Need Help with Daughter Being Picked on and Beat up by a Boy at School

Updated on June 18, 2008
A.R. asks from San Jose, CA
94 answers

My daughter is in the second grade and through out the year she has been picked on by a boy in her class. We had three times earlier in the year where she had come home with bruises and other injuries due to him hitting or kicking her. I had called the principal, and the superintendent and thought that we had the situation resolved. On monday she came home with a huge bruise and skin missing on her shin where he had kicked her. He told her to go ahead a tell because he wasn't going to get into trouble, then today when she didn't want to let him cut in the lunch line he threated to hit her. I am at the end of my rope and don't know what to do next. I called the principal who was told about today's incident but doesn't seem to know what to do about it, aside from let me take time off of work and be there during lunch to make sure nothing happens (i did that back when it was bad a couple of months ago). I have called the superinendents office, I had to leave a message. Though from what I was told by his assistant we are suppose to talk with the principal to prepare a plan of action. (hasn't worked before) I am kind of at the point where I feel like I have to either take her out of school or quit my job to be there all day at school to make sure he leaves her alone. (my daughter isn't the only child he picks on, most are girls but I do know of one boy he has done this to as well). Any advice on what I can do aside from taking her out of school or being there all day?
Amanda

Update: based on the reply's I wanted to add some info. I have spoken with both of his parents. His dad is pretty scary no wonder the kids a bully.I did tell them after the last incident that if he touched her again I would take them to court. There responce was go ahead. Neither of them have jobs, they don't own anything so I guess the figure nothing would happen. It isn't happening in the class (the teacher is aware of what he does and watches him like a hawk) it is happening during lunch and recess.
I also talked with my daughter last night and told her that if he touched her again that regardless of the school rules to punch him back. She just doesn't want to get in trouble

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So What Happened?

Thanks for all the input. I am agianst speaking with the parents,(did that at the begining of school, they are very much aware of what is happening at the school as they have to pick him up from the class and the teacher tells them everything that happened that day). Also I think they just don't care. I am opposed to moving her to another class or having her stay in during recess and lunch because that just punishes her. I did speak with the Super at the district, the boy has been suspended. Supposidly they have worked out a plan of action, though they can't keep him in at every recess and lunch. I then spoke with an attorney who specailizes in this area. She has also advised me to tell my daughter not to hit or punch him back as this can cause major problems for her, as well as make it possible that the situation be "spun" so that it looks mutually combative. She said that they can't keep him in all the time because he has the right to recreation, but that the school can and should hire someone to shadow him during recess and lunch. I have also decided to go alone with the rest of her advice, she is going to write a letter to the principal, the district and the school board, that puts them on notice that we know our rights, and that they are responsible for protecting her during school hours and that if another incident occurs they can and will be held liable. I am hopefull that this will work. Thanks agian for all the advice.
Amanda

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L.J.

answers from San Francisco on

My husband is on the School Board here, and he suggests that the next step would be to file a "Grievance Report" with the school site or District Office. This will be a formal complaint against the bullying, and will force the schools to take some action. You might request that the bullying child spend "lunch club" with the principal, so he is not free to bully others.

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J.G.

answers from Redding on

All the other advise if very smart, the documenting etc. I just wanted to say I think you should contact a lawyer, the school should be doing more.
Good Luck....ah the trials and tribulations of parenthood!~

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J.W.

answers from San Francisco on

If it is a public school, perhaps you can go directly to the Schools District office and file a complaint?

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K.B.

answers from Sacramento on

As a teacher I feel it is our (teacher, principal, school, aide, etc) responsibility to keep the kids safe NO MATTER WHERE THEY ARE on the school property. That principal needs to do his job. He can get out there and sit with her at lunch. He should be doing everything to keep her safe. I would keep on the matter- and as everyone has said document EVERYTHING. Any contact with kids, family, school, etc you keep record of it and then take that to the super in person. This is ridiculous. There is just no reason that this should not be handled at school. If it were being done right then you would not need to take any legal action. One thing I do reccomend is that you talk to other parents. You can make quite a stir if other people know what you have experienced and what you have done to stop the problem. Schools fear angry parents. Good luck with this. I am very sorry you have to go through it.

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A.C.

answers from Sacramento on

Hi Amanda, I had the same problem with one of my girls i went to the school and sat in the office till the principal came out i then told him i was calling the police from his phone and that I wanted this taken care of either by him or the police, believe me he found out I was not kidding i did call the police and they sent a very nice person who told the principal this had to stop or there could be charges filed this rattled him a bit and the next person to come in was the superintendant of schools It was resolved right there. Just stand your ground you child has a right of protection and one of the things they tell you when you children go to school is "from the time they enter the school they are responsible for their safty and well being" I hope this helps i have 6 kids all grown now but I do know a little about the system. Good luck A. C

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P.R.

answers from San Francisco on

I have to respond because this is so outrageous. I think we're way too litigious a society but in this case, I would start threatening to sue the school AND his parents. Take pictures of her bruises etc. That would be the more above board approach. What I'd also likely do, to be honest, is to get your older daughters to intervene. They must be bigger than him (and there are 2 of them) so a threat from them may carry some weight. Not good of course to teach your daughters to threaten violence but if this child's parents are so irresponsible to not put a stop to his behaviour, let them and the boy see what it's like to be on the other side of fear. Siblings have to protect each other and years ago, that's how it would have been taken care of. Good luck.

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S.L.

answers from San Francisco on

I believe there is power in numbers and if you can get the parents of the other children he abuses together and I would go straight to the school board and make a complaint in person if possible and in writing. I would also do the same with the principal. I have had a similar experience where our principal ignores things because she doesn't want to deal with it. Then I would see if you can get a letter to the parents of the child. It is ridiculous that you should have to be at the school to prevent this from happening.

Even at my kids school where they focus on getting rid of bullies bullying still happens. Sometimes I think it is worse because they focus on it so much. My child has not been hit but verbally abused and had part of his lunch taken away.

I hope it works out for you. I have a nearly 11 year old and a 7 1/2 year old 2nd grader and I truly feel for what you are going through. School should not have to be a place you are afraid of.

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M.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi Amanda,

I am so sorry that your daughter is being abused by this boy!!! I suggest that you meet with the principal and school board if it comes to it- and demand that this boy is suspended and taken out of this school. It seems like you have done all the right things and they haven't taken it seriously. No one should be threatened or told they will get hit or kicked. Also, I don't know if you know the other child's parents or not, but you could insist that the principal meets with you and the other parents. Don't leave the office without getting an answer!! Even if it means that you wait in the principals office for them to help you. Your daughter is being hurt and this other child needs to be disciplined! Good luck and I hope that this helps.

M.

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J.F.

answers from Fresno on

At this point you need to contact your local police department to see if they can help. Your child is being assalted at school and the school system has failed to protect her. Good Luck, J.

P.S. You may be able to find an agency that will teach her self defence movements she can use against him. If she could trip him and put him in the dirt the next time he tries to kick her he may leave her alone.

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C.B.

answers from San Francisco on

have you tried asking for a meeting with the other child's parents? Maybe they don't know what's going on. If they don't, they need to be advised so they can take corrective action. If they do and are not addressing the situation, maybe you can apply for a restraining order to keep the child away from your child and also let the school know that it is their legal obligation to protect your child while she is in school and if they fail in that obligation, you will contact an attorney and perhaps seek legal redress. There is no faster way to get someone's attention than threatening their pocketbook! You should remind the school staff that being picked on at school is what has prompted alot of the mass shootings on campuses across this nation so they need to take this VERY SERIOUSLY.

