Awkward Situation. WWYD?

I have had that happen with my daughter. I ended up telling her that she was not to ask for playdates in front of so and so because they are very busy and her friend could not play outside of school. She was satisfied with this explanation and stopped asking

I would tell my son in the morning that we have an errand to run right after school, that way he knows up front not to ask for anything after school.

It sounds to me like there could be a backstory here. Yes, every mom has their own legitimate excuse..but... I'd want to find out whether my child(ren) are the specific cause of this parent being so reluctant (as opposed to the student body at large) before proceeding.

I had to make a rule that they could not ask at pickup because a girl kept doing this to us at school, scouts, and church. Her M. just didn't like me and it was awkward. I eventually told my daughter that the other M. had to call us and invite us. Then she told the child. Then that M. got all the pressure. LOL

I have been in similiar situations, lots of kids run up to my daughter and ask for playdates, but not all of the parents are responsive or interested. I have one child in particular who always wants a playdate, and because I volunteer in the classroom will ask me not only at drop off/pick up but during the day as well. This is what I did "Sweetie, we would love to have you over for a playdate, we are free next wednesday, and would love to get together at the park afterschool. If your mom is okay with it have her contact me". If the mother does not get back to me, that is what I tell the kids: "I'm sorry honey, but I haven't heard from your family as to whether or not you can have a playdate". When my child asks why the other family has not gotten back to us I explain that sometimes people work and don't have a lot of free time to take care of playdates, and othertimes schedules don't work out. I try to focus on the fact that they can be friends at school, and can be invited to your birthday party, but that is all we can control.

Have you spoken to the mom about this? Perhaps she has a reason - her house is a terrible mess, her alcoholic uncle lives at the house, who knows. If you know why she isn't interested it may help. You can either tell your son - sorry but no play dates with this kid or you can actually schedule one at either a park, other neutral site or your home.

The only way that worked for me, was to say in the other mom's presence--loudly " I am so sorry X, I know you really want to play with X and it makes me sad too~ We really can't ask them anymore though because X mom has said no every time. I know its hard to understand, but some parents just aren't comfortable with having their child play with others. If X's mom ever becomes ready to have a playdate, she knows how to find us and we would more than welcome her. "

In this instance with a mom who doesn't deal with confrontation directly--you have to do the same. If she were more forward about it, I would ask her point blank--is there a reason why you say no to our playdate offers every time? Are you not interested? Or is it bad timing--- If your not interested, please say so and I will stop asking.

This worked for us and the mom actually came to me the next day and spoke to me and said they don't do playdates and didn't want to hurt feelings. I told her no problem--just let us know honestly next time so my kid doesn't get disappointed every time they say no. She agreed and we have been friendly ever since!

Good luck!

M

Please dont' overthink this one. The boys are at an age where they glue themselves to a best buddy and persist in asking for play dates etc. I saw it all the time in kindergarten among both boys and girls. The kids seem like they are never going to think about another kid -- and then suddenly they only want to play with X, and you never hear about Y any more. It will pass though it may not seem like that to you right now.

You've made the repeated effort to invite and she hasn't responded; when you pick up your son and the other boy runs after him and says "I want to play!" you can say to the boy, "That would be nice but you have to ask your mom, for another time, OK? And we can't play today," and keep moving. You don't want to hurt either boy's feelings. But believe me, they will move on to being interested in other friends pretty soon especially if they indeed never have a play date together.

You've already done what I would usually suggest -- a neutral third place like a park or even going on the school playground right after school. Not much else to try unless you just want to give the mom your e-mail and say, "I know you haven't been up for play dates yet, but when you'd like the boys to have one at our house, or anywhere else, let me know and we'd be open to it." And leave it at that.

It's possible as others note that there could be things going on at home that make her not want to do play dates, or she could be a mom who is just overly cautious about letting her kid do this (maybe he's never had playdates before, it does happen!). It even could be as simple as she's on her way to get another sibling or get home to do her work-at-home job by a certain time each day. Anyway, stay open and cordial towards her but do distract your son at pickup time however you can.

This is tough. Mom Dana may have hit the nail on the head, perhaps there is something uncomfortable in her home. But you said you've suggested neutral places. I believe in telling the truth, but at a level they can understand. Could you tell your son that 'Bobby's' mom isn't ready for a play date? If he asks why, be honest and say you don't know, but Bobby is always welcome at our house when they are ready.

You never know what goes on in someone's life. I would just shrug your shoulders and move on...When your child asks why, then just calmly explain that you really don't know why the other child cannot play. It IS the truth and you don't know. Try to make it a teaching moment and explain that you just aren't going to be close friend with everyone and there are different types of relationships.

