Need Help W/ Teenagers

I would go to family therapy and work out a family contract. Certain things cannot be tolerated, like the swearing and rudeness towards you. Other things are not worth the effort. If the children are involved in formulating the plan, they are more likely to follow it.
I understand what it is like to be a single mom. You get the brunt of everything from the kids because you are the only person there for them.

Now safely on the other side of adolescence, I feel for you! I've been a single mom for 17 years, and can be a challenging road.

Here's a book I found useful: Positive Discipline for Single Parents, by Nelson, Erwin & Delzer. Also suggest some counseling for you even if they don't want to go - you've got 2 more who are no doubt watching and affected too by what you are going through with their older siblings, and you really have your hands full.

Another book I used quite a bit was Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers, by Michael Riera.

And, you can ask at their school if there are any parent groups. Some high schools help parents through this period by bringing in speakers on parenting teens. See if the school has a wellness program they could go to, or if there is a school counselor you can talk to. Are you concerned about their school life at all, or is it primarily their behavior at home that concerns you? (For me, my daughter's behavior affected school as well as our relationship.)

Do you have a church you belong to? Ministers can be good resources too, so that may be another resource for you to find some support.

Good luck

I recommend a book I'm currently reading by Christian Author, Jill Rigby. It's called "Raising Respectful Children in a Disrespectful World." I heard her speak at a Christian women's conference. I also want to get her book, "Manners of the Heart." Very good stuff! Her book is available on Amazon.com.

Blessings,

K.

Maybe family counseling for at least you and the two older kids might help. Check with the county for low-cost/no cost services. Family counseling will give everyone an opportunity to be heard (with an objective, third-party facilitator there) and will also give you a forum and support for setting boundries for acceptable behavior in your family. Talk to the counselor first and get his/her take on how to explain to your teens that they are going. They don't have to want to go; they just have to go. It would be nice if they were on board, but they're teens and you're there mother. In the meantime, don't forget to pat yourself on the back for being a single mom raising four kids while working a full-time job!

Well, I beleive, like most Mom's here, that you need to take yourself respect back and set the ground rules. It's your job to be their Mom, not just their friend. They shouldn't have the choice to go to counseling...If you beleive they need it (and it sounds like it), then you tell them they are going. I would check with thier school, some of the schools have on site counsling for kids too.

If you stand strong and respect your self, they will too. Set the ground rules of what will and wont be tolerated in your house. If everytime they roll thier eyes, are disrespectful, swear etc, and you make the rule that they have something taken away..(ipod, car, clothes, free time, etc...) then you need to follow through and do it...NO matter how much they Act out, or get mad. The sooner you take control of your house and stand frim, the easier it will get and sooner. I know its a hard road, but if it isn't changed, it will get worse! They need to learn that life is full of rules and respect of yourself and your family is one of the most important qualites we have and can give.

It's not too late at all. You love your kids and are doing what you can. Unfortunatley you need to forget about their Dad and be the best Mom you can. It's having them love and respect you and themselves! I would sit down with them, tell them how hurt your are and how sick you are of their actions and disrespect and that things are going to change. Tell them it's not up for discussion. It's the way it is and you are being curteous and telling them so they know the rules and the consequenses up front. They have the choice as to what happens and how things go after the discussion.

Good luck, be strong, and have Faith.

Hi C.,
I'm a firm believer in talking with your children because it's never too late to set boundaries. It does sound like you need to speak one on one with your teens and let them know how it makes you feel to hear words like that coming out of their mouths. Mention to them the fact that you would never speak to them that way (I hope)because you respect them as a person and not just because your their mom. Ask them why they feel like they can treat you that way. I know when I asked my 13 yr old "who do you think you are talking like that?" I got a pretty shocked and then blank look out of her because she had nothing to say. Ultimately, you are the one that drives them places, pays for any extra curricular activities, takes them to the movies, etc. Point out that these are all choices you make not things you have to do. If nothing changes, I'd stop all of the above and simply let them know you are obligated as a parent to give them a place to sleep, food, and get them to school. That's it. Period. If they want anything more from you, they might want to think about their ungrateful attitude and what it will cost them in the end.
Good luck!
M.

Hi C.,

Sorry you are having such a hard time. Do you take your children to church? You mentioned you are praying that the lord will work everything out. The churches offer different programs for teens and preteens. I know you may go to one that you were raised in, but sometimes we have to change, because usually the people that work with children-love children. I remember taking my visiting grandson to our church with us. He asked if we would have time to go back before he left for his home out of state. He said "I really liked the people. They were really nice. They gave me some candy for being a visitor, but it wasn't the candy, they were really nice."

Good luck and god bless

D.

I have one teenager and one almost there. I would suggest counseling for the whole family since the behavior of the teens does effect the younger ones. I know you say that they don't want counseling, but that is because they know their behavior is dis repectful and don't want to be called on it. They are also probably afraid to face the real issues behind the disrespect. As the parent you must assert your authority in this. Ask your pastor if he/she has any suggestions for family counseling. That is usually a good place to start.
Also, here is a link to a CD called Parenting Teens, written by a pastor that has raised four kids. I know them and they are all amazing people! I really found it helpful. The site also has other parenting resouces.

http://ctw.coastlands.org/store/product.php?productid=161...

