Nephews Taken Away from Family

There are a couple of things here that make me think you may be being used in a situation you don't really know enough about. First of all, why is it YOU that is being asked to contact this woman? Why not the father himself, or your husband or SOMEONE who was EVER related to her.

I have to say that the fact that she " kept moving further away and getting judges to side with her in imposing strict visitation guidlelines" points to there being a bit more to the story than you may understand. Family court judges do NOT create obstacles to parental relationships, they protect them, so if there are strict guidelines, they are there for a reason... also, guidelines or not, why isn't he seeing his kids?

That said:
My advice is to send her one last email in support. Tell her you're sorry for your part in all of this and for not being there for the kids. Apologize for whatever you have to apologize for and tell her the truth about the grandmother and let her do with that what she will. YOU may think it is mean to the grandmother if she can't see the children, but SHE is responsible for the CHILDREN. Your mother-in-law wants to see her grandchidlren for HERSELF, not because she thinks THEY want to see her. Give their mother the information and she can decide what is best for her children.

HTH
T.

First of all, no, you do not tell her that grandma is dying as a way of guilting her into doing what your family wants. You already stated that you don't want the boys to find out from their own mother - so you wouldn't be telling her in their best interest, you would be telling her to try to win the situation. Using the death of someone to force someone else to do what you want is an awful thing to do.
Secondly, your daughters wanting to see their cousins has no bearing on anything whatsoever. These are not siblings of theirs, they are extended family. There is no reason that their feelings should matter here, or ever. They may never see their cousins again, and thats ok. It isn't siblings that they are missing. I would stop telling them that they will see the cousins again, as you don't know that that will actually happen and it isn't in your control. Simply tell them that you don't know, and for now they can be friends with their friends.
Thirdly, no one on this forum has any idea what that womans marriage to your brother was like. You state that you don't either. We all want to believe that our brothers are good people who would love their kids and take care of their families, but that doesn't always make it true. Maybe he was abusive, or a cheater. Maybe it's true that he doesn't try to contact them - it's not possible for one woman to continually brainwash judges all over the country. Hearing that she's won sole custody tells me a LOT about what kinds of things your brother may have done.
Lastly, it doesn't matter that your MILs greatest wish is to see them again. Their mother gets to make the decisions for them as they are HER children. I doubt the boys will be ruined for life if they don't see their grandma before she dies, and if no judge is allowing contact with their father, then there is no reason that she should allow contact with anyone in his family. It may suck for you guys, but you are not her family, and she is responsible for the wellbeing of her family, not the feelings of her ex husbands relatives.
It sounds like you and your family have a lot of bitterness towards her - hence your comments about her 'brainwashing' her children and you not trusting her to tell her own kids that their grandma is dying, and you stating that she is 'brainwashing' judges - and that certainly isn't going to help you in seeing them again. If she asked you not to contact them again, I would respect that request. Only your brother needs to be fighting to see them, and if he is a good man and good father, then he will get that chance in court.

I would tell her the truth. You've been asked to make this contact by a dear friend of your MIL and you are making it on behalf of your MIL. It has nothing to do with your BIL, or their marriage or what went down that your BIL hasn't seen his kids in 3 years (but I'll tell you, I think that's way out there that he hasn't seen his kids in 3 years). You don't have to take a position for or against simply say "I am sorry I upset you. I was actually trying to make contact because Jane is very ill and expressed a genuine concern to be able to just talk to the boys. If you were to allow the boys to do this, it certainly does not have to involve contact with any other family members and it would make a woman who is dying very happy and give her some closure. I don't mean to pressure you, I was asked to make this contact on her behalf. All I ask is that you give it some thought and I thank you sincerely for whatever consideration you feel comfortable giving to this possibility."

It sounds like something bad happened while they were married that she thought the grandmother knew about. I don't understand how he has tried (no offense) to contact them for 3 YEARS and has somehow never been able to contact them. I don't believe that judges would be brainwashed in every state. If multiple judges side with her it sounds like something very serious that you may not know about happened. I don't believe 6 judges (if one in every state took her side) would be "brainwashed". All in all, I think something could have happened that he won't admit to. I'm not trying to be offensive at all and am sorry if it comes across that way. I would stay out of it just because their mom could have very good reason to keep those boys away from him.

My ex husband goes around saying what a good guy and dad he is even though he was physically abusive to me and stopped all contact when I left him and didn't text or call about her for a year and a half so far. Just saying you never know what the real story is. Without knowing her personally it's hard to say if she's just being mean but the response she gave you sounds like she is protecting her kids from "something". I obviously am just giving an example of my situation but you never know what happened. I have sole custody because my ex is unpredictable and dangerous, even though none of his family/friends believe that he could ever be mean or dangerous.

If this is the grandmother's request, why isn't the father trying to contact her through her work e-mail? If you email back, it would be best to apologize and say you wish you could hear her side of the story and am sorry you haven't, you just never had that opportunity.

