Is It Still "Normal" for an Almost 6-Yo to Be Having Screaming Tantrums?

My son has Aspergers/ADHD so it's normal for him. Since he has a diagnosis, I don't worry as much what other people will say. When we are out shopping and he has a tantrum, we either leave the store, I put him in the shopping cart for a time out, or I repeat back to him(and any bystanders) a summary of the situation. "I know that you like electronics, but we came here to shop for paint". Sometimes for shoes and socks, we will just bring them along in the car and deal with them later. The worst problems are always at bedtime when he is less able to think of a solution to a problem or follow directions. I don't do it often, but at that point sometimes a spanking will snap him out of it.
Two books that helped me are The Explosive Child and Quirky Kids.

I can't really tell you what is normal, but I do have a 6 yo girl and she doesn't have tantrums like that. I wish I had some advice and good luck!!

If she's so well behaved otherwise, and even takes discipline acceptingly as you note, then I'd sit down with your husband (and not her) and think very hard and make notes on these kinds of things:

When do these tantrums occur? Time of day; event that's happening or about to happen; what stage she's in, if she's in the process of getting ready to go somewhere or leave somewhere; etc.

Does she have the tantrums at the neighbor's or at school when she is arriving at these places? Or when she has to leave and doesn't want to? Or when she's in the middle of the time there and is thwarted in something she wants -- told "no" about something?

Does she have more of these in the mornings? Midday? Evenings?

For the tantrums at school, do they occur at the same general time and place? When she's being dropped off? Do they occur in front of the same general group of kids, or the same teachers, who witness them each time?

These kinds of questions could help you see any patterns. She might have trouble leaving situations where she wants to stay (dinner at the neighbor's is over but she won't leave, for instance) or going in and starting new situations (she arrives at school but doesn't want to go in and would rather go home). She might do it at times when she feels she does not have your full attention: When you are getting yourself ready for work, when you are about to leave her at school, when you are chatting with the neighbors.

You can work with her on giving her LOTS of advance warning about "We're going to leave in 30 minutes -- the amount of time it will take you to play one more game of cards with your friend" then "We're going to leave in 10 minutes -- right after you pick up the cards" etc. (Don't just use times, they mean little to her at this age, but associate them with how long it takes her to do X). Same in reverse for starting things/new situations. "We're going to leave for school in 15 minutes, the time it takes you to...." Even possibly use a timer if she doesn't freak out at timers -- some kids love them, others hate them and it makes things worse.

Yes, the eating and sleeping are probably factors in all this. She may be hungrier than you realize in the a.m. when she's screaming for you to do her hair; be sure she eats before the getting ready, and give her a healthy "second breakfast" in the car on the way to school (cheese stick, whole wheat crackers, dry Cheerios mixed with raisins, etc.) and see if that distracts her while also staving off tantrums as she arrives at school. You said you don't see a connection between eatiing and the tantrums, but remember, the "blood sugar crash" that makes many kids go into tantrums doesn't occur for a while after eating; she may seem fine and then suddenly crash out and get a bad attitude. Same with sleep --she may seem able to wake fine in the a.m. when she is tired again by the time she's in the car on the way to school. (School arrival tantrums in particular may be connected to needing more sleep and more food first thing.)

Also, are there any changes this year? Is she in K for the first time so that's a change? She might be pushing her boundaries to see if you'll let her not go, if she thinks she dislikes it. If she's going to a preschool or day care she's been used to, that may be less of a factor. If you've only recently gone back to work so that's new for her, she may be pushing your buttons because she doesn't like the situation. Examine those things too. You can't change the work/school situation but you can give her more sleep, more food and a very set routine so she knows what to expect.

As for screamiing -- Don't hear her if she screams. She wouldn't do it unless it got her some form of reaction or satisfaction; she thinks it works, somehow, even if you think you aren't reacting to it -- she thinks you are. Try telling her, calmly and when SHE is calm, that the new rule is: Using outside screaming voices indoors means no one can hear her any more. Walk away from her when she screams and ignore her completely until she can lower her voice. This may take some time and end up with her screaming louder and louder and finally in tears because "I KNOW you can hear me, mommy!" but you may need to really stick to your guns.

