Today I see the mom of my son's best friend today and I suggested that they have playdate and his little sister can even come along, that I would pick them all up from school. She says to me, "NO! You must take all my kids, their little brother too." I said, "He's not even in kindergarten yet, is he? I mean, I was just going to pick up your two after school. My car is not even big enough for 5 kids" (This conversation is taking place in front of all the kids too. -- Awkward!) She said, "I will bring them all to your house. All my kids play together." Even though I have previously told her that "4 kids total is my limit." she was VERY obstinate.
Taking care of my two, her two elementary school kids, and her toddler for a few hours might be slightly remotely appealing to me if I thought she would ever host a playdate in the future, but she will not. She lives outside our school district in another city. She drags all her kids to the nail salon she manages and that is where they stay.
Noow my son is upset at me saying, "If you won't take all her kids, I will never get a playdate with my best friend." I am the bad guy because a playdate doesn't involve her entire brood.
It is not an option to meet her at a park with the kids because when she is over here on my side of town, she is working. I can't say, "How about a playdate at your place -- because her place is her job."
So there you have it.
ETA: I would prefer to take only my son's best friend for his playdate. (The first playdate was only supposed to be him. She just keeps pushing her kids on me.) Talk about "No chance for my son to have a playdate with just his best friend." Weekends are out because they are Asian and spend their time doing various Asian activities.
ETA @Birdsfreakmeout and Sue: Actually, my statement about "Asian Activiities" is not racist. Your comment is ignorant. You should know something about it before you accuse someone of such offensive behavior. To answer your question Bird, many people want their children to learn about their respective heritage. I have another friend who is European and they do their respective European cultural (heritage) activities too! They take their son to European activities Church, language school, and cultural events and the SAME precise thing goes with many of our Asian and Latino friends. Hopefully my response offered some clarity for you and you now are aware of a few examples of cultural activities and education.
Mostly great advice - thank you. I will explain to my son that his best friend can be just that at school but after school and weekends, he needs to have other friendships. Any future invites from me will only be for the one son...take it or leave it. Sorry for the kind-of-repeat question. This one was an "update" so to speak as she kind of yelled her demands/expectations at me -- in front of the kids. All my son wanted to do was play with her son so he felt really sad.
Didn't you ask this before?
You know what they say about the definition of insanity: doing the same thing & expecting up get a different result.
You know the drill. All kids or none.
Now YOU get to choose if you want to do that or not.
If not, tell your son to call someone else.
This is where I love having ADHD, "you have got to be kidding" in a very dismissive tone would have been out of my mouth before that little voice pipped up!
Not the best way to start a dialog but effective.
It is simple really for as much as she insists that her kids play together, you insist your kids do not! Your son is not the only child that loses a best friend if the adults can't find the middle ground.
Really where you were at was the middle ground.
_________________________
@ your ETA about Asian activities, most of us refer to them as family activities. I think that is what they meant.
Work on finding him a new best friend. She's ridiculous.
Oh heck no..
That woman is rude.
You invited the child you were inviting.. To make it all or nothing.. I guess nothing.
You need to tell your son, this is not him being punished, this is because the mother is not playing fair.. Or the other mother is not being polite.
Do NOT get guilted into this.. She sounds unstable..
Stand your ground.
Find another best friend for your son.
This is not worth the effort.
LBC
LOL this makes me laugh! I assume you don't know what race they are hence the term "Asian" activities. That's like someone referring to my family by saying oh they're busy doing "white people" stuff!!!
I don't think you're racist at all but I can see why you ruffled a few feathers. It may have been more PC to say "cultural" activities rather than use a blanket term like "Asian."
Korean, Vietnamese, Chinese, Thai, they don't usually appreciate being lumped together, that's all :-)
Glad you got some good advice to your actual question!
She needs the two elementary school kids to watch the toddler while she is working. How is she going to manage a nail salon while keeping track of a toddler? She can't. So if you are taking her babysitters away, she wants you to take the toddler. She's definitely in the wrong for it, but that's the way it is. Maybe just to make your son happy you could try it once, but don't feel obligated.
It's time for your son to make some new friends. Sign him up to a sport or other activity that will keep him busy and meet new kids.
it's a pity. but no way would i give in to this. this insane notion that kids come as a package deal is just wack. i can't believe how many parents subscribe to it. she is rude and unreasonable to demand it.
be sympathetic but firm with your son. he'll just have to enjoy that particular friendship at school, and find other friends for playdates.
khairete
S.
