Need Advice on How to Better Discipline My Strong Willed Daughter

It seems that taking things away just isn't working. I think Tina's response is a very good way to go. It seems she's looking for a reaction. When she starts to have a tantrum I would also calmly tell her to go to her room and she can come out when she chooses to speak nicely. If she won't go I would calmly walk her to her room. If she comes out and is still screaming send her back until she can calm down. She'll learn very soon that its not as fun to throw tantrums while she's alone in her room. It also gives her a choice - either she can stay in her room and scream or she can be with the rest of the family and be calm. This approach works very well with my nephew who tends to have tantrums. In fact, its worked so well its rare that he has to be sent to his room anymore. Positive Discipline is a very good book to read. Good luck!

We had the same problem with my 5yo.. and it was very much out of character for her. We deduced that she was learning this behavior from a playmate. She's not allowed to play with that girl anymore, and we have our sweet little girl back. (Most of the time!)

Other than that, the discipline advice given below is right on, I think.

Right now you are giving her exactly what she wants...a reaction. At this age, she knows it is unacceptable, but she gets a rise out of you so she keeps doing it. Don't give in to her just because she has a fit. The best way to react to her tantrums is to not react at all. Calmly tell her "I will talk to you about this when you are ready to act your age." or "I can't talk to you when you act like this." Then just walk away. If you are out in public, stop what you are doing, take her hand, and immediately leave. It won't take long for her to get the picture. Just remember, don't give in and don't react.

The BEST book I ever read on discplining a strong willed child (I HAVE ONE!!) is Love and Logic by Dr. Fye. It is a quick read, totally logical and it works :)
They teach Love and Logic in the Des Moines area as an adult ed class if you live here. I took my husband and now we are both on the same page which has helped immensely.

My suggestion, consistency! If you aren't following thru with your threats she'll continue going to the next step of pushing you. One thing that did help us with one of our sons that was always asking for something....we finally started saying YES and then we'd walk off. He'd run to catch up with us in total shock and ask if we really said "yes, you'd buy it for me?" We'd tell him we didn't say that but Yes, he could have it if he had the money, saved his money, brought his money, or whatever else. But yes he could have it, if HE had a way of getting it without us purchasing it for him. After a couple of times of that, he started saying, "I think I'll save my money to get that next time we go shopping." He is 27 now and still tells that lesson to his friends. So he doesn't tell his kids no they can't have something either, he uses his lesson learned. Sometimes one has to just be plain creative :) Sorry to be so long.
God's Blessings

Sorry I am late, just got this email. Anyways, I work with clients who have simler behaviors. What normally works for us with a client, it just to ignore the situation. Don't say she is gonna loose anything, don't tell her to stop, don't say anything at all. Just go about your business and not speak to her. If you are at a store and she acts like this, drop everything and leave. If you have a cart of stuff, leave it and leave the store and go directly home. If it keeps up at home just leave it alone. I know on the way home it may be distracting, but turn the radio up. After a while it will stop. She may even go to her room and do all the screaming, you can even go to your room to relaxe and get a way from her screaming. Try this and see what happenes.

JO

use a timeout or send her to her room and the timeout does not start til she has calmed down. be patient and ignore the shrill little girl whining. if at a store just leave even if you have a cart with things in it. you can always come back. just remember to stick to your guns and let her know you love her but not the bad behavior.

Get connected with a Positive Discipline teacher- a great way to both direct and respect your very special girl. Remeber, too, that tenacity is great trait, but she does need to learn how to direct it.

Peace-

I have a daughter that is 8 going on 30 and have found that being consistent in my discipline is the best way to handle her. No spanking (I dont hit my husband when he gets out of line so why should we hit our kids?!) she is sent to her room with no tv, or grounded from seeing friends for a week, you have to find the thing that she really cares about and take it away. I know that ignoring a child works for a while but what are you telling your child with that? It just tells your kid that she can't talk to you because you are probably not listening! If she frustrates you to the point of a spanking she is getting the better of you,and being bested by an 8 year old just won't do! Walk away. Cool off. Deal with the problem when you are calm, then show her you mean business! You may find out that all she really wanted was a hug from Mom and not really the item that she was screaming about. It took me a long time to realize that the stuff my daughter would get upset about was really a smokescreen for wanting more attention from me, and if all I have to do is sit down and talk to her for 5 minutes and it makes the problem go away then I am more than happy to do it! Good luck with this, I know that they can be frustrating little beasts at times but ultimatley if you managed to go through labor you can deal with anything an 8 year old can throw at you!

My oldest daughter also had a "mind of her own", and she had a tendency to 'coach' her little sister to make matters worse! Her particular manipulation was whining. (somehow they know just which behavior you really can't stand)

I decided to apply "No means no" with a little humor WITHOUT BACKING DOWN. I taught them (at the age of three and one) that you get Nothing for Whining. And I would show them my hand folded up and then open it with nothing in it and say, "Here you go". Soon after, any time I heard whining as a manipulative response, we would immediately LEAVE the premises if it was public (where they hope you will be embarrassed into compliance) and I would say with a big smile, "What do you get for whining?" One of them would almost always answer. "Nothing". And they would get the empty hand. I have no idea why that worked, but we were done with whining in less than 6 months.

The key to the CONSEQUENCE THAT FOLLOWS BAD BEHAVIOR is that you must absolutely follow through. If you promise a spanking, then they should get a spanking. So try to decide AHEAD of time what you're willing to follow through with and then FOLLOW THROUGH no matter what.

You might also try a "Boy's Town" technique (these have been created to deal with the most difficult of misbehaving boys up to about age 12.) The first step is to say: Right now you are (describe their behavior) for example: Right now you are raising your voice to get such and such after I've said no. A better choice would be (describe the better way to behave and if possible to get what they want at a more appropriate time)
So the whole thing might be: "Right now you are raising your voice to get such and such after I've said no. A better choice would be to ask me WHEN can I have or do such and such. YOU determine what the acceptable redirected behavior is for the offense at that moment.

Finally, the pre-emptive strike. Minimize your daughter's opportunity to disagree with you by finding a way to say Yes. Even if you have to say, "Sure, honey, when you're 16." No is pretty hard to hear, and it would shock most adults to realize how often they actually hear it from adults.

Hope one or more of these is helpful!

Hi V.,

I'm a teacher in Casper with a two-year-old son. I might be able to help you with this problem if you answer a few questions. Does your daughter continue this behavior at school or is it just an "at home" problem. Does she do it in public? Have you tried anything else besides spanking like time out or some positive discipline like rewarding her when she is behaving the right way?