Please update us here!

I can only think of 3 children we have known that still had tantrums at this age. All 3 were girls.

One was a girl with mild autism.. She still can throw a screaming tantrum.
Nothing works with her. If we say, "so and also is looking at you".. she just says "I do not care". This is a young woman who is now 21. Her whining is what drives me insane. She is so immature, but incredibly bright, she is going to graduate from college in 2 years. Part of her problem is she has to always be right. She will fight to the bitter end to get a person to either give up or admit she was in some way right.. Her parents are really concerned about when she has to get a job.. what is going to happen.

The other was a girl that threw fits, because she did not like to be told no. It was directly because her mother was too exhausted from everything going on in their home. She was an older mom with a second husband, ill mother and mentally challenged adult sister she was also caring for. Her daughter was out of control mom knew it but was just not up to dealing with her, so they just gave her what she wanted to get her to stop..
Thank goodness they moved away. The mother was wonderful and I felt bad for her.. but the girl was a nightmare.

The third is once again a girl that her family had a lot going on. They had a teen son who had CP and was the main focus of the family. This young girl was very creative and spirited. She needed and craved a tremendous amount of attention. I felt like they gave her a ton, considering, but it was never enough.. She will be an amazing actress or writer.. Great imagination and also incredibly intelligent. But if she did not think people were listening to her enough or agreeing with her ideas.. she would throw a fit. Her mother still swears I am the only one able to get her daughter to stop whining. I used to "out whine her" . She would whine and I would mimick her, then she would whine even more and I would step it up and say, "is that all you got girl"?.. she would crack up. Also in the car or before we all left for an outing. I would remind everyone.. "No whining and no fits or we all will have to leave". I would say this directly to this child.. She knew I was serious. All it took was a look from me and she would catch herself. Her mother was always giving in.. again she was just worn out. I was full of energy and never back down.

Let me ask my 10y if he's 'Normal' and get back to you....

Do I think its normal. No. Does it happen? Yes. Most of the time it means two things. My kids are tired or hungry. I'm am over being embarassed by my kids' outbursts. I'm not the one doing them. I just stand there quietly, looking, watching. When I think they are almost done, I ask them. 'Ya done yet?'

I have stood outside Dr. offices (yesterday), Walmart parking lots (he didn't want to go in), and even in stores (said no to DS games). Once he was really acting up in Target, being mean, kicking at me. I pulled him into an aisle and told him to give me 20 pushups and he did! Got some strange looks for that one.

My kids have walked to the car shoeless, jacketless, and once or twice in their pjs. They will NOT win.

Don't have any suggestions about the screaming except to try and ignore it. The more that she sees that it does nothing, the less she will use it as a way to get something.

My younger son still had tantrums at that age but it was part of his PDD and whatever other letters he has in his diagnosis. He had to learn to control himself there really wasn't anything we could do other than never give in to them.

I have a 6 1/2 yr old who still has tantrums. Usually it's when she is tired, after school is common. Rarely in public though. She goes on the floor, kicking and screaming and if I try to take her to her room she kicks, claws, bites, you name it! Once she gets this way it's like a switch goes off in her little head and she can no longer control herself. There is no reasoning with her at this point. I tell her that when she can calm down I'd be glad to talk to her, otherwise I ignore her. I do NOT give in to her demands. Period. I find that she calms down better when I leave her alone. The more I try to interact with her, the longer the tantrum continues. And I do my best to stay calm (which isn't always easy!), because the angrier I get the more her tantrum escalates. You have to stick to your guns, mama! Give her clear concise directions and follow thru - ex. You need to have your jacket on in five minutes or we're leaving without it. Or clean up your room within the next 1/2 hour or there will be no tv tonight, etc. And try to praise her when she is behaving! Catch her doing something good! Lol. I have trouble with this sometimes, but they love hearing "hey sweetie, great job getting your shoes/socks on before it's time to leave" or "I love that you put your backpack away without me asking, that was very helpful", etc.
Know that you are not alone!! I feel your pain.

