Follow up to the My Daughter Told Me the Most Shocking News Ever

Well I got pregnant at 17 and am so thankful I miscarried. I think you need to talk to her about money. She needs to have a conrete plan on supportingherself and this baby. I don't think its unreasonable for you to tell her that she can't live with you if she keeps the baby. If she goes to a doctor early enough she can take a pill to terminate the pregnancy. However this is only a very early option. I know someone who did this and said she only felt some mild cramping

I feel for you, I really, really do. On the adoption side, I would contact a local adoption agency and ask them how to try to nudge her in that direction. I loved the idea of putting to paper the costs involved in having a child. Please keep us updated, and message me if you need a friendly ear.

Did she want to get pregnant?
What were her original plans?
College, Trade school, Work?
What does SHE want to do?
How will they at least finish high school with a baby? How will that work?

Does she understand if they keep the baby they will always be linked because they are both the parents, forever? That means if they marry it is FOREVER, if not they will have shared custody until the child is 18 years old? Holidays will be shared with each others families.

Has she or he ever been around infants? Ever have to REALLY care for a child? How about a infant that does not feel well, is not a good sleeper? Do they understand how much everything costs? Diapers alone are shocking and how many the baby will go thru each week.
What will they do if, gosh I hate to even mention this, but if the child is special needs?

Also how are they going to pay to care for this child? Are they going to go to work, school and take care of the child? This is not anyone else's responsibility. Do they really understand this?

Adoption is also forever. It is a gift to people that cannot have a child of their own and have the means to care for an infant. But once the baby is actually adopted there is no turning back. There can be open adoptions or all sorts of ways to work with the adoptive parents if they agree.

I remember in High School I took a "Home and Family Living" course. One of the projects was to get a local classified ads. Based on my skill at that time.. (no diploma and limited skills) find a job and figure out the salary.

Then deduct taxes etc.
Figure in transportation (car insurance, fuel).
Then look for a place to live that I could afford based on what was left.

Average monthly bills, electricity, phone, food, clothing (diapers, child care)

It was a true wake up call, and I was not factoring in the cost of a baby at that time.

I swear this is why even though I married young, we did not have a child till we were 30 and we knew we would only have 1 child. We needed a home, good jobs with good insurance and benefits.. I figured out saving for college and all of the other basics, child care, we really could not afford more than 1 child.

I told my daughter about your post last night. Her first thought was also adoption. We have a few neighbors that traveled to other countries to adopt.

Our daughter said you "should have this young man and your daughter.. read through mamapedia and see what other parents who are not 16 struggle with".. Who planned to have children still struggle every day as parents.

These people are educated, people with their own homes.. that struggle to be good parents. they are so concerned, upset about how to care for their children because it is such a huge responsibility to care for a completely helpless human 24/7. The child will always come first. No quitting in the middle of the night.

I hope whatever they decide you can support their choices. But I really hope they can be mature enough to be honest about what they can realistically handle. Whatever they decide, I am sending all of you peaceful hearts.

No hate mail here. It takes a smart person to know their limits. I think your best bet is to sit your daughter down with a budget and a list of ways her life will change if she decides to keep this baby. Or maybe set her up with a counselor at the school or Planned Parenthood? She might take advice better if it's coming from an outside party?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Just this morning I thought of you when I picked up my granddaughter Rosalie. I know the choice we've made is not for everyone, but I can't tell you how much joy she has brought into my heart. My daughter is 15. She told me that all her friends have had scares and taken tests and she expected hers would be negative just like all of theirs and when it wasn't, she didn't know what to do but she knew she didn't think her baby should die because she made a mistake. I will tell you that yes my husband and I do share in the parenting and the financial parts. We have zero space and no money, but I wouldn't trade her for the world. She is such a beautiful blessing and everything happens for a reason. Our business partner tells us about how he forced his daughter at 15 and 16 to have 2 abortions. After that she had to have a hysterectomy bec she had a tubal pregnancy and will never have a child.....so she drinks....like a fish. She can't stop. She calls her dad up in the middle of the night drunk crying saying its all his fault. Granted...its not his fault but...in her mind it will forever be his fault. I feel for you. But try to see passed the feelings you're having right now. Do what's right for your family but decide together or its going to tear your family apart.
***adding on to my reply ..I hate the message system on here**
My daughter talked a lot like yours when it came to having kids and since she has two younger brothers she did the same thing when it came to babysitting...but I think as with all kids and parents, its diff somehow when its your own baby. She will likely still be selfish in nature because she is a teen just like my daughter, but what I have done is set parameters as to what I will and won't help her with...like, if it comes to school, I will be happy to help. Playtime? Not as much...it has to be earned. Also if you're worried about supplies, I have found that as soon as people get that its a teen mom they are helping, my experience has been that everyone has donated almost everything she needs.
I know those things are a long way from the core topic but I thought it may be helpful. Hang in there hun. This is a forum with every side of an argument you could ever ask for. Take the advice that is useful and leave what's not. This just happens to be a really red button issue.
Please let me know if there is any way I can help. I really do understand.

Wow! I'm sorry you are going through this. Very tough situation.

Be glad that your daughter lives in a country where she has options.

Personally, I might take her to Planned Parenthood or other crisis pregnancy center that can calmly and factually explain all of her options.

I realize she is a child, but she has a very adult decision to make. I think SHE needs to make this decision for herself.

That said, you are within your rights to explain the consequences of her deciding to keep the baby as far as your support--financial, physical and emotional. Sounds harsh to tell her that if she keeps the baby, she will need to leave your house, etc., but really it's the only fair way to lay the foundation for her decision-making, right?

Ask her to at least talk with an adoption agency. Don't push just talk. Many have excellent councelors they work with, and nothing is final until she says it is. They also have resources avialable to birthmoms that decide to keep their children, they will work with her to give her the knowledge and tools to make up her own mind. She needs to feel she has the power to make the decision. It is a very hard place to be.

I gave a child up to adoption, it was my choice. Years later my niece was going to do adoption, just after giving birth I talked to her and told her it was her choice. She had never had anyone that told her that. She decided to keep the baby and while it is hard they are doing very well. People who said they wouldn't help are helping.

Be a safe place for her. Help her find the resources to make this decision on her own.

