Neighbor/Friend Had a Miscarriage, What Should I Do?

Sincere condolances and offers to help, maybe take a meal over, she probably doesnt feel like cooking, offer to do some shopping for her, some loads of laundry....the little every day things that just seem unbearable to get to when we're so very depressed.

I think the flowers are a great idea, with a sympathy card and the option to come talk to you any time she needs to.

The grief of a miscarriage is a lonely grief. I knew I was the only one who had touched the babies I lost. I only knew their spirit. There were no images to remember, only feelings. There is no memorial service, no rituals to follow.

The other aspect of the grief is that she may well know that, at her age, it is likely that she will not be able to have a second child. I've known this double grief. When I lost my last baby, I lost the ability to have children. We wanted 6. We are so very blessed to have our son. But, there is a natural tendency to want to be with your memories of something you have lost. She may want to remember every nuance of the pregnancy as well as to remember her hopes for another child. Of course, she still may want to cling to the hope of another pregnancy.

No one on Mamasource can tell you exactly what to say or do, because each person is different. They have their own beliefs, fears, and sensitivities. But acceptance, kindness, generosity of spirit, and caring always work if you are willing to ask and respond to her needs rather than make assumptions or deliver opinions.

The best thing I've found to do in such situations is to offer options. You could send a card with suggestions of ways in which you can be available to her. People often say, "Let me know if I can help in any way." When someone is lost in grief, they often do not know what to ask for. You can say, "I understand that people have different needs and I want to be able to respond to yours. But, I will need your help to understand what you might need from me. You may want someone to take you shopping and help with your 3 yr. old while you shop. There may be some things you don't want to go out for and I could run an errand for you. You may want someone to take a walk with. I might be able to bring you a casserole for dinner someday when you're not up to it. But, I truly want you to know that I care and that you don't have to be alone in this. If you want to share your thoughts and feelings, I would love to hear them. But, if you prefer to have some time to yourself, please know my heart is with you and your family." Just be sure to be honest with yourself and do not offer anything that you will not be able to do.

If she does want to talk, there is one word you might want to avoid: "Why?" Asking people why they feel anything or suggesting how they should feel never works. But, you can ask what she is feeling and what she might want to do. When she answers, you do not need to offer an opinion. Be honest. There is nothing wrong with admitting that you may not know exactly how she feels, but that you admire women like her who take life's risks and keep moving forward in hope, faith, and love. You can always offer encouragement. If she says she wants to try for another child, many people might ask if she is sure she would want to do that again. This is a discouraging question. Instead, you can encourage her by observing that she has the experience to understand the chioce she is making and simply admire her courage.

If you prefer to send a gift, you might want to send her tickets to something she and her 3 y/o might enjoy together. The pregnancy I lost before my son was born was much more difficult to bear than the 2 I lost after. There is nothing more therapeutic at such times than having a child you can hold in your arms.

One last thought I can share is that sympathy can be a slipper slope. Any time I was trying to hold myself together during a period of grief and someone expressed sympathy, the grief would become stronger. I've learned that there is an art to encouraging those in grief. If she understands that her baby is an eternal spirit, you can find a way to point out that, in the scheme of eternity, she will have far more time with this child than without it. Whether our children are in this world or in the next, the one thing they demand of us is our patience. All in all, a mother sheds as many tears for the children they birth and raise as they do for those that make the leap beyond this world into the next.

You are a kind neighbor and I'm sure you will find a way to express your care meaningfully and in a manner that fits for both of you.

I agree to giving a living Plant or Tree. Maybe a tree that she can plant in the spring. I had a miscarriage 4 years ago and struggled through it alone. I told no one, however, I had mentioned wanting to plant a tree or bush in memory of our little one that we lost. I kept putting it off and one day I was out running errands and called my husband crying. He told me to go "right" now and buy something to plant. I bought a Burning Bush, brought it home and he sent the kids in the house and he and I planted it. I cried, he was there for me and the healing began. I was blessed to get pregnant very soon after that. The pregnancy was easy, but the fear of miscarriage was ever present. It is a tough thing and each person is an individual who has to deal with it in their own way.