My just recently turned 6 year old still has tantrums. (I had tantrums until I was in my late teen's, not kidding) My mom says I am getting pay backs. My youngest daughter....not a tantrum thrower. So for me, I know its my daughters personality. Does it mean I like putting up with them and I'm not working on resolving them. Of course not! But I do notice she has them when she's tired. Because these do not happen too often but when they do...I know she is tired. She just started back to school and I can tell she is tired from school. We just had a big one last night and the night before because she was told to do her homework. Last night, I put her in her room with the door closed with strict orders not to destroy anything or she would be picking it all up. She was in there for quite some time before she calmed herself down and came out to finish her homework.
Even to this day, when I get angry I take time to myself by taking a walk or going into my room with the door closed. Its not often but does happen.

My daughter does not have tantrums in public. (Although she has had them at a friends house when I went to pick her up) What I would do, is not take her to public places, purposely leave her out and let her know it. When she asks why, say its because you throw tantrums in stores. Give her a long break and then try it out someday with a warning not to throw a tantrum and that if she does, she will not be allowed to go anymore. Oh and I wouldn't worry about your neighbors...

I'm not going to label any child as "normal" or not, but I will say that when teaching a toddler of 2 or 3 to not have tantrums we encourage them to "use their words" rather than freak out. Surely by the age of almost 6 I expect them to not throw tantrums anymore but rather express their frustration through words. I understand they won't always like what needs to be done, but that's life.

My almost 2.5 is into the "I do it!" phase, and to the extent I can I let him. But if we're in a hurry I sometimes have to dress him, brush his hair, etc., and do my best to tell him I know he wants to do it but we have to go.

One trick that works is having them lay down for a "rest" when they get home in the afternoon, the evening flows so much better, you might try it with your daughter (step is still a daughter to me) along with an earlier bedtime.

Don't give in to her demands, be they "Give me 'X' and I'll calm down," her not wanting to eat or not getting her own way, she's going on 6 not 26 and parents (and grandparents) have to set the boundaries for appropriate behavior. When she throws a tantrum in front of you tell her she needs to do that kind of behavior in her room and carry her there if you have to and close the door. Usually once the audience is gone the performance ends. Nip her manipulation in the bud now or she will be a pain to live with as she gets older. Discipline when she acts out, reward for a few days of no tantrums with a special outing or treat, and know that, seriously, if she's having these type of tantrums at school they will be recommending or requiring she be assessed and see a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist soon. They won't allow children to do this when it distracts other students and teacher's focus.

One last thing, I have no doubt she's an angel when not having tantrums, they all are! ; )

If you think it's food or sleep related, can you
* try getting her to lay down for 30 minutes after school (hey, there's nothing wrong with an after school nap, imo. :)
* If you know she hasn't eaten (ex, if she's not eating lunch or much lunch at school), have a granola bar or apple or banana on hand to hand to her (meet her at the bus stop with it, or keep it in the car when you pick her up)

If you haven't already, try reading How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk. Employ some/all of the techniques and see if it helps.

In my case, my kids only really tried this once or twice as toddlers (age 2-3). They have never really acted that way. They certainly get frustrated or emotional or snippy, but tantrums are an extremely rare occurance. I presume because you asked the question, that this happens pretty frequently, like several times per week??

I know all kids are different, and some probably have high strung personalities, but if I had that experience with my child at age 6 or another parent's child in my care, I would be pretty shocked. I think you need to look at the situations and events bringing this on, and that should give you an idea of why it is occurring - does she do this for teachers or grandparents or babysitters? Or just for you? If it happens for everyone, I think this is a child that needs some anger managment skills training and some evaluation of any sensory or emotional problem.

