My Teenager Is Rude

I don't have any teens yet, but I think that if taking her things, and then giving them back didn't work, maybe you could try taking them away permenently. Then if she wants them back she has to make some permenant changes in her behavior and has to pay for them. I heard a saying once that said we only have to provide the needful things. A cell phone, stereo, computer, ect. are wants not needs. If she thinks she's an adult, then she should act like one.
I don't know if that would work but it is something I would do if I were in the same situation. I guess you could try treating her the way she treats you and see how long it takes her to catch on. Because if it's ok for her to treat others that way than it's ok to treat her that way(this is what I tell my children now ages 9,7,5, and 4).

Take away the material positions she cherishes most. Don't pay for her cell phone. Take her door off the hinges. She can have her things back after she goes to counseling with you. Take control of the situation, rather then let her dominate. She is very angry and unhappy. I am a divorced mother of two children (14 year old boy and 11 year girl.) My son started being very contrary. Counseling has helped him vent in a safe place.

I totally agree with the advice from:

From:
Julie F

Date:
Sat. Apr. 05, 2008

Good luck and remember you are in charge!!!!!

Here's my two cents. It's blunt, but I think that's the only way to be.

First, counseling is not optional. If she had diabetes, would you let her refuse to take insulin? Whatever her issues are, whether the new sibling or whatever, you can't learn them without help and without knowing what they are you can't deal with them. And it's both of you who need it, independently and together.

Your post reads a) as if you were peers, not mother/daughter, and b) as if you are mostly interested in explaining that you've tried everything and nothing works rather than interested in improving the situation. I believe this is because you have to be the tough guy (yes, you DO) and it's hard for you. The counseling will be there to support you in doing what you must.

In the meantime:

Computer, stereo, television, cell phone (she will survive without it, despite how she will protest that you're putting her in mortal peril), ipod, all gone. All at once. Off the premises. Doesn't matter who bought them. Does matter that she is your daughter and you are in charge.

No phone calls or social events at all.

Tell her exactly once that if she locks her bedroom door it's coming off. Say nothing more. Have a handyman take it off the very next day if you find it locked even once -- don't stand outside and lecture or yell or knock, just walk away and have it off the next time she comes home.

Regaining each of these items/events/privileges requires EARNING them...by attending counseling wholeheartedly; by keeping up in school; by contributing to the family via assigned chores; by participating with the family and engaging with her sister; by respecting your rules and curfews; and by maintaining a relaxed, respectful attitude toward you.

Once she sees that you are serious and gets fully on track, return one item/privilege per week or so if that week goes very well. No faster. And if the attitude returns, it's back to ground zero -- all earnings revoked at once.

On your end, you: never yell. Never. Never argue. If a conversation heads south, save it for counseling, which both of you will be doing alone and together once a week, which means two visits per week for each of you. Probably for about two months, though your therapist will have a better idea.

If it's difficult for you, save discussion of whether or not a privilege has been earned back for the counseling session. It's not a "given" that each week she gets stuff/rights back.

You have a very limited window in which to help your daughter...15 is really on the cusp. Don't wait.

There is a passage from a John Steinbeck book that helped me in dealing with my teens at various stages (#4 is 16 at the moment...yeah...teenagers are SOOO much more challenging than babies...give me a sleepless night with a baby over one with a teenager any day...but anyway... this is the passage:

I could not find his early face, the face of joy and excitement that made me sure of the perfectibility of man. He appeared what he had become--sullen, conceited, resentful, remote and secret in the pain and perplexity of his pubescence, a dreadful, harrowing time when he must bite everyone near, even himself, like a dog in a trap. Even in my mind's picture he could not come out of his miserable discontent, and I put him aside, only saying to him, I know. I remember how bad it is and I can't help. No one can. I can only tell you it will be over. But you can't believe that. Go in peace--go with my love even though during this time we can't stand each other.

Written by John Steinbeck in The Winter of Our Discontent… He was speaking about the fourteen-year-old son of the main character. Published in 1961.

Anyway...teenagers do become very narcisistic. Most of them grow out of it. And if it's any consolation...my older 3 that have gone on to adulthood are VERY considerate and tell me that can't believe they acted like they did when they were teens.

Take control! Take away ALL her devices for awhile. YOU are the person who makes the rules, not your brother or anyone else. I would sit her down and give her a talk on what the "RULES" on what proper etiquette is with all of her electronic devices.

Who cares if her friends think you are rude? In fact, if you take control, they will actually be more respectful.

I don't have a teen, but I am like Mom to the 15 year old who lives next door. She doesn't have a Mom and she has grown up with my 10 year old son who has special needs. She now has a "job" helping watch him, and doing social play with him. She got into the habit of of constantly texting or calling her friends on her cell phone while with us. She also would go around with her ipod on, and act clueless.

I sat her down and told her "The rules" and I think this would apply to any teen with their family or friends.

Cell phone Rule #1

When you are with others, you do not talk on your cell phone or text. It's rude.

If you need to make a call, or text someone - you say "excuse me", I need to call so and so, and walk away and make your call privately, or go out of hearing range of others so they are not subjected to being ignored.

Cell phone Rule #2

When engaged in family activities or with family members or even friends, you do not make non-essential calls. Period. Find private time to do that. Being with others is exactly that... being with others... not talking on the phone.

If the cell phone rings with friends or others, the response is "Hi so and so, I can't talk right now. I'll call you back later". If the incoming calls are incessent, the phone must be turned off.

Set rules for WHEN it is OK to use cell phone, and when it is not. 24/7 access to using cell phone is not OK.

Cell Phone Rule #3

Texting follows the same rules as talking on phone.

Ipods are same deal. You do not ignore others. Set rules for when it is OK to use.

Your final statement:
"I set up counciling and my daughter refused."

Since does your daughter make the rules? Take away all those electronic devices and her privileges, stop paying her cell phone bills, and make her EARN those things back WITH LIMITS, and rules for appropriate behavior. Make it REALLY clear what those rules are, and if she doesn't follow the rules - she loses privileges again.

I realize she is used to controlling the situation, and you will get a backlash while she tries to figure out how to control you. This is what ALL kids do! But in the end, what you will end up with is her RESPECT for you as the parent.

If you don't feel you can do this by yourself, by all means... YOU should go and get counseling and support, and learn how to take control. In fact, it is better if you go alone to begin with anyway, THEN get your daughter involved if your counselor thinks it's appropriate.

Teens are really hard sometimes. And being a single mother is not easy. Get some support from a professional.

Okay, here's what I think.

I would definitely have a mother-daughter talk. I mean, go to her when there is not a conflict. Sit down, and really have a heart to heart. What is going on? Why is she so not interested in her family? Did you do something? (Even if in your heart you know you didn't, ask anyway) Express to her the hurt you feel when she does what she does. If she just shrugs and says "I don't know", give her paper and a pen. Have her write it out. Maybe have the school counselor question her, without you there. Then ask the counselor for feedback. Also, I would take the "accessories" and definitely take the phone at a certain time. I had to do this with my daughter a few years ago. She had to give me the phone from 9pm til she left for school. This way, I monitored who called and when. I often shut off the phone at those times. Funny story: Once I took the phone and a boy texted her at midnight. I texted back letting him know it was her mom and what was he texting her so late for? She took it well, telling him her mom didn't like that and he never did again. Also, he saw me after, and believe it or not, had more respect for me.

YOU are the Mom and YOU have the right to do this.

Good luck!

K.

Take it all away and don't give it back. My 15 and 16 year olds don't have any of those gadgets and I don't intend to allow them to have them. We have to live where we are and talk to the people in our here and now.
M., mother of 4

Okay, take off her door, take away the ipod and speakers and put them somewhere where she can't get to them...at your work would be great. The cell phone, take that away too and only give it to her when she is at school or without you in case of an emergency. I have a 13 y/o boy who acts disrespectful and as soon as he throws attitude he gets to drop and do 20 push ups no matter where I am with him. Yes it's embarrassing but it makes him think twice about being negative, rude and disrespectful to me out in public. You have to grow a back bone and put your foot down and tell her NO I AM YOUR MOM AND UNTIL YOU GET A JOB AND MOVE OUT ON YOUR OWN YOU ARE GOING TO RESPECT ME AND MY RULES...YOU DON'T LIKE IT LETS PACK YOUR BAG NOW AND YOU CAN LIVE ON YOUR OWN WITH YOUR OWN RULES! Then put her in the car and drive her somewhere and drop her off. My friend did this with her 13 yr old son, and he changed his attitude real quick. Good luck!