The only way you could probly upset her more than she is would be to say something like 'you can always try again' or something else that you know would be insensitive.

It sounds like you are a good caring friend who wants to help. You can tell her that if she needs anything to call you, you can offer to babysit so she can get some rest & meals are always a wonderful thing to do. A listening ear is always appreicated after a loss & if she is the hugging type a hug can also go a long way. If you want to get her something in memory of her baby you could get a figurine. I have one from Precious Moments called 'Our loss is Heaven's gain'. It is an boy angel holding a baby.

Our only daughter was born at 36 weeks & lived for 1 hr. & 16 min. without ever taking a breath. She had complications of amniotic band syndrome. Her case was rare as the band wrapped around her chest & she had little to no lung tissue. We knew for 2 months before she was born that she would not live. Some people tried to say something to make me feel better before they thought about what they were saying. I had an accaintence tell me 'you are young, you can always have another baby' & that was even before our daughter was born! I know now that she was not trying to be hurtful, but those words stung badly.

What she needs right now is rest & someone to listen if she feels like talking. Also avoiding her will only hurt your friendship.

God Bless!

One of my friends had a miscarriage after trying fertility treatments, and based on her experience I can tell you what NOT to say... "well at least you weren't very far along, so you weren't as attached"... "maybe you can look into adoption"... Your friend will be upset about having a miscarriage matter what, so letting her know you care probably won't make the situation any worse. You might just let her know that you're thinking about her, and that you're there if she wants to talk or whatever. Your neighbor is blessed to have people in her life that care so much.

Good Morning B., It's never easy knowing just what to do or how to help. I would call her and let her know her hubby let your hubby know of their loss, when they ran into each other. Let her know how sorry and sad you are for them. Offer to watch their child if she needs a couple of hours down time. Or you can be more personal and just go over, give her a hug, visit with her a while, ask her if there is anything you can do for her personally. Just let her talk if she needs to.

One of our friends had several miscarriages, they decided to adopt. They adopted Lisa, then Tammy, right before they received Tammy, she found out she was 3 months preggers, Complete bed rest for the entire 9 months. Brianne and Tammy are like 6 months apart. They are grown now with families of their own. Ella was in her late 30's through all of this.
Pray for your friend and let her know how much you care.

God Bless you
K. Nana of 5

I had a similar situation with my neighbor/friend a few years back, and it is hard to know what to do.
Yes, you want to acknowledge the loss and let her know you are there for her...but at the same time, it is very uncomfortable. It turned out that my friend wasn't ready to talk about it for a couple weeks, but said that she really appreciated any gesture of support.
I wasn't as close with her then as I am now...so I didn't march up to her door with flowers...I just didn't feel right doing that. I got a card and wrote a little note and let her know I was there if she wanted to talk or just hang out. I didn't hear from her for a couple weeks, and I didn't pressure her. Happily, she was pregnant again a couple months later (but didn't tell anyone for a while...I could notice a "bump" before she admitted it).
I think the most important thing is to not jump into sharing "stories" you've heard or experiences of other friends unless she asks. (Unless you just happen to say something empathetic like, "My sister (friend, whatever) had a miscarriage and I know it was really h*** o* her...I just want to let you know I'm here if you need me.")
The one thing NOT to say is the "logical"...like, "It was for the best", or "most miscarriages occur because of a chromosomal abnormality", etc. She knows this, I'm sure. It doesn't matter. She's mourning the loss of her "baby".
(I only mention this because I've actually heard some people say things like that and I cringe).