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J.S.

answers from San Francisco on

I know you have tons of responses for this already, but from scanning them I didn't see anything mentioned about the discipline policy of the school or the district. Our school and district both have a written policy that outlines the steps taken in these situations.
First offense - kids meet with Principal and make a Peace Contract stating what they will both do to get along.
Second - Child gets an after school detention (even if they are a bus rider) and parents must pick up child after detention and meet with the Principal.
Third - Child is suspended from school imediately for the rest of that day and the next. Again the parents are called to pick the child up.
Fourth - Expulsion proceedures are begun at the district level.
This little boy needs to learn that he can't bully his say through life and that his school and district will give him only so many chances to improve his behaviour or he will have to find another place to attend school.
Have you asked to see the school or district discipline policy? I believe they are required to have one. Once you have a copy, you can hold them to it. Since they've already documented bullying earlier in the year, you should insist that they begin from that point, not treat these new instances as a 'first offense'.
Your daughter should not have to leave the school, the bully should. Fight for it!

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M.N.

answers from San Francisco on

The only thing I think you can do is to get an attorney. Parents are responsible for their children until they are adults or emancipated. With all the law suits for every rediculous thing, Principals, teachers and others associated with discipline in schools probably feel that they will be sued if they take a stand. It's time the law was involved in something that actually makes sense. This kind of behavior in a 7 year old needs to be dealt with, and I would think it started at home. I hope this is resolved. My heart breaks for your daughter and the others that have suffered the degradation this child has caused.

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D.K.

answers from Sacramento on

You march yourself into that principal's office and tell him to make it stop! And do NOT leave until he comes up with a plan you are comfortable with. My daughter has been bullied by girls in her class since 3rd grade (she's in 5th now). Our previous principal did nothing. We have a new principal this year, who didn't want to do anything, either. But I insisted. He finally called them all in and had a talk with them. I, too, talked to the parents. It did no good. We are taking her out of that class next year. It will not stop. You could try talking to the parents of the other kids who are bullied. Maybe you can all go to the principal together - show of force - and demand action. Who's watching the kids at lunch and at recess? Tell your daughter to play near adults. And don't be afraid to TELL them what's going on. Even if she's branded a tattle tale - that's just the bully's way of putting it back on her. It's not her, it's him and that school is responsible for what happens at it. File a law suit!!

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C.R.

answers from San Francisco on

I would call the police, he is assaulting your daughter and that is against the law and should not be tolerated. If she cannot be safe as school then there is a big problem. The principal should have called a meeting with the boy and his parents and possibly you and your daughter when you first complained. It is the school's responsibility to make sure she is not injured, threatened or hurt during the time she is in their care. You cannot change your life to accomodate the lack of caring at the school. The boy and his parents should have to make the changes to work with his obvious behavior issues.
My husband and I had similar problems with a son when he was in high school and finally ended up moving him to a new school because the person that was always threatening him and finally hurting him was going to the school through some kind of program to help juvenile students to be able to continue their education in a "normal" environment. Nevermind what he did to the rest of the school with his behavior.
Be your childs advocate and don't stop bugging the principal and administration until they fix the problem. TIme to start documenting the problem and sending letters. I hate to say the A word here, but maybe an attorney is in order.
I know this sounds really harsh, but I had a son on the same end, and whether they are in 1st grade or 11th grade, it is all very traumatizing to a child to go through and bullies should not be allowed to continue their terror in what should be a safe learning environment.

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L.S.

answers from Yuba City on

Hello Amanda,

You have been very patient so far. But
you don't have to put up with that kind of behavior. School is a place where children should feel safe. At this point I would contact the sheriff or police department. Bullying is nothing to scoff at, and if you are getting no response from the school, you have no choice but to move to the next level to protect your child (and others). You may even consider talking to an attorney about suing the school, that may be the only way to get their attention.

L. S.

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S.L.

answers from San Francisco on

Document, document, document and then call the police. You are on the right track by bringing in a lawyer. I hope that if this continues, you and your lawyer bring involve the police. My dad was a teacher for 40 years, in an area rife with gang violence. Even though he taught jr. high, the recruting starts even that young, and some of the boys--and girls--were pressured every to join. And the pressure was often violent. Bring in the cops as soon as possible.

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S.T.

answers from Sacramento on

Hello Amanda,
I had this same problem with my with my daughter when she was in the 2nd grade. I see that you have followed every step to try to resolve this matter in an adult manner. I even talked to the boys mother and she was in complete denial, "Not my kid!" I know this sounds harsh but this is what I had to do. If the authorities at the school are not taking notice or doing anything about the little boy bullying your child then you have to take matters into your own hands. Talk with your spouse first. Tell your daughter to kick him back and then go tell. My daughter didn't want to hit back either but I role played with her and told her if the authorities question her - and they will, she should tell them that her mother instructed her to protect herself and then tell. I guarantee you will get a phone call from the principal and the teacher and the parents. If you don't teach her to protect herself she is going to come home with more than a bruised shin. Usually bullies bully as long as they are allowed to. Meaning, if your daughter stood up for herself, I'm sure he would back off. What does your husband say???

Hope this is helpful, best of luck.

S. and Family

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C.D.

answers from Sacramento on

Amanda this should stop NOW! You need to go to the school demand to speak to the principal tell him the boy is to be suspended for fighting (as is the law in Sac and Elk Grove)
It is the schools responsibility to keep our kids safe (even from each other)
The parents sound like the wonderful role-models from hell! I am so tired of these kinds of parents!!!!
You did right (as bad as it sounds) in telling your daughter to hit him back its time to stop this before he really hurts her!

good luck and god bless and,
to your lil girl...
*knock the snot outta that boy sweety!!!

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S.C.

answers from San Francisco on

This may seem extreme, but I may threaten the Principal with legal action. I would tell him/her that if I had to contact an attorney or file a battery report with the police department I would. Although I would feel bad for the boy-it is the school and his parents fault that he isn't behaving well. But it is his/her duty to keep my child safe from physical violence and mental cruelty. I am an attorney, but not practicing now so I'm not offering legal advice, but this would make me mad beyond belief! Stay on top of the Principal-call every day. This is bad advice, but I might put her in a kidpower or self defense class or just practice at home and tell her to fight back and defend herself. Role play and practice yelling with her maybe. Practice with her-tell her to scream for a yard duty or teacher. To me, I would want to be the squeaky wheel that makes so much noise they have to listen. But I do tend to be an over dramatic person. But I just feel bad for you and her-isn't it amazing that we can't send our kids to school and feel like they are safe! Have you tried contacting the boys parents? Let them know that you are tired of him battering your child.

Good luck, keep us all posted, I'll be thinking of you!

S.

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M.B.

answers from San Francisco on

Amanda, I'm so sorry that your daughter has to deal with this. I'm sure as a parent it must be so hard for you to see your daughter suffering and feel like there's little you can do. I'm curious to know what the boy's parents' reaction to all of this has been? Have you spoken with them? Maybe the boy is being abused at home? Or bullied by an older sibling?

Perhaps when you next meet with the principle, you could insist that the boy be either expelled or required to see a counselor to deal with his aggressive behavior. It's not your responsibility to quit your job to keep your child safe, it's the school's job to provide a safe environment for her to learn in.

Maybe threatening to take them to court will work? I know I hate to be so punitive, but they are NOT taking care of your daughter.

Best of luck to you!

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H.T.

answers from Fresno on

Hi if the prinicipal and the superitendent are not doing anything about it, I call the police to the school, and have them deal with that kid. He needs some fear put in him, because it can cause some more serious bullying when he gets older. The prinicpal isn't scary enough to him, so he needs bigger and more authoritive figure. Don't take your child out because then he get the satification. Especially if he's doing it to other kids, ya call the police and be there when they are there. Thats what I do. Hope this helps.
H.