Remember that you are their mom and not their friend. That doesn't negate the fact that you love them, but you have to take over being the parent NOW. Who cares if they don't want to go to counseling. You put them in the car and you take them. Go to individual and family if you need to. a great place to go would be Northgate/Turning Point (sliding scale/can even be free) on Market and Northgate Blvd.

Remove all priviledges. Take back all electronics, REMOVE the TV and stereo from the house (seriously). Take back the cell phone, the PSP player, the ipod - all of the things that they THINK they are entititled to. the only thing that works is for them to learn real world consequences. AND you absolutely cannot get into a battle with them. You calmly say "hey the rules have changed and here are the new ones. When you are rude and disrespectful by doing/saying such and such, the consequence is removal of such and such privilege. To earn the privilege back you will need to do such and such. Make it all very specific, write it down in a contract. Don't argue with them or negotiate. Go scream in your car after if you need to, but do NOT argue and negotiate. You must be VERY consistent. Let them know you love them, but you will no longer tolerate their behavior. My husband recently made his 16 year old son sleep in the backyard (he did give him a sleeping bag). this was because the kid lied about doing homework for the 3'rd week in a row, so my husband calmly told him that obviously he would eventually become homeless since he was not going to be passing school and he would need to have some experience living at discovery park one day!! The kid's eyes got huge, but he did sleep in the backyard. the next day, hubby asked him about his experience and he was told "it was cold." Gee, homework started coming home and he began checking power school on his own. Essentially we teach our kids how to treat us. My 4 year old is an angel for daddy, but is very "mommy, mommy whiny dependent with me because I have not been consistent the way my husband has been. We are unravelling that now before it gets too late. Hope this helps, they may hate you at first, but they will come to respect you later.

Hello C.,

My name is J. and I too have had a similar run in with my oldest daughter Amy, who is now twenty. I sympathize with you as I know being a single parent with four kids these days can be a challenge. I know that most teenagers today are hurting because they face similar situations, such as no father in the home or vice versa. I work with 6-8th graders in my church, I am a middle school ministries youth leader and I have seen and heard some pretty tough challenges. Let me ask you this C., do you go to a church that has youth groups for your kids? This is a really important time for your kids to be plugged in to the church! If you are not always able to go you should send them anyways, although, you being committed to the Lord can have a great impact on those around you. However, none the less, sometimes youth need an outsider that can just listen and be their friend. Unfortunately, parents can't always be both. I know this from experience because my 14 yr old has found more comfort in counseling than with me at times. Don't get me wrong she is a great kid who loves the lord and is involved in her youth group, but still there are some things that I and my husband may do to hurt her and therefore it makes it harder for her to come to us about those things. You see, me and my daughter have a wonderful relationship but I too make mistakes that I'm not always aware of. That is why it is helpful for her to have an outside connection with somebody that she can trust. Believe me when I say that teenagers build walls of protection around them and their behavior is their way of not letting anyone in. It sounds like your kids are hurting a lot and need someone to break through the walls they have created around them. Now let me tell you that will be an exceptionally loving person who will be up for the challenge. This is why I have dedicated my own life to the ministry of junior highers. Please C., go to the Lord in prayer and ask him to guide you to a church that will have a ministry for each of you, because you too will need the help of the Lord to get you through this. You are not alone. Get your kids plugged in somewhere and commit to it. There are also some other things you can do to get started with them; like have you sat down with them at all? Do you have a family night? What are their biggest challenges right now ? do you ever just listen without saying a word? That sometimes in itself can be the biggest eye opener for a parent because they can finally get a glimpse of what is going on with their teenagers. It all starts in the home C., but there is help when you need it. It is just a matter of getting plugged in. It wont be easy because it took a long time for your kids to get to this point and it will take a little longer to get them through it, but remember, in spite of what we think God will never give us more than we can handle. God Bless you and your family and if want to talk and need some more advice please dont hesitate to email me at ____@____.com

Hi C.,

It is never to late to regain the respect you deserve from your children. You have to be firm and say what you mean and mean what you say. Let them know that you are putting an end to them disrespecting you. I had to call the police on my son when he was a teenager and that was the best thing I could have done. He was not listening to me and upset me. He was a lot bigger then me. I called the police and advised them that my son was not listening to me and I needed a police oficer to come over and talk to him. They call it incouragable. There is a code for it and I can not remember the code but after the police officer spoke to him I never had any more problems with him not listening to me. Your children never expect you to call the police on them and they get embarrassed when they come to the home. Do not threaten to call them if you do not plan on calling them. That is important.

Wish you well.

