you think her learning to take care of herself is so great! And when it has to be a negative try to make it kindly and be sad about it. Tell her you love her everyday.

Last......are you losing your patience more during PMS? Consider medication to help you be a calmer mom. Get anger and sarcasm out of the house best way you can. YOu can't control your daughters mouth, but you can control your own. In my house I often set the mood.

If you haven't already. Pick up the Love and Logic books. They so helped me with my kids!

R., you deserve a medal! Anyone that raises 4 kids does!
All My Best,
P.

Hey R.,
I'm sure you'll receive a lot of advice here. I don't have any words of wisdom and cure all ideas but I do know that there is a Parenting ministry at Watermark Community church that has totally made a huge difference in my life. Check it out. http://www.watermark.org/children/building-blocks/

Also there is a fantastic ministry for marriages who need a little pick me up. The one piece of advice I cling to regularly is that the most important thing kids need (other than their basic needs being met) is to see a happy, healthy functioning marriage between their parents. check this out...
http://www.watermark.org/adults/marriage-ministry/reengage/