My daughter also said she didn't want kids. But when she got pregnant everything changed. She said many times she didn't want kids, didn't like them, and she has been horrible towards her little sister. But she loves her son. Sorry...still an excuse that doesn't wash.

To the woman here that thinks she was a burden on her grandma.. No way. My grandson is NOT a burden on me EVER. The only thing that is burdensome is letting him go as my daughter gains confidence and takes over more on her own. Children are a blessing from the Lord ALWAYS. My spiritual father/pastor/friend just told me this week that God does not order what he can not pay for. Let that sink in. Just because we don't know how things will work out, does not mean they don't or won't.

You have absolutely no right to try and push her towards adoption. That is a HUGE decision that only SHE can make and it's not one without TERRIBLE consequences. I know you are shocked and upset and I've been there. Yeah, yeah...I thought I raised my daughter better too. But it's time to grow up honey. It wasn't my parents fault I got pregnant and it wasn't your parents fault you got pregnant. It's not our fault our children became pregnant.

Do you realize the message you are sending to your daughter? You kept her. But now you are going to tell her that she wasn't worth it. You are telling her that you wish you had not kept her and that the best thing to do is just give the baby away like a person would give away an unwanted cat or dog. I know it's a viable option and some people have great stories about adoption. BUT MANY DON'T. It's too soon to be having that discussion.

There are many wonderful services and agencies that would help her. Have her check out The Light House in Kansas City if you don't have something similar.

Oh yeah and babies don't need a lot of room. That's laughable.

Please don't make hasty decisions right now. Your daughter has a life growing in her, it's HER decision, not yours. Please try to put yourself in her shoes, I'm sure she is scared and the decisions that come from this will last a lifetime. It's not easy to put your baby up for adoption and not something you should try to force on her. You can have her emancipated and she can get on welfare to help with the cost.
You are a mother, do you remember carrying your daughter and giving birth to her? You are telling her that YOU made a wrong decision by keeping her.

Just reading your last question and not the answers, and this one and the what happened you need to come to terms with you cannot make your daughter do anything. Accept it move on.

Once you have accepted that you need to speak to her as you would an adult. Not the mom telling her little girl what she must do. Looking at your last post on this subject you have told her a lot of things that she clearly didn't listen to. That isn't working so knock it off, try something new.

How about starting with I know this is h*** o* you and I would love to help but we are strapped, there is no more room, how are you going to make this work. Start empowering her to make her own decisions instead of rebelling against yours.

The OP is in shock... it's not really the time to pass judgement on her, or push our own personal beliefs on her. She just wants support, and needs to vent.

And, I disagree - the OP should get a say in what happens, because this is going to alter her life forever, too.

It should be a family decision, with every coming to a mutual agreement.

ETA - OMG! What the hell is wrong with you people! This woman is coming here for support & she is essentially being called a murderer. JUST BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE SOMETHING IS WRONG, DOES NOT MEAN YOU NEED TO AGGRESSIVELY SHOVE YOUR OPINIONS DOWN A VERY SENSITIVE & DISTRAUGHT PERSON'S THROAT! SHAME ON YOU!

No hate mail here.
No one knows you or your daughters or the fathers circumstances.
But there are plenty of people who'll judge and try to push their opinions on you.
It's why so many simply won't talk about it - to anyone,
It get's brought up on this forum from time to time but there are too many who'll preach you to death either directly or via private messaging.
Hang in there, but think twice before sharing info here.
Just delete the hate mail - it's what I do.

A.--wish I was closer to help you out. I am in illinois and have two beautiful adopted boys and have access to a wonderful birth mother. I have also had to terminate a pregnancy at 6 months because the baby had no chance of survival and my health was at risk (and although I was told by 4 doctors to terminate, the process was exactly the same as abortion and feelings are similar). I agree with many others who say that you have to support her and let her make the decision. This is something she has to own or she will resent you for any regrets she has. Let me know if I can help in any way.

And yes -- such adoptions do exist. My sons birth mom lives roughly an hour away and visits with us whenever she wants! We love her and consider her (and her family) part of our own.

Another thing to consider is that an adoption plan can be made at any time. So if she decides to keep the baby and then realizes she cannot handle the responsibilties a few months after birth--the choice for adoption can be made then. We adopted our one son at the age of 2.

It's not YOUR decision to make. It belongs to your daughter AND the father.

Without a doubt the young man didn't want to sit through a blaming session with you and your family. A better option for helping them through this terrifying and difficult event in their lives is to meet together with both families. It is possible that his family might want to take the child or have good suggestions for options that could be tried. Lay off the guilt trips on your daughter and quit looking at it though your own eyes instead of hers. Give these young people a chance to grow up through this and be supportive of what ever they decide.

Adoption is not the best option for everyone so you can't make her see it's best. One of the best moms I know was pregnant with her first at 16 and you know what as poor as her family was they managed just fine.
Why can't the baby sleep in moms room? She can get welfare, help with childcare so she can finish school, food stamps.

There are ways to make this work! I feel very bad for your daughter. Parents are supposed to love and support your decisions even when they aren't the best choices. For you to try and force her into adoption or abortion as her only options and rather selfish of you. Back off before you end up chasing her away and ruin what little relationship you gave left.

Edited: not everyone likes kids that aren't there own. I know lots of people that love their kids but don't go gaga for other people's babies. I love kids always had but I hated watching my little sister when I was a teenager! Oh and would not have her watch teen mom sure the girls have problems but they all have nice cars and their own places, one even afforded a boob job! Not something most teen moms can afford. You want her to understand find some real women that have had babies as teenagers and let them tell her what it was like.

I know Im late on answering this, however I wanted to give you a little input of my experience as a teenager having a baby.
I had my first baby at the age of 17, last year of high school. Obviously still living with my parents. We lived in a 2 bedroom apartment one bathroom and I had 4 siblings, one small kitchen and a livingroom. The apartment was already too small for the size of our family. Yes my parents were upset/furious/hurt when they found out of my pregnancy but thankfully they never brought up the option of abortion nor adoption, (again we had absolutely no room for another person in our apartment) and my father was the only person working, his income was all we had. Regardless of their financial, small apartment, and emotions knowing that I was pregnant they supported me until this day. My daughter is now 19yrs old and has been the best blessing God has given me. I made it through all by myself, YES my parents and family, supported me but I knew I needed to act fast and needed to find a job. I found a part time job and with time I made my job a carreer. Were ever there's love there's a will...In Gods Kingdom there's space for all of us. Believe me right now your anger is over powering your feelings, but if you allow you daughter to take ownership or her mistakes and let her decide what she thinks she can do- once the baby is here you will find space, LOVE and there will be spare money for this baby. God is giving you this grandbaby for a reason...because he knows you can handle what ever he gives you. Message me if you want to talk or just vent.

