Need Advice Regarding Defiant 4 Year Old

A., hopefully this is just a short phase for your daughter. If she hasn't always been a defiant child, I would assume this will pass. Maybe there is some under-lying issue at school. Try some role-reversal play with her and see what comes out......she may feel more comfortable talking that way. Has there been any other big changes in her life lately? Maybe that would be affecting her school behavoir. I have a very strong-willed 6 yr old, and I've found extra loving and patience goes a lot further than yelling, time-outs and spankings any day!! Also, dont' threaten to take away or stop doing something that you're not prepared to do. If you say you're going to pull her out of dance, do it, don't just threaten. Once she sees your serious, her behavoir should follow suit. I hope you get this issue worked out soon, I know it isn't any fun. Good luck, with her and baby #2:)
C. G.

Does your daughter know your trying for baby # 2 ? She may be jealous and wanting attention because she's afraid of loosing it when the new baby arrives. Or she may be bored w/ school. Is she more advanced than other 4 year olds?
4 is a rough age, at least w/ my 2 it was. we learn as we go. I have found that just sitting down talking to them and asking them whats wrong, sometimes I'll ask alot of questions until they tell me what was bothering them inside. It would be the craziest things.
Good Luck.

I too have a 4 year old son who thinks he is boss of this house.
We had to set some serious limits...things we didn't have to think of before, like limits on TV time....because of his mouth.
Something we started to do too was to catch him being good, and then praise him until it just got old. The other day we were in Home Depot and a man dopped a ton of change. He was an older man, and couldn't bend down to get it. I sent in my son....and he got all the change (and gave it back - I thought that he wouldn't for a minute:)) I praised him untilt he cows came home, telling him how proud I was of him - that he did the right thing, and his heart should swell with pride....
And that night when he asked for ice cream, like he always does, I told him yes because he helped the man and I am sure he was so grateful.

You could even do a reward chart or give her 'caught you being good cards!'

He is getting better....hang in there and good luck.

I also have a very strong-willed 4 year old. My son is overly defiant, very persistant and intelligent enough to be very good at manupulating people. I had him evaluated through the public school's Early Childhood Development program (free program for preschool kids with developmental delays here in Indiana). He was already in the program for speech therapy and he qualified for the preschool program. He's been going 5 afternoons a week this school year and I've seen a tremendous improvement. Most 4 year olds go through a super-stubborn, defiant stage... but a small percentage (like my son) are actually diagnosed as being strong-willed/defiant enough to make it a developmental delay. If it continues a few more months (we noticed it with out son starting at around 3.5 - more than a year ago) you might think about getting her evaluated.

One big thing that helped us... staying consistent. I thought we were, but after talking with his teacher I realized we weren't. Like you, we "tried everything". That was the problem... we were told to pick something and stick with it for 4-6 months even if it looked like it wasn't doing anything. Finally, after 7 months, something 'clicked' in my son's head and it works! (most the time) Another big thing... always follow through. You said you threatened to take away dance... but did you?! If you didn't, you just set yourself back a few months and have to start from scratch. I've blurted out things I regretted 2 seconds after saying them... because we've had to miss birthday parties, zoo trips, playgroups, etc. However, now - finally! - my son knows I mean what I say and just saying I'll take away the PS2 for a few days will get him to behave. You also have to be consistent with the teachers... I talk to his teacher weekly so we are on the same page about everything.

The other thing is to try to avoid as many battles as possible. If you know she's a bear in the store when tired, time them carefully and bring lots of snacks to pre-empt any tantrums. Let her decide what to wear and whether or not to wear her coat (most kids will put it on when cold enough). Let her think she's getting her way most the time and she's more likely to listen/behave when you need her to (in parking lots, staying off the street, not running off in stores, etc).