Wendy,
I am a mother of four kids. I don't have teenagers - so you'll probably take this advise with a huge grain of salt. But based on what I have read - it sounds as though your daughter has all the control. I am certain you see this which is why you're going nuts. It sounds to me as though you might need to peel away some of the privileges she has - not ground her but simply take away - and start over with "earning the privilege and then if abused, she looses until further notice. I'd be very cautious about adding any extras for awhile. Being disrespectful comes from another emotion - perhaps she's feeling that since the younger sibling is needing more of your attention, she is going to get your attention by misbehaving? I have read so many times that teenagers are very difficult and cause so much stress. Sitting down and discussing your expectations with her and what the consequences will be if she doesn't behave - so there are no misunderstanding might be a good idea (or perhaps you've done this). Once someone understands exactly what's going to happen if...sometimes resolves a lot of problems down the road. I don't think making her your "friend" is going to help anything - be a firm but loving mom, who has boundaries and serious (meaning you follow thru) consciousness isn't fun - but will pay off when she's grown.

I hope this helps and remember to breath. Hold tight to your reins...really tight then if you let a little slack out, it will easy to pull back when necessary.
Best of luck,
S.

T.:
You may want to try the book Boundaries for Teens. It's excellent and gives specifics on how to handle teenagers. She is self absorbed as are most teens. If she locks you out of her room you can take the lock off her door with a screw driver. If she slams it blocks it to shut you out you can remove it from its hinges and she has no door at all. Disrespectful behavior should result in the loss of something important to her; Ipod, phone, tv and privileges. By the same token be sure to praise her for what she is doing that is good and right. Helping with her little sister etc. She is testing the waters of separation from childhood to adulthood and just needs the guidance as to how to do it without being disrespectful. Moral support is definitely needed on your part but she will know that you care and it's because you care that you can't let her treat people the way she is. Next time she goes in a store with you, her phone and ipod stay in the car. No arguing and don't break down and give in when she pressures you...just sound like a broken record. You'll get through it...good luck!

You do have a wide age difference between the girls. Are you expecting her to be your other half?? You say that your a single mom. Did she or you chose to have a baby? The rudeness sound like she wants attention. When was the last time you and your teenage daughter went to the pharmact to buy her a nailpolish just because and taled going and comimg from the pharmacy. I was 10 yrs old when my parents had my brother, I resented losing things because the baby needed this or he came first. So I ran away..I came home and things never got better and my brother and I have a so so realtionship. I am 48 now. I was a single mom of two boys and stayed divorced fo 26 years. I put BOTH first ME last. NO men to the house, No Overnight stays if I went out it was once every 6 months and just for dinner. I evenetually just stopped dating in their teenage years to not send mixed signals to my boys. Do as I say not as I do. Your daughter is not being rude, she is asking you to be mom. I sense that this boy the phone has the same problems thats why they connect. I agree the cell phone has to go if this behavior continues.She is under your roof and it dosent matter who gave it to her. Why would you allow someone other than yourself to give her a cell phone anyway??
Your daughters are in a world of computers and cell phones. There are bad people out there. This young man how old is he really ?? My sons both did their thing one dressed gothic the other hip hop. I didnt care becasue they knew the rules and boundries. We spent many nights/ days talking about their lives and their dreams. I helped them with what little I could afford. I worked in LA for and ambulance service 7 days a week. I just every odd shift I could get to spend time with them and when they were with their dad, I worked 24hour shifts for extra money to get what they needed. They both have graduated with honors from high school and college. My oldest son just made me a grandma this year. My youngest son lives at home and is still in school, works as a manager for Starbucks. Our words, actions and influences play a big part in our childens lives. My brother now 38 had his first son last year. He married a very nice lady with a 12 yr old daughter. The daughter is a bit lazy and overweight, lacks motivation but is a good girl who loves going to church, So they enrolled her in several programs at church and started going themselves. The problem is that they want her to be the parent when they are both overwhelmed or not prepared/organized. At the market you shouldl have been better organized. Maybe told your daughter, IPOD AND PHONE STAY IN THE CAR. Or You leave her and the baby with a sitter and you go to the market alone. My brother expects his step daughter to be mom until his wife comes home from work. There is pitching in and then there is shouldering the burden. I spoke up and mention that they both need to becareful. They will lose her respect and maybe her altogether if they push too hard. LISTEN TO YOUR DAUGHTER>>>>SHE IS TALKING TO YOU !

Okay, Wendy, you are her parent and you are able to make the rules. If she is not respecting you, it doesn't matter who gave her what. You pay the bills, not her. She is not entitled to anything but food, shelter and clothing. The phone would not charge without the electicity you pay for.
Personally, I would take the cell phone, the ipod and the stereo until there were ground rules and respect.
I had to do some of this with my daughters, they were not happy with me but the shift took place. They are older now and happy I did! We didn't have cell phones for kids then nor did we have ipods. But they did have their own phones in their room and they had C/D players etc. All of which was up for grabs if the attitude went south. It was the worst thing in the world when they would loose their phone, but the point was made and the attitude shifted. You just have to take back your role, you're in charge!
She needs to know that she is not entitled to anything even if it is a gift. First and foremost you make the decisions and she is lucky to use the gifts she is given.
I find it interesting today how so many kids think they are entitled to adult lifestyles when they don't foot the bill for it. Who pays the cell phone bill?
Anyway, that is my take and what I would do.

Wendy Wendy Wendy,
I have a 17 daughter soon to be 19 yr old son, I learned that argueing with them is pointless, so what I do now is this, I tell them what I don't like, if they ask to go someplace and the answer is no, I give them a reason, if they accept it nicely then ok, I might give in, although if I hear any rudenss out of there voice I go into the silence treatment I do not say another word to them. I don't talk to rude kids, I leave the room ,m funny this works everytime kids can't stand silence, now about the phone, when she is sleeping go into her room take the phone and the Ipod, and if you have to bury it in the yard, or donate it, give it to a neighbor, but she is not to get it back unless she has three months of perfect attitude. Then when she goes to school , take the speakers and cut the wires off the back , leave some so if you want to you can splice the wires back. This way she won't know about it untill she turns on the stero, if she ask who did this, ignore her, or I would say gee I think it was the rudness fairy that cut them I am not sure oh well. Same with the tv, I would take the door off the hinges if my kid ever lock me out of there room this is my house, not theres , Tough, the door comes off. Now see if this straigtens up her attitude. Mom time to get tough but silent. It works

Good Luck
T Miles

Hi T.,

Actually, though it is awful, you daughter is really behaving age appropriately. Be sure and set limits and stick to them. You are perfectly entitled to withdraw privileges of various electronics if she misuses them. Sit down with her and the two of you decide what is appropriate behavior and what is not and the consequences of the "not". If she won't sit down with her, tell her you'll just make the determination alone then. The idea of counseling is good, but it should include you. Just tell her you're both going and she has no choice about it. You can say that you want to learn how best to help her. She'll act very resistent in the meeting but a trained therapist can work with that as well. It is so common, it would be unusual to have a cooperative teenager in therapy.

V.

Wendy,
Whew, I know. You are doing fine. It is just that she is a teenager and it trying to find herself and her own boundries. The best thing you can do is stay consistant. Keep with your ground rules and don't bend. But also give alot of love. Believe me she will become a normal kid again.( somewhere around 17-18) Right now it doesn't feel that way. Do tell her she needs to treat you with respect and if she doesn't feel like she knows how to , you will start taking away the things she loves first. Being a parent is hard, I think even harder these days. But Hang in there. Talk with your girlfriends or co-workers about what a turd your daughter is being. That will make you feel better about what your are enduring.She will actually someday be your best little friend.
Hang in There,You are doing GOOD job
N.
OLd with lots of wrinkles

Hi
At 15, it could be hard to try to tell them "what to do", cause in their eyes they are adults. (Believe me, I know...I moved out at 15)
Anyways, this cellphone of hers...who pays the bill?
Perhaps it could be something that she needed to work for to pay the bill lets say. There are plenty of jobs she could do at 15, even bag at the grocery store. (she'd have to ask paper or plastic....) Then she wouldn't have time to talk so much on the phone etc.
In reality, teenage life is confusing and it often feels like you can't do anything you want etc, so try to bare with it for a while....it might become boring after a while to her.
Do you feel like she changed when the "best friend" entered the scene? If that's so, a firm talk might do her good.
Trust me, no child wants to see their parent "disappointed" in them in any way...just choose your words wisely.
Good Luck!