So if you give in and take all her kids, your kid just saw you cave to someone else's unreasonable and persistent demands, despite the fact you clearly stated you were not okay with it. So the next time he wants something you're against, guess what he'll do...
This situation is not going to change.
This one friend can't do play dates and I can't imagine anyone who would be willing to take all her kids when ever one needs to be somewhere.
It might be her way of controlling who he associates with - it certainly discourages friendships.
There might be a valid reason (I can't think of one) but if he doesn't live in your school district then why isn't he going to a school in his own district?
Your son is going to have to cultivate some new friends who are more flexible and more local to where you live.
Help him out here by getting him involved in some after school activities where he can meet other kids.
It's not racist to realize that different cultures do some things in different ways and sometimes those differences make for some incompatibilities.
Although I'm not sure what she's doing is particularly a cultural thing.
It's more of a clan-ish thing - she just wants her kids to play together and not so much with non family.
So don't feel too badly - I don't think she's singling out your son/family by insisting that all her kids come along as a group.
If she's doing this with all her kids friends then she's doing what she can to cut off or limit all those friendships.
In a way she's isolating them socially.
So feel some pity for your son's friend - but your son is still going to have to find other kids to play with if he wants play dates.
Sorry. This mom is using you and anyone else she treats this way as a free babysitter.
You should not cave to this. No more. If your son wants a playdate with this child, he can go to HER house.
You are nothing but a pushover if you put up with this. No more.
Dump the friend. It's sad for your son, but he needs a different friend. She's way out of line and the scenario isn't even possible. I'd rather stick hot pokers in my eyes than host that many kids and I would NEVER expect someone to take my three with only one friend for one of mine. Actually my daughter plays with the girl across the street (old enough not to be watched too closely), and I never send over ALL my kids including younger ones ? So. It's one of those disappointments in life for your son to experience and grow stronger from. Its her kid's loss too.
Give her the smiling, civil, friendly-when-you-see-her BRUSH-OFF.
Hell no!!! I remember being tricked into this once when mine were little. Once!!! She wants a babysitter for free. Tell your son he can be best friends with this child at school. Pick another for an after school play date!
Edit....If you do decide to take all of them. I would tell her you will be in for 5 free mani and pedi. Because that is what YOU do when you take all of someones kids when they manage a salon!
I am SO CURIOUS as to what "Asian activities" are! Wow...I REALLY think you should take that ETA out. Sounds awful. And I would be pissed off if someone said that couldn't play with us because we did "mexican activities" on the weekend (husband is mexican). That is just really rubbing me wrong.
Onto your question....
"I'm sorry. I can not watch all the kids. I can take your son and that is it. If that doesn't work for you then I guess the boys will just see each other at school"
She probably wont squirm or anything and actually flounce off in a huff. So be it. Your son is obviously still young, but not so young that he doesn't get it if you explain the situation to him.
You asked, offered to take two, she's demanding you take all three, don't give in. Tell your son you're sorry but playdates with this friend aren't going to happen, stand your ground, don't be her sitter. She'll find out soon enough her kids want their own friends, I feel for them.
ETA - I just realized you went through this with her before, you posted a question about it here on 3/26 and I responded then, too. So you knew what she'd likely say about all three coming. Decide if it's more important that your son has a playdate with this friend, or that he needs to make other friends to have playdates with. She isn't changing HER mind.
Tell your son you are sorry, but his best friend's Mom is being unreasonable. His best friend will just have to be his "best school friend" for now, and he will have to seek out neighbors, friends in closer proximity, or those whose parents make it easier to get together outside of school for his social time on weekends or whatever. Maybe as they get older, they can both sign up for the same activity or sport. You do not have to bend over backwards. I would just say to both friend's Mom and your son, "I'm sorry, but we disagree on plans, so it's not going to work" Keep it friendly. Things may shift a few years down the road.
You know what is best for your family. Do not take the toddler. You can tell her that you would like for your child to be friends with her child, but you know your limits and will need to stick to them. If she withholds her child for a playdate, just say okay, and then tell your own child that you wish she would let him play. It's not her child's fault, so don't blame him and tell your child not to blame him. Good luck!
All I see for you to do is occasionally go to their home when they are there, pick up Friend only and take him and your son out somewhere, dropping off Friend when it's over. And saying firmly to the mom, "This is an event/outing that Son is inviting Friend to do" and not taking any other kid. But that is a ton of work and puts all the effort on you.