God Bless and may God guide you to make the best decision. Hugs!

I saw your first post, but did not respond. And I see this follow up post and have not read any of your responses yet. Please try to talk to her more about adoption. I have extended family that went that route and while no matter what choices she makes will be easy, the adoption route has worked out very well for both my extended family and the baby who was given up for adoption. I also have other extended family (on both sides of my family --my side and my husband's) that have been blessed tremendously by being able TO adopt. Many desperate years went by for one of them before they finally were able to adopt. The other family members went an entire generation before a viable adoption presented itself to them and they were FINALLY able to have a child to raise.

I don't fully understand the culture that exists in the teen/young single adult world right now, but I know that it is increasingly "cool" and accepted to have your baby alone and rather than being "judged" or looked down on for getting pregnant, or having an abortion, they are more likely to be "judged" or looked down on for giving their baby away. Personally, I think it is a highly self-less thing to do. Unlike keeping it or abortion, which I generally think of as very selfish things for the mother to do.
I have not had to deal with this personally, but from a purely objective place, it seems to me that NONE of the scenarios is particularly "good" are far less than the "ideal"... and that ALL of them will have consequences for your daughter that are less than pleasant. However, the only one of the three that does not ALSO put those unpleasant consequences onto the baby is adoption. The mother of a child given up for adoption in today's society is, in my humble opinion, doing the far more loving thing for her baby, than one trying to raise the baby herself with all the associated issues of an immature and uninterested father, and the inability to support herself let alone a baby.
Again, it is very much popular in the culture in that age group, to only see 2 viable options: raise it or abort it. Such a fallacy. There are SO many couples out there who would do almost anything to be able to adopt that baby. Is there a Catholic organization in your area?
Perhaps if you can put together some concrete information to talk with her about, it might help her give that more consideration.
I will add that I know many ladies who have had abortions (when I was part of the younger generation-- college and immediate post-high school age) and ALL of them suffered immensely with the ramifications of having done so. Emotionally. You can't take it back. And it may haunt her forever. (That may not be the case for everyone who has ever had an abortion done, but the ones that I personally know, it has.)
I currently know a young lady that went through this 3 years ago. She kept her baby and is a single mom trying to go to school and work and date and her mom/dad are doing her childcare b/c she still lives at home. She loves her baby, yes. Her parents do too. Does it cramp her parents style? yeah probably- they had their last child out of the house until then... Is it at all possible that her baby might have done better in the long term to have been adopted by a married couple who could not have their own? Yes, it is very possible. Would they have all been sad to have done things that way? Yes. But it would have been self-LESS. Not selfish.
Just my 2¢.
I will say a prayer for you and your daughter tonight.

Once she holds that baby in her arms, she's not going to want the baby to be staying with him most of the time.

As for you wanting her to put the baby up for adoption, I think that is an honorable desire. There are so many families out there that cannot have babies of their own and desperately want one. I am opposed to abortion personally, so I would never encourage that.

I think you have your focus correct, but in the end, it's her decision (as difficult as that is!). I think maybe you could let her explore what adoption entails and read about families who have put babies up for adoption, as well as the families adopting the babies into their home. You could impress upon her how important families are and for the baby to have parents - adults - that can raise and care for the child and love that baby with all their heart. She can love the baby with all her heart, but she is still a child and really has no way of providing for the child...and that is NOT your place.

Adoption is an act of love - not one of irresponsibility. I have known a few moms who put their babies up for adoptions, and the love they felt for their babies was incredible, and it was because of that love that they could give their baby to another family. They knew they weren't in a position to give the baby what they believed was truly the best thing.

I have a sister that was adopted into our family, and it was pretty awesome. I think adoption is amazing. I haven't read the comments on here, so I hope people are being nice! I've read some pretty odd opinions on adoption on here in the past.

It's a really tough situation you're in! Your child is having a child...and your child is the one that gets to choose what to do with the baby. You have very little say. It must be so difficult to know what to do. I'd be careful of coming across too forceful. You don't want her to push back and not fully consider your opinion on things. If she does decide to keep the baby, maybe you could go over with her what that will mean. She'll need to find child care, get a job to support her baby, and she'll need to grow up really fast. If she's going to be a mother, it only makes sense that she has the responsibilities that go along with that.

I speak from no experience at all...I don't know if my advice is even right! I just hope it works out. And, I hope you two are able to grow closer together instead of further apart. (((hugs)))

The only input I can add is to say that you can't make this decision for her - no matter what, she has to decide what to do.

At this point, all you can do is get her professional counseling, get her an unbiased person to give her all of her options.

And as a parent, make a list of your concerns for her. Make sure that she fully understands what "being a grown up" and making grown up decisions involves. Most kids don't understand all that goes into supporting a family, raising a child and how to finance all of this. She definitely needs help understanding things like, where will THEY live, how will she afford diapers, formula, clothes, a bassinet, etc. How will she go to school? How can she work for money and afford child care? Not only all of this, but a crash course in the financials, monthly, annually, etc. You may even need to take her into some sort of "financial" person, so that she hears it from someone other than you.

I can't imagine how YOU must be feeling. I understand that you want a better life for your daughter and how disappointed and angry you must feel. Please try to be the "adult" here and deal with your own feelings separately. You may need to talk with a professional too.

Right now, your job as mother needs to be to inform and support your daughter in whatever course her life takes.

It's not your choice to make.