N. Marie

1. Force them into counseling. You go, too. Yes, they may sit there and not speak at first, but eventually they will. And you need someone to help you to get through to them. Heck, you could even ask them if they want family counseling or individual counseling, if you feel like you have to give them a choice of some kind in the matter. But do the counseling. Period.
2. My daughter is 14, and I had both 17 and 15 year old foster daughters in prior years as well. The one thing I have learned is that teenagers think that EVERYTHING is their RIGHT...phone, computer, closed bedroom door, video games, DVD player, iPod... Those are prime things to block access to if they can't be civil and non-abusive to you. I felt like a harpy at first, but soon realized that refusing things that are not "needs" made a big difference. Yes, they were pissy, but it didn't seem like that big a deal since they had been so rude up to that point anyhow! Hang in there,Mom! But get it nipped in the bud before they get any older. Trust me!

I raised two children who are now adults. I was not particularly strict by most people's standards, but I insisted on respect for each other. I made it clear to both children that they needed to treat me with the same respect I showed them. If I were you, I would sit each child down individually and explain how their disrespect bothers you and ask what they are willing to do to change their disrespectful practices. If the disrespect continues, repeat the one-to-one conversation, weekly if necessary. It's imperative that you approach these discussions calmly. Teenagers often thrive (in an unhealthy way) on getting an emotional reaction out of the adults in the household. Best wishes.

Hi C.,

I am the mother of four boys from two marriages. After the birth of my third son, my second asked me if I had to give one of them away, which would I choose. Internally he was questioning where he fit in the family. He was six at the time. The first father was rarely in the picture and broke many many promises. My first remained hopeful (about their father's love), my second became a very hurt and angry young man. He was very hateful toward me.

My second husband and I took him to counseling and we learned that all of the letdowns and lack of his father's love and attention was at the root of the problem. He had to learn that while it was ok for him to be angry with his father, it was not ok to take it out on me. When he got ugly or disrespectful he had to go into his bedroom and sit in the middle of his bed and think about why he was there. This helped some.

We had a major blow out when he was about thirteen and he push me over the edge. I completely lost my temper with him. After things calmed, I went into his bedroom and told him that what I had done was wrong and for that I was sorry, but that he was wrong too. I also told him that while I didn't always like what he did, that I always loved him and that wasn't going to change no matter what he did to try to make me hate him. I told him that he had six years left in my home and that we weren't going to have a repeat performance, that he would loose all of his privledges and would spend the next six years looking at the four walls of his room when he wasn't at school.

We really talked and I REALLY listened. We gained an incredible understanding of each other and he realized how much he was hurting me by his actions. He also realized that I was in it for the long haul and I wasn't going to give up and leave him no matter what he did.

I would suggest that you take each of your children, one at a time, where they would be embarassed to create a scene (to lunch, for ice cream or a smoothie). Have a heart to heart and get to the bottom of why they behave the way they do. My guess is there is a lot of hurt and anger at their father for the way he treats them and don't know how to handle it. They might even think that at some point you are going to walk out of their lives the way he did. You also need to open up to them calmly and let them know how much they hurt you and how much you love them. They need to know that they are the most important thing in your life.

Please feel free to email me if I can help. I truly understand how frustrating it is to not be able to reach them. Good luck!

L.

I dont have any teens, so I'm only talking on experience from my own family (single mom, only child, and father not in the pic.) Me and my mom had a very hard relationship starting around 11. I was the angry girl who hated her mom. It did have alot to do with my dad and it got really bad. Nothing seemed to work my mom tried everything from grounding to couns. The only way she got to me finally was to have me, her, my grandma sit and talk about there feelings. They basiclly wouldnt let me talk. My grandma kinda acted as a mediator. My mom sat for over an hour telling me how much I was hurting her and how hard she's trying to be a good mom with no help and everything she was feeling. And the second I saw tears I lost it. She got to say her piece and I then got mine. It took a few months of mending hurt old feelings from over the years but eventually we resolved our problems (mostly). We are now very close Iam 27 and realize what I was doing to her and really what a good mom she was. I think kids especially teens dont realize what there actions and words really do or how much they hurt. If they wont go to a counsler maybe you should try having a close relative or friend they trust act as a mediator and talk to them one by one. Something about having someone else their really helped me open up only because I was so embarassed for anyone else to see how much I was hurting my mom. Its very hard these days for single moms and kids just grow up too fast. Good luck with you kids and keep your head held high cause I know your doing the best you can, and as moms thats all we can do..
C.

I had a son when I got divorced. We had every other week custody so each week when he came home I gave him one hour to adjust back to my rules, respect and language before he got into trouble. You have to sit them all down with a pad where you write out what is expected of them and discuss each thing with them and why. Let them know it won't be tolerated anymore and they will lose phones, video games and have to write essays on why their behavior is not accepted. be consistant

1. You have to decide who the parent is. You are their mother.
2. If your past relationship was physically, and mentally abusive. You need counseling. Your teens need counseling.
3. Your life is out of control. This will affect your relationship with your younger children also. If you don't get this back under control.
It's going to take alot of work on your part. And it won't be easy. Don't wait though, it will effect the way you finish with the younger ones. They are abusing you. You need to get them counseling to get their anger issues in control. It will not be good for them in the adult world. It will cause them a lot of pain.