I agree that it's time to direct your son toward other friends, but please take care not to tell him "You need a new BFF" or "His mom is the problem." This will all confuse and upset him and will make his friend MUCH more appealing and interesting because friend will then be "forbidden fruit" and will seem like the one person in the world he most wants to be with -- because son was told he couldn't be with him. Just set up play dates with other kids, and never mention them in the context of "Play with Jimmy instead of Friend" or anything like that. Your son sounds like maybe younger elementary so believe me - he will get over this, especially if you do not play it up or mention Friend or let Son overhear your frustration with Friend's mom.
The mom is doing all her kids a big disservice -- no one will want any of them to play if she does this to every family that asks any one of her kids to come over or go somewhere. Eventually they'll have no friends that they see outside school. It's too bad. But she is using you for babysitting under the pretense of "my kids stick together." She may truly believe that her kids must all be treated exactly equally, all the time, which is just not wise and does not work! How awful for the kids-- to be welded together as a unit instead of developing their own friendships. I would feel sorry for them more than angry at her.
By the way, I'm going to assume here that you didn't realize how your ETA sounded. The fact they are Asian has nothing to do with any of this, does it?
Your son needs to find a friend in your neighborhood. He needs to do this not you.
I think that, sadly, her inability to split her pack of kids is the real problem. If you can't host her whole brood, then your son will not be able to play with his friend outside of school.
While it's awkward, she's pushy and rude. Say, "I'm sorry, but no. I can either take the older boy, or the boy and the girl, but I can't take all three. If that doesn't work for you, the children will just have to play together at recess."
I'd watch this one for birthday parties, too. I bet she tries to drop off all three.
If your son is upset about it, simply say, "I'm sorry, but we can't work it out for you to see your friend after school."
My DD has asked for playdates and I've ventured to ask but not all of them pan out. There's one girl I won't even ask about because while I like the kid, the mom is...high strung. No way would that work out well. I focus on other kids.
I would not encourage this friendship. Just say "I really can't take them all, so we'll have to find another time when just your son can come over." Your son and his best friend can play in school. The mom is completely taking advantage of you (which you know) and using you as free childcare.
Find another friend who lives close by (and who will reciprocate) and set up something with that child in the near future.
It's sad that thise has to be this way. You know she will insist on you taking all three so stop asking. It seems obvious to me that she needs her oldest two to watch the toddler so she can work. So, in a way, you're also being unreasonable. Try to see it her way. She's not trying to be difficult. The situation is understandable.
Understand that her culture is different than yours. Business is a family situation. The whole family is involved. She relies on her children to take care of each other. Even if she were willing to hire a babysitter she's not making enough money to do that. I've seen this in other business settings involving Oriental families.
Explain to your son that you're not able to have all of the children and you're sorry but play dates just won't work. Don't blame the other mother. It's just a situation that has no solution.
You've had this issue with her before, and now you know it wasn't a one-off. She is ALWAYS going to want/expect you to take all three. I am not clear, though, on whether or not you could get away with only taking the oldest for a playdate. Both occasions you have mentioned, YOU volunteered to take the older two, but balked at the 3rd (the youngest). I'm not saying you are in the wrong, only that Amanda H. is probably spot on that the older two keep the toddler busy for her as little sitters so she can work.
Maybe if you ask to only take the one oldest child and see what she says. If she still wants you to take all three, then you may have to change tactics. Offer to bring him for a sleepover maybe. Or take your kids to meet her at a park on her turf. Otherwise, you'll just have to stay firm that you are only inviting the oldest/oldest two. And if she isn't willing to do that, then you can't host.
Tell your children this in advance, so that if she keeps pressing you in front of the children (which is extremely inappropriate) your kids know what you will say and won't be begging you to give in or giving you guilt inducing looks.
Sorry.
Didn't I see this same question a few weeks ago?
Tell her you can't do it at your house and that you'll meet her at McDonalds. No mess, no fuss, if she doesn't show up the kids still get to have play time.
Why don't you have a playdate on the weekend? That way, you can invite just your son's best friend and the other two can either stay home with their dad or, if mom is working, go with her to the salon. You might have to drive across town to pick him up and/or take him home, but it would be much better than having to deal with all three of her kids, or even the little sister too.
Taking all of them is not fair to you, unless she pays you as a babysitter for the toddler. She also will need to find a way to get them to your house, since your car can't fit her toddler (and his car seat).
The mom is taking advantage of you. I think a weekend playdate, or a school holiday, will work best.
