Out of Control Daughter

I have 2 girls, 7 and 9 years old. My older daughter ran our house at age 2. I tried many things, even spanking. I found that being consistent (in whatever way you choose to raise your children) is best. Also, you have to show them that their behavior does not effect you. It is impossible to expect you not to get angry, just don't show it. No matter what. We all get frustrated, it's only natural. Your children will see your frustration and see it as lack of control. I know it seems a little grown-up for a 3 year old, but they see your lack of control over your emotions as them having control over you.
I happened to let my older daughter cry it out (when she was 2 1/2). We put a gate in her bedroom doorway. She would be crying and yelling for me at the gate every night for a week or two. It was very hard. I would be crying down stairs while she was crying up stairs. She would be yelling for me and it broke my heart (and woke up the little one) but eventually she would pass out right next to the gate. If she climbed over the gate, or knocked it down, I would go up stairs and put her back on her bed and replace the gate w/o saying a word, and with no emotion. I did not even make eye contact. She is trying to ellicit a response from you and when she sees that she is not getting it, eventually she will stop trying. It is a long bumpy road, but when you see it is working, you will be encouraged to keep at it. I couldn't imagine how bad it would be to regain control over my house and family when I had 2 girls that realized that they ran the house, so I painstakingly took it back bit-by-bit. I am so glad I did it then. Because of all of my hard work then, I now have 2 really good kids. Sure they can be stinkers once in a while, but I run the house and they know it.
I wish you lots of Luck, Calmness, and Patience!

Take most of her toys and books away(not as punishment but as clutter control) put them in boxes or bins and store them in a closet or where she can't get to them...rotate them once a month or so...this way she plays with them because they are "new" again and there is less to clean up at night...also if everything has an asigned place(a bin, shelf or the toy box) then it's a lot easier for her to clean up. When she is fresh(hits or mouths off) remove her from the situation....it doesn't have to be dramatic...just we don't hit go sit on the couch or go play in your room until you appologize(or until I say you can come out).....most of the times this works my kids will go lay down on their beds til they feel better, for times when they are truly being rotten I make them go lay down until I (mommy) feels better...they have no control over when mommy feels better so they really don't want to push me. Give your daughter more responsibilty, small chores...she wants some independance and control so give her some (on your terms) she can make her bed, put her clothes away, help set and clear the table, get her cup out of the fridge or a granola bar from the pantry...just be clear about your rules and it will all fall inline. Good luck!

Well basically these parent training sessions are about you OBSERVING her with your daughter, and then mimicing those behaviors and interactions in your daily life.

If you notice she is giving your daughter attention.

why?

Because your daughter is asking for attention, these episodes are infact a request for POSITIVE attention.

Since your new baby has arrived she feels jealous , and perhaps your continuously saying IN A MINUTE
and using the word NO far more frequently.

Why not try creating a schedule, on paper of how you could plan your day better , instead of just playing it by ear.

If your thinking in your head you already have a schedule,
realize its NOT working ,

What I like to do is make time for each of my children atleast once per day

At 3 years old your daughter might like these activities which are very easy for you
Make home made playdough, and give her cookie cutters, your 6 month old can eat while she is playing.

tell her its time for school, and give her a worksheet and ONE crayon. spend 5-10 minutes with her expaining the home work, your baby can play with a soft learning book.

read both of them a story, then ask your daughter to read the story to her brother.

ask your 3 year old to take care of her brother while you go down stairs tell her she is responsible and in charge,ask her if she can handle it most assuredly she will say yes happily and let her feed him the bottle, and help you change his diapers,

ask her to throw things in the garbage , like the dirty diapers, and wipes. and whatever else.

ask her to help you clean up room by room,
ask her to put this shirt in the basket.

ask her to sing a song to her brother.

( AS she attempts to please you offer her extra special praise, and kisses,)

While making the bed tell her to get into the bed and stay very still and make it with her still inside it, she will love that

after wards, when its time to feed the baby,
ask her what she wants for lunch, and ask her to help you make it,

put the baby food jars and spoons where she can reach them and ask her to put them on the table.

while doing the laundry, I tell my sons to hlp me push the laundry in the dryer.

I put my baby inside the laundry basket and ask my 3 year old to help me carry him up the stairs,

then I give him a ride aswell.

cleaning up the toys is much harder,its like telling them NO MORE PLAY time. no one likes to stop having fun.

What I have done is removed MANY of the toys they don't play with, and left only a few,
makes it much easier to clean up,

when toys get broken I throw them out immediately, and I NEVER bring home the MC Donalds toys.LOL

Last thing I want to say is If your child needs attention.
Give it to them , no matter how inconvienient , give them 15 minutes of time and they will leave you alone for an hour.

try it,

Hi F.,

I am battling too with my just turned, 3 year old. At night, when she gets out of bed to go sleep with your husband, tell HIM to not even talk to her, just pick her up and put her back in her own bed. He will have to do this about 1000 times, and it will take a few nights, maybe even a week or 2, but eventually she will give up. The key is NOT to talk to her or give her the attention. That is really what she is looking for. I know, easier said then done, especially with 2, but as difficult as it will be, it will eventually work. I agree with what the other woman said about removing some of the clutter and giving her more responsibility, but I would not punish her by sending her to her room. Especially since that is one of the issues you are having. Instead, find a time out place, where she goes when she hits, or has a tantrum. Do not use it excessively or it will lose its luster (easier said than done) and she will probably keep getting up, just pick her up and put her back in it ideally for 3 minutes(1 minute per year) and again, don't talk to her, just do it silently. I know all of this is easier said then done and I must confess, I am guilty of not following the rules, but when I do, they do work. The key is for her not to get a rise out of you, even negative attention, is attention and that is what she needs. Once her time out is over, explain to her why she was in time out and then see if you can give her some positive attention. Also, if you can find a way to spend some 1 on 1 with just her, that may help too.

Good luck!

i totally agree with danielle. just be consistent, whatever you do, dont miss one bad behaviour of that will send the message you only react 50% of the time.
i know its hard, but you really need to address this and get your husband on board. even if this means the whole house loses sleep.
it really disturbs me about the physical violence. that cannot be tolerated and must be fixed asap, as she gets older, it will only get worse. it is unacceptable for any child to hit anyone and you have to sit down with husband and come up with a game plan. write everything down so you both are on the same page. take turns with the discipline of this negative behaviour so she sees its her behaviour, and not a specific parent. you have to be consistent and your husband has to be right there with you.
i really hope you can get a remedy for this. my daughter is 3 1/2 and the new baby is 5 months and i cant even imagine that. good luck to you!!!