I don't agree with some that all teens are this way. But that said, you have special circumstances, and I can see you're an amazing Mom. But it's hard for a Mom to do this on her own, and it's not unusual that your daughter is acting out. Remember: It's not you she's attacking. You've probably done a great job.(It's hard to convince yourself at this stage, I'm sure). All the scientific studies point to the fact that when Dads aren't there for their girls in the right way--girls will act out. Everyone thinks only boys need that older male influence, but girls do every bit as much.

Believe me, I'm speaking from personal experience as much as from intervening research I've done. I was your daughter about, oh--thirty years ago.

I wish communities were more engaged and Moms like you could count on people around them to step in and take an interest. But of course in this day and age you have to be careful about the male role models you allow close to your daughter too. It's a catch-22, and I feel for you tremendously. Yes, you need to set boundaries as others have said, but it's also entirely probable that you've done the best you can to do that.

Do you have any close male friends you trust and who she likes--who would spend time with her (maybe not alone)?

A great place to start would be the "boy" friend. Do you know his parents? Are they the kinds of people you could talk to? Could you explain your concerns to them, to the boy's father together with the mother? It may not always be possible, but if they happen to be the right kind of people they could be your allies. Since she plainly likes him, if you cultivated a friendship with his parents and made it a family thing--you might find yourself with the daily help you need.

If they aren't inclined to help--then you'd need to look elsewhere and that makes your job harder. But you might start there first.

How does she get the money for cell phones and IPODS? Take it all away and shut off her phone until she can earn everything back by acting with respect towards you.

I have had similar problems with mine also. There is a big age difference like yours. I have a 16 year old and a three year old. I don't think your oldest is purposely being disrespectful or rude. I think she needs/wants 1:1 time and attention from you. I know you have to pay more attention to the baby, but maybe see if you can find someone to watch the baby a few times per week so you can get in 1:1 time with your daughter. Confront her when she is rude and disrespectful and let her know you won't tolerate that. About the cell phone, who pays the bill? If your teenager pays the bill, then it is harder to control. If you or your brother pay the bill, I would pay the bill for this month and then have it turned off or changed to pay as you go and let her use it only in emergency. I would take away the computer if it is in her room and monitor her interaction with boys...believe me this is worth doing. I would limit anything that changes her interaction on a face to face basis with others. She sounds very angry at having to share you with the baby. YOu are the adult, you have control of house rules. Just set limits and enforce them. Be sure to have talks with her about boys etc., so you don't end up with her doing things with them for attention. Tell her often how much you love her.

Dear Wendy,
I was a single mom when my oldest girls were teens. That is when I started to pray for guidance. I figured God made them and He should know them better! We now have great relationships, Tina is 37 married with 3 girls and Carly is 33 and married. You are not alone, they are quite the puzzles. My suggestion would be to see if you can reconnect with her via a truce and lunch. No cell, no ipod and no one else, not even the baby. Express to her that you love her and this is the first time you have parented a teenager and you need help. You want to work together so that it will be good for both of you. Dr. Dobson also has many good books on dealing with teens. Hope this helps.
XXOO
G.
PS
I have since raised another daughter who is now 17, although we had our struggles, she is now a beautiful young lady.
Just remember, "and this too shall pass."

Okay first off take the phone.If she can't be responsible and use the phone at appropreite times then she shouldn't use it. Also if she locks herself in her room remove the lock. I know your saying she's not a bad kid but maybe its time youy have a sit down and address these issues and you let her know that the road she has been going down just isn't the way to go. I hope this helps. Talking to her without all the distractions. If she continues then keep the phone and all her things.

A friend of mine had a similar situation. She sent her daughter to some kind of camp in the summer for a few weeks where they couldn't use cell phones or anything, and they got in touch with nature, did service projects, etc. For the first week her daughter threatened to run away from the camp, but soon she got into it and came home a changed girl. I'm not sure on the costs of camps, but maybe even a getting job to teach responsibility and respect might help. Work at a summer camp or something. I know it's hard and frustrating, good for you for hanging in there this far. Maybe you can find an activity involving service that you can participate in as a family. Something that also could work is have a heart to heart. Tell her your problem with her acting in certain ways, and give her a chance to voice her complaints with your demands. Then work out together some kind of system or agreement. I found that when kids are given a say in their rules they cooperate a lot better. Hang in there. Good luck. If all else fails, take her to church!

Hi T.
Who pays the bill for the cell phone? If it is you, have it turned off, until she can learn to follow your requests. Take her ipod away as well. Then have a talk with your daughter--stating that you love her and you want the best for her out of life. But having a disrespectful attitude will not get her ahead in life. Explain that you three are a family and you need her help around the house and with her sister. Have her do chores to earn her cell phone and ipod back. Some questions to keep in mind--Who is she hanging out with? Could her peers be an influence in this behavior? Could she be rebellion because the Dad is not in the home or she doesnot see him, and she blames you. Just some questions to think about. Maybe you can have a family friend talk to her, kids listen to others before they listen to their parents. Good Luck!

S. C.

Wendy, or T.? (sorry, confused)
I do not have a teenager...but I WAS one once and I have alot of respect for my parents now, for the discipline they gave me--mostly my father. I was the youngest of 6 and actually sound alot like your daughter, re: the disrespect. Of coures, back then, no cell phones, Ipods, computers, etc. I'll tell you what, if so, those things would have been taken away asap. Doesn't matter if YOU didn't get those things for her. One time I slammed the door behind me while arguing with my mom and my dad took the door off my room, saying I had no right to talk to her that way...or slam HIS door. He was right. My dad was better at the discipline than my mom, she really slacked and was way too lenient with me, which is why I disrespected her so much. I didn't work for the clothes on my back, (as an example) he did, they were HIS. The minute I got to saying things like, 'you can't take that, etc.' I was put in my place and I'd do the same with my kids. LIFE IS HARD out there, you can't hand 'em everything and expect to be raising an autonomous adult wtih a good head on. You said she's not a 'bad' girl...and that sounded familiar. I think you should make a list of "BAD" and "GOOD" and see what falls under each...If your boss said you're a 'good' employee, I wonder what would be under 'good' on his/her list..? I think 'disrespect' would be under the "BAD" column. And if you were on the phone at work and your boss told you to get off, but you ignored him/her...I think that would be under 'bad' too.
What does she HAVE to do to be considered "BAD"? From what you've said, she's done it and then some.
Just a few words from an x 'bad' girl...who needed a kick in the butt.

Hi Wendy,
Oh my you do have your hands full. I raised 5 children and you are right, teenagers are more work then 2 year olds. The only thing that found that worked with teens was to show them how it feels. For example: be on your phone and ignore her while she is trying to talk to you. I had to laugh at your remark about her being replaced by an imposter! This was my answer to the teen years also. Keep your chin up, they bring your real child back around 17 to 18 years old. Untill then all you can do is try to keep your sanity while telling her she will receive the respect and kindness that she gives to you. Hope this helps.

Hi T.,

PLEASE don't forget that you are the parent. A couple of things stood out to me: "She says I can't" (with regard to the cell phone) and "She refuses to get off of it." I have several suggestions as you must reassert yourself (she is acting out this way because she can; you simply let her get away with it). For what it's worth, here's my "two cents:"

1. The cell phone gets taken away until she cleans up her act.
2. If and when she gets it back she goes on a plan with the fewest amount of minutes possible (stress that the cell phone is for emergency purposes only). There are providers out there also that offer plans that when you are out of minutes the phone is inoperable until the next billing cycle. She will have to learn that it is no longer acceptable to walk around being disrespectful with a cell phone glued to her ear. Past behavior has shown that, realistically, she is too young to have one.
3. The lock on her bedroom door needs to be removed. While she can shut the door there should NEVER be a time where your child can lock you out. Again, you need to remind her that she will only gain "freedom" when she builds trust and learns respect. In addition, she will gain respect when she gives it.
4. Keep telling her that you are doing this because you love her, despite the fact she won't recognize it now.