Dear B.,
Thank you for being so sensitive and wanting to help your friend in the best way you can. That in and of itself is a beautiful gift. I have been on both sides of this situation, being the grieving mommy and the sincerely saddened friend. There are no magic words that will make it better for her, but you have certainly gotten some wonderful advice on kind and supportive things you can do to show her you care. One thing that I haven't really seen mentioned is that her husband may need some support too. I know he didn't carry the child and can't fully understand how his wife is feeling, but he is grieving too and has the added pressure of being the man who is supposed to hold it all together. I also think about her 3 year old. If he or she knew that Mommy had a baby in her tummy, they might be asking questions about where the baby is and when it is going to come out. Little ones just don't understand and they ask questions because they are trying to grasp what is going on. If we, as adults can't figure out the right things to say, just imagine how confusing this all must be for a 3 year old.
I'm not suggesting at all that you try to be the family therapist, but you know that we mammas are always trying to hold our families together. Right now your friend is trying to hold herself together and that is probably more than she can handle. Maybe your husband can reach out to her husband and maybe you and your children can be a special support for her little one. You can choose whatever words feel comfortable to you, but just let her know that you know this must be hard for all of them, and that you are there to support them all in whatever way she needs. Also, keep them in your prayers. You don't have to be down on your knees, but when your friend or her family cross your mind just ask God to touch them and help them with whatever they are feeling at that moment. You never know when that little prayer will be just the thing they need to get them through when they feel like that can't make it for one more second.
God bless. :)

That's so sad and I''m sorry to hear that. When my best friend had one I sent her flowers and a card. She told me she really appreciated it because many people were just ignoring the situation. That gesture, at least, told her I was thinking about her. I would send a card and let her know she's in your thoughts at the least. Flowers are always nice too.

You know, her age may be a factor, but I don't think doctors really know most of the time what causes it. It happens to young women too, as we all know. So, I wouldn't mention anything to her about her age if you discuss it with her. Just my opinion.

You might also offer a night of babysitting so she and her husband can do whatever they want to reconnect after their loss. Good luck whatever you do. I just wouldn't ignore it like I think most people do.

I have had several miscarriages. That being said I have had my fair share of people doing or saying the wrong thing. I actually had someone tell me after the last one that I had that I already had 2 living children (1 died at 13 months old) why was I so broken up over it! I would tread lightly. I am certain she knew her age was a factor, but that doesn't make it any less painful. Sometimes just calling to see how she is doing without even bringing the miscarriage into the conversation forefront is a good thing...That way she can talk to you about it if she feels like she can or wants to. So often people think that they are helping by "making" conversation about it. She will come about to talk about it in her own time. With this kind of stuff it is best to go simple but thoughtful, nothing too over the top in the gift area.

Hello B.,

I really don't think you have anything to worry about. Most people are understanding enough to know that these kinds of situations make some uncomfortable. All you need to do is be there for her, offer a shoulder, and an ear. She may not even need advice, just someone who'll listen.

Offer your services; ie. helping out with a meal, babysit her 3 yo., helping her with daily chores. All these things may seem small to us, but it could be just enough to help her make it through her day. I'm sure anything you do to help will be tremendously appreciated.

She's blessed to have a friend like you! Keep us updated.

God Bless you and your family, ls

I didn't read all the responses but here is my two cents worth. I had a miscarriage at 17 weeks. So, here is what not to say - You now have an angel in heaven looking down on you (the person wants a baby in their arms) - you can have more children (how do you know? It is all in God's plan, not ours). The responses that said to offer to bring food - do. I didn't feel like cooking - I was depressed. Offer to help with the 3 year old. My 2 year old at the time needed someone other than her crying mom. The most thoughtful thing my sister-in-law did for me was to send me a card the week my baby was due, letting me know she loved me, that God loved me and that she was there for me.

Sometimes listening is the best thing. You might take her a meal for her family - that is quite a gift for someone.

I have never had a miscarriage either. However, I think the best thing you could do would be to let her know that you are there for her, whether she wants to talk about it or not. Just be accepting of how she chooses to process her grief...don't say things like I think I know how you must feel...I do think your flowers idea would be totally appropriate, or a sympathy card. The worst thing you can do is ignore it, then she might think she can't talk with you about it. And then things are just more awkward between the two of you. About a week or so after sending the card or flowers invite her out to lunch or maybe over to your house for a spa-type afternoon for just the two of you.