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S.D.

answers from San Francisco on

My suggestion is to call the Boy's Parents directly and let them know what is happening, how you feel and yor daughter feels, and ask them if there is some way that you can help. If it continues after you go directly to the parent let them know that you feel that there is no other alternative than to get the police involved. It may sound harsh but so is what is happening to your daughter both physically and emotionally. There maybe issues going on at the boys home and the parents are also at their ropes end and do not know what to do or how to help him. I would let the authorities at the school know that this is extremly important issue and they need to do everything in their power to help resolve it because you are at the point where you will bring the police in, you have done everything that they have asked you to do to try and resolve it and you are getting nothing. Try reaching out to the other parent and partnering with them to try and resolve the situation and if that does not work you really have no other choice than to take the next drastic step, but drastic behavior calls for drastic reactions. Everytime something happens you need to call the principal until you talk to him or her, no messages bug the daylights out of them. Remember no matter what your daughter is going to build some type of charecter out of this and before you tell her how to handle it think about how you want your child to learn about how she is going to resolve issues that come up in her life and try asking her how she would handle it and why or how she would not handle it and why, you do not want this bully to change your daughter's spirit. Talk to her about her feelings and what is going on. I really feel that it is time to get the police involved no matter how yucky that may sound.

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J.S.

answers from Stockton on

My son was bullied as well..my older son when he was younger. I also went to the princpal and nothing was done. I wrote a letter to all the school board members and CC a copy to the principal and the superintendent. Needless to say I was called immediately and the situation was dealth with right then. They can't put you off when their bosses are on them. ANd if it's in writing they have no choice but to address it, of course document everything you do, pictures, etc, and keep a copy of your letter in a file. If this doesn't work, seek an attorney.

If there is nothing wrong with the kid...he's not special need or some other issue that may be causing his behavior, which I assume he isn't ...there is no excuse. I would also contact his parents. As a parent I would want to know if my son was doing this...his bottom would be sore that's for sure.

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S.B.

answers from San Francisco on

I would talk to the principal again. Let he/she know that if he does not put something in place for this "bullying" situation (like a behavior plan), then you will be filing charges with the police the next time this child touches your daughter. If it happens again, I would definitely go to the police! One child should not negatively affect your family's life. Good luck!

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D.S.

answers from Stockton on

Find out who the boy parents are and talk to them with both kids there and if that doesn't work press charges since the pricpical doesn't want to do any thing about it and your a mom you can find out who he belong to Good luck

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M.G.

answers from Modesto on

What I think should be done is have a conference with the principle and the teacher and discuss a plan of action. If this boy is acting out this way, there should be a form of punishment such as detention during recess so he does not have the chance to pick on anyone, and even detention after school so that he understands that he is in trouble. The principle and the teacher should also arrange a meeting with the boys parents to try and resolve the problem. Maybe there is something going on within this boys family life, and he does not know what to do, so he is taking it out on others(?). If this has been continuous throughout the year, something should be done, and maybe this boy needs to talk to a consoler or something.
I also agree with those who are suggesting that you document everything, and take pictures of her injuries. And if this continues, and nothing is done to resolve the problem, bring all of this information to the superintendent of the school district.
Also, you have every right to tell your daughter to defend herself, my son and his friends used to get picked on by a bully when he was in kindergarten, and finally my son punched the bully in the face. My son ended up coming home with a citation, but the bully never picked on anyone ever again. My son was upset about getting into trouble, but he was proud of himself for "teaching the bully a lesson". But if your daughter is still hesitant about it, tell her it is ok to tell an adult right away, or even when he does hit her, have her yell out, "Leave me alone, stop hitting me!!" and that will attract an audience, including adults.
Another thing that has worked for my son was he got a bunch of his friends who would act as "protectors" to other students that were being bullied by the same boy. What they would do is stand between the bully and the child that was being picked on. They would not say anything, but just look at him. It seemed to work because that kid stopped picking on them. This happened this year, and he is also in second grade.
If you do have the time though, try and be there for your daughter, and if you have any family or close friends in town, see if it is ok if they can be there for her when you can't.

Good Luck!

M. *~

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N.M.

answers from San Francisco on

Amanda, you didn't mention if it's a public or private school so I'm going to assume it's a public school. Nor do you mention if you're a single mom? Whether single or not, this is definitely a task both you and her father need to address together! I cannot believe the boy's parents could care less about their kid's unacceptable behavior and do nothing!! However, I'm really curious to know what solutions the Principal has suggested, because if nothing has changed, it seems like he or she is doing nothing as well(!) You can go ahead and take them to court to suggest, or rather demand, that their boy gets psychological counseling, as well as for the parents to go to parenting classes and/or anger management classes - for society's sake! (Not necessarily to get some monetary reward out of it.) Whether a public or private school, your daughter has a legal right to attend school and not be harrassed or abused by anyone. Perhaps you can encourage your daughter and the other little girls to get together and stick together to defend themselves against this troubled little boy. I pray your daughter stays safe. Good luck!

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D.B.

answers from Sacramento on

As a mother of 2 (ages 26 and 19)...I would focus on the school, insisting that they deal with this boy, the issue at hand is not what you should be doing with your daughter. If the school (whether the principal or superintendent) will not seek an solution, I would go to the media...
Good luck to you and your daughter!!

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J.M.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi Amanda,

Unfortunately, many parents, administrators, etc. think bullying is part of growing up. If you focus on the physical violence - even though this is only one kind of bullying - it might be taken more seriously.

1. Document everything. In fact, today (if you already haven't) think back and list every incident, who you spoke to and the result.

2. The next time your daughter comes home with bruises, call the police. I'm not sure how much they can/want to be involved with bullying. At least this way there is a public record of your daughter's injuries. I wonder if CPS could help you? If you were leaving bruises on your daughter they would...

3. Alert the media. Most newspapers have someone assigned to the "school beat."

4. Go to the school board meetings. There is a time called "Public Comment" where any member of the public can speak usually for two minutes. It's okay to write your comments in advance and read them. Be calm, rational and state the facts. While the school board can't take action on your claims, every parent, teacher, administrator and the media in attendance will hear you.

5. Meet with the principal and the teacher (one more time). Let them know - the physical violence stops TODAY. I probably wouldn't "threaten" the administration. I'd leave them guessing.

6. Find out who else this boy picks on. Rally the parents of the other children.

Good luck.

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V.R.

answers from Redding on

Can you have a meeting with the principal and the boy's parents?

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C.H.

answers from Sacramento on

My daughter had a situation with a 1st grader when in k-garden and I did the same thing. I went to the sch @ recess and watched. Finally I saw the little girls Step mom picking her up from sch and it was someone who use to bring her daughter to our home daycare when she was little. So I tracked down her # and asked for her help. We then meet at the sch and introduced the girls and let the older one know that this was not ok and that everyone knew everyone else it stopped. They were friends even after that. Have you tryed to appro the parents? I don't know if this will help. I was lucky. This year we are homeschooling for other reasons.

C. [email protected]____.com to 2 1 boy 3/14 and 1 girl 6 1/2

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A.B.

answers from Sacramento on

Your child needs to be taught at home. That is the best way to prevent this situation and a myriad of others as time goes on. There are lots of home school support groups that help a lot.

Rick Bofinger

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S.K.

answers from San Francisco on

First talk to her teacher and ask what is being done. Tell the teacher what the boy said. Take photos of all the injuries. Make an appt with the principal and present them with the evidence. This boy needs to be stopped. You really need to document each incident so you have proof.

R.R.

answers from San Francisco on

I am sorry to hear your daughter is getting picked on at school and now has injuries from it. I've worked in the schools for the last 10 years and unfortunately, bullying is horribly common in schools. Here are just some ideas that could help just based on some of my previous experience.

Definitely make sure to document every incident and have the school document an injury report if and when this should happen again. Most schools do this anyway if a child gets hurt. The more documentation you have, including a phone log of conversations regarding this issue and what happened as a result is good to keep. Having a paper trail always helps and empowers you with detailed data. Get it in writing. Write a letter to the principal and to the Superintendent regarding your concern. You can send it registered mail if you want to ensure the delivery. Establish the paper trail.