I know it sucks, but really there's not a whole lot you can do. You can't force her to adopt or abort, or keep it for that matter if that was your desire. Trust me, I understand, my oldest had a pregnancy scare not too long ago (at 17 but not working and just finishing up high school). The best bet is to find a school/crisis center to talk to her if you can. Otherwise, sit down and discuss things with her. Let her know that yea you're mad but that you still love her and want the best in life for her. Show her on paper that you have $x coming in and this, this, and this going out. Let her see in black and white why you are worried about the bills and an extra expense. Find out how she would be contributing to the household income if she was wanting to add an extra mouth to feed. Let her think things through as far as how she would plan on supporting the baby. It might help her realize that adoption would be best, or it might help yall see another way for her to contribute that you're not seeing to start with. Either way, the most important thing is to let her know that while you're disappointed in her actions, she's still your baby girl and you still love her.

I am not one to judge you or send you hate mail and people should not do that.

Please don't make huge decisions based on your feelings. This is a decision your daughter has to make.

You need to talk to some professionals such as Planned parenthood, your Dr., etc and get facts, options and then let you daughter decide what she needs to do. She needs factual information from professionals. It is her body, her baby.

This is a highly emotional time for anyone who is pregnant and most especially in your daughter's situation. Please be there to support her and let her know you love her no matter what. You are both overwhelmed with mixed emotions......... she needs you mom.

Have you looked up Crisis Pregnancy help on the net yet? This big shocker is throwing all of you for a loop and you haven't had time to process. I truly believe the best thing to do is try and de-stress and not commit to any decision right now. The baby is super tiny and not going to be showing up tomorrow. Nothing life altering is going to happen this week, so my advice is to slow down and lower the intensity level. No decisions have to be made today and talking to an outside party can help so much. Crisis Pregnancy centers are so helpful, they give lots of info on abortion and they can help a lot in the area of adoption. The counselors are skilled and helping the pregnant client sort through feelings and make solid decisions and they usually talk with the family members that come as well. They are totally confidential as well. I encourage you to look up Crisis Pregnancy Center in (your area) and give them a call. It is so understandable that all of you are upset but the most rational decisions are made when everybody settles down and the emotional intensity cools off a bit. So breathe mama, it will all be ok, your little girl had sex, most of us have done it. I got prego with my last baby bc I wasn't feelin' the whole condom deal that night, thought it was a 'safe' day, and I am 35 yrs old! I am happy of course, but I am just saying that once you go down the road of having sex, logic can fade away for all of us regardless of how much we know better....she just made a choice in the heat of the moment so cut her a bit of slack if you can. I am sure this whole experience will be very sobering for her going forward. Her life is not over and neither is yours, really call someone and see if talking things out helps bring more clarity to what to do next. Hang in there, sending some prayers your way today!

It's your daughter's decision what she wants to do with the baby. You can't force her to do anything. Maybe you think adoption or abortion are the only options, but they aren't. She does have other options. They're just options you don't want her to take.

If she chooses to keep her baby, why can't the baby stay in her room with her. Why does it have to have it's own room? While I understand you're shocked and angry, imagine how your daughter feels. She being told she has only two options...and the father is being a prick.

I'm just trying to get you to realize that she does have other options, whether you like them or not, and she can make it work.

I'd suggest getting in touch with the boys parents and setting up a meeting with them and the boy. Everyone sit down together and figure out the best solution for everyone.

I understand y'all aren't in a position to care for another child ... nothing wrong with that and this is a FAMILY decision (not just hers) since it will affect the whole family. But the father's family needs to have a say in it also. Maybe they ARE in a position to have the baby with them full time. Maybe that's why he told her what he did.

But I really do recommend a joint meeting ... and the sooner the better. If abortion is chosen as the best option for all involved, the sooner it's done the better. Fewer complications when it's done earlier.

Good luck with everything.

Go to a family therapist if you can. The news is new and you are freaking out. Adoption may be the best option, but it has to be her decision because it's HER BODY and HER BABY. Yes you are angry, disappointed, etc. and you have to deal with that. But you will destroy your relationship with your daughter if you let those feelings make this decision for you and you FORCE and adoption or abortion. And I don't think you can anyway - these things can't be done without her consent. Breathe, and try to get help. I'm not sure if there are resources for unwed young moms, but it might be worth finding out so you have resources.

I can see money as a concern, but space isn't an issue. Babies don't take up much room - my husband I lived in a 1 bedroom efficiency for the first 5 months of my child's life and a very small apartment for the next 5. Babies don't need space, they need love.

adoption or abortion as the only choices?

breaks my heart that your family is dealing with this issue. Breaks my heart even more that by using the above phrase, you may push your daughter out of your life. Words, such as this, spoken in the heat of the moment can create such a gulf between parent & child.

I understand your viewpoint. I understand the logistic & financial sides to this event. I also understand that your daughter helped create this child. This is her child, her choice. Please find a way to calm yourself so you can help lead your child in one of the most soul-wrenching decisions in her young life.

Your anger, your demands, your reactions will make/break your child's choices. Is there someone....a grandparent or a close friend who could step in as mediator between the two of you? Do you attend church....do you know a pastor who could help counsel the two of you? Please, please find a way to find Peace within yourself ....so that you can be the Mom your child needs right now.

You will not get hate mail from me either A.. I feel for you - this is a very tough situation. Frankly, one I hope I am never in with my kids. I feel for you and feel for your family so please understand you have my support. Seek out some professional resources. You want an easier and better life for your kids than you yourself had. Of all people, you as a young mom, know how hard that was. Obviously you want your daughter to go to college and get herself into a good career and good financial position. Adoption is such an awesome opportunity for people who cannot have kids but want them, and could provide a great home. There are even open adoptions, where she can see her kid and everything else. Please see if you and she together can learn about the possibilities.
But one very very important step. Love her, support her, hold her in your arms and really let her know you are there for her - you are her mom. Move past any anger. What's done is done. I personally do not think abortion is a great thing either but I would support her on that if that was her decision. (not influence her to do that but I would not be against it). I hope you let us know A., you're in my thoughts.

I am late to this question, but I really want to share with you, and your how wonderful adoption can be. Yes, it would be difficult and emotional, but the baby would have the oppportunity to live a life without the stress, strain and arguements that can arise from a situation where everyone is pushed to their limits, financially and emotionally.
I was adopted at the age of four months, my birth parents were both extremely young, and my birth mother was hoping they would get married. Once it became apparent that the birth father was not going to get married, she chose my parents out a registry at Catholic charities. To say that they were thrilled would be an understatement. I was given so many opportunities and so much love due to her sacrifice. And that is what adoption is, a sacrifice on one end and a blessing on the other. Think of all the posts you have seen on this website from women who would give just about anything to have a baby.
No, you can't make your daughter's decision for her, and your biggest responsibility is to stand with her as she goes through this. Just encourage her, love her, and guide her. She is still just a baby, too. I am sorry for your struggles.

