New to the Site - Meriden,CT

It's so funny that you posted this this morning! I was thinking about this last night! My hubby left for 6 days on business last night. I had this vision in my head of a lovely family day together yesterday, but guess what? When he had a free moment he played his guitar (he had to get his hair cut, pack, etc.) I get that he is tired from traveling and working long hours, but I sometimes feel like when he is here, he isn't always here, if that makes sense.

My hubby is fabulous in so many ways. I couldn't imagine life without him; yet, I feel so disconnected from him. My husband says that this is the way things are with young people in the house. We live for them, and in the process, we lose ourselves and our coupleness. We too have been married 11 years, btw, but our oldest is only 4.5. Things are very different with kids in the house. We don't get to stay up late drinking wine and talking like we use to. I feel lonely and sad that we rarely get to connect on this level, but being pregnant with our third, I'm asleep by 9:30 every night!

My hubby sounds likes yours too, though my hubby doesn't tell me to hire in help! When baby three comes, however, he has no choice. I already told him I am no longer taking care of the lawn, and that I might bring in someone to help with cleaning. It has only been in the last year that he doesn't complain when I go to the store and run errands on Sunday morning --I think going to the store a few times alone with the kids made it clear to him just how difficult this task can be. But I do almost all of the house stuff --since he is gone all the time-- and it's a lot of work.

I have no clue about getting out of a rut. It is recommended to have new experiences as a couple, as this binds you together. Maybe you guys could pick up a new hobby or try something really different for date nights?

I have a feeling a lot of what you are feeling towards your hubby just comes with having a baby at home. You aren't getting good sleep, you do the bulk of the work with the kids (getting up in the middle of the night, getting up with them in the morning, etc.) and a break would sure be nice. We don't get a break. Our job is 24-7. It's hard. And it's especially hard when hubby sleeps in and misses family time.....

With that said, their job is just as hard. When they are home, they need down time too. Their jobs are stressful, and they have the added stress of all the financial responsibility on top of it. If they screw up, the whole family could lose everything. I wouldn't want that kind of pressure, and if your hubby's job is anything like my husbands, he is in meetings everyday that could cost him his job.

Love changes. I don't feel "mad" about my hubby anymore, but I am hopeful that as the children get older, we can get some of our old selves together back.

You need time to yourself. Trust me!

I have been married 11 years and have 4 kids. I work and homeschool them. My husband is the stay at home dad, who helps implement the curriculum.

My husband doesn't know it, but I can tell when he needs a break. He's not loving. He feels distant. He hides. I tell him to plan a motorcycle trip and go away. He does. This last one was in August for 5 days and he came home totally in love with me again. He just needed some space to himself and some time to realize that he loves me. (He was in the corporate world before he quit to be a SAHD, which he loves.)

In September, I went to Peru for 8 days with a friend. I came back completely in love with him. When I left, I wasn't so sure. I needed the time to take off all of my hats. I wasn't a mom, a wife, a career woman, a housekeeper, a teacher....I was ME again. It felt REALLY good.

Plan a trip and go.

You've had some great responses.

I'd also like to suggest that your husband is probably living out the model of fatherhood that he experienced in his own childhood. Lots of men, even today, don't know how to be playful or engaged with their children beyond the limited modeling they got from their own dads. It's a learning process, and they need help. And your kids, having a dad who doesn't engage much with them, haven't learned how to have a fully-functioning dad, either.

You are in the envious/difficult position of being the family hub. This puts a tremendous amount of pressure on you to keep things turning smoothly. You already feel this, but there are a few things you can do that might actually relieve pressure over time, rather than just enduring or resenting it:

Play cupid between kids and dad. Instigate new little "love" connections, like a drawing taped to the bathroom mirror from one of the kids, or a cute note rubber-banded to dad's coffee cup. Leave a notepad and pencil nearby in case Dad wants to write a response. Help your kids realize that many of the material goods they receive are due to his hard work, and help them find little ways to say thank you (a good habit for a happy life in anybody). Gang up with the kids to welcome Daddy home in creative ways – mob him for a group hug, or jump out from behind furniture, or make up a goofy or sentimental welcome home song, or shoot balloons around the room when he comes through the door. Ask the kids to help dream up ideas, too.

Tell him a story about at least one of the kids every day – something they are proud of or troubled by, something funny they said… help him feel included, even if he thinks he doesn't have the time or interest. I'm pretty sure you'll see his interest grow over time.

And ask him questions about his own upbringing. He may have very little to tell about his father. Ask him what he would have changed if he could. Ask him what it would have felt like if his dad had _______ more when he was young. Ask him how he thinks you should have responded when one of your kids told you something puzzling or troubling. Give him bite-sized opportunities to get to know his kids better. He probably feels like a bit of a stranger to them – sad but common, and not unfixable.

Finally, you would do well to take care of your own needs more attentively. If hiring help is the only way you can currently find to make time for yourself, and he's okay with that, do it, at least once in awhile. If you continue with the assumption that he "should" be the one to take over with the kids when you've got an appointment somewhere, then you will probably not take much time for yourself. Don't make the mistake of letting your "shoulds" get in the way of finding balance, or forcing your husband into a situation that he simple resents.

Couples counseling might be good, but if your hunny is too tired or preoccupied, he won't believe he has to make the effort. If that's the case, get counseling for yourself. It can be just as effective in helping you to improve your communication and nudging your relationship in a happy direction.

Marriage does tend to change over time in its "romance quotient," which often drops off precipitously when children enter the family. It can come back when family patterns change and kids grow up. Also, marriages often become what they were for the couple's parents, because that's the primary model we get as we are becoming big people ourselves. If your, or his, parents had a "dry" marriage, yours can head that way. But most marriages can be something more when at least one of the partners is aware of it, and you are.