Without fully knowing the situation, of course, I can only think of some ideas that might help. Ask the principal about whether there is a school-wide or district wide bullying intervention program. Ask what the consequences are to the student who is doing the bullying. Ask the teacher if she teaches any sort of conflict resolution with the kids. Is there a school counselor on site who your daughter can go to? Or perhaps a point person she can go to about this? You can even ask who the school psychologist is assigned to your school and get his/her input onto the situation. Most school psychologists have an array of intervention ideas to consult with, for parents and teachers. The more eyes you have looking out for your child...that might be helpful as well. Or lastly, is there a way your child can transfer to another class or will that help at all?

But there also needs to be a consequence for a child's behavior who is causing injury to another. Ask the principal how he/she goes about doing this. Another way to get more involved is to also direct your concerns to the PTA and perhaps with more parents aware of the issue, you can get more ideas on how to address this problem. I wish you luck in this endeavor and hope this helps.

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I.A.

answers from Sacramento on

We had the same problem with our daughter and a boy--once he even tried to staple a piece of paper to her hand! However, we spoke directly to the teacher and asked her to speak with his parents. Going through administration (principal, superintendents) adds nothing but red tape; they are not in touch with your students. Our teacher spoke with his parents, who then of course spoke to their son. When they were unable to get him to stop, we ALL then met together: the teacher, the boy, his parents, our daughter, and us. The "picking on" ended-- As we suspected (the mom and I talked), each of the girls he seemed to bully was a girl he actually "liked"-- I would suggest talking to his teacher and his parents. Good luck!

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C.S.

answers from San Francisco on

I was wondering if it is possible to contact the boy parents? Do you know them?

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J.B.

answers from Sacramento on

You have done everything that I would recommend doing. The next step is to bring in the authorities. Your daughter is being attacked and charges should be filed. The school, district, and parents have been notified and the problem is continuing. The next step is to call the police. Good luck and I am sorry that you are having to deal with this!

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L.R.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi Amanda:

I can't believe this kind of behavior is being tolerated at her school. My heart goes out to you and your daughter. I have a 13 year old and a 5 year who starts school this Fall. I would be beside myself if anything happened to them. Not sure what other moms had to say, but here's what I would do...

Maintain/document each time you attempt contact the principal and superintendent. It sounds like they feel this is not a priority on their list which is a major mistake on their end. Try to meet with the parents of the boy. Hopefully, if they are educated, respectful, and mindful as you are, they will not see this as a time to pick on their son, rather a plea for their help to speak with him and rectify the situation immediately. I would also talk to other parents at the school. If you can gather a group of parents together, your case will only be stronger and have a better chance of being heard. Present it to the principal. If this doesn't work, I would go to the superintendent and above, until bullies such as this boy and his parents take responsibilty for their actions/behavior.

I will keep you both in my prayers.

-L. R.

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P.W.

answers from San Francisco on

I would do everything Molly said. I don't know if the school would like it but I know if it were my kid I would go to the school at lunch and tell that kid he'd better never lay and hand on my daughter again, in an extremely firm tone. If his parents don't stop him from being a bully I wouldn't be hesitant to do it myself.

p.s. Tell your daughter good for her for not letting him cut in line!

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A.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi Amanda -

Yikes! What school is this? It seems in some schools if you look crossways the wrong way, the child can be suspended. This seems an extreme on the other end.

My first reaction is that this little boy bully probably lives in an abusive situation himself, and probably needs counseling. If he is abusive to other children on a regular basis, what is he doing still in school?????

I would go to the police and see what they can do - you have documented injuries and calls to the principal and superintendent - the next step I would take is to threaten the school with litigation - not the boy's parents - the school needs to provide a safe environment - if that means they suspend the boy to an independent study sort of thing, then that's what they need to do.

And maybe this is old fashioned of me, but if all the kids that are being picked on by this bully stayed together and stood up to him together, the likelihood of any one person getting hurt is a lot less.

Sometimes there are no options left but to defend yourself - from people that have so little self respect that they have no values or positive contributions and are angry at everyone else who does.

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J.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi Amanda,
I know how hard this is for you. This is your baby, and your are trying to protect her.
It really sounds like your are doing the right things. Have you considered talking to the
local police. They may have a few ideas for you I know it may sounds harsh, but if this child (and his parents) continue with this behavior, who knows what he might do next.
I have a friend that works at the school district in my area. I will ask her and see if she has any suggestions for you.
I hope everything works out for you
J.

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G.S.

answers from Sacramento on

Hi Amanda,
I can't even imagine how hard this is for you. I have a 1yr old and even thinking about this happening to her gets me upset. I work for a school district and I am appalled by your principals actions. He/she is not doing what they are payed to do, that is providing an environment where children can learn. You have done everything and then some to resolve this, I think its time for action now! I agree with a lot of the moms about documenting but I also think you need to go to the principal and tell them you are going to file charges against this student if it happens again. Oviously, his parents don't care so maybe they will when they have to appear in front of a judge and explain their child's behavior. Also, there are things the principal should be doing. Like, this student should be spending his recess and lunch recess next to an adult. There are always yard duties on and when a child is acting like that in our district they are required to stand with the yard duty, or maybe he should be doing school work in the office or principals office until he can understand that that kind of behavior will not be tolerated at school. If non of this works, then this student needs to be removed fromt he school and placed somewhere else, and yes schools can do that. It takes time and documentation, but it can be done, especially when it means the safety of other students.

You have done an amazing job trying to go about this the right way, but now I would take it to the next level, no child should have to deal with this at school. Hope it improves, please keep us informed!
GS

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C.S.

answers from Sacramento on

I just went through a similar bullying situation with my 9 year old son this week. He had been picked on for months. Fortunately the principal was willing to deal with the situation immmediately.
First let me encourage you that you are your child's biggest advocate and you and her have the right for her to feel safe at school. Most schools today have an anti-bullying policy, find out what steps are supposed to be being taken- if the policy is not being followed let the superintendant know. I would let the principal know that if nothing is done to stop this behavior that you were going to contact CPS and the police because this is battery against your child. You can press charges against another child. Also take pictures of her injuries.

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J.O.

answers from Sacramento on

This story is so disturbing to me in so many levels and I'm sorry you and your daughter have to go through this. If I was in this situation I would start making myself present, rather then calling the principal or superintendent I would go to the offices and demand a solution to this problem. Take pictures of her injuries and document every phone call made and what was said so when you finally get a chance to talk to the superintendent or when you talk face to face to the principal you can have it all there for them to see.

If it continues to happen I would send a note telling the teacher that you no longer want your daughter to go out to recess or lunch and that your daughter will have to spend that time with the teacher or be in the office during the times she is being threatened.

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P.V.

answers from San Francisco on

My son (who has autistic) was bullied by a class mate for three years. After much persistence on my part I finally got the school to take it seriously. I told them over and over that there was obviously something going wrong with the bully, as little kids that exhibit aggressive behavior are actually just exhibiting poor social and coping skills and need help. At long last I got through to them. My son was placed with the grade ahead, to separate them. The bully is being treated through the special ed department for being emotionally disturbed and is being taught the correct ways to handle his anger and frustration. They've also started to help out with the kid's father who has anger issues of his own. (no surprise there)

Having been bullied myself as a child, I recommend that you get your daughter into another class/school because even being in the same classroom with a bully is emotionally stressful, damaging to a child's self esteem and can drive down grades. I also recommend, for the good of the boy, that you insist that the school take his behavior seriously. If no one intervenes, then his abusive behavior will follow him into adulthood, where it may lead to tragedy.

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G.L.

answers from San Francisco on

This kid should be expelled from school for 2 says! The school is supposed to take care of that, isn't it???
Keep calling the principal, the superintendent every hour, every day! Try to have other parents involved too ( parents from other kids pushed by the bully )
In between I would tell my daughter to go see her teacher every time the little pest push her. I taught my kids not to be rude, but to get respect from others...even if they had to push back...usually the others kids stops..because for them it is so easy to annoy kids who never push back! easy target..

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B.S.

answers from Sacramento on

I would remove her from that school, and write a letter to the district about the principal being ineffectual. When my son was hit by another student at his school, the other child was suspended, and they took other steps to keep it from happening again. It doesn't seem like your school is doing anything.