Adoption is the best choice. But this is a choice she has to make. You can not force her to give the baby up. No matter how much you want to. You can perhaps force her to go stay at the boys house. Will his parents accept it? I would suggest that you take your daughter and go to his house. as much as you would like this meeting to be on your terms at your house it is one that you might have to give up control of. You are hurt and angry right now. And scared. Scared that she has screwed up her life. Scared you are going to have your life upset by a new baby. However you have to start thinking about this being a problem for her to make the choices for and her to deal with. Give them the chance to make choices based on options provided. adoption, keeping the baby or abortion. Bring his parents into the picture by showing up on their doorstep. not trying to get him to come to yours. Make sure both of them know the costs and work involved with have a baby so young. And not by complaining but by actual hard facts. you have to work, you don't get to go out and play, food costs "x", medical care costs "x", schooling costs "x" how will they get the money to pay for "x" who will babysit while they go to school and work? where will they live etc. I like you think adoption is the best option. However I can tell you that is exactly what I felt when my daughter at 17 came to me and said she was pregnant. The boys family opted to take her in until the baby was born as she felt she was an adult and no longer needed to follow our rules. When the baby was born the boys parents talked her into keeping the baby. She stayed with them for a year. by then she and the boy were more friends than a couple. she gave custody of the baby to the grandparents who had insurance and jobs. She is still the baby's mom. He is 11 now. I love him dearly. But it was hard and still is. She wishes she had given him up to a family not tried to stay in his life. It is hard being the mom but not having the child with her all the time. She is more like a favorite aunt. But the grandparents on the other side wouldn't give him up for anything. About 4 years ago their son died. This little boy is all they have left. Sometimes God has a plan. Give your self some breathing room here and don't make harsh plans or directives you may not be able to live with. I will say some prayers for your family.

Give it some time. Everyone is in shock right now. She is probably terrified, emotional, all kinds of things.
Of course he's full of it. Him now showing up proves it, but then again how old is this guy? Seek support, you guys all need it.

Your daughter needs to hear it from someone else. For some reason, our own children don't hear us very well.

I can tell you I had my daughter at 15 and my parents didn't have a lot of money to raise an extra child. I finished high school and worked at the same time. During my senior year, I asked for a little time off to study for finals and they denied me the time off. I had to quit so I would pass. That meant no money.

I stayed with my parents until I graduated and then moved out...with nothing! I tried to room with a friend and then a cousin and they were both very unreliable. The friend moved out after two weeks and the cousin moved out after two months. I was lucky enough to get an apartment through financial aid. By then I had a job and was able to buy a new car because the car I was driving was unreliable too. It was tough, but we made it.

I can tell you today I am glad I kept my daughter, although social workers did talk to me about the option of adoption. I don't fault you for the option of adoption because it was a huge struggle for me. It took me 12 years to find someone who accepted both of us. He is wonderful to my daughter and loves her as his own. Needless to say, I dated a lot of men that I never introduced her to because they were not going to be part of her life. Today, many of my single friends have to arrange a play date so they can go out on a date themselves. When I raised my daughter, there were no such things as play dates, so that meant at the end of the night, you owed them something.

She should really talk to someone who can counsel her, so she really understands what she is getting into. I am sure right now, she is confused, as well as blowing you off.

Make the decision that is best for you and your family, regardless of anyone else's opinion. Strangers on the internet don't have to live with your situation; YOU do. You know what is best for your circumstances. Since she is a minor, you DO have final say in the matter.

I often think about this happening to my step son who will be sixteen in January. With cellphones and social media it seems like things happen faster. Plus his parents had him at 19. I wont pass judgement on your thoughts because I'm sure your going through so much. It's so difficult. Just try to take deep breaths and know she is scared too. Good luck.

Do what is best for you. People saying it's your grandchild doesn't change the fact you cannot afford the child. If you feel adoption/abortion is in the best interest of your child, then by all means log off mamapedia and sit down and start planning with your daughter and the father if he wants to be involved, otherwise you're going to get frustrated reading judgmental responses instead of doing what's in the best interest of your family. Hopefully your daughter will see the light at the end of the tunnel is not as bright when she has the responsibility of motherhood. It's not easy and yes it's expensive.

LOVE alone does not make for a happy ending!!!!!

She can always move in with him or some other person who would make room for her and the baby so make sure you don't give her an ultimatum, she'll most likely take you up on it. There are also shelters for teen moms and I am sure she can move in one tomorrow if it is that expedient that she makes such a rash decision at this time.

You have 9 months to figure this out!

It is not an emergency and you are over reacting in a big way due to this being so shocking.

Take a breath and relax your shoulders, it will be okay.

I'm imagining how desperate you must feel right now, and my heart hurts for you. Please try to consider what's best for your grandchild when you think of your daughter's and your own needs. Please try to look into the future 5 years and try to imagine how things would be with or without this baby in your lives. Statistics say that if a woman terminates a pregnancy, she is likely to conceive again in the next six months and is fertile in as few as 10 days after termination is completed. Your growing grandbaby currently protected in the womb of your daughter IS NOT the real problem. To abort this baby solves nothing because it is unlikely to change her behavior. Statistically your daughter is likely to conceive again early next year (3-6 months). Early sexual activity outside the protection and provision of marriage is the real concern.
Termination of this pregnancy assumes that you can postpone becoming Grandma till it is convenient and your daughter can become Mom when it's more convenient for her. Unfortunately this is presumption upon tomorrow--something not within our control. Praying that you choose life and then work out the details of parenting this precious little one.

I haven't read your responses yet but I just want to say I'm sorry you're all going through this. give things some time to settle down a little. Everyone is most likely very emotional right now. Don't make any rash decisions. I just want to add that just today I was at a family BBQ and was enjoying talking with a young man who is maybe 21. He was adopted by my husband's cousin as an infant when she and her husband couldn't have children after many years of trying. He is just a joy to talk to. He's smart (as in genius), handsome, interesting & funny. He has been a blessing in our family and I couldn't imagine not knowing him. Please, consider adoption for this baby. I have two friends who are desperate to have a child of their own. The wife runs a successful infant daycare/preschool and I know it breaks her heart every day that she doesn't have a little one of her own. she and her husband can't have children. There are many people who would love to adopt this child. Think about it & good luck.