I would stop and confront the other mom in front of the kids. I would ask her why she doesn't want to do playdates with your son. She may not answer but she also needs to take some responsibility for this situation.

Tell the truth NOW.....Just tell you child, "they don't do playdates".....The other family does not owe you an explanation...we all have a right to privacy.

If your little one tells his friend what you told him about play dates....then the ball is in his mom's court.

Maybe the other mom feels awkward about the situation. My first thought was maybe she is unsure if this would be a playdate where her son would be dropped off at your house to play with your son without her being there and maybe that makes her uncomfortable,which I don't think is unreasonable if she doesn't know you well. My oldest daughter is 4 and we have lots of playdates, she is still of an age (at least I think so) that I attend the playdates with her ( and I'm friends with most of her friend's moms anyway). I'm not sure at which age mom is not invited anymore, but maybe this is what she is worked about?! She's not sure which type of play date it would be??

Hmm that is a tough one.. What if u ask the mom for her email so u don't talk about it in front of the kids.. Or so she won't feel on the spot.. I think Dana K. Has a great response.. We don't know why.. Maybe she can not host a play date.. For example my Dad told me that when he was a child it was always hard because he could never have friends over... Because his dad was an alcoholic.
Best of luck,
L.

To tell the truth, I would hand her my phone number/email address and say "we'd love to have __ over to play sometime, or to meet up at a park" and leave it at that. She's made excuses several times, I'd not keep bringing it up. You don't really know what the reason is, and it may have nothing at all to do with you or your child. They may have a home situation that you're not aware of, and it really wouldn't be your business if she doesn't choose to divulge it to you. (Not saying anything "serious", nor do I mean that to sound mean, but simply that there might be other factors...and she may not feel the desire or need to share those). Like another mom said, we all have our right to privacy.
The children are in kindergarten, which has a lot of play time. I say after handing contact info over to the friend's mom, drop it and let the children play AT SCHOOL. When they're a little older, if they're still friends and have similar interests, perhaps they could have an enrichment activity together (Tball, scouts, etc).
It isn't "hurtful" to tell the truth. I'd just tell my son, "Big man, you saw and heard me invite __ for a playdate. I gave his mom my phone number, and it's in her court. If she doesn't let him play, there's really nothing we can do about it, but you guys have fun at school together ok? Don't make your friend feel badly if he can't play, just have fun when you do see him. Maybe next year y'all can join cubscouts, or play soccer together. And of course we'll ask him to come to your birthday party". The end. Nothing else needs to be said about it because everything else would just be guessing and conjecture anyway.
As a kid, I had a friend that was a different religion and not really allowed to hang out with kids outside her church, and school was her one way to play and talk with other kids. As a young adult, I had a friend whose very traditional, strict Indian family was very hesitant to let her hang out with families outside of "the book". As an adult, a neighbor with a child 1 year older than mine would call me to come hang out, but if someone else came by she would really act like I had just showed up and she didn't know why...embarassed that I was there. I thought that was sad for her---she was very insecure and working too hard to be "the Keller mom". (My husband and I used to have a little laugh about how the clique she tried to stay with all drove the same car, all wore the same clothes (the trendy, casual but not really stuff--where they spend 45 minutes to look like they just got up and stepped out for the newspaper but had to get the look "just so"), all went to yoga and coffee afterwards (which cracks me up---counter intuitive in my opinion, to put the 2 together), etc, etc. Basically, I didn't fit the bill. I didn't wear the right clothes, look the same way, or do the same things, and that is ok. I was fine with who I am though, and didn't "play" with her after 2 or 3 times of that happening. Another mom who I've known since college married a guy who is just a real jerk. Not "abusive" in the typical sense, but he had the stupidest rules! He wanted the kids to hang out only with people he knew, the mom needed to come home and do a little list or chores, homework, have dinner on the table when he got home, and then drop everything when he was home for manditory "family time". They had to watch a litany of football, baseball, and nascar....nothing exciting, but it was what he wanted of his family. I would slit my wrists or his throat if I was married to him, but it worked for them. The kids were fine and cared for, they loved their dad and loved watching sports. But they don't go out really, at all. She may have a sick mom to care for. Or a job to get ready for. Or be super shy or have mild anxiety in social situations. Or just not LIKE the whole playdate thing. If you're my age, you'll remember that we N E V E R had "playdates". Kids just met up and played in their own neighborhoods. You saw the kids that weren't in your neighborhood at school or other activities.
It could be ANYTHING. I wouldn't sweat it at all. When she has your contact info, you've taken the step to befriend her and that is all you should do. If she's interested or able, she will take the next step.