Your brother in law should be the one stepping up. Unless he lost visitation for some reason, there is NO way his former wife can legally continue to keep him from his children. He should contact family support so he can find out where his children are living.

You do not owe the woman an apology for just trying to reconnect the family, but as mentioned, the boys father or his attorney should be the ones communicating. Probably better if the lawyer does this. Clearly, the woman doesn't care about the grandparents or the rest of the family. Very sad situation.

Blessings.....

I agree with Amy K. completely. You really don't have any clue what went on in their home before the divorce. Most people don't admit to being abusive wich could be the case. And why doesn't the father have any visitation even in summer? Those are huge red flags, you only know what your BIL tell you. I would leave this woman alone and let the boys father try to get in touch with them through the courts.

I think you owe it to the kids to tell her that honestly that you're sorry that she has suffered so (she perceives she has, and her perception is real, at least to herself).

However, I would then say that you greatly hope she is able to put aside her bitterness and anger over her divorce for a few moments, and listen with an open heart to what you have to say. Then, tell her that the boys grandfather passed unexpectedly, and the grandmother that they loved and were close to as small children is dying of a terminal illness and it is her last wish to at least speak to them before she dies. And that the boys deserve the right to say goodbye to their grandmother, no matter how she (the ex) feels about it. Because this issue is about the boys and the grandmother and their love for each other, not about her hurt and anger. You could add, depending on how you think she might react, that by not allowing them at least this interaction with their grandmother, she is at the very least punishing the boys as much as she is punishing the grandmother, for sins which neither committed.

If she's at all religious (which you may or may not know), you could ask her to pray about it.

And if you can, give her the name of the doctor, so that she can confirm this info for herself. She is probably bitter enough to suspect it might be a ploy.

I think you have been put in an unfair position and in spite of that, you have made a valiant effort with O. hand tied behind your back (not spilling the info about the illness).
I think the right thing is to place the ball squarely in the father's court and he can try to make it happen.
Tough situation, indeed.

This is not your battle. I say leave it alone. If you pray, pray hard for this situation to be resolved. I am sorry your family has to go through this.

This answer may be a little late but here are my two cents. My brother went through something similar and my parents were told by my lawyer that in some states grandparents have rights to see their grandchildren. Perhaps you can call a lawyer and find out if your MIL would in this case. There are so many things wrong about the situation you described and my heart goes out to you and your family. Good luck.

-S.

I would respond to her and say something like "I am so sorry to have to contact you at work again but it is the only means of contact that I have. I am so sorry you feel this way about the family but we are your son's family too and we do love those boys. Regardless of what did or didn't happen between you and my brother or other family members, it is very much in the past. My mother is now very sick and wants to see her grandsons again. She would love a relationship with them but at the very least, one more visit. Additionally, my girls ask for the boys all the time. Is there anyway, as a mother, you can see it in your heart to allow my nephews to visit their grandmother?"

No sense calling her on her lies but it does acknowledge her feelings and the feelings towards her boys as well as a sense of urgency without telling her exactly what is going on with your mother. You may want to be sure to give her contact info on you if you haven't already.

I'd try to contact Child Services to see what the legal available actions would be to ensure the children can say goodbye to their Grandmother. Eventho I generally side with the Mom on most cases regarding children versus and ex and such - this is a bit over the top.

I'm sure the Father has some legal recourse here but unsure why he's not trying harder to get a hold of a lawyer and such to help his Mother her dying wish.

I have a gut feeling that your brother-in-law isn't nearly as saintly as he's coming off here. There are always two sides to every story. If she's as upset as she is, and has distanced herself the way she has, she must feel that she has valid reasons. That's not to say that your brother-in-law doesn't have recourse. He would need to petition the courts again and request that they find her for him. He's entitled to know where his children are, and if there's a visitation order in place she's obligated to follow through with it when he wants to visit.

Anyway, in regard to this particular situation with your mother-in-law, I'm sorry that she has such a sad prognosis. It's very sad and tragic, but I think it was rather a sucky thing to do to put you in the middle of the situation. They had no right to ask such a thing of you, although it was very kind of you to take on that role. If you try to contact her again, I would apologize for upsetting her the first time and be truthful with her. Tell her completely everything but keep it short and simple without emotion or dredging up the past or else it will seem like you're trying to manipulate her. Don't try to make her feel guilty or see the light. In this case, actions will speak volumes. If she says no, then you're going to have to back off and honor it or you'll be harassing her.

I also think it's a bit dodgy on your BIL's part that you did just a little bit of digging and found the ex-wife's work e-mail yet over the past 3 years BIL couldn't find hide nor hair of her and the boys?

I would email her just the facts, FIL died, MIL is terminally ill. Admit to her that you DON'T know the details/truth about her side...it seems that know one does. She seems very clearly running from something/someone in a way that is more than just a divorce. She has taken great measures to distance herself and her children, and while painful for you she seems to be ? victim of some trauma related to the family? I would not force her hand in this as you will drive her away even farther. The kids can rekindle once they are older, but it seems hopeless right now.