My Step Daughters and Their Mother

Hi well it is a sad thing when parents teach their children not to be comfortable with their weight and who they are! All I can say give those girls lots of love and support because as time goes on they’ll see who is the supportive one of the family and that is who they will trust with their big problems. Are these girls involved in any extra activities?good luck with it all WAHM S.

You mentioned that you and your husband are working on your weight issue. That's great! Would it be possible to hire a nutritionist to come to your home and act as a consultant? He/she could give you some pointers on how to make the foods you already enjoy be a little more healthy, explain to you and your family what the nutrition lables mean and how they apply to you, and even possibly give you some recipes to try. I'm thinking that if you could have someone come to your home while the 13 yr old is visiting with you then it will open the girls' eyes to their own nutrition. It would also help them know how to respond to their mother. I would never tell a child to be disrespectful to a parent nor would I suggest using children to one's own advantage (even if the the mom is being a pain); but it would certainly put her in her place if your 13yr old replied with something like, "I agree that most pizza isn't that great for you; but that's why the crust is whole wheat and the sauce has less sodium" or something to that affect.

If a nutritonist is out of the budget (I'm not sure how much it would cost), then how about going online and visiting the food network site. They list all of their shows and recipes with nutritional info.

It sounds as if mom is using the girls to get to you. You said that you and your husband were overweight (which is in the eye of the beholder, mind you, so don't feel bad!) Her mother knows this and is very crafty in using this to her advantage. Rememebr, men are on the surface with it, while women are more crafty....sorry but it's true! So, you just continue to be as sweet as you are and know that in the long run, you have done your part in staying out of it. Follow dad's lead on this one and support him in keeping the peace. Your victory is in knowing what it is and rising above her little digs through her daughter. God Bless!

I would say that you should not go against what her mom is telling her. That is her mom and it would look bad for you to contridict what her mom said even the mom is wrong. Make sure you have healthy alternatives for her to eat along with the spagetti or what ever your family is eating. Let her choose.

You need to tell those girls every day how beautiful they are. Unfortunately, I am going through the same thing with my sisters-in-law. They are much younger than me and their mom (my mother-in-law, who I love dearly), tells them not to eat because they will get fat. You should see these girls. They are knock outs! I am constantly telling them that if they continue to exercise and eat well, an occassional treat is ok. I think all you can do is praise the girls and try to build up their self esteem. What I have seen happen with my sisters-in-law is that their self esteems have been hurt. They are all very thin and beautiful. I just tell them that they are gorgeous and that they can have pizza and other treats in moderation. Good luck with your daughters!

This is a hard one dealing with a parent that is not there. However meals can be something like baked chicken, burgers, salads. Spagetti with a salad and piece of bread is also a easy meal. Fresh fruit for desert. These girls are growing and need to have a balanced meal. They know for they want and will eat it even if you are not there, example school and with friends. Do not make them feel bad they get that already. Had this pulled on me also.

Hi M.,
I'm no expert or know it all but I too am a mother of two step teenage sons and one of them I had issues with at the beginning. What I find that has worked for me was having a one to one talk with him. I would suggest since she is with you for the month of July, to have a talk with her. Just you and her only, sttart off with something small so she doesn't feel defensive or that she did something wrong. She may or may not open up to you but just have a heart to heart talk with her.

You mentioned that you and your husband were slightly overweight and you are working on that. Ask how SHE feels about, be prepared for the answer, use it to help you and her, not take it personally. I wouldn't doubt that her mother is using you as an example to your step daughter. Who knows she could be telling her that if she get fat no one is going to want her or she would not have a boyfriend. Without saying anything negative about her mother, talk to your step daughter and ask her to share how she really feels about getting "fat". How has this affected her self-esteem. Low self-esteem in teenage girls can have devasting effects, resulting in bulima and poor choice of friends. Reinforce that what she talks about stays between you and her, that way she doesn't fear upsetting her mom if something gets back to her.

Talk to her about your relationship with her father, how much you care and love him and love his daughters. seek her input. Communication is the key to a successful relationship whether it is with your husband or children. As parents we have a tendency to "Tell, tell, tell" our children what to or not too do instead of listening.