If she only turns it on for you, then you need a re-boot of how you are disciplining her and interacting with her. She is likely trying to achieve somehting from you or having some level of frustration about you that she can't express. I can't begin to guess what that would be, except you may need to seek some parenting skills input as well. Either way, you might want to get her school guidance department involved and just say you are at your witt's end.

As for the screaming, you may want to make her have "time-out" in the hallway or lobby. If she is disturbing everyone anyway, better that they see you aren't hurting her.

I was wondering... if/when your child does that, is she/he hungry?
Is he/she Hypoglycemic?
Because, kids who's blood-sugar level drops, and they have gone too long without eating or having a snack, they can get like that.

Next: does she get enough sleep? If not, if lacking enough sleep and a kid if over-tired, they can get like that.

Try getting the books: "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk"... and the book "Have A New Kid By Friday" by Leman.

Children, who do not have special needs, have tantrums because their allowed to have tantrums. 6 is way to old. Sounds like the daddy needs to step up and give her a good pop on the behind the next time she throws one. Guarantee they will be over by the third one. Parents need to run the show nit the children.

.

My son is about that age (6 in February). Tantrums have decreased a lot this year but aren't totally gone. Being overtired and hungry are the biggest triggers for my son. My son is supposed to go to bed at 8 and get up at 7. When he is on this schedule he is okay but when he gets off it his behavior is much worse. It is a big struggle to get him back on track. So lack of sleep could definitely be part of the problem.

My son will scream or screech at times and he gets a separate consequence for that (toy goes in time out, he goes in time out or something). I've been working on redirecting tantrums with him since he was a toddler. If you can catch her before it is a full fledged tantrum it helps. It can help to reflect on her feelings (frustrated or whatever) and offer her something similar she can do. With my kids if you don't catch it soon enough or the kid is just past coping you kind of have to ride it out (and stay as calm as you can manage)--which sucks when you are trying to get out the door. Also the rule in our family is if you are having a tantrum you will never get what you want (even if it is a reasonable request), you must calm down and ask nicely first. It took a lot of repetition and reminders to make that work though. My 5.5 year old can usually calm down with a prompt to ask calmly. We still have a long way to go with my younger one (2.5).

Hopefully the tantrums will decrease as she gets older and the new school year routine gets more familiar. I would say it is not unusual for that age to have some tantrums as long as they are letting up.

I think it is normal to some extent...Not sure about the kicking and screaming in public. They are coming into their own and they are very self aware about the world they live in not to mention how opinionated they are.

The best thing you can do is to send her to her room when she is acting out. I know the neighbors may not like it but if she needs to cry and scream and get upset she has her room to do it in. Make sure the bedroom door is closed.

My DD is 6 years old and can be very argumentative and cry when she is trying to express herself and gets frustrated....I try to be patient but if she becomes inconsolable I put her in her room.

there are some free articles that I found to be really insightful and helpful on this subject at www.handinhandparenting.org. maybe something there will give you some ideas ... good luck!

tantrums are either a control issue....
or a reaction to tired, hungry, emotional distress (including school - it's a lot to deal with all the noise in a classroom and other kids misbehaving). remember that what is not a big deal to an adult can be huge for a child. Given that she's usually good, I'd guess it's not a control issue on her part.

It sounds like there's lots going on in her life she can't control (like having multiple care givers that may not be consistent with each other's rules).

that said, she's old enough to start owning these.......so, beyond having discussions and sussing out any issues and talking about her taking control of her behavior, consider food additives. particularly artificial food dyes.

my oldest is very sensitive to yellow dyes (all of them, but particularly #5). you'd be amazed at what they're in so you have to read labels. my oldest is a sweetie that rarely acts up but he used to turn into a mean, nasty creature when he had yellow dye. we now warn him and give him the choice (but he's quite a bit older) and he's able to control it for the most part and many times he'll decide whatever food has the dye is not worth the control it will take on his part. obviously we don't have these foods in the house so it tends to be special treats from school, grandparents, etc. so we give him the choice.

and yes, it took us a long time to figure this one out because it seemed so random.

good luck.