I'm curious if she is active in extracurricular activities (sports, clubs, youth groups). The busier you keep her in positive activities the more positive developmental assets she will gain (and the more likely you'll keep her out of trouble). Also, if this behavior came pretty much out of nowhere, try to trace back what changes may have caused it (getting in with a new social crowd, change of school, etc.).

I really hope this helps. Once she knows she can't get away with her poor behavior things should change. You just really have to stick with it and be consistent (it will probably get worse before she flips and gets better).

Oh, and one more thing, she can't "refuse" counseling. Again, she is a minor and you are the parent. Even if she won't talk the first couple of sessions a good counselor will "break" her. I suggest both individual and family counseling!

L. :o) (Huntington Beach mother of 2)

You have to face the facts: You are letting your daughter run your household. You have to remember that you are the parent. You are in charge. Children, even teenagers, want and need limits and discipline (even though they will never admit it). You have to make up your mind about what you will and will not allow; explain to her specifically what is expected; and then institute consequences when she does not do what is expected. You must be consistent for this to work.

It doesn't matter WHO gave her the cell phone. You are the parent. You get to decide whether she is allowed to have it and whether to continue the service for that phone. You, as the parent, have every right to restrict access to or take away cell phones, computers, Ipods, etc. as a consequence for inappropriate behavior. Since she is only 15, she is still dependent on you for her transportation to and from fun activities and for her disposible income. She will also want to obtain her driver's license within the next year or so. She cannot legally do that without your consent. All of these privileges also can be used to encourage her comply with commonsense, appropriate parental requests and expectations.

She needs to understand that families work together and help each other. It doesn't just go one way with you doing all of the giving and her not doing what is expected of her.

You will get all kinds of grief from her, initially. "I hate you. You're the worst parent ever. You're so stupid. You just don't understand. It's my life, I can do what I want. You can't make me....etc., etc.," You have to put your reactions to these statements aside and hold your ground. It is hard. No question. But as the parent, you DO know what is best for your child, and it is your job to do it.

At the same time, she needs a little special attention. Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen are hard ages for girls. If possible, get someone to watch your little one (maybe trade baby-sitting with another mom you know from work, temple, church, or the neighborhood), and just do some "girl things" with your teenage daughter: shopping, lunch, manicures, pedicures, go to a movie together.....anything to spend some one on one time with her. It's hard, because their behavior at this time doesn't really make you want to spend more time with them, but it is soooo necessary. Keep doing it, even if she acts like she doesn't want to or says she doesn't want to.

You have to make her understand with your words and your actions that you will never give up on her and will never lower your expectations for her.

There is a great book called "Back in Control: How to Get Your Children to Behave" by Gregory Bodenhamer. It's short, to the point, and very helpful.

It is not easy to parent teenage children in these times. It probably never has been. But it is our job to do it, regardless. Keep at it; stay firm in your beliefs, and she will eventually come around to what is expected. Good Luck!

Hi, Wendy,
Yeah, teenagers are tough!! I have a 16 year old daughter and a 17 year old son!! My daughter tends to want to listen to the ipod and text a little too much for my taste. My rule is when she is with me, no ipods or phones or texting!! It's our time to talk and communicate!! Your daughter sounds like she is rebelling a little, do u know the guy she is talking too!! Make sure u know who he is and how much is realy going on with the relationship! When my kids tell me they are going to be somewhere, or are with a certain person, I will randomly show up, so they know I am always on lookout!! I think that just making sure you set rules and bounderies are important, always follow through with your panishments and sometimes having them earn it back by actually doing something is very rewarding as well!! My son wasn't doing his part, so everything came out of his room, the bed, the door and got it back as he showed his willingness to participate in his efforts!! Good Luck

V.

Hi T.,

Wow, what have we gotten ourselves into? This cellphone, ipod, emailing society is mentally agitating at best. I think the first thing I would do is simplify her life. Make a chart or even just a list of acceptable behavior and present it to her in a family meeting. Family meetings on a schedule would help to connect weekly to see where she is and let her know what your week looks like, too. Give her specific times when being on the phone is acceptable. Allow her to use the iPod for so many hours a day and then it is off, in your possession. When on family outings, the phone stays in the car, maybe the iPod too if it is inappropriate to use it where you are, like at dinner. As far as the home sterio, there should be an agreed apon volume that is acceptable and if she raises it above, you take possesion of the sterio. I think that the lock on her door goes imediately. You can put one of those child safety knobs on her room to keep little sister from going in, but you should be able to knock and walk it at anytime. If she is playing her sterio too loud, you don't knock, you just walk in and turn it down. If you are not sure it it is above the agreed apon level, knock. I think that if she were living in an apartment she would have to conform to some rules or get evicted, so you are training her to be a respectful human. You know what that looks like, so mold her. The best way to communicate to her is by relating to her, so while you are laying down the law, relate to her what you are changing about her current behaviour and why it is benificial for her to obide certain rules. This might all be way to structured for you and even me, but if you put some of these things to the test, I believe you might be suprized how things shape up.

**Deleted myself**

God Bless You and Yours. I will pray for you daily!!

Huggles!!
~S.~

Sounds a lot like my older sister when she was that age. I don't remember a whole lot of what my mom did to deal with her, but I do remember her door being taken away. That's right, my mom took her bedroom door off of the hinges. It was quite effective. She didn't get her door (her privacy) back until she stopped being, well, the way she was being.

Wendy,

As a mother of 3 son's, now out of the teen years, in other words having lived to tell about it thus far, lol... the best advice I can give you at this point is to remember there comes a time for "tough" love and for you to firmly establish yourself as the adult and the parent. It doesn't really matter if your daughter likes your decisions, or you, for that matter, what matters is whether she is learning the life skills that are going to allow her to succeed in life, and you as her parent are charged with the duty of imparting these lessons to her. You know what she needs to learn, you know how she needs to behave and it is up to you to set the limits and the consequences and then to firmly and more importantly consistently see to it that these are enforced. She cannot be on the computer, blaring the speakers of her stereo, have her i-pod stuck in her ears or talking on her cell phone unless you provide her with these items and continue to let her use these priveledges that should be "earned" by respectful, responsible behaviour.... get my drift. Believe me I know how difficult and heart wrenching it can be, and to be truthful you are probably in as much need, if not more need of counseling to help you be strong enough to withstand the acting out that trying to rein her back is going to cause. This is the voice of experience talking here, and is from someone who given the opportunity to "do it again" would have become much better at tough love, much sooner in the lives of my kids. It has all turned out good, but much heartache could have been avoided I believe. My problems were a bit different, but I believe that most all problems with teens tend to stem from very similiar psychological needs as they try to establish their independence. If you would like a little moral support I would be glad to hear from you. I will send you my personal email address.

Wendy,

Who are you her friend or her mother? Set the rules for her. She is still a child. Set appropriate consequences and stick to them. In the mean time good job, on praising the good things. Keep doing it, and sprinkle it with what behavior you do expect. Last, make sure you monitor her choices of entertainment, i.e. approve what she is listening to, who she is speaking with and definately what ahe is looking at on the internet! This is a difficult road, but one you must take, remember garbage in garbage out.

You can do it!
J.

Wendy,

I first want you to know that your'e daughter has in fact been erplaced by an alien as have all of our teenagers. Just remember that they are going through a crazy time with body and hormone changes. That being said, there are still limits that she needs to respect. Kids are always testing us and we have to find ways to set new boundaries. As far as her ignoring you and going to her room to talk on the phone and "refusing" to go to counseling, I didn't realize that she had a choice. I think it's time for some tough love. There are a lot of things you can take from her such as the phone, computer, ipod etc. You still pay the bills in the house and she is just a guest. If she's rude and disrespectful take her bedroom door off of the hinges, teenagers love their privacy. You need to stand up to her and let her know whose boss.