I believe if you can build that trust between you and her and openly discuss issues such as this, it can only help to draw you closer. The effects may not seem readily apparent but as she gets older it will be something she can fall back on. You being there, to listen and offer support.

Good Luck, M..

Tell them it's good to be conscious about what they eat, but not to let it control their lives. Let the facts work for you - have them research body mass index (BMI) to see where they fall on the scale, calories that they need each day, and how many calories they're taking in. Let them work with you to prepare meals and menus. Offer them salads that they can eat in large quantities - that's healthy for them anyway.

I have the same problem with my daughter and my step mom. I dont have custody just yet but am very close. My daughter is undeweight (60 lbs soaking wet at 12 years old but last year she was only 40lbs) she looks like a pile of bones. I am over weight and working on it as well. My step mom always tells my daughter that if she eats alot then shes going to be fat like her mom. I have on the needed rebound showed my daughter pictures,let her see, and talk to people that are anoric and/or bolimic. Asking them to explain their condition and what they have had to go through. (all the people are in treatment and agreed to try to help her).
It has taken several years of doing this but she is finally seeing that eating 2 crackers and saying she is full just isnt healthy. She also sees that in our house we have healthy foods that she can eat anytime she wants plus a couple of treats that if she eats good she can have one. She is now starting to understand that at har nana's house she was given crackers while her nana ate a plate full of regular food.

Talk to your children until your blue in the face if needed. Let them know that in the long run if they dont eat until their bodies say they are satisfied their bodies will start holding on to the fats in their foods because their bodies will start worrying about them being starved. Let them know that after eating a good meal they can go out side if they want and play to work it off if they feel the need. But teach them about healthy eating and keep a close eye they see more then what you think. My daughter sees me eating like a bird and me not losing any weight and asks me about it...my answer is that it took several years to put this weight on plus having 3 kids and it will take several years to take off the weigh in a healthy way. Picture it gained 40 lbs with each pregancy and I have 3 children never lost any of it and Ive been working on it since I was 17.

I hope this hope by you knowing you are not alone and giving you some pointers on what you can do with your daughters if needed.

Since you can't really change the mother, maybe you can ask the girls to help you plan healthy dinner ideas. If you and your husband are trying to loose weight as well maybe it wouldn't hurt to try different "healthy" meals. It is such a shame that girls that young have to worry so much about what they are eating, its good for them to know how to be healthy, but not to obsess over gaining weight.

I understand not wanting to gain weight, but there comes a point when a parent can make comments about it so often that the child takes it overboard. I was anorexic/bulemic when I was much younger because I was worried about my weight. Since then I've gotten super healthy and don't have to worry about it.

Try sitting down with your 13 year old and telling her that she is beautiful and doesn't have to worry about her weight because she is an active teen. If she still seems concerned, calculate her BMI. The average BMI is over 18, under 25. (a little over or under isn't harmful considering her age) Then have her create an account on www.fitday.com. This website will allow her to track what she eats every day, set goals, and keep track of those goals. You can also help her find out how many calories she's supposed to have in a day, and then Fit Day will help her keep track to make sure she's staying within her limits.

Good luck and I hope she's able to realize she's beautiful no matter the scale says.

I sympathize but do you really know the Mom told the girls they are going to get fat? Your step-daughter is 13 and at that age they are very self-conscious. We eat healthy and exercise, but my 15 year old (who is thin but not anorexic) is always saying she is fat. I have never ever said anything like that, but the thought remains.

Also a 13 year old may be dieting on her own, and may be using the "Mom told me to do it routine". Thirteen year olds do not have the skills to confront an adult, so it is easier to have a scapegoat. She is not really lying per se, she is just 13.

Since the 13 year old lives mostly with her mother, then on the days you have her DON'T have pizza. You really should not have pizza at all if you are living a healthy life style. That particular food should be listed on the once or twice a year treat list.

I also do not see any mention of exercise for you, your spouse or your step-children. You state that you are "My 16 year old doesn't have as much of a problem with it because she is older and I am constantly trying to tell her that if we eat right and constantly doing things like we have been, so won't have to worry about it". That is just as bad. You should not be discussing this if it is a passive way of contradicting the Ex.