She seems very able to express herself. Now it is time for you to express yourself. I had to have a contract negotiation session with my child who did this. I had to come from the vantage point that I respected her feelings, and her desires, but I also had to be sensitive to her "triggers" so I could empathize. You seem to realize that when she is around others, she tends to do this.
First, I acknowledged that she was a very capable child. I let her know that I loved her (as I was kneeling and giving her a hug). When she was calm I told her that we needed to talk about a "situation" and I took her to a place that was "safe" and special--my kitchen where I started to make hot chocolate and put cookies on a plate. (She liked those things especially well and I wanted to link her good feelings about those things with a good feeling that I was going to present to her next)
As I was doing these things, I asked her what her opinion was on how to discuss the situation, i.e. the obvious amount of sadness and angry feelings she must be feeling. After all, only people who are sad or angry, or hurt in their "feelings place" also known as "somewhere inside" act out by screaming, kicking, etc.
Once she understood that I understood, we could get somewhere.
I showed her the faces feeling chart. You can now find one that fits by going to http://www.freeprintablebehaviorcharts.com/feeling_charts....
By talking about not only how she feels, but how her behavior makes you feel (you can point to a sad face, too) it will help her communicate more exactly. This means that you are sad that she is sad, and you want to help her feel happy again. Once that happens, she'll eventually be able to recognize that the feeling is coming up to "boiling point."
I had my child "help" me by watching the water in a pot come to a boil to make hot chocolate-she could see that at first there were little bubbles that said that something was happening. When the big bubbles came, and the steam came up hot I made the comparison to how sometimes feelings act the same way. At first they are small. You can see that they are there, but they aren't too big to be scary. If you let them build up, they become big and too hot to handle sometimes (at this point she stepped back off of the stepstool because the bubbles were popping out of the pot). Then I took the pot off the burner and explained that there was something that make the pot get hot. Sometimes those are some things that I worry about, or that are upsetting, but just like the water in the pot, those feelings are something that are only inside of me. I asked her for some examples of things that hurt or make her afraid, and helped to guide her--A friend that took a crayon without asking...wanting for everything to be just perfect...wanting to make sure that things wouldn't change, because change is scary, not having mom or someone she knows be with her all of the time, etc.
Then I said that the burner could be turned off before those bubbles got too big. I told her that her "bubbles" could be controlled by doing some things that turn that burner off, too. I asked her what some of her solutions were. She told me that she could share her crayons, she could let her picture not be so "perfect' and when I dropped her off to class we could have a little "ritual or routine" [at this point I had her turn the burner control to "off."] Our ritual that we created is that I kissed my finger and then touched it to her face and smiled. She then returned the same to me. She carried that with her all day. When she got to the point that the tantrums were rare, we got a ring that had CTR (choose the right) on it. Whenever she looked at it, she was reminded to choose to act and not react.
Children that are very smart, are also more likely to have more fears and if they are not very verbal, they tend to have more tantrums. You can teach her a "special language" too-sign language. The movement of her hands and arms replace the kicking movement which can be calming as well as a way to expend the energy that is all pent up otherwise. Tantrums were a way of life for us. This process helps.
When we finished the conversation, we also set up some rewards as well. Some of the other posts might give you ideas. Catch her being good, and acknowledge those times. Having consequences are also needed. But, SHE needs to give you a list of those consequences. She has to "own" her behavior, GOOD or bad. If she sets the reward and the consequence you can refer back to "her decision." Please be sure to make a picture chart of her rewards and consequences-it will be easier for her to refer to. Also, post it in "her special reminder" place. Making her responsible now and allowing her to have the satisfaction of being in control will pay off big time when she becomes a teen. You won't be as likely to have an overly rebellious teen. Note: This does not mean that she will still try to test your agreed upon limits. It will just make it less emotionally charged and will help her learn to control herself in a positive direction. This means that you won't have to expend so much emotional energy as well.--A big plus for you!
Hope this helps.
Mom of nine-All of them mine, 6 married, and 3 of whom are in current "teen" years.