I did not read all of the previous post, but I beg her to bless another family with the miracle of a baby. My daughter is adopted and we are in the process of adopting another baby. Adoption is such a blessing!!!!!! We would not have been able to be parents if it were not for adoption. God bless her and you as you decide what to do. I will be in prayer for y'all.

She needs to get information on all of her choices. Especially adoption. Nowadays you can do very open adoptions, I've heard of ones where they are comfortable enough to let the birth mom come to birthday parties every year, or at the very least, will send pictures of the baby on a regular basis.

She needs to get a job if she hasn't already. Show her how much a baby costs, diapers, formula, daycare, etc. and let her know that it will be her cost. I'm not sure how old the father is, but you guys need to get together with his parents and let them know what is going on and that if she keeps the baby you expect him to pay child support. Or maybe they will be happy to raise it if she wants to go that route. If you haven't talked to them, you don't know what their situation is, either.

I PM'd you...you know what's best for your family. None of us are in your shoes or can help you make a decision, and we surely should NOT be judging you for your choices. I'd say have her watch some of the teen mom shows, read some articles online about the options, help her choose and be honest with her. Hugs to all of you!

We just adopted our sweet girl about 4 months ago and it will be final in November.

I highly, highly recommend that you contact a local adoption agency. Most of them will give counseling to expectant moms - they will talk about things that need to be considered if she is planning to keep the baby (budgets, schooling, childcare, etc), they will discuss the emotional impact of adoption, keeping the baby and abortion.

Our daughter's birth mom chose us from several couples, helped name her, and has seen her since (we send pictures and emails every month) and will come visit again in November/December. She is an intricate part of our lives and our daughter's.

If you have any questions or your daughter has any questions about adoption, I'd be happy to help answer them.

Hi A.,
I would have to agree with you. I am not against abortion and while my teenager is not yet sexually active, she said this is the option she would choose if she had a failure of birth control before she graduates college. I would fully support her in this choice. Adoption can also be an excellent option if your daughter wanted to go through the entire pregnancy. Baby stay with teen father most of the time? Probably not a great option. Whatever your daughter chooses, I hope that you will support her in any way that you can and I certainly offer no judgement. Good luck to you and your family

Adoption is a very loving choice. I don't know how to convince your daughter of this. Maybe schedule an appointment with an adoption agency so she can be fully educated on different adoption options. Maybe she's scared she'll never see or hear about the baby again, but it doesn't have to be this way. She can be involved in choosing the adoptive parents and have ongoing contact (different levels of involvement possible). Has she ever seen 16 and Pregnant? They have a special adoption episode. Hearing the different experiences of other teens close to her age who have experienced similar circumstances might have more of an impact. It will take her time to sort through all the emotions, so I would encourage her to not make a final decision yet, and to be open to information about all of her options.

Tough position and I probably have no right to even respond as my daughter is only 9 and I didn't have her until I was 30 and never really had any pregnancy scares.

However, I do remember when I was 16 and how I dealt with my parents.

I know you are mad....I am guessing that you are probably a little more sad and scared than mad, I think these would probably be the deeper feelings that were causing the mad.

You need to get over your mad....much easier said than done...however if you are mad you are NOT communicating well and your daughter is NOT going to listen to anything you have to say. If you are mad anything you say will be heard as a personal attack and she will become defensive and shut down any and all of your ideas.

She knows she disappointed you and I am sure she is more than scared she is probably terrified and confused. She needs for you to be SUPPORTIVE and not judgemental. Do not keep reminding her that she knew better...you knew better too when you got pregnant with her at a young age.

That said, provide her access to all of her options...not just the options that appeal to you. Find her a counselor that specializes in unplanned pregnancy, they can talk to her about adoption, abortion and keeping the child. Anything that you say at this point, and until you get over being mad, in her eyes is going to be wrong.

You may be able to find someone (possibly through a counseling service) who has done each of these things and let her talk to them so that she can hear their experience with the option and the pros and cons of that decision.

Honestly I hope that I am never in your shoes and I am so sorry that you are, I can't even imagine how hard this is for your whole family. Just remember this is her baby and ultimately her decision (YOU also need to contact the boys family and talk to them) and you need to show her support and love through whatever decision she makes. You are in a very hard position here because if you continue to hold on to your "mad" you are going to push her away and damage the relationship that you have with her...possibly permanatly.

Good luck and warm thoughts.

This ins't your pregnancy you should know the feelings that come from being pregnant we bond instantly with our unborn.Not sure how old your daughter is but she has made the choice to get pregnant,follow through with this pregnancy & have her baby if you as her mom push abortion or adoption your realtionship with her will fail & cause more grief in the years to come.This is life we are talking about.If your worried about money for baby & just being able to handle it take a step back & realize there are more options for keeping the baby she can apply for state assistance (income guidelines will apply)there is WIC for nutrional support needs,breastfeeding is free milk supplied to baby from mother,child support unsure how this goes with teen pregnancies but I would think the fathers parents would have to pay out something for the child since teen is under age to work or not something to look into,agencies to help with free clothing for baby & supplies.You want her to proceed wtih something that she doesn't want to do & has offered the baby to stay with dad whom the grandparents will also lend a helping hand & your upset with her for wanting to do that but your not upset with yourself for wanting the end the life of your grand baby?
If it were me I wouldn't wait till the father to be to come knocking on my door i'll be knocking on his so fast his head would spin.

I feel for you , what you're going through is without a doubt, I'm sure , one of the hardest things you will go through. I don't have any advise, because I've never been through anything like that. I just wanted to let you know I don't think you / any parent is wrong trying to " push" / guide their child in the direction that is most suitable for your family situation. I would say that most of the time when a teenager has a child, the main care ( financially & emotionally) of that child is taken on by grandparents. So, I think as a grandparent , with the minor still in your care, you have every right to counsel them on all the options. You just have to hope they make the right decision and educate them on the reprocussions of that decision and what your role would be. This is coming from someone who had a teen mom and was basically raised by a grandparent ( more financial ). I know if my grandparent hadn't been involved my life would've been much different but I've always felt bad because i'm sure it was a huge burden on her at the time. Good luck, & I hope all of you can get together and make a decision that fits your families needs.