As much as your daughter is acting like she doesnt want anything to do with you or what you say, the truth is she desperatly wants your attention and time and feels this new baby has taken you away from her. I have a 15 year old and what i try and do once a month is set up a mommy and me day, where we go shopping hang out together go to lunch,and just spend the day together her and I.

You have a teenasger...probably an angry teenager. I am a grandmother now...I had a daughter like yours and didnt know how to deal with it, I tried to work it out on my own for the most part...big mistake....Now I realize I didnt know how to stick to my guns...I felt bad taking anything away...I had trouble following thru. She was angry and it
turned out she was bi-polar. Life was hell... she did end up
on drugs, back and forth, but would not take medication for bi-polar...today, shes 35 , out there again and Im raising her 4 daughters. The oldest, 16 had started the nightmare all over again...but this time I cut it off at the pass...
these grandchildren have every reason to be angy at their parents and it took alot of counseling to get them to understand not to take it out on us.

You must get help....take all those things that she takes for granted away. Tell her every day, several times that
you love her . Being disrespeftful and rude is not acceptable under any circumstance. Is she angry about the baby??? Do you make her babysit???? Talk to her. You could certainly use her help...Im sure...she needs to know your all one the same team. Take her stuff and don't return any of them till you get some cooperation. Go to councling without her to start if you have to. I hate to say it, but
sometimes kids think the whole world owes them. Some kids are angry with their parents cause some parents dont spend enough time with them, work too much and treat their kids like excess baggage...that parent can expect an angry kid.

Its like you have to go back to square one. How are her grades?? I actually put the breaks on the 16 year old when it came to dating...she wanted to, but once she started to date it seemed like there was too much pressure on her, her grades came down. It seemed she was trying to balance too many things, it was a relief to her to be told (she was 15 then) that she was not ready to date. We went back to counseling and she was forced to take her time and being she was bi-polar and ADHD she had been steady on medication and her grades went up, her anger subsided, and she started to feel really good about herself. She eventually started to date. We have had some bad days but now she is verbal, she had to learn to communicate ...coinseling helped her...she had 2 therapist before she got one she could really talk to.

Don't expect her to out grow it...being rude becomes a bad habit and she will no doubt have trouble with teachers, coworkers, bosses etc. Get some help...for yourself ...so you can handle it better if your daughter choses to keep
on the same path. One of the last things we did cause we
thought it would be easier to jump off a bridge than go thru this...we strted going to a church that had a good youth program. The kids were not too keen on it at first but now they like it and we met alot of people that were a great support to us. Good luck.

My brother was having similar problems with his son. As soon as he says anything disrespectful, his cell phone is taken away for the day. ONLY for the day. If you ground them from everything, you don't have anything left to work with. I don't understand the problem regarding your brother and the phone. Don't allow her to manipulate you--he's another adult in her life, and she needs to understand that you are in agreement. Of course you can't handle the phone issue without his backup, short of saying she can't have the gift. If she won't get off the phone or give it to you, have your brother call the company and have it cut off. Same with the I-Pod. Take the lock off her door. A child shouldn't have a lock on their bedroom door.

Re. the counseling, what do you mean she refused? You're the parent--don't give her the option of refusing.

I'm sorry you're going through it! I can see some of it coming myself with my 9 year old. That said, I've also watched my friends have trouble with their teenagers and, of course, it's much easier standing outside looking in.

My take on it is that she's 15; she can't refuse to go to counseling and it's up to you whether she has a phone or not. You both need to get to counseling so you open up communications. As far as the cell phone - tell her she can think it's being enforced by who ever she wishes, but at the end of the day .... the cell phone is pulled.

Did this start right around the time the baby arrived or starting to interact more?

My guess is she's very mad at you because of the baby. Get a 3rd party to help her talk about it. A couple of friends of mine took their teenage girl and it took a few sessions but she did start to talk.

Good luck!

Wendy, I feel your pain. It's almost like someone came in and switched her. I often find myself asking, where is the girl I once knew? What happened and where did I lose her?
I know that we are not alone in this because many moms of teenage girls complain of the same thing. How to handle? I'm still battling that one. I pray, I find things to do together so that we can stay a little closer. We just picked a book to start reading together last night. That went well. Find ways to reconnect. Stay true to your words when you ay you're going to do something, follow through. Best of luck and know that you are not alone.

J.

Hi Wendy, I don't have any experience with this sort of thing from a parents perspective, I'm only 26 and my daughter is 2, but I'll tell you what my parents did with me at that age. I was similiar, minus the cell phone and ipod, but with the computer and home phone and the disrespect issues, i went through the same issues until my parents just had enough. You are going to have to put your foot down and be firm and let her know that you mean what you say when you decide what action you're going to take on this issue. When I was her age and my parents felt like they were losing control of me, so my Dad made a contract. It was about 15 pages long and I'm sure it took a lot of time and effort to put together but it listed in sections actions and behaviors that resulted in consequences. The consequences were numbered 1-5, 1 being the most lenient and 5 being the most severe, and for every action or behavior there was an assigned consequence. I had to sign (I didn't want to, but they made me) it and my parents signed it also so signify that we all had an understanding (not agreement, but understanding). I thought it was really stupid at the time but now that I look back on it, I'm glad they did it, I might not be where I am today if it wasn't for their persistance, concern, and love. It was tough but it worked for me and I wasn't headed in the best direction. I thank my parents for what they did now that I'm older and I know how my life could have turned out, I understand why they did what they did. Just try to be consistant with what you do and don't give in, she needs to to know that you are the authority figure. There may be some security issues going on also, just because children get older doesn't mean that they don't need that sense of security and we all know that the teenage years can be some of the most insecure whether it stems from home or from somewhere else. Good luck with whatever you decide to do and I hope everything works out for you and your family.
K. H

I have a 6 month old at home, but my advice is from me remebering the teen years and my single mom. She actually gave me a book that she used w/ me called "How to talk to your kids so they will listen, and how to listen so your kids will talk" She used this daily with me and it worked. Yeah, I was a teenager and I am sure I had my days of disrespect, but not quite to that extent that your daughter seems to be doing (at least that's the way I remember it.....my mom might think different; ) Anyway, I hope this book helps. It's not very long and it's an easy read with lots of examples on how to talk to her. Good luck, I hope things work out for you!

Hi T.,

Try to get her involved in something positive. If you are paying for the cell phone, turn it off so she is not able to take advantage of the privelage that you have given her. Find out what interests her and seek out an alternative to what she is doing now. We can't force teenagers to make good decisions because teenagers "know it all" (I remember when I was a teenager, I knew EVERYTHING"). But as parents, we teach by example and we can guide and help them make good decisions.

Hope this helps.