I can see where you would feel awkward since you know she's not interested in a play date and the child keeps asking. Maybe next time you should be the one to say no and then when you get home, explain to your son that you said no because you know the other mom is not interested in setting something up. It seems to me that the other mom should be telling her son to stop asking. I know if I weren't interested, I would definitely tell my LO not to ask.

Talk to your son beforehand. Tell him pick up time is not an appropriate time to ask for playdates. Playdate planning has to be a conversation started at home, not school. Tell him that not all families are open to playdates, some are busy, and some are just not interested. He and his friend may want a playdate, but his friends parents might not say yes, and there is nothing you can do about it. They might just have to be "school friends." Since this little boy's Mom has said no every time, you should assume they are not available for playdates outside of school. It is not polite to keep persisting after having been told no several times, so he needs to stop asking at pick up time.

If the other little boy is asking YOU, your response should be that he needs to start that conversation at his home with his Mom first. His Mom may call you to make arrangments if she says yes to you two having a playdate, but he should give his Mom some time to think about it first.

I would just walk up to the other mom and say, I know you know the kids keep wanting to get together and it doesn't seem to happen. So maybe you can help me out and talk to your son/dtr and tell them they won't be getting together and to stop asking every day because its driving me crazy and I'm sure its driving you crazy too". Then tell your son that they can see each other during school but not after and that he needs to stop asking you. Hopefully something like that will work. Good luck.

I would not confront the other mom, that could lead somewhere you really don't want to go. She has her reasons, whatever they are isn't really relevant. Tell your son that dismissal is not an appropriate time to request playdates and that any playdates requested at that time will earn an automatic 'NO'. That should help curb the dismissal behavior.

My kids each have had one friend they are allowed to play with at school, but not after school. For my son it was a friend who lied and manipulated and made my son feel bad every time they played together, so we limited contact. Now that the boys are older I let them play together, however if my son starts to get a bad attitude (like the other boy) we will limit playtime. My daughter has a friend at school she adores. We tried out of school playdates and saw a dramatic increase in poor choices and acting out on dd's part. The other girl is sweet, but has absolutely no boundaries or discipline (yes, I've seen it first hand). I told dd they could play at school but since they didn't make good choices together when outside of school she couldn't see her outside school. I'm sure both of the other mom's think I'm bitchy and high-strung, but I really don't care, I'm doing what's best for my kids.

I have dogs so I do not think it best to host at my home, not because my dogs are not loving and wonderful but because not everyone thinks the way I do and I am not willing to put them in the yard or crate for the date. I will however meet at the park (we have one up the street) or an indoor place like Mc Donal's Burger King play areas. My son is "Mr. Popular" and I can not keep up with his play date wants and my volunteering at his school and the events sometimes. I got a new mom's number a week ago and still have not called, I feel badly but I too am busy!

Best way to find out the answer to ask the mom directly if she has concerns with the kids playing together. Then you will get your answer. Maybe the other kid is telling her something about your kid that you dont know. Maybe there is an insecurity. Who knows but you will never work it out until you ask her directly. I had the same issue and it turned out that the mother was just overwhelmed with twins that she didnt want to deal with scheduling. So I tried to her confortable with a playdate that wouldnt stress her out. Check it out - it could be nothing.

Ya know....some moms are just socially retarded...after all your attempts I would just ask her one day after school to go get yogurt/ice cream/whatever together right then and there......something on neutral "territory"....I'll bet two little boy's pleadings will get her to at least do that:) good luck!

Well, it sounds like HER son is doing most of the encouragement of play? Well, I say, if SHE is the one with the most adversity to this situation, then I would THINK that she would be trying to get HER child to not run over to you all... Right?

They ask to play. At the school playground? At someone's house? WHERE? Just curious. If it were at a house, I'd have a problem with my child playing everyday (regardless of who it was with) because I'd imagine it would take up MY time with my child... I'd be okay if it was once or twice a week.

What I would do? make arrangements to have my child look forward to something at a different time or place. And/or make plans MYSELF for us right after school. Say "No, sorry sweetie, we are going to do ___" or "Well, how about we do ___ together at another time instead?" the second suggestion leaves that up to YOU TWO Moms to discuss things and plan or NOT plan.

Maybe the mom just isn't interested in right after school plans, maybe the weekend will be better? or, maybe your son and her son will see that it ISN'T up to them whether they play, but up to their moms. If his mom says "No" then your son and him will know that it was her that chose that.

Maybe ask if they could play in a neutral area like a park. I new a mom that didn't want to go to someone's house because she thought she had to reciprocate and she was uncomfortable with people in her home. If that doesn't work then it's ok to be honest with your son, just say; "sweetheart I don't know why jacks mom doesn't want to set up a play date but we need to respect her decision".