I think alot of people miss the point that in most miscarriages they happen so early there is no real closure because there is no funeral. I had a friend who miscarried and they did choose to have a funeral. It really helped them feel more connected and that they had a say in what happened to this baby. A lot of people say well meaning things but they are repeated so often it just makes things open up again for the parents. I think the best thing to do is to offer a living plant, flower, or tree in the child's memory and that way the parents have someplace to go even if there was no funeral. The can feel like they have a place to "be with" that child. I can't say I understand but I can imagine how I might feel is probably the best way to put it.

Just be there for her. When I miscarried at 15 weeks, I was a military wife, lived far away from family and didn't really have any friends. It was a tough time in my life. I went through a lot of grief and depression and had pain from the miscarriage just like having a baby so I didn't have a lot of energy to keep up with everything for at least a month. I also had 2 little ones to stay strong for and continue to care for. Call her often or visit and offer to help with the 3 yr old. Just having you there would probably be a great help and show her love and compassion.

Go see her, and tell her you heard about the miscarriage and tell her you are sorry. What ever you say, don't say it wasn't a baby, and don't say that there is always another either. As a mother who had 7 miscarriages before my first child was born, I was devastated to say the least. It will take a little time for her to deal with things, but just be supportive and tell her you care. And if she wants to talk about it, give her a friendly shoulder, and let her cry if she wants.

Well, if you are being led to do something then you need to do something. The main point is that she is hurting and we all understand being hurt. When you reach out to hurt it lets her know that she is not alone, even though you may have never been in her shoes.

I'm sure my response will be like so many others, but after having been in this situation I feel like I HAVE to respond. Strange as it may sound, it made me feel better when people acknowledged my pain rather than not saying anything. I would also offer to help with something specific because most people won't say anything if you say "What can I do to help?" One of the best things I received was a charm necklace--it was a square with a little handprint in it specifically for people who have had a miscarriage. I have two children now but that charm is still special to me. Good luck.

I think it would be kind of you to take her a simple, small bouquet. Just tell her you're sorry for her loss and that you're sure thinking of her. No need to say more, but be a good listener. So often, people are ready to tell their horror story, or stories they've heard. I had one friend console me by telling me she's had 5 miscarriages before she was successful in having another baby. I thought, holy cow! I might have to face this 4 more times?!! Simple is better. Condolences, an expressions of caring, and a good ear.

I would feel sad to.However does she realize that her age could be a huge factor in the miscarriage.If you speak to her just ask her how she feels and lend an open ear

Different people react to this differently. You should call her or visit her and express your condolences. "I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for your loss" Nothing fancy. If she wants to talk about it, let her talk about it. If she doesn't want to talk about it, talk about something else, let her know that she can count on you if she needs something. Check on her once in awhile, she may feel differently as time goes by.
You're a good friend.

I have had 2 misscarriages while I had been trying to get pregnant and you are right I didn't want everyone to ignore me but on the other hand I didn't want them to really mention it.The only thing that I could advise is when you see her just give her a hug to let her know you are there for her and say something like let me know if you need anything.You could say I'm very sorry.It just depends on the person.It's just like going up to the family at a funeral and saying I'm sorry for your loss some people are ok with that and some it makes it worse to get that constant reminder.I'm sure she would love Flowers and/or a card,sometimes that's better than saying anything.You would be showing her you care but not mentioning her loss.It's not what people say it's their actions,and you have to be very careful what you say.Do not ask questions about it,if she wants to share the details she will.You might offer to take the child for a playdate for a couple of hours.She needs time to mourn and her body needs time to heal.You might see if she wants to get out for lunch or a shopping trip.Sometimes getting out and getting your mind off of it is good,vs.sitting in the house constantly thinking about it all day.In time she will learn to m accept the loss and move forward and the best and only thing I think you can do is just offer support.

Don't ignore her ! Don't treat it like the elephant in the room. Go to her, take flowers if you want, though a pre-prepared meal might be more appreciated. Tell her you are so sorry, and don't ask but TELL her you are available for anything she needs. Listen to her, then take your cue from her, just like you would any other death. Some parents want to talk about it, others don't. Just let her take the lead.
God bless you for caring so much.
:o)