Jeannie

insist on counseling. Not her choice

Dear Wendy, I feel your helplessness. I, too, have gone through and still am going through hard times with my daughter. She is now 18 1/2. When she was about 15 1/2, she started pulling away from me and defying me on just about every decision. She didn't think my rules mattered one bit, even when her choices created grief and bad habits. For about two years, asking her a question was virtually impossible. I was always made to feel like I had no business whatsoever questioning her or telling her what to do. She said she didn't want me to be involved with her school activities, her friends, her dating issues, her problems, etc. But I persisted. She, too, is a wonderful person and very talented, and she has been raised in a safe and loving environment, but she just doesn't want anything to do with me, unless it meets her agenda. The pain has been, at times, unbearable. I never, ever, would have thought that I'd cry myself to sleep as often as I have, over my daughter. I work part time and have spent quite a sum of money on her during her teenage years. What makes it really difficult for me to grasp, is that I was one of 9 children, and we didn't ask for very much. We also had strict rules and our share of responsibility. I knew I was going to do things different than my parents, but I didn't expect my "better" parenting to backfire on me! Of course, she doesn't consider herself "spoiled," but she has been. Children today want so much more than we did at their age, and they want it handed to them, no strings attached. They can't wait for it, and it doesn't need to be earned. We parents, especially mothers, are "expected" to provide their every desire, somehow we are inadequate moms if we don't or can't. The dicotomy is, that while they want a loving, caring, safe, and nurturing home, with meals, cell phones, televisions and rooms of their own, they don't know they really do "have it all." The emptiness or "void" within them, is our fault. They can't see what they have because they never have enough. This dominates any reasoning or rationale. If we aren't capable of running circles around them (because "we chose to have them") and we aren't capable of making non-stop donations, well, then, we couldn't possibly be capable of understanding them or helping them in any other way. It truly is a mother's heartbreak. And how you have managed on your own is phenomenal.
The good news? After they graduate, reality does set in. They realize the choices are up to them, and maybe they should apply some of the things you taught them. Believe me, your words are floating somewhere in the back of her mind. I do remember though, the many times, even recently, I held my daughter in my arms, despite her crying and pulling away as if I had the plague, and reaffirming how much I love her and that "I" am not the enemy. I never "threw in the towel," either. She always knew my stand and that I would be held accountable for the job I was given to do, as she is also... and then I relish any kind word or action that she musters. They really do need to "find themselves," and while we promote responsibility, civility and productivity, we also need to promote confidence in them. They seem to be so much more insecure than we were, and that's hard to imagine. Until we have a magic wand, we just keep learning and doing all we can to get through, and hopefully improve, the situation. Stay firm on your rules, despite her ignorance of them. Let her know you will always listen to what she has to say and that no one could love her more. There's something about the repetition of these words that somehow blasts through to the heart. Also, you have a toddler in the house. You don't want her to pick up on the negativity of your 15 1/2 year old. Yes, the second will gain from your current experiences, but she will be her own individual, with her own needs. Be careful not to assume a role for her. I hated that everthing I heard or read only said how much babies and young children needed their mothers,(the "early" years), when in fact, they need us just as much, if not more, during the teenage years. The fact that you feel like you're in Heaven when they are young and Hell when they are older, might be a reason the information isn't more accurate. She will let you feel awful for the things you do, JUST BECAUSE SHE CAN. Pretty soon she will be driving, and that is the scariest time of all. I held off on a license for my daughter until she was 17. My son will be the same. This made a big difference in her responsibility. Of course, she doesn't always act on my words of wisdom, at least, not for me to see. But I know, my daughter is coming around, despite my input and admonishons. I look forward to her respect and true love someday soon. I see glimmers of it beginning to show. Please, don't feel less of a mother because you don't see it now. You are not alone. We are in the majority. I also have seen medical research showing what happens to a teenage brain. Don't laugh, I am in the medical profession and it makes sense. It is baffling, but it makes sense. I supply my daughter with vitamin B complex for starters. Absolutely NO MEDICATION! Just good old vitamins and minerals work wonders. Knowing we can't, nor shouldn't, keep them in a glass bubble, I think I have to relinquish a bit of my burden now. Stay firm on your rules, let your daughter know that "disrespect" is not an option under your roof, and most of all, turn to God for His protection over her and His peace and guidance for you. I know He sends angels to intercede. My daughter recently experienced that very thing happening in her life, and she actually acknowledged it. They are in His hands. You'll be in my prayers, Wendy. You're not alone.

I see you have received many responses...I didn't get a chance to read them all, but my input is that you start listening to the "Dr. Laura" show on the radio and put a call into her...she will definitely set you straight! She is on daily at noontime, KFI640am. Believe me, you'll learn a LOT, just from her responses to others...good luck!

I have heard how difficult it is to have teens. I have a 8 and 5 year old, girl & boy. I was a difficult teen, my mom was single, working. I wish she had taken away priviledges and made more rules for me, and had higher expectations. I think teens need a lot of attention, and need to accounted for. I would take the phone, idpod all of it away until she can handle them in a way you find acceptable. Can you get her to work around the house to earn it back, I would keep the items in a special place everynight, so she is not on them all night. You will have to find a replacement for her, a group study to go to, music class, art class, anything, acting, basketball, just stick her in it. Take some control of your situation now.

Dear T. B

I am going to be rude the first couple of sentences so skip this paragraph if you don't like it. Your daughter is not just rude she is saddled with a parent without a back bone and she knows it. Pardon me but really who is the parent anyway.

A little tough love is what's needed here and if you can't do the really hard tough love which is take everything, except clothes and mattress, out of her room and store it till she earns it back one piece of your choice at a time then try removing an item of your choice (I would start with the phone and remove long distance service from your house phone.) for each offense. This is your house, your rules and your children any stuff she has is a privledge not a right even stuff from other people after all you wouldn't let her keep a movie from a friend that was rated x because it was a gift, or let her keep a shirt from a friend that is too sexy would you? Hang the muscian thing up, that is your thing and if it is hers it should be the first to go and the last to return, also all that says is that as long as it is something you like she can have it (ipod and music) that means there is wiggle room for manipulating in a different way. By the way a little hurt right now won't destroy your relationship permanantly I know I am a survivor of two teenagers one of which learned the tough love way who was in charge till he turned 18. I escorted him to each of his classes the next day after he ditched, he never ditched again. I took everything out of his room and it took three months to earn it all back one thing at a time starting with furniture, his precious computor was last. I let him go out only if he did something significant around the house that helped the family. He couldn't have friends over unless the house was clean; which means he had to help me. You get it. Make-up for girls is the also a good thing to take away can you imagine the cooperation you will get if she has to earn that back. Hey why does your teenager have a lock on her door, please remove it, it's a saftey hazard, or the door to make a point.

Teens are all over the map with there brain and body they have no anchor so they think, they are trying to find there own values and ethics; which won't be similar to yours, maybe, till they are older and believe me they won't forget how they were raised. I am proud of both my boys for being wonderful young men. My tough love son said I should have been tougher, go figure. By the way all I heard the first half of his teen years was "I can't wait to get out of here," by the time he was 17 he was saying "I'm not stupid I am staying with my parents as long as I can to save money." He stayed and attended college (a condition of staying) till he was 24. My house, my rules and my expectations.

This phase passes it takes awhile and you get a lot of cracks in your heart but it is worth it. Remember what is important to you is not going to be important to her unless it directly affects her and her interest. By the way if you say counciling she does not get a choice, she goes, if she doesn't like it she has to cooperate to stop it.

I love my children too, K.

P.S. I would look into that guy in L.A. I don't know how she met him but it sounds pretty suspicious to me especially since he has a strong enough hold on her to be rude to you and ignore your parental edicts. I would tell him using your daughter's cell phone that you are having him investigated for child endangerment and them follow through. The police have a reverse phone number location system you can get his address and send a letter to his parents informing them of his behavior that is if he is still young enough to have parents.

wow i have a 16yr old little sister that does the same thing. what her parents did with her cell was put it on a pre paid plan so when her minutes were up for the month oh well she would have to wait till its time to pay the bill. unfortuantly it doesnt seem that anything gets through to them at this age. they are stuggling so hard to find their place and just fit in. im sure you have set rules that you dont budge on and thats good. my little sister only acts out like that to her mom and dad (my mom was a serogant so she is my 1/2 sister). she knows better to do it with me because i dont tolerate it. i believe that she is a good kid and just needs a little more guidence! so keep trying because you dont want to loose the control battle to a 15yr (my sisters mom and dad have already lost that and theres not much they can say or do to control her) just stay consistant and good luck!

That is a huge difference in ages which could be part of the problem but the biggest problem is that she is at the tail end of puberty right now. My mother always told me that boys are difficult when they are young and girls are a breeze but once you hit the teens it flip flops. Of course the way we are in society at this point doesn't help in regards to technology. From an outside prospective I can see her being a bit resentful of her baby sister too. You are in a tough situation being a single mom without any support with money or correction. I would have suggested just thrown out counseling as a fixer but I see that she has refused (if she only knew how much it could help her relate to you and not feel like you were trying to "fix" her). On that note I would suggest another go at the counseling but you have to tell her that you just want to understand how she feels so you can have a mutual respect and reiterate that you know she isn't a bad person but you want to have a positive relationship with her. She's 15 and not stupid but her teen angst tells her that you are the enemy. The biggest thing you can do is try to relate to her and her feelings because those feelings are very valid to her in her young age. She has no concept of the world outside of teenager but you will need to bridge that gap and validate her feelings. Babies are nothing like teens and you are doing both…so I have to give you kudos for that difficult feat. I wish you all the best and hope that relating and validating will help you.

just a thought, but do you and your oldest daughter get anytime together by yourselves, or is the little one always there with you? She had your un-devided attention for 13 years? She might want a few hours just you and her. I think it might be time to get a sitter, and have a mommy daughter bonding day. It wont get better right away because teenagers are rude, but it can't hurt knowing that the baby did not take you away, just keeps you busy. I would keep trying on the counseling issue. It can't hurt. Its good for teenagers to talk to adults about how much they hate their parents, not just their friends.