Some situations demand a dope-slap, but never forget that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, so loving invitations will be much more appealing than nagging. It doesn't sound like your marriage is in terrible shape, H., it just has plenty of room for learning. My best to you.

i'm not sure anyone is really ready for the enormity of the changes that children bring to a relationship. there's so much wonder in our love for our kids that it's not surprising that our couples relationship gets shoved into the corner.
but you're right to be concerned about it.
he's missing out on the best part of his kids' childhood by not wanting to revel in his one-on-one time with them. and you should be allowed to pursue outside interests too, well beyond a biannual hair appointment.
when my husband and i found ourselves in a similar situation we went to a counselor who gave us the 'homework' of getting a babysitter and going out for coffee, and telling each other all the reasons we fell in love with each other in the first place. no recriminations, no 'but now's, just reliving the pure bliss of our early romance. it was magic. we've never gone back to the bad place.
i don't suggest it's always that easy, but it might be a good place to start.
good luck, mama!
khairete
S.

H.~ Welcome!
You are not alone by a long stretch. I have been exactly where you are and hear this same scenario from others over and over. It's very common for relationships to go through this, and that's important to remember because though you might need to do some work in your relationship to get connected again lots of people go through this.

I don't think any of us can prepare for how children are going to affect our lives and our relationships with ourselves and each other. Life busy, we get tired and our relationship with our spouse takes the back burner. The longer that happens, the more disconnected we feel. As much as your husband works, he's probably feeling disconnected from you and the kids.

You do have to start spending more time with your husband and more time talking. Schedule check in times when you have to just to chat about what he's doing and what you're doing. Plan date nights for just the two of you. You're so very fortunate that money is not an issue, because sometimes it's really hard to get out without the kids unless you have family supper or can afford a sitter.

Think about going to couples counseling. Being able to talk to and in front of an objective person can be very helpful. They can see things that you can't, and ask questions to prompt dialogue.

The biggest issue for my husband and me is communication. When we talk thing are good. When we get busy playing parallel in the sandbox, things aren't good. Tell your husband how you're feeling, and get started rebuilding your relationship... it's really all part of life and growth and change. The person you fell in love with is still there.

And for yourself... take time for yourself. You have the resources to have a sitter a few extra hours a week. Figure out what would fill you up and do that... take a class, get a manicure, take a hike with a friend. You are immersed in taking care of your home and your kids. It's a hard balance, but you need to take care of you too or there's nothing left for anyone else.

My first take on this post was that I feel so sorry for your husband! He is missing out on the family time that will be over in a few years. Second I felt bad for you because we all know the stress!! And even if the family does something to together more often, or he pitches in with the kids every Saturday morning-you will still be the one doing everything and bear the stress, it wont go away that easily.
But I would try to talk to husband about it, from the angle that he and the kids are missing out on something great. The other day my 82 yr old father broke down and cried saying he regrets every evening he worked late, every Sat he worked, he asked if my brother (now deceased) ever complained about this. My father had dinner with us almost every night! We had family vacations every summer! He went to church with us Every Sunday and led the teen youth group every yr we were in it. But -my brother passed away in his 40's and my dad wishes he could say he spent More time with him. So when you talk to your hubby, say less about your stress and more about what he and kids are missing.
As to finding you, he cant help you. Find a hobby, an exercises class and hire a sitter more. I know what it's like to feel all I do is take care of others. If I get an hour for a yoga class, I'm so thrilled to have an hour that's all about taking care of me!

I have been married 24 years and our kids are 12 and 15. We have been through phases where we felt disconnected. Instead of letting feelings fester we find it easiest to bring them out in the open. Ask him, when you have some alone time, if he wants a drink or cup of tea, and when you are sitting together tell him that lately with all the kid issues you miss his company and his conversation. That you are exhausted with all the night wakings, and it feels to you as if you do more with the kids and you have less time to recharge your batteries. Make sure not to accuse him but speak about your feelings. I was often surprised to find that while I thought I was doing the lion's share, he was actually doing a lot that I did not know about (worries about money, maintenance work that he took care of, reasons for his dinners with friends was actually to network,etc.). But once I spoke up and explained that I was at the end of my energy and could not continue on the same way, we made a plan together. And even if I still was overloaded it helped that I knew he was too, and that we decided together what would be left undone. We often just had date-night on the back porch with the baby monitor and a beer.
Finally, since my husband makes a lot more money than I do I try to look at my life that if I lived alone and wanted this life style I would have to get a second job so my second job is the kids and house instead. Sometimes it is just a change of viewpoint that helps, as long as you feel like you are in a partnership and not working all alone.
But if he is just being a selfish sh*t, then let him know that!

One thing we made a priority early on in our relationship and marriage (will be 24 yrs this year) was weekly date night. We have rarely missed a weekly date night because we feel it is very important to remain a couple and do couple things together.

When we had our daughter, now 17, we prioritized weekly babysitter money of about $100/week for our date night. It was WELL WORTH all the babysitter $$ we paid out. Also, you don't have to always do something fancy that costs a lot of $$

My hubby has always been in sales and on the road a lot. I always atttend at least 1 conference a year with him so we have a quick trip together to have couple time. The rest of the time, I was SAHM and his customer service rep. Now we run our own company and I will tell you that it takes a lot of patience to work together 24/7 in business and home life.

I also agree that you need time away for YOU to recharge, reclaim yourself. I go on vacations alone about once a year or so and it is SO WORTH it. If you don't feel comfortable getting on a plane and getting out of town for your vacation.... book a nice hotel in your town with a spa and go there for a while. If you choose to stay local, make sure you are staying alone... no kiddos, no hubby just YOU.

Start out by menaingful date nights and book a trip for yourself.