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S.B.

answers from Sacramento on

Everyones suggestions sound great! I had a similiar problem but I have sons. When the younger one was being bullied I had his older brother step in. Nuff said.......

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J.M.

answers from San Francisco on

I had this very same conversation with my daughter last night only it's a girl who keeps kicking my daughter. If you are a Godly family, and we are, this is what I told my daughter. Ask the girl if she knows Jesus. If she spouts back something mean, just tell her that if she knew Jesus and he was in her heart then she wouldn't be kicking her and being mean to her like she does. Usually bringing up religion to anyone shuts them up. Unfortunate but true. My daughter said she would be embarrassed to do something like that. I told her she could just whisper it to the mean girl but we as Christians are supposed to spread the word of Jesus and maybe, just maybe, this little girl would want to know him and be kinder.
Good luck.

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D.S.

answers from San Francisco on

UNACCEPTABLE. If the school won't help you, get the police involved. Where are his parents? Why haven't they been called to the school to figure out what THEY are going to do? I would call the police and ask that they file charges on him. The school should have some type of policy regarding bullying. That's exactly what he is doing and they are condoning it by not taking any action. How sad is it that the boy knows he's not going to get any discipline for it. I bet you if you threaten to take legal action against the school, they'll be able to come up with a plan. Plain and simple they are not protecting your child. You should not have to take days off work just to make sure that your child doesn't get hit by another student. That's crazy and for them to even suggest it is even crazier. Tell them you've lawyered up and that will light a fire under their feet.

Stick with it.

God bless.

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B.D.

answers from Sacramento on

Have you talked to this boys parents at all?? I have an 8 year old boy..and there is no way that he would get away with acting like this at school...especially with a girl. WE have always told him that fighting is not ok...but it is ok to protect yourself if someone is hurting you....BUT it is NEVER ok to hit a girl (or kick). So maybe you should have a sit down with this kids parents and the principle. He can't just keep doing this to her and not have any consequences....maybe suspension. Especially if someone witnesses this. I hope everything works out for you and your daughter.

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T.D.

answers from San Francisco on

Oh, I have twins about to go into Kindergarten and I dread the day that one of them gets bullied. It is a shame that the school district is not doing anything to help you. Is there any way to get in touch with the little bully's parents??

J.P.

answers from Stockton on

Amanda ~ I had a similiar situation with my son - he was constantly being picked on by another boy in his class. Everyday it was something new. Finally, my husband & I got tired of it and had had it. We told our son, that next time that boy did anything to him, that he was to make a fist and punch him right in the nose as HARD as you can! or the stomach, or the ribs....we gave him places to hit him, not in the eyes, ears, etc.... and told him that he would not be in trouble for defending himself. Sometimes you just have to defend yourself. Funniest thing happened, the next day - he walked right up to that kid and told him - My Mom and Dad said that if you hurt me again, I can punch you right in your nose hard as I can! - the boy NEVER bothered him again! I am glad that it never actually came to my son having to do that, but just knowing that he wouldn't be in trouble if he did, gave him the confidence to stand up for himself. I am not an advocate of fighting, please do not get me wrong, but there comes a time when enough is enough. I also talked to my sons teachers, and principal, and let them know what I had told my son since they obviously could not control the situation! Maybe they kept a better eye on the situation since I had given my son permission to defend himself, or maybe that boy decided he didn't want to mess with my son anymore cause my son didn't have to take it anymore?, I don't really know why it stopped, but it did. I NEVER want my kids to feel like they are powerless against a bully! Bullies usually only pick on kids that they think won't stand up for themselves. I am betting that if your daughter stood up for herself, and punched him right in the nose, that would be the end of it!

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G.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi Amanda- I am a middle school teacher and bullying has become a big issue at our school. It is not tolerated and your school needs to get their act together. First, document EVERYTHING!! Every time you have contacted the school, the response, even take pictures of your daughter. Then DEMAND a parent conference with the principal, teachers, and HIS PARENTS!! Have your husband attend (or mean looking uncle or cousin if you have one:-) I have found little boys are big talkers on the playground, but when held accountable by adults and big men, they start acting better. Be perfectly clear in your meeting that this behavior cannot be tolerated, and consequences MUST be given to the young man. Hopefully, his parents will give him some at home, as well. It must be understood that it is the bully that should be removed from school, not your daughter. Sometimes, if parents are faced with expulsion, then behaviors begin to stop. Every child has the right to an safe learning environment. Be strong and dilligent. Unfortunately, you must be the "squeaky wheel" your daughter is depending on you. Please feel free to contact:-)

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C.A.

answers from San Francisco on

I think your response is very wise, and you are teaching your daughter at an early age that NO ONE has permission to touch her body. You are teaching her the skills necessary to defend herself, and also establishing her trust. My daughters were bullied by kids, and I confronted the bullies as well as the school. The school creates a "record of incident" on the bully each time someone complains. I confronted the younger bullies in front of my children and also confronted their parents. One Mom had her son write an apology to my daughter.

My older daughter had a best friend who was a bully. I told her that my husband and I were not pleased with the way she treated and hurt my daughter, that I will not allow it and that it was MY decision to end the friendship. Another child told the same bully to leave her alone and it backfired, the bully had the entire class gang up on the kid. We were explicit that it was the PARENTS decision. LOL, my kids were attending a private Christian school, we were paying 10k a year for this education and the bully lived in a 5 millon dollar home! Our school admitted the problems, gave workshops on bullys and created a peer friendship group. We eventually pulled our kids out of that school and into another. The bully remains at the school and the school fears legal actions from her parents so they will not expel the kid.

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A.L.

answers from San Francisco on

You shouldn't have to take your child out of school because she is being picked on nor should you have to take time out from work to be there an monitor. This should be the schools responsiblilty. I would suggest a meeting with the boys parents. Also maybe you can get in contact with the other parents of the kids that have been picked on. If enough of you complain, then they will know that this boy has issues. If they don't protect your child and any other child from getting hurt by this boy, you can seek legal action against the school. The boy maybe be into hitting and kicking, but I can already picture him escalating his anger. If the school and his parents don't do something now, something more serious or tragic will happen later.

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D.P.

answers from San Francisco on

Call the police. I bet that will get the principals attention.

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K.V.

answers from San Francisco on

This kid is a bully & needs to be dealt with. And it's not your responisbility, it's the prinicapl's & the school's responsbililty. They are supposed to keep your daughter safe at school & aren't doing their job. Sounds to me like they're afraid of this kid, too. Document everything. Every time your daughter comes hom w/a new injury, take pics & write down what happened. Think back to when this all started & write down everything you can remember from all talks w/the school & distric offices. Like the other mom said, refer to the school & district policies on this sort of behavior & refer to that when you talk w/the school. I'd say you might not want to talk w/the parents cuz if nothings been done, that also says to me that the school is afraid of the parents, too. Enlist the help of other parents whose kids have been bullied by this same kid. Contact an attorney &, like others have said, call the police & let the school you've done all of this & that you demand they fix the situation. I would also suggest you tell your daughter that any time this kid comes near her, to scream at the top of her lungs to call attention to the potential situation or immediately go stand next to an adult. Keep empowering her to stand up for herself & maybe tell her to encrouage her classmates to do the same. I also say, don't change schools. It's this kid who needs to leave the school. You might also think about therapy for your daughter as this could set a pattern for her life, either she'll always be the vicitm or she could become the bully herself. You don't want either of those scenarios to happen. She'll could get some new strageties as to how to deal w/him but you can also possibly avoid any emotional damage from this. As I said, one of the reason the school isn't doing anything about this kid is fear....afraid of him & his parents & of being sued. Well, make then afraid of you! Threaten to sue them for child endangerment. Hope this helps & gooc luck!