Check out Parenting with LOve and Logic. YOu could probably just do a google search and you will find their website. They have invaulable info about raising responsible, respectful kids. They use natural consequences. SOunds like your daughter is pushing your boudaries to see what the limits are.
Good luck.
Sara

Welcome to the teen mom club! From what I'm hearing, most of us are going through some range of this behavior. This doesn't mean of course, that we have to put up with it! The first thing I would do is take the lock off of the door. Yes, teens need privacy, but locking the door is a bit extreme. I fully support you in the "grounding" of electronic devices if a teen doesn't show responsibility in handling them. If we, as parents, don't enforce good behavior, then who can we expect to later on in life? (As a teacher of at-risk teens, I see the consequences of parents not enforcing mature actions. Finally, it can end up with the teen pushing the limits until they are finally caught by the law, etc.) Teens need to know that there are consequences to actions; in fact, they actually need this. In talking to my students (yes, they are a great resource) about how to raise my own teenage daughter, I hear a lot of this same thing. They wish that their parents would have kept a closer watch on them and not let them get away with everything. I think our job as parents is to create responsible, respectful adults-not worry about being their best friend and enable.

If you want counseling, just pick her up and take her. She may not be all that cooperative-that's her choice-but she doesn't have the choice of refusing you to go. You are the parent. If you want her to go, take her. ( Or at least, go to the counselor yourself and get her feedback. Very rarely do people who need counseling actually volunteer to go. ) Why would you let her decide? Again, you are the parent!

A last thought: So what does it matter who gave her the phone? She lives in your house, is not yet 18, and you pay the bills. If she wants to pull that angle that you didn't give her the phone, acknowledge that's she's right and she is free to use the phone how she wants at your 1/2 brother's house! Good luck! . . .and we will all get through this stage!

PS. It sounds like you are doing a good job. If people come up with "maybe the teen feels neglected because of the 2 year old-don't buy into it! You shouldn't feel guilty-this is typical teen challenging parent behavior no matter what family circumstances exxist

It's her friends that are influencing her. The more you put them down the more she will fight against you. Go spend the day together with no cell phones. Try and talk to her one on one about your concerns and how she makes you feel. But Don't say anything nagative about her friends, she needs to see that they have changed her. Remind her of the great things you use to see in her and how you miss it. You don't want this to end bad or mad at each other. So when you see this changing to fighting or hurtful feelings stop and change the subject. Try again on a later day. She needs to know that you are on her side and understand what she is going through. Right now she needs a good friend not an angry parent, if you are just the angry parent you are pushing her straight into the bad friends.

It's funny how you get people to just be a friend only to their kids and then you get the ones that say your the parent act like one, your kids have enough friends. I believe there is a time and place for everything. This is one of them. She needs you to understand what she is going through and that you are their when her world falls apart.

I'm not saying don't punish her for bad behavior. But think more about punishments are they working or are they simply pushing her further away. Is there something else that might work better? Bottom line you want her to know that your there for her and that you miss the old her. But that might be awhile. Also remember that there is a line drawn and when she hits it you no longer have to deal with it. It should never come to you being afraid for your life. They have those boot camps where they yell at your kids all day and scare them to death. But when the law gets involved and she wants to leave, let her. She'll find it's the same or worse and you don't need that around your younger daughter. Good Luck ! I hope this gets under control before it gets that bad. J.

Who is the parent and who is the child? Once she brings possessions into your home, you have jurisdiction! You need to regain control of your 15 year old or nothing good will come. She has lost respect for you and knows you will buckle. Just realize that she also might not feel particularly safe as you have allowed her to take control. Children really want parents with boundaries; that is how they feel safe and learn how to trust. Be the parent she needs and enforce house rules!

Hi, I am a single mother of an 18 year old. We went through some attitude problems earlier, and pretty much came out ok. She is a good student, an athlete and I am often told I did a good job. But it wasn't always easy.

I agree with a lot of others who responded. You need to be tough. My first thought was take the lock of the door. And I agree with her losing her privileges when she is disrespectful and doesn't follow rules. I don't need to repeat all that.

But she needs the other side too. One a the best pieces of advice I got was to "catch" her being good 4 times to each 1 time she get caught misbehaving. Remember children want attention, and attention for being bad is better than no attention. And praising her encourages the behavior you want.

Do make time for her without the baby. Lunches, shopping, pedicures and manicures, walks in places you like, ice cream cones, what ever the two of you like. Find things that bring you together, no phones during your time, for either of you. Focus on fun and her during this time.

Basically it's the carrot and the stick. They work better together than either one by themselves.

Best of luck to you.

I have one too! Teenagers should be put in a cage at 13 and let out at 17!:) Here are my suggestions. Take away the computer, phone, stereo etc...until she can show that she can use them responsibly. When I say take them away, I mean unplug them and put them in a box. If the computer is needed for other family members, the unplug the keyboard and plug it back in when you need it. I have taken the keyboard with me when i leave the house. Let her know that you want to treat her adult (this usually works because they think we are not looking at them like they are a child even though they still are) but she needs to show you that she is mature enough to handle it. talk to her about being 18 in a few years and your concerns that she has no respect for anything or anyone. Have you told her that it embarrasses you? Also explain to her that she needs to be a role model for her younger sibling. Force her to spend time with her and she will find that she gets a kick and a good laugh out of her little sister. This is all normal and she will be a different child in another year or two. Hang in there!

I can't imagine raising children without a partner. I'm exhausted with the discipline even with my husband's help. But, you are the parent and you must decide what's best for your daughter. You aren't friends; you are her parent.
Set up rules with her: x number of minutes on the cell phone, the volume on the stereo may not exceed a certain number, x number of minutes on the computer (which should always be supervised by you), etc.
You are the parent and you must decide. Of course she will resist, but you need to give her safe parameters in which to live.
She will have respect for you if you set up limits. She might not acknowledge it for many, many years, but it's true.
Do yourself a favor and be a strong parent, not a friend.

I know it's not easy, but that's what it means to be a parent. As a former teacher, I've seen the outcome of children who aren't given consistent limits: lots of problems with self-esteem and making poor choices in life.

Good luck and be strong

Oh I feel the pain you must be experiencing! Your daughter may look, act, and sound like she has grown up, but inside her is still a scared kid, trying not to show it. We act tough to cover up our inadequacy. Has something happened in the last year with you that also affects your daughter? Are you giving her freedoms beyond her ability to manage? You ARE the adult with experience. You HAVE the credentials to make the decisions. She NEEDS you emotionally and physically! Sit down and straight talk with her when you are both calm. Ask her what you mean to her and let her know how much she means to you. Ask her what she sees in her future, if her behavior patters persist. Share how you struggled as a teen. Identify SOME of your mistakes, and their effect. Show why you want what is truly in her best interest. Set up more "dates" with her to discuss things related to her activities and yours. Make them fun and INSIST on them. Share with her your own fears. Be courageous but real. In the end though, DETERMINE that YOU MUST ultimately be the one in charge. Write up a contract that is signed by you both. Be fair and balanced, and keep it simple, basic. Lay out what importan character qualities both you and your daughter expect to build in her. Let her decide with you what those should be and why. Make a list of responsibilities and what will occur with compliance or defiance regarding them. The action plan must be realistic and tangible, where SHE and YOU know exactly what to expect as regards your objectives. Positive and negative responses, both should correspond "in kind" to her decisions. Both need to be meaningful. If a reward, it should satisfy. If discipline, it must sufficiently infringe on her freedom long enough to be truly undesirable! Engage her in this "job" of growing up. It's tough and it requires a dedicated tender hearted, firm yet empathic adult who WILL find a way to mediate no matter what! How about your spiritual life and faith, are you connected to your creator? Do you participate in a church that worships, and teaches grace along with God's disciplines?

