Needed Advice for First Pregnancy

Of course you are stressed out. This is a life changing event. You need to think through - do you want a child now? Do you want a child with this man? If not - he will still be the father, so you will be tied together for at least 18 years, whether or not you stay together as a couple. If you are not ready to have a child - you do NOT have to. Abortion is safe and legal. So is adoption. Neither one will in any way prevent you from having another child if and when you are ready.

Also - the statistics show that the VAST MAJORITY of women do NOT suffer long term regret and sadness following an abortion.

40% of pregnancies in this country are unplanned (hard to believe, huh?) and 50% of those end in abortion. So whatever you decide, please don't let the markedly anti-choice opinions on this board keep you from making whatever decision is right for YOU.

I would also re-evaluate why you feel that you have the 'right' to stop working when you have a child, but your fiance should work more. Maybe it would be better (if you elect to stay together and continue the pregnancy) for you to continue to work and him to stay home. Or for you to cut back to 40-50 hours a week and him to work a bit more. Sorry but in today's economy staying home is a financial LUXURY. And it may or may not be fulfilling to you. Most families have two working parents.

First off, take a deep breath. You just found out you are pregnant, and are unprepared. This happens to so many people. It's a very unsettling feeling at first, and completely normal for you to feel this way. It sounds like the both of you are dealing with this news, and are very stressed by it.

Here is my story
My husband and I were the same way. I was 24, he was 26. We had a one bedroom apartment, and were both workaholics. WE got pregnant, and it definetly wasn't planned. I was terrified, to say the least. I suffer from an anxiety disorder, so my stress/anxious thoughts were hightened to say the least. Not to mention that my parents lived far far away from me, and I didn't have many friends at the time.

It took about a week for me to work through my feelings, insecurities, etc and process what was going on. The main thing that kind of woke me up, was my visit to my PCP. She flat out asked me when I wanted to have an abortion. I told her I am not going to have one. She was surprised, as she knows how anxious I am about all kinds of things, and well, she assumed I wouldn't be able to go through with it. For some reason, that made me want to prove her and myself wrong. That I CAN be pregnant and have a child. It got me out of my head, and on to planning.

I. I got very organized. Cleaned my apartment, organized,etc.
2. I had a sit down with my husband( BF at that time) and we discussed all of our issues, financial and emotional.
3. I asked my family and close friends for support.
4. I bought the book " what to expect when you are expecting" - this is a great gift to yourself when you are pregnant.
5. I took one day at a time

I can't say that it was an easy experience, and you will need to work hard, but I will tell you that it gets better. Having a child is such a gift. Their are resources out their that will help you. I was honest with everyone about my feelings and situation. Especially my work. I was lucky that they were very accomodating. But it is important to ask for help. Don't be afraid to do that.

My son is 8 now, and my life is much better. My husband and I got married when I was 8 months pregnant. We had a formal religious ceremony after he was born. So, we have been married for 8 years, we have a home, and we both work very hard to make sure our son has what he needs.
Things will get better.

My first pregnancy was planned about a year after we were married. I still felt a huge sense of panic and stress. I can't tell you whether your relationship is going to work or whether your fiance wants to work harder or even be a father. I can tell you that a baby is already on the way at this point. Schedule your first appointment with either an OB or a midwife. Since you are young, this is a first baby, I would highly suggest a midwife! If nothing else, a midwife is cheaper than an OB and will take more time working with you on your health and well being.

Staying home with the baby may not be an option - but you need to decide what you are doing about your relationship first. Keep in mind that whether you get married or not, this man will be the father of your child and you are now tied to him for the rest of your life through your child. If you don't marry him, you will still be forced to have a relationship if he chooses to be a part of your child's life. Do not get married to make other people happy - it won't work. You might get married though because you realize that there was a reason you stayed with your fiance as long as you have and you said yes when he proposed. Try to remember what your reasoning was...

Next, get some medical care - the earlier the better.

Also, clean up your apartment. You don't need a ton of space for a baby. We had our baby in our bedroom for the first year of his life. You also don't need a lot for your baby. You can make things less expensive by being minimalist. Breastfeeding is much cheaper than formula.

Finally, if you decide that you don't want to raise a baby - please consider having the baby and giving him/her up for adoption. There are so many couples who would like to have a baby and are unable to have one. One of my best friends has suffered from infertility for years and has had her heart broken twice by adoptions that did not go through. Your child's father will have to agree to sign the adoption papers so that is something that you would have to get him to agree to. You could even do an open adoption where you pick the baby's adoptive family and maintain some level of contact with your birth child.

There is no greater gift from God than a baby but Carl Sandburg says it best, "A baby is God's opinion that life should go on."

Hugs and best wishes,
C.

Even under the best of circumstances an unplanned pregnancy is a shock to the system. Think about it. We spend our entire adult lives trying to prevent pregnancy and then it happens and it is like, "oh my gosh!"
Each person handles the news their own way. I think the feeling of being overwhelmed is typical.
Try sitting down with your fiance and mapping out your concerns about this next step in your life and tell him what you need from him. If he can commit to supporting you and the baby - Great! If not, then you will have more questions to answer. I also agree with the parent who suggested really looking at your budget and what is financially needed and what is wanted and put together a plan to acheive it:)
You can do it!