Does your daughter know anyone who has adopted? If she could see the an adopted child basking in the love adoring parents it might help. I wish she could come visit me and see the gift my family received when a birthmother decided we could provide a better home for a little boy. We feel lucky every day.
as to the no show dad, keep asking him to show up, ask him to go to her Dr apt. put a lot of expectations on him and let her see how he does with this. Meet his parents face to face and tell them you are NOT planning on having this baby live with you. (who knows what the young couple will tell them) If they feel the way you feel, then you have a united front. IF they insist they want the baby to live with, and they are capable of providing for this child then that is something to consider.
I assume you and your daughter have some time to get this figured out. Maybe the inconvenience of pregnancy will help convince her this will be hard. Do not wait on her hand and foot. Tell her to get a job and start saving money for all the expenses that will come when the baby is born.
Maybe she just needs time to process this. Of course if you think abortion is an option for her there is not a lot of time... but that would have to be a decision between you and her NO one else.

Hugs to you, first of all. What a tough situation you are in. I wasn't a teenager when I got pregnant but I was a very irresponsible, immature individual in my early 20s who still lived at home, didn't have a job, and ran wild. I was terrified to tell my mother. I thought for sure she was going to hit the ceiling plus there was no room at our house and no money. Long story short, I had my daughter and grew the hell up and became responsible. We made it work. It's not the same situation as your daughter but I can relate to how she is feeling right now. I'm sure she is aware of the issues you mentioned- no room or money. The decision has to be made for what is best for her- I am all for adoption- heck I was adopted (my bio mom was 16 and totally unequipped for a baby) but it does have to be her decision. You can be there to help her become informed about her choices and be supportive but Christina is wrong. Even though she is a minor you don't have the final say in an adoption. Any agency she works with will ensure that it is HER decision to put the baby up for adoption- no one will work with her if it's not solely her decision or if you are pushing her into it. I'm not trying to convince you to go one way or another I'm just telling you that in order to work with anyone, agency or attorney, they are going to make sure that it is her choice- not anyone else.
I'm sorry you are going through this. But you don't have to make any decisions right this minute. You have time to help her explore her options and decide what is the best course of action. Good luck to you and your family. Hugs.

This is her decision. Please back off. Help her investigate all the options so that she can make an informed decision. Giving her an ultimatum will most likely force her to fight with you to keep the baby. While if she learns more about adoption and feels that she can make that decision she's more apt to choose it.

There are options. Did you know that there are open adoptions in which the birth family is able to see the baby and child as he grows. A friends niece chose this option and it's working very well. The baby is now in school. The birth grandparents have babysat the baby and the birth mother saw the baby regularly until she moved out of state.

There are degrees of open adoption. Some just plan for pictures along with written updates to be sent at specific times

You need to find it within yourself to show your daughter love and acceptance. This cannot be undone. She needs your support now. She is more likely to make a good decision if both of you research the options. The Crisis Pregnancy Center is a great place to start. Also google adoptions on the Internet. Please work at keeping an open mind.

As one mother here said she kept her baby and made it work. Explore how that could happen. She can't stay at home. Could she live with someone else? Would she be able to take care of a baby, go to school and work? She could postpone school and get state aid and live on her own. I'm not saying she should keep the baby. I'm saying that in order to make an informed decision it will work best if you help her explore all the options.

When my daughter was pregnant she didn't actually make up her mind until she was past 6 months. There is no hurry! Let it unfold as it will.

I know things can be tough but i dont believe that an abprtion is an option ever and as for adoption eh... I have family going through something similiar accept the father is not a dead beat. My sister took them in and is helping them bc the mother of the girl and the mother of the boy are acting like you. I hope that your daughter can find someone she can rely on and help her through this tough time that doesnt force her to do such things as you are trying. You could make it work if you really wanted to. My sister didnt have the room or the money to help the kids out she id but the kids are getting part time jobs, finishing school and she is helping them buy things for the baby. My sister is 45 and hasnt had children in her care in along time BUT she is doing it. SO i hope your daughter finds someone to love her and her decisions and not force an issue upon her to make THEIR lives eisier. YOU really should be ashamed of yourself!!! your acting like a child your self (in my opinion) hate my response idc its an honest response!!

I am sending thoughts your way. I am very pro-choice but be sure your daughter is ready to deal with any feelings she might have if she does decide on abortion. I had a very close friend in college that had an abortion and she suffered from severe depression because she had remorse afterwards. It really impacted her for a long time. Help her get as informed as possible about all her options. Ultimately, this is a family decision that only your family can make.
So sorry you are dealing with this.

Let me just say, I understand how you feel; however, please don't force her into either of those choices. She would NEVER forgive you.

Help get her all the information on every option (including her keeping the child) and what each would entail. Help her make her decision but it is her decision even though she is just 16.

She needs to include the father too. If she does choose one of your options, please get her counseling...she will need it.

I think what YOU think as a mother is the best option for your daughter and what your daughter thinks is the best option for the baby. Let people criticize and say what they want to , it is you and her that have to take responsbility for a baby. You know your child better than any of us.

Good luck

i think abortion for a 16 yr old would be sooooo tramatic. But i dont know her. I guess some people can do that, but i couldn't. I think adoption is a great option for the baby. Start seeing a councelor so that she can discuss her options early on in the pregnancy.
How old is the father? If he's over 18 i'd be pressing charges so that dumbass learned his lesson.
You could have her watch Teen Mom so she can see the impact having a child has on your life.
There is an awesome couple on there who gave up their baby for adoption and while it was hard they are smart enough to realize it was the best choice for the baby.

I didn't get a chance to read all of the comments... so not sure if this was mentioned, but maybe you guys could look into an open adoption, so she could still maintain a relationship with the child.
This is such a tough situation to be in. Just try to be calm and understanding and hear her out. Then provide her with some information that she can read through. Good luck with everything.

I just got on and didn't read any responses to your first question.