Hi Wendy,
First of all,my two are still very little, so God help me when they reach the teenage years...My heart is telling me to draw her close(to you) in any way possible(which I'm sure you already are trying to do)... a special lunch together and or shopping together, get into her world any way you can... then when you can, have a tender, gentle talk with her(on her level) about your feelings too. I believe it will get better(her lack of respect)... Remember she is in teenager land but she needs special one on one with you too...try to make it a "fun thing for you both" It will get better....M.

I'm 49, the mother of three and granny to one....wicked stepmother to two. My youngest is 17. so, teens really suck, i can say this from experience!!!! take her phone, give it back to her brother, and get her one yourself. if she continues to be rude everywhere you go, don't take her with you. and when she misbehaves, take her phone. It's your's, after all. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you will not now or ever tolerate disrespect from her or any of her friends. AND THEN STICK TO IT!!! Teens love to push your buttons, so the calmer you react to her antics the better, even though it gets really tough to do most of the time. Just remember that you're the mom...and NEVER let her forget it!!

Wendi, Wow! It sounds like your daughter took lessons from my daughter. I can relate! I have a son who is 10yrs younger that my youngest daughter. She began having similar behavior at about that age (she is now 18 and moving out soon). I'd like to say it gets better--we have our good days but since she is 18, she "thinks" she can do whatever she wants like no curfew. In the mean time (since your dd is only 15, you MUST put your foot down and stay FIRM, CONSISTENT, and trust me--"we" as parents can lay down the rules but you have to remain strong. My famous line is "this is MY house" so she goes by my rules. First, I suggest you don't make it a "battle" with her. Always try negotiating-- Have you tried sitting down and having a heart to heart talk with her?? Let her know your concerns, how you feel when she is disrespectful, the example it sets for your younger one, etc. Remind her that you love HER but that you do not like her behavior. They're separate issues. Also let her know that there are rules in the home/family (the golden rule) to treat others as you would want to be treated. If she does not comply then she will be very unhappy with the consequences--and that will be "HER CHOICE." Just a few "consequences" or things to take away that had amazing results for us-- the phone of course, but a really "big one"--once we took away her makeup!! Wow, did she change her tune fast (after she got over being angry). If she wants private alone time in her room that's okay BUT when she would lock her door (which is not allowed) to keep me out or behave very badly, swear and then slam doors, disobey, etc--once I removed her door off the hinges!! She sure thought twice the next time. Things are better now cause she has learned to not make trouble, to respect our rules and by all means she (mostly) is no longer disrespectful to me--she now knows that I will not tolerate that behavior. She also knows I love her but I will be treated with consideration and respect--and I give her the same. GOOD LUCK!!

P.S. By the way--another reader replied to you and said "give them the silent treatment." I strongly diagree with that! (Anyone else out there??) We are the adults, we should act like adults--after all, we should be teaching COMMUNICATION, not "shutting down" when we don't like it, or get what we want. Sorry, but that sounds like getting down on the child's level to me.

Hi T.,

I think today's teenagers are so spoiled with all of the technology available. Maybe if you took some of her "toys" away, like you would a toddler, she'll learn that you mean business. On the positive end, maybe she needs some individual attention, without the toddler, for a day of bonding. I'm sure it's also got to do with the hormones! I just thought I'd mention a couple of thoughts. This will pass, and I'm sure your daughter will turn out fine. And don't forget to believe in karma! It really does work in mysterious ways!.....

Good luck,
M.

It's no surprise a baby is easier than a teenager but it sounds like you're forgetting you're the parent. You need to set realistic rules for her to follow and stick to them. The cell phone needs to go if she's rude. The lock on the door needs to go. Why are you allowing her to "refuse" counciling?? She sounds like she's beyond "testing the waters" to see how much you'll allow. Stop giving in and making excuses for her and take control of this young lady. I raised 4 son's, with the help of their dad, and the teenage years are a real challenge. Love her and praise her for the good things she does but please teach her to be responsible, follow rules and suffer the consequences when she doesn't.

Dear T....
I think your teenager needs a good ole' kick in the pants! I'm a year older then you and as my children were "mutating" into teenagers, I told myself that I wasn't going into those years with these types of issues. I divorced their father as both my children were getting into teenage years. My son, the oldest, was the easiest to raise, never gave me problems. My daughter, the youngest, had a difficult time dealing with the divorce and feeling that she is not "Daddy's little princess".

So, how would you handle many of these types of situations? For me, I made her give up all the things she loved, music, phone, etc. I restricted her from social interactions, and if she thought going to her father's was a way out, he respected my discipline and did the same in his house. I DID NOT return the items until we talked things out and we had an understanding, boundries, and respect. Once I felt she has shown me respect, then little at a time her items were returned, with the understanding that it can be taken away at any time and there is no next time. ALSO, if she "acted up" again, she got one reminder: that she is the child and I am her mother! That was my warning to her along with the "LOOK". On the subject of counseling, I whole-heartedly agree, GO TO COUNSELING AS A FAMILY. If she doesn't want to go, it doesn't matter. What she wants and what she thinks is good for her is irrelevant, YOU ARE HER MOTHER! No ifs, ands or buts!! FOLLOW THROUGH IS IMPORTANT and as her mother DON'T ever drop the ball. Show her respect by follow through, mean what you say, do what you mean. Another idea that helped was that we would spend at least an hour each day, usually during a sit down family dinner, talking about our day. No interruptions, no media devices, just pure family time.

T...you must love and have confidence in yourself; show good judgement and your children will see and respect you. Give each other space when needed, but she must respect you and others as that is important as she goes through her life. You can discipline her loving but with a strong will. We call it loving discipline. Again, if all else fails, a good ole' kick in the pants should work, hahahahah!!

TA

Hi Wendy,

I'm the mom of a 2.5 and 5 year old so I have no real experience with this situation. It sure sounds like you have your hands full.

The thought that came to my mind was at 15, I assume it is you who's paying for your daughters many privileges (cell phone, ipod, computer, etc...) I would suggest trying to have a conversation with you daughter explaining that her behavior with these items isn't acceptable and maybe give some examples. Before laying out a list of rules ask her what she thinks the rules for using these items should be. This might help you get her buy it if you make her accountable. Then agree on some consequences together.

I can only imagine how hard it must be being a single mother. I also agree that you both should get some counciling. If it is impossible to get her to go, you should try to go yourself. If I were you I would tell her I wished she would go, but because you are worried about her and your relationship you have chosen to go by yourself to see what you might learn. Good luck and keep trying!

Hi Wendy,
It sounds to me like your daughter is jealous of her sister and feels you are taking time away from her.
I BET SHE COULD USE A FATHER FIGURE IN HER LIFE RIGHT NOW.
Have you thought about couseling?

Hi T.,

I just want to say that I have read alot of the responses you have recieved and some were more harsh than helpful. I do agree that you do need to get tougher but I just want to remind everyone that you are coming to them for help. You know what your doing now isn't working and your asking for help to change that. I don't have a teenager yet (i have a few more years to go and not looking forward to it) and I probably wouldn't know how to handle it either. Kids don't come with instructions and I know your doing the best you can. I just want to let you know that I have the utmost respect for single moms out there trying to work with what life has dished out for them. I'm not a single mom, but I know that it can't be easy. I was raised by a single father and I know it's tough with no help. It's tough with help from my hubby, I can't imagine if I had to do it myself. So just take what you can from alot of the really helpful responses and don't pay to much attention to the one's that are just plain mean. I'm just really glad you asked your question because I think you'll get alot of great ideas from these fab moms on this site. You keep your chin up and just keep on truckin' through. Just think it's will all be over in a few years (well maybe more) but later on you two will have a great relationship and she will tell you she's sorry for the way she was. Just think to the future of how close you two will be when she gets married and has her own child. It's a tough time for you and her both. I feel for you. Were here for you. Good luck. :)

You need to give her some tough love. She lives in YOUR house therefore YOU set the rules. You can't allow her to tell you that something can't be taken away just because you did not buy it for her. Ground her, take the cell phone and I-pod away from her, not just for a week or two, at least 6 months. Give her extra chores around the house. It will not be easy at first, actually it will be very hard, but you must stay firm. Don't argue with her, establish your rules and ignore her. You should make it clear that talking back will not be tolerated.