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J.A.

answers from Stockton on

This is awful your school should have a police officer who works with the school for prevention things like that. I would know the school handbook by heart and after all else has failed (which it sounds like)speak to the officer because your child has the right to attend school without harm. Email your school offices and the superinendents office keep all records and tell them if it does not change now you will go further!

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P.L.

answers from San Francisco on

Talk to the kids parents!! They would be mortified and would hopefully help change his behavior!!

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C.D.

answers from San Francisco on

Amanda,

There is a wonderful Karate studio, Pacific Coast Academy in the Safeway Plaza on Winchester. The instructor Russ Rhode has been teaching childern the art and dicipline of marshall arts for many years. I have an 18 yr old daughte (jr. blackbelt) and a son 14, who were taught there. Russ might be able to help your daughter with her self confidence as well as teach her a few things to help defend herself.

As a woman in this world and particular a young woman, it is not too early to teach her to defend herself.

Pacific Coast Academy!! Andy Dunn was one of the instructor's and he is wonderful with the kids as well.....

And I agree.....if that boy hits your daughter again you tell her to go for it....and don't stop, even if it hurts.....he might just think twice about hurting her again in the future. I have had this situation with my oldest daughter now 27 (and her daughter who is now 9) and it works.

Don't let the message sink in that it is ok for people to hurt you.....it's not ok.

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T.C.

answers from Bakersfield on

I certainly wouldn't take her out of school. But, I would contact the principal and request a meeting with him and the parents of the little boy. If that didn't work, I would contact the police and let them know that your daughter is not being protected at school. I know that sounds extreme, but you and your daughter have the right and privilege of being protected when she is in school. She should not have to be taken out of school. If this child has a severe behavior problem, then maybe he needs to be redirected to a school that can handle him. I had a similar experience with my daughter at the same age and it didn't stop until I confronted the child that was being so mean to her and told him he was not allowed to treat my child that way. Hope this helps.

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K.M.

answers from San Francisco on

This boy has SERIOUS boundary issues. It sounds like his parents don't role model very well and that he needs counseling before he becomes a lost soul. Most kids who behave this way are craving attention, and negative attention is better than no attention. Ask if there is a mediator that can help and invite all parents and their children who are being bullied. I also started filing police reports on the child's behavior. At least then, there was a paper trail. Someone needed to help. When my son was 7, he had issues with his classmates. The teachers and principal did minimal consequences to control the bullies. My son became very depressed and I had to fight him everyday until he turned 18, to go to school. He went through years of counseling(me, too).
He is now a wonderful young man and has fantastic problem solving skills. I truly feel for you. Good Luck.

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M.W.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi,
I think the school teacher/principal/superintendant have the responsibility to ensure all kids' safety. You should expect an action plan that is effective. Are the teachers not watching the kids? I don't understand why they expect you to be there to watch for your child's safety, what are the teachers doing? If this child is hurting others, don't they suspend him and let him know that there are consequences to hitting others?
Anyway, if you are not getting any response from the school, show them this article and let them know that you'll contact the press to let them know how bullying is handled/not handled in your daughter's school. Maybe this will prompt them to action before something this bad happens to someone:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/04/...

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T.S.

answers from Modesto on

After reading your story, I couldn't help but wonder what the boys parents' response to their son's behaviors was?
I have a daughter in the second grade too and we had a similar problem, except, my daughter was being labeled the "bully." Other than a few mean words, the worst thing she did was shove another girl, compared to what your daughter has endured.
As parents, we were very proactive and demanded to talk with the teachers and principal to find out exactly what had been happening at school. In our case, the problem was after school and the children weren't as closely supervised. What we discovered was that this had been going on for a while, and it wasn't until our daughter had had enough and used her hands to make her point.
We then found out that the parents of the other girl had been complaining that our daughter was a bully to the principal, but we were never informed. That really upset us! How could we be involved and remedy the situation if we didn't know there was one?
It was then that we had several conferences with the principal, by phone and person to monitor the situation. We learned that our daughter was not being allowed to play with the girl when she was playing with another girl, and that the two girls were not including her. So, we fixed the problem by separating them for a while and making sure that words instead of hands were used and teachers were told immediately if there was a problem.
Now they play wonderfully together....all three of them!
So, my advice to you would be to stand firm and make sure that the principal maintains a safe environment for your child, afterall, that's part of his/her job! I would also talk with the teachers and yard/lunch duty persons to keep an eye on the boy. Encourage your daughter to talk to an adult immediately, if there's an altercation and follow up with the principal to find out how the problem was handled.
Do you know if the principal is talking with the boys parents? If so, I would ask the principal what there feeling is regarding the situation. We were advised not to speak directly with the other parents in our situation, as it could lead to a potentially worse problem.
If any child should be removed from the school, it is the boy, not your daughter! As parents, we need to do whatever it takes to keep our children safe, so do what is the best for your family. Good luck and I hope it all works out!

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C.C.

answers from Sacramento on

I would find out who his parents are and go talk to them. Maybe they don't know he is doing this. From my experience when my kids were in school, the school really doesn't care... they don't really want to be involved. It's really sad.

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J.W.

answers from Sacramento on

Sorry to hear about your daughters troubles. It is the school and the principal who need to step up at this point. The Teacher can watch him and send him to the office but unless the principal takes action the situation will not get any better. Seems like the principal needs to step up and do his/her job in this situation. He/she perhaps should contact the boys parents and threaten suspension if not follow through with it. Bullying is a big issue in schools these days. Your daughter has a right to a safe learning environment. Perhaps his parents should be the ones who have to come and monitor their son as he seems to be the one with the discipline problems. The recess monitors during breaks and lunch should be notified of this (assuming they haven't been already) so as to keep an eye out. If he is a threat to other kids perhaps their parents have something to say about this as well and together you can finally get something done. And, going to the Superintendent is not a bad idea as well...seeing as the Principal is not being effective. I am not sure if the boy finds her at lunch but be sure to tell your daughter to stay with her friends in a group and far away from this boy...at recess, if he comes up she should walk away. Though situations in line are different. The Teacher, knowing there is a problem, should have the boy walk in the front of the line by him/her so as to monitor the boys behavior. Again, I am sorry to hear of this situation and I hope it all works out. You want you kids to enjoy going to school and not be troubled by the environment in which they go to learn.

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S.R.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi, I would informed the school and the school district that you have had enough. This issue is consider harassment. You'll need to remind them that there is an schools policy, that states there is a Zero Tolerance! Which include physical harming someone. You need to let them know if a action is taken with in the next few day I will have to notify the authority regarding this. Be strong, they will try to talk you out of taking any action on them. Remember this is for the saftey of your child.

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B.M.

answers from Salinas on

I feel your pain. My daughter is going into the second grade and WONT defend herself. I brought a couple of minor things to her teachers attention, and requested she keep her eye out. She said she would keep an eye out but that my daughter would have to learn to defend herself. I wish I had some good advise, but i feel Im learning more from you. I cant express how much my heart goes out to you!!!!! I dont know that I would take things as well as you. You are a strong woman!!!

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M.C.

answers from San Francisco on

I cannot believe this is happening. This is what I would do.
Since you have spoken to the principal and not much has been done. I would take pictures and keep a journal of the injuries and the date. Right down any conversations you had with the school. I would demand a meeting with the principal and the boy's parents. I would let them know that if your child comes home one more time with any mark you will press charges against the school and the boy's parents. The boy need to get help and the parents are responsible for the boy's actions. The school also has a responsibility for the safety of your child and need to take actions otherwise you will bring it to the school board. This has to stop. I would also teach your child to stand up for herself.

I would also make a flyer and explain what has been going on and pass them to all the parents. If my child went to that school and this is going on, I would want to know. If you can get several parents to demand action the school will have to do something.

Good Luck, stay strong and demand something to be done otherwise you will take action.