Of course you are stressed out. You are about to have a life changing situation come that was something that was supposed to happen years from now, you have had the "choice" part of it taken away.

I would stop worrying about all of this. You have this work issue due to going without during your childhood.

I have a friend that I was a nanny for her children for a few years. Now, this woman is a college professor with tenure. Back in the mid 90's she was making mid $30K per year. Almost 20 years ago. Her hubby was making nearly 4 times what she made, that's right, over $100K per year. They did not have a glorious mansion, new cars, none of the private schools, no huge credit card debt, nothing that their income did not cover completely with lots left over.

She had grown up rather poor, she had actually been raised by another family member due to her parents inability to raise her and feed her. This woman could go out every day and spend $100 for groceries if she wanted to and they could afford it.

She hoarded food. They had a walk in pantry and it was always so full that stuff would fall off the shelves if you bumped it slightly. Because she had done without food as a child she had a compulsion to always see food as something that she had to have in abundance. In my mind she had way too much. Even with all these children she had food that never got touched. She had so much in there that was out of date, so much that no one even liked! She had to hoard food because her mind kept telling her she was going to run out.

This seems to me to perhaps have a similar theme to what you are stating in your letter. You have a compulsion to work, to "horde" money, to put yourself at risk of a health issue just because you "have" to earn enough. There is Never enough money.

There are thousands of people out there in the real world who have children and they don't work as many hours as you do, some do have help from a sig. other that perhaps you feel you don't have but when a child is involved that a mom always finds a way.

There are moms out there who have 1 or more kids, is single, and only works one job, and lives very happy. Your body is changing and your are having natural anxiety, top that off with the environmental issues...you have a recipe for one way stressed out L..

Take some time, take a deep breath, take a moment to close your eyes and visualize your child. He/she is snuggled up inside listening to your heartbeat. She/he will love you no matter what. Life has a way of working things out.

Facts are that most normal people have to have both mom and dad working. I do think that choosing a lifestyle that is affordable for your income is worth weighing. Since he is not making enough money, may not even have the education or skills to make more money, and you may have to face facts that he is happy like he is. Not a bad thing, you are the one that seems to be worried about the extra's.

Take a piece of paper and list the things you have that you can afford. Like your home. Is it within your budget, 30% of the whole income should be considered how much to budget for housing. Including utilities and insurance. Can you find less expensive but still adequate housing? We lived in a 1 bedroom apartment for the first year of my daughters life. She slept in her crib in our room.

You have been with this man for over a decade as a friend and over half that as a couple. You know him, you care about him. You both need to sit down and talk but he is not going to automatically have the same issues as you do.

Give him some time to process that a baby is coming. For most men a baby isn't a real thing until they actually hold that baby and look in it's eyes and fall in love with it. They do not play Mommy with their baby dolls as a child, they do not see a baby at the mall and automatically think of how cute and want to go play with it, they are just not wired that way. Women are typically wired to be a nurturer, it's instinct. That is why you are stressing out over this and he is not. He may not even "get" what has you so worried until the baby is several months older and he finds he does not have money to go get diapers. Then he will "get" it and start the process of being a better provider. Give him a chance to grow up, you cannot make him into a dad, he has to go there himself or he won't be the best one he can be.

I think what you are feeling is probably normal. The hormones make you have some crazy thoughts! With that said, you will need to figure out what you need to do to feel good about bringing this baby into the world. Think about it, and then try to have a reasonable conversation with your boyfriend, one that doesn't involve you attacking him, etc. Just sit down and say "I feel like I am drowning, I know some of it is pregnancy hormones, but things are going to a have to change around here.I want more for our children than we had....We need a bigger place, we need to make more money, but I'm not going to be able to work all the hours I currently work. How are we going to do this?"

You have 9 months to make a plan and get things rolling. It's a very short time, but you'd be amazed by what you can accomplish in that time period with mommy hormones running through you ;-)

Totally normal.

Have fun with the "nesting" that'll happen about 7-9 months pregnant. :)

It may not seem like a good idea now but this child is a blessing as all children are. My friend had an unexpected baby right at the time when she lost her job and she never wanted children but she has a beautiful baby girl now who she has found her joy in life with. There has never been a mother who doesn't regret her abortion at some point in her lifetime. What seems like a quick fix now will be a lifetime of heartache. Things have a way of working out there are many services out there to help and living in a one bedroom apartment will work out fine. God bless u and carry you through this.

Everyone is right that being stressed out is to be expected.

I only want to add that I had serious anxiety with both of my pregnancies. The first pregnancy, I thought I was afraid of being a mom, afraid of changes, afraid of the cost, etc., and I probably was, but when the anxiety came with the second pregnancy I couldn't understand it because I was so exited about being pregnant, and didn't have any major concerns. So I went to talk to my doctor. It turns out that the pregnancy hormones can lead to extreme anxiety and depression in some women, similar to PPD, which in turn can cause insomnia, which makes you feel even more stressed and worried because you're too tired.