I'm guessing this is very new news and she's very early in her pregnancy. Right now, emotions are very raw. Keep in mind that there is plenty of time. Decisions do not need to be made immediately. I would contact an adoption agency and ask to speak to one of the counselors. Talk to him/her about your situation and ask for their guidance/help. They will more than likely talk to you about ways that you can talk to your daughter.

Of course you're mad (I would be too). But right now, you both need some time to digest the news. She needs you. She needs to know that you are there for her. Give it some time. Talk to her about it once things have calmed down. I'm sure there will come a time when she will be more receptive to what you have to say.

Sorry if this is a bit of a rant, but maybe you want all of my 2 cents...
Have you ever watched the show 16 & Pregnant on MTV? I do and it always baffles me how these girls assume the dad will suddenly love them/support them once the baby is born and they'll have no trouble completing school, etc. Maybe it's even helpful to watch it with your daughter (it's like a documentary and they don't glamorize teen pregnancy.) They also have a flollowup series, Teen Mom with a couple who their child up for adoption and they are doing really well now.
I agree with some that yes this could be a blessing. If you do raise the kid then yes of course you'll love the baby and be glad you did, BUT
I totally agree with you. Hormones have made her crazy. We all understand, we're moms so we know what that instant bond is like.
It's so tough and I don't know; I've been wondering this myself- if she's a minor youhave to care for her, but if she has her own children...?
If it were me I might do a couple things (and can you make them conditions of living with you? I'd imagine so). SUch as:
1. Create a budget. How much will this cost, what will each of you be able to pay for, and how will she get the $? Based on this require her to get a job. I would make a deadline. like, "You won't be able to work for awhile once the baby's born, so you'll need to save x but such date." If it doesn't happen then y (move out, realize this is unrealistic, I don't know). Let her see there's no more time for friends, she's a grown up starting now. Maybe require her to go to classes- like lamaze, CPR, whatever.
2. I don't know if you can kick her out, but it is your responsibility to make her go to school. So see if she can make a resonable plan for graduating, including time off for delivery, child care and job, etc (point out between school and job she won't even see the baby!) But maybe she can- I know some schools have daycare, or maybe the BF's parents will watch the baby. Maybe she's going to get her GED.
3. Go talk to an adoption agency. They can't force it on her legally, so it'll just be informative. Seeing the kinds of wonderful families who would love and care for her baby, and perhaps even hearing from other kids in her shoes, could help her let go of this dream to parent now. Let her know you'll be fully supportive of her if she decides to have a baby later in life.
Or/and get her to a clinic to discuss what an abortion entails. You can't force either option on her, both legally and because it could destroy your relationship forever. But it might help her to hear from a doctor.
4. Discuss all this with the boyfriend. I mean really, what are there plans? Is he going to marry her? Are they going to go to court for custody? He'll need to pay child support for the next 18 years! Tell her if he can't show up to this meeting with you then she can't count on him to parent and be responsible, so she can't factor him in for babysitting or money in your calculations. Can you talk to his parents?
You still have 9 months, so I'd start by getting her on a roadmap. Ultimately it's her choice but you need to make clear what you'll be willing to do and not with either option, so hopefully that anger, etc. will end before baby arrives.
Best of luck.

Seriously ladies? Pushing your own agendas on this woman? I can't believe it. I am so utterly disgusted by and of some of you!

A. H. there are some of us here who will not judge you or push or agendas onto you. If you need someone please PM me...I don't know what this feels like, but I can sure listen (read).

I wish adoption was seen as a REAL "choice" in this country. If you think that may be an option, contact a local adoption agency and ask for counseling/advice. We adopted our biological niece after 6 years of her biological mom thinking the biological dad would suddenly "fall in love" with them. Did not happen, and probably never happens. Best of luck/God bless to you all.

I have been thinking about your family and wishing you the best. I'd like to commend you, though, on your strength. I'm still a mom to very little kids and, of course, a situation like this is one I'm hoping to avoid, so yeah, I've spent some time thinking about it and how I can help my kids stay out of trouble.

I am so impressed with your strength to stand up and say "this is OUR family" and have a conversation about what is best for ALL the people involved. Your handling of this situation (as presented here on mamapedia) reassures me that knowing what is right for my family is enough to stand on. I hope your daughter is ready to have a serious discussion about the baby very soon so you and yours can figure out the new reality. I wish you all the best of luck.

You really have to remember that is YOUR grandbaby.... Will you be ok knowing that you talked your daughter into killing (yes that IS what abortion is) her baby, and your grandbaby?? Your relationship with your daughter will never be the same. Sure you say she doesn't like kids or want kids, but having kids totally changes people! Your family will not be the first that has had to add another family member when they were not ready...IT works out! How nice that at least her father is supporting her and offering some help! I'm so sad that you are trying to make your daughter do this! Did you ever talk to her about birth control, and the fact that she needed to be on it and use protection, etc!... If not you have to consider that you are partly at fault here. Don't ask her to do these unthinkable things! You have to remember that there is a good chance that the father of the baby's family would help as well.. I pray to god that you stand by her and let her have this baby that you will all love so much.

Unfortuntaley, if you force your daughter into one of the two choices, she may hate you for the rest of your life. You are in a very tough situation.

A friend of mine was in a very similar situation, but it was her son who told her he got his girlfriend pregnant. My friend vowed not to allow his girlfriend or baby to move in with her, like you, she said they didn't have enough room nor did they have enough money to raise a baby let alone feed mother and child. She knew her son and his girlfriend were way to young (neither had a full time job at that time). Fast forward a year later, his girlfriend and baby are now living in my friends house.

It is tough, but she said she's in love with her grandson and it was easier prior to his birth to say she wouldn't welcome them in her house. Once she saw the baby, she didn't have the heart to turn them away. If she did, they wouldn't have had anywhere to turn. She has kept her promise to not become the baby's care-taker.

Another friend of mine said his 15 year old daughter announced she was pregnant and wanted to keep the baby. He tried convincing her to give it up for adoption, but she refused. When the baby was born, him and his wife agreed to watch the baby but only if their daughter agreed to finish school (which she is still doing). He said it's also tough, but it's extremely hard to turn your head away once the baby is born.

Your daughter may be able to apply for welfare to help cover the cost. She can also apply for a medical card until the baby is so old.

Good luck!