Based on your update:

Since the parents do not care and are not willing to do anything, then you need to let the school know they are liable. I would let them know that if one day your daughter is feed up and punches him, she will not get in trouble and no action will be taken towards her since she is only defending herself since the school is not doing anything about it. If it is happening during recess then he should not be allowed to go to recess he will have to stay inside. I would still take this to the school board.
I remember when I was young a boy slpped me across the face in school of course hit him back, both parents were called in and come to find out he actually liked me and di dnot know how to express himself. Looking back it was funny, however my eye was red the blood vessels in my eyes popped, my mother immediately went down to the school and demanded answers. It was resolved.

You have to demand and make it known you will not go away until this is resolved and if they want a suggestion from you. You can suggest what I said before this boy will not be allowed to go to recess with the other kids and then let see what his parents do, if they care.

Good Luck

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A.B.

answers from San Francisco on

I felt so upset when I read about your problem. I worried about bullies when my oldest daughter was in middle school. Since she was an only child she did not get the experience of fighting or wrestling with siblings. So I took her to a self defense class to teach her techniques to protect herself. I think girls sometimes forget they too can be strong enough to fight back and protect themselves.
I realize that you have taken all the appropriate steps by going to the school. Although, I think teaching your daughter to protect herself physically would be helpful. In other words since the system can not protect her always, then she will need to learn to protect herself. I have gone as far as giving my daughter pepper spray when she was in middle school because there were times when she would walk by herself home.
This can be one of the hardest parts of parenting, knowing when to tell your child to fight back.

By the way have you call the police and file a report?
This bully maybe needing help himself so maybe getting the police involved may help everyone. Or call social services on the parents I am sure you will get there attention then.
Good Luck

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K.H.

answers from Bakersfield on

Hi Amanda,
I had this same problem with a 'bully' at my childs elementary school also.
I did as you did inform school and officials at the head office.
I also told them that I would file a police report and bring this issue of their non-compliance with the schools 'students right' which clearly states that each child has the 'right' to go to school without the fear of physical threat or verbal threat.

See if your school has such a thing, as most schools do. The parents at our school once a year had to sign a new 'contract' stating we had seen, read & understood these rules.

If your school doesn't have such a thing, then threaten to bring in the authorities and /or your local news, that should get them going with some help.

If not, DO CALL THEM! Your child has the right under LAW to go to school and be safe from these bullies.

Hope this helps,
kh

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C.G.

answers from San Francisco on

I'm a 2nd grade teacher. I have parents who come to me to let me know if something is happening with their child (if the child hadn't already). Anyway, the teacher needs to have a SST (Student Study Team) meeting for the child. The child should be put on some sort of daily behavior plan. The child's parents are the ones who need to come to the school and watch their child to make sure he is not bullying anyone. If the behavior is only happening at recess/lunch, then he needs to be kept in the office during those times. However, without teacher/principal buy-in, none of this will happen.
Good luck,
C.

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J.J.

answers from Bakersfield on

It sounds like this child is being raised in a very violent home and this is normal behavior to him, You need to push the principal to do his job and maybe even report it to authorities, this is definately a dangerous situation for your daughter, and if this boy is being taught this at home it is also dangerous for him. Call the police!! Report this immediately, along with the principal not doing his job.

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C.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Amanda,
It sounds like you have done everything reasonable to remedy this situation. The situation you have described is totally unnaceptable. You mentioned that you have met with the principal and that you have left a message with the superintindent. I assume that you have already told your daughter's teacher about this. Ultimately, the school is responsible for her safety during school hours. I would suggest you be more assertive in demanding that they keep her safe. I would schedule a meeting again with the principal where you detail everything that has occured. Be very prepared with a detailed list. I would bring someone with you (husband, friend) who give you support if you find it difficult to be confrontational or to demand action. That person should also take notes of what is said while YOU do the talking. I would tell them uniquivocaly, that if they do not stop this one other student from hurting your daughter and other students that you will hire an attorney and sue the school district. I know that this sounds drastic but the situation you described is completely untenable. No one wants to sue, but if the school does not take action, even a strongly worded letter from your attorney (this will not cost a fortune) may get more action from the district than you have gotten. This school needs to know that you will hold them accountable.

I very much disagree with posters that suggest that you resolve this dispute with the bully's parents. That is a very bad idea. This is a problem with the school not protecting their students and you will only bring more problems on yourself by approaching the parents. Good luck.

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A.K.

answers from San Francisco on

Ditto what Arlene F said. Additionally contact a lawyer, the way I see it the school is not doing their job to ensure the safety of the children in its care, and see what kind of advice they can give.

You may also want to call child protective services (anonymously at first) and raise concerns about how this boy is being treated that is causing him to act like this.

good luck and keep us up-to-date on what's going on.

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Y.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Wow, something is wrong with that child, I bet he is being bullied somewhere and so acting out. You need to put down your concerns in writing to the Principal, and send copy to the School District Legal Dept. With it in writing they can not ignore the issue. In fact I would make sure the Legal Dept. knows that you have had this problem thru-out the year and the principal is not taking action. Your child has the right to go to school and be safe, that child is harrassing your child, and that is against the law, even at that young age. If you word your letter to the Supervisor, Legal Dept and Principal I would bet you get some positive outcome.

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N.P.

answers from Modesto on

Hi Amanda!

First of all, I'm soooooo sorry you are going through this with your daughter.

This EXACT same thing happened to my sister when she was little. It was amazing how the school kept punishing my sister ( by keeping her safe inside for recess)instead of the boy who kept threatening her. Today, the same boy (now a man)is serving a life sentence for 2 Murders from back when he was a teen.

My opinion....If your principal isn't protecting your daughter, then YOU have to find a way! Start with your school's Handbook. There will be a list of behavioral "consequences", so use that book to fight your case. This boy should've been expelled a long time ago! And TAKE PICTURES!!! You may need the proof a long time from now. Document everything you can remember, and keep GOOD track from here on out.

Re-Start with the Principal reminding him of the Handbook rules, your photographs, and your next step is to call the Police.....No more "Mrs. Nice MOM"....He should finally answer you. BUT, if not, then try the Superintendent stating the same thing. Now the school has been warned of your actions. So, if they CHOOSE not to help, then you're forced to call the Police and ask them what you can do because the school is not helping you and your daughter. Document all your attempts to talk to the school. Your daughter is being ABUSED!!!!!! If you're not going to hit her, what gives anyone else the right to touch her that way?

Amanda, this is going to be a tough fight. You need to discuss with your job that your daughter is being abused at school, and SHE is your priority over the next few months. You need to be flexible for her. You need to make her FEEL you're doing everything you can to help her. Please stop feeling like you're hands are "tied" by blaming the principal. If you can't get past the school.....then call me, I will help find a way!

No more trying to "be nice" with the school. THEY'VE burnt that bridge, now it's time to take action to protect her. Yes, if that mean's to sign in everyday and go to class with her.....then absolutely YES.

Today.....make some phone calls TODAY. Don't give up :o)

Your daughter will be in my thoughts and prayers.

:o) N.

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W.M.

answers from Sacramento on

Amanda,
Sounds to me like the principal has to take a harder line and suspend the child. My son was suspended for just telling some one"only black people talk that way". Abuse like that is now allowed in the school, and he is endangering your child, by letting the other child attend.
I would question why the child has not been suspended so far, with the superintendant.
W.

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N.H.

answers from San Francisco on

I'm so sorry this is happening. There is a parent who is suing the Oakland Schools for what happened to his son... perhaps there is a way to get the school more involved in this. I believe that the school is liable for anything that happens to your daughter while she is on their grounds. It is great that the teacher is careful in class but perhaps this child needs to be separated from the rest of the kids at recess if he is an imminent threat to their safety (and his parents are unwilling to be involved).

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J.K.

answers from Fresno on

Go to the principal in person and tell him you are not leaving until you meet with the kid and his parents along with your daughter and the principal. It is their job to protect her at school.

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M.L.

answers from Sacramento on

So sorry to hear that you are dealing with this sort of bullying...abusers in my experience rarely lighten up their activity rather they escalate their behavior. This young man needs help, but your daughter should not have to be the outlet for his anger.