I am not saying that your concerns are not valid - they absolutely are. But I would talk to my doctor to see if some of your problems might be hormonal. Taking care of that issue will lighten your load in other ways.

Good luck.

Girl I went through this when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter 3 years ago! Suddenly I couldn't stand my fiancee(now husband) and he had a great job, 2 cars, and a beautiful place to live-I think part was hormones and the other part that scared me was the permanence of it all. I had an amazing man who was everything I wanted but I was scared because I felt like I (for once) couldn't control our situation-I couldn't leave, I had to face being real for a change I even resented the baby I was pregnant with-I knew I could never terminate the pregnancy but I so didn't want to have her. I was a single parent already btw.
Does your fiancee know that you want to stay at home with the baby? Does he know you will need him to step up to the plate even more? Men don't read minds as I'm sure you know and you will have to spell out for him exactly what you need and want from him-and you will probably have to do some compromising. Likewise he needs to tell you what he needs and wants and you will have to listen.
As for your financial situation-I would agree that he probably needs to find some more work so 1. you won't resent him more, and 2. If something happens to you while pregnant and you can't work at least you have a fair amount of money flowing in. Also start saving as much as you can right now-stop or cut down on eating out, coffee etc as the money adds up quickly. If you want to keep this baby start buying at least one package of diapers and wipes a pay period-that way after baby comes you should be well stocked. If you aren't already to to get on WIC, several of my friends are on it and just love it!
I would also advise you to lighten up a little on your fiancee-you are 6-8 weeks which means you found out only very recently you were expecting-sometimes we expect drastic changes overnight-he may not even be aware there is a problem and just thinks you are hormonal. Talk to him!

First off, I usually found out that I was pregnant because I would get super stressed out over everything. It is normal for your emotions and hormons to cloud everything & make everything seem overwhelming and worse then it is.

As for the one bedroom apartment - my babies all 6 of them shared our bedroom to begin with. I always felt safer with them near me to begin with... then they are moved to the dinning room with is the room next to my bedroom before they are moved upstairs around 6 mo or a year. So, if you don't mind sharing your bedroom to start, the one bedroom isn't an issue - you have time to look for a larger place and don't have to settle on something you don't like.

Low income doesn't mean bad parent and high income doesn't mean good parent... it just means you can or can't buy everything the want. I am low income - most people are amaze at how much I can do with what little we make. Yes, I have to tell my kids that I can't buy them everything they want, but we do have our own house, the utilities are paid (most of the time) and on, food is always on the table and they always have clean clothes & shoes without holes in them. My kids get lots of hugs and kisses and respect & listen (most of the time - they are kids you know). My kids are also loved by so many, because they are such loving kids.

I had my first at 17 and my last 17 years later just 3 mo ago. Yes, many people though I was nuts having my oldest so young, but I couldn't hurt her. With my youngest we did talk to the doctor about the safety of having her... we figured after my son born in 2010 and the bloodclot I had after him I was done. But when I went to sign the papers to get my tubes tied in March 2011 - I found out I was pregnant. We did talk about the cloting issue and how safe it was for me to carry her. I was high risk with her and on bloodthinners with her. I did suffer a mini stroke about 3 weeks before my due date, but delivered her without a hitch. When she was less the 2 weeks old I suffers a group of mini strokes and fell in a parking lot during one of them - hit my head with causes a brain bleed since I was on bloodthinners, taken off the tinners for 2 weeks and then they found clots in my sholder 1 in away from my heart and 2 in my brain. I did spend nearly 3 weeks away from my family & baby in the hospial w/ nearly a week of the in ICU. But despite all the issues then, now and to come - I would not give up my pretty little girl or any of the other 5.

As for your man - you need to deside if you want to be with him or not. Remember, hormones do change the way you think... make sure it's not them talking before you make your desition.

As to the baby - only you can deside if you can handle it all. Remember there are other options too. Abortion is not the only option... but if that is what you are considering - look into it, make sure it is safe and that you can have children later if it is done.

I wish you the best of luck!

It is normal to feel this way. It is a big responsibility.

BTW, at 5:15 in the morning, pregnant women should be in bed asleep. We are human beings and your body just took on a second job. Rest, eat well, keep hydrated, take your pre-natal vitamins, keep those doctor appointments and exercise sensibly.

He may take a second job or find a full-time position soon or as soon as the pregnancy and all becomes real to him. He may act when your belly expands and the baby quickens. Try to talk to him gently to dream and PLAN together how your lives will unfold.

You may wish to return to work on a reduced schedule after your Maternity Leave or not go back to work at all for a few years.

Look into child care and nursery schools now. Depending upon your location, you may need to sign the child up for Kindergarten and/or Pre-school soon, while you are pregnant. Ask local parents of young children about the schooling situation?

Babies do not keep. They need rocking and singing and a lot of loving from both of their parents, aunts, uncles and grandparents.

Babies are great. Try to realize how lucky you are.