You, your spouse and his Ex are ALL working against each other.

What does you step daughter's Dr. say? Are they concerned about the weight. Is there a family history with your spouses family?

You state that the girls are no where near chunky. Sometimes when a person is overweight, they are unable to judge if someone else is chunky or not. (I have been there, done that.

The Mom, you (and presumably your spouse - although from your description he seems a passive bystander thast is letting you do the heavy lifting on unpleasant subjects).

Both sides want what is best for the kids, but both have radically differenct ideas of how to accomplish that. You are not a monster and neither is the Ex. (remember, everything you know about the ex is filtered through your spouse).

It is best to leave this alone. Once you both stop butting heads and digging your heels in, things will lighten up for both sides.

REally the girls will only be there a short amount of time when you consider the big picture. They will make their own eating and exercising decisions.

Prepare healthy meals and exercise with the kids. The Ex can only drive you crazy if you let her.

Their mother is creating two future adults with eating disorders.... What I would do is start teaching them about nutrition. Show them the nutritional value of foods, explain daily caloric intake and how your body burns calories (energy). Give them the science behind what you're telling them. They are both old enough to understand all of this and it might go a long way towards helping them develop lifetime healthy eating habits.

If needed, take them to a nutritionist who can explain to them how much their body needs each day to stay healthy , grow and have enough energy to exercise.

here are a few websites i found that might help.

http://www.nutrition.gov/nal_display/index.php?info_cente...

http://www.nutritiondata.com/

http://www.nutrition.org/

You'll never change the Mom, she's an idiot, excuse my curtness but in a day and age where eating disorders are growing at an alarming rate, I can't imagine telling my daughter's that they are going to get fat. She's a gem :(

Live by example, DON'T even mention weight or complain about yours. It sounds like you don't but just a reminder. Sometimes I have to catch myself complaining about how I look in front of my daughter and I need to stop. It's a hard habit to lose.

If you are trying to lose weight (you said you were working on it), let them know it is for the right reasons, to be healthy, not for cosmetic purposes. This way they can associate it with healthy living and not trying to look good in their clothes.

Focus on everything they do that has nothing to do with looks or appearances. Try to get their minds off the clothes, makeup, calories. Focus on the qualities they possess on the inside, their unique qualities and talents and help their confidence grow. Hopefully, they will be confident enough to realize their value is not based on their weight or appearances.

I know the ex doesn't seem cooperative but MAYBE your husband could "gingerly" tell her the girls are appearing to be overly concerned about calories and buy her a book about young women today and self esteem issues/and/or the alarming rate of eating disorders among your girls. Doesn't even have to be a book, maybe you could email and article in a way where she wouldn't get defensive.

You sound like you know what to do already and they are lucky to have you. Good luck.

Good gravy! I can't imagine any mother telling their child they will "get fat". "It's not healthy", perhaps, but not get fat. I am not sure what to tell you about exactly what to say there, but I can completely relate to the situation you are in. I have been married for 10 years and have two step sons- one 18 and the other 14. We got custody of them within two months of getting married and having been doing the "I can outdo you" battle ever since. I can tell you that during the custody battle when all of us were in constant counseling (the boys were only 5 and 9 at the time)the counselor repetitively told us not to bad mouth or contradict the mother. Even though she was doing it to us, we didn't do it back. We simply led by example and loved the boys with all our hearts and eventually, they figured it out all on their own. I think that all you can do is reassure both girls that as long as they lead a healthy lifestyle, eat right and exercise, they will not "get fat" and are certainly no where near "fat" right now. Maybe let them go to some websites to check their body fat ratio so they can see "proof" that they are not in any way overweight. Good luck. I know how hard it is-trust me. We also have five year old twins (a boy and a girl) and believe me, when they were born it was even more of a challenge, but completely worth it!!!!!!!

Sounds like their mom has some jelous hate issues that are hurting the girls. She can turn those girls to having anorexia or bilemia issues. Keep doing what your doing and your and your husband keep living a healthy lifestyle and keep the comunication line going. Skipping meals and such just adds the lbs later. It doesnt sound like you or your husband would be able to talk since into this woman the only thing you can do is keep working on your life style change.