Having dealt with school 'leadership' in the past on the harrassment of my then 14 year old daugther, she was threatened and physically harrassed by other girls for having reported sexual harrassment by a popular sports coach; from that experience I learned (after meeting in person, trying to be reasonable adults) the ONLY thing that seemed to be understood was a letter to the school Principal, DA office (DA's office had filed the charges against the coach) and school police officer, explaining that the next event would be the last and appropriate charges would be filed. In that letter we took the time to remind or 'educate' the educated, about school policy as well as state policies on what harrassment, assualt and battery is and sited those policies.

Our problem was solved.

We were ready to file the charges, since our feeling was a free education was coming with a very high price tag the way it was going. It was time to make the school ground less of a battleground for a child who did what was right and likely spared others.

Sign me ...One Mother Bear

DL

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J.M.

answers from San Francisco on

Amanda
I would call the super until you get what you need. The boy should be suspended from school and expelled if he continues to hit and hurt other children. It is that simple. You should not have to quit your job. That is totally unfair.

To be honest with you my son was suspended yesterday for being a part of a group of boys who were verbally harassing another child. He deserves it. I have taught him to never ever hurt another persons feelings. He is in Middle School and this is the first time he got into trouble of this sort. My point is that his school took a no tolerance approach.

I have heard of parents calling the super and threatening to sue the district. Apparently, that works.

J

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N.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi, Amanda,

This is my daughters first year at full time school, (kindergarten) and it was a very horrible first half. She also had a boy hitting her and she too was coming home with cuts, scratches from being dragged around the playground as well as a fat lip. The principal is really awesome, my son had her as a teacher 4 years back and now she is the principal. She put a stop to it really quick and had a meeting with his parents. Not all of us together. My sister had that kind of meeting and the other parent went ghetto on her and wanted to take it outside. Anyway, it happened only a couple of more times after before it finally stopped. However, I did tell her teachers and the principal that I was going to call the police next time and that I told my daughter to start fighting back. I also asked them both what happens to the kid if it continues being that they are so young. They said the same thing as high school kinds. They too can get suspended and expelled or the police involved. That's what I would do next. Scare the you know what out of him. I see it as something going on at his home and although that is not his fault, you still have to protect your daughter. so, if it happens again, I'd have the police there the next day. His parents sound ghetto too, poor thing.

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S.N.

answers from San Francisco on

Although I don't have any experience with this, I thought you might appreciate this article I found on SFGate this morning... http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/04/... (that's the link). Similar situation that went horribly wrong. Perhaps you could talk with your principal armed with this article!
good luck. I feel terrible for your little girl. I was bullied in school too.

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J.P.

answers from Fresno on

I would call an lawyer and find out if you can su the school and school district, for letting this go on. Also. I would call child protective services and let then know what has been going on and what the boys father is like. Chances are the boy is being abused at home. Have you ever consider home schooling or private school? At least you wouldn't have to worry about your daughters safty and you know she would be getting good quality education.

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N.T.

answers from Yuba City on

This is more common than you know and the school is very responsible for your child and her safety. Is there another class she can go to. If not then meet with whoever will help you to make sure this doesn't keep happening. And enlist other parents through the PTA or simply put up signs for those to meet with you at a designated place to discuss the plan of action. Sometimes parents have to band together to make things happen.
If that child is a danger to others, there is the alternative of getting the local sheriffs department involved.

ntomas

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A.A.

answers from Sacramento on

Bullies thrive on fear of others, mostly because of their own insecurities. It sounds like you have tried all the nice ways of dealling with this bully. That being said, taking your lunch time or quitting your job to "protect" your daughter from this boy are not good ideas, neither is taking her out of school. Remember she is learning how to deal with this bully at the same time you are. Unfortunately for all of us, bullies don't just hang around the school yard, they are in the "big person's" world to.

Have you thought about putting your daughter into a self defence class. Where she can learn quickly how to protect herself, as well as apply limited pressure back when needed. If you elemenate the fear that bully is looking for, you elemanate the preceived power and control he has.

It sounds like this kid needs a good punch in the nose from someone he is terrorizing.

A little about myself- I am a father of a one year old son, who was in my earlier years of life picked on constantly by a bully, my father always told me to try to take the quite way out, but if that did not work, fight back. I spent a year trying to avoid fighting back, but in the end all it took was standing my ground... I didn't have to swing or kick once.

Best of luck to you and your daughter.

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Z.M.

answers from San Francisco on

I know this will be hard to get your mind and heart around, but I have been a marriage and family therapist and have seen this work with many bullies. Sit down with the bully, your daughter, his parents if they'll come and seem cooperative, and a school representative-- the teacher, principal, whoever. Explain that you don't want to get him in trouble (I know, it's a lie, but it sets a more cooperative mood for the talk) but that your daughter's safety has to come first. Then, explain what concerns you-- the kicking, hitting, etc., and ask if he has any ideas how to stop it. He may say, 'I don't want her to look at me' or something else of that nature, then you summarize, 'So, if she doesn't look at you, you won't touch her? Amd if she does look at you, you'll tell the teacher, and have him/her sort it out?' Once he agrees, sum up with, 'OK, we'll try that for a week-- if it doesn't work, we'll all meet again.' Because he came up with the solution, he'll be more invested in making it work. Also, because you're not trying to bully him by *making* him behave, he's more likely to go along.
Good luck!

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L.W.

answers from Sacramento on

Will you quit your job to protect her when she is out of high school too?

If he is beating up on her, somehow someway she is allowing her power to leak over to him. She need not confront him directly with one on one muscle, but she needs to have a creative imagination session to make her powerful.

Have her pretend that she is 10 feet tall and how much help this tiny little worried boy needs. If he was a happy boy who loved himself he would not feel the need to make someone else small. He wants to feel powerful because he does not feel powerful. She probably doesn't feel powerful either. Have her imagine that she is talking with his guardian angels and telling them she wants him to feel safe so he can be happy and love himself and other people. She can help him this way. When he gets the help he needs, he will respect others because they care for him and they respect the power of their own love.

Later on a different day after you see results, then when she has healed him this way (she can put a band aid on his thinking cap), then she can make him the same size as her so they can help other kids together. This is all just in her imagination, the Quantum Field responds to these thought processes and there may be a lot of benefit to just you visualizing it yourself let alone if you engage her in playing like this.

Love, L.
teacher of new consciousness

Watch and see how the situation improves just because you've asked!

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M.L.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi Amanda,
i am so sorry that this is happening to your daughter. it is just so heartbreaking. i used to be a teacher and what i would suggest is contact the principal again and ask/demand a conference with you, the boy's mom, the principal and the teacher to discuss the situation. i hope this helps. it just makes me so sad.

G.P.

answers from Modesto on

Most schools have options to put students in other class rooms. I would find out who is mother is, and find out what is going on. Maybe he is being abused and taking it out on innocent girls. Kids don't act out that unless something is going on. If you did have a day off, you could sit in the class and observe the boys facial expressions, that boy needs counselling or something.

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M.B.

answers from San Francisco on

I am angry for you as well. If the principal will not do anything, I would keep a log with dates and injuries and take photo's of everything. I would also demand a meeting with this child's parents. Your child should not have to fear going to school and this other child's bullying will only get worse. This is the part of school that is horrible. I completely understand what your daughter is saying about not wanting to get in trouble, it is funny how some kids "get it" and some don't. The other thing you can do is tell her to scream "Stop It" really loud right as he comes close to her, before he hits her and even if he is not going to hit her. This will bring attention to him. Tell her that she has to do it every time he comes near her. I hope this gets resolved for you.

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A.A.

answers from San Francisco on

As a child who was picked on, please take her out...protect her. The damage it can do will take years to fully deal with. Our job as parents is to protect our children, at all costs...BTW, I would suggest not putting her in the position of "fighting" back, she may get really hurt and she is a child and should be defended...that's just my opinion.

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