My Husband Has Had a Nervous Breakdown Due to My ADHD 13 Year Old Son

It is extreemly common for parents of children with issues to need psychological help. EXTREMLY. Make an appointment for your husband with a psychiatrist, and get him the help he needs to deal with this. There are also caregiver classes though NAMI that will be helpful to both of you.

If the treatment plan for your son is not working, you need more help. If he is not getting hours a week of private therapy on top of the help he gets in school, he needs cognative behavioral therapy, social skills classes, medical therapy (access as often as he needs it until medication is working) speech and OT if needed. He should also have a developmental vision exam for motor and perceptual skills which are often comorbid and can cause homework refusal. Demand a functional behavioral assessment at school so that his homework issues become a school problem, not a home problem, and he needs a behavior plan for the "listening" issues that has only positvie behavioral interventions and supports. Go to www.wrightslaw.com to learn how to advocate for better serivces for your son, and supplement his school services with private serivces.

If you do not own your own evaluation, one with either a Developmental Pediatrician or a Neuropsychologist, then get one. Do not depend on the school to tell you what he needs, they are only there to make him funcitonal at school, you will need to provide private services such that his potential is maximized.

Read anything by Dr. Mel Levine or Dr. Russel Barkely. They explain the medical nature of ADHD and give great strategies that you can try.

This is hard work for the whole family. Seek help for the caregiver first...so that you can both help him, then get him much more help.

M.

Counseling, counseling, counseling! For the two of you and for the family. It doesn't sound like you have your son on meds - that might be a good option. Along with the ADHD your son is in puberty so everything is elevated. You need to find a good pediatric psychiatrist that is a specialist in ADHD and go from there...

Good luck, positive thoughts sent your way...

Your family needs some outside intervention--now! Teenagers with ADHD are difficult to deal with. Because of hormonal and growth issues, sometimes it is difficult to get their medication adjusted correctly. Get medical help now and also family counseling to learn how to deal with these problems.

Even if he were your husbands own son and was "special needs" he would feel this way. It's soooo frustrating. My BIL and SIL have a 23 yr old with issues, he has run their life since he was born and still does, BUT they finally found some resources like "job core" to help them out.
The reality is that your son may live with and depend on you for the rest of your life, possibly no empty nest syndrome in your future.
A call to Social Services explaining to someone who cares and relates to what you are going through can work wonders.... there may be some camps or other things going on that will get your son out of the house and give you a break now and then. They will also teach you how to deal and not make huge issues out of things like homework and such, there are ways to make all of that easier. Start calling around and join a group with adhd kids so you can vent and also learn about what's out there to help.

You need to find a family counselor NOW. Also, your husband needs to see his medical doctor today. Perhaps the doctor can refer you all to family counseling -you need to go there intensively with no delay! Always remember though -this is your son. As much as you love your husband (and it sounds like he's just reached his breaking point -and difficult kids will drive you there), your son comes first. Hubby must get some help on his own and with the whole family. You let him know he is never, ever again to utter the words that he wants you to "give your son away." Let him know that you want to support him and for all of you to get a lot of help, but at the end of the day, your son comes before anyone.

Oh, my! It sounds like you are caught between the proverbial rock and a hard place. You love your son and your husband, and you are a family. You don't get too specific, which is all right. I have not been in this particular place, but my husband and I have had a difficult time adjusting the demands of two little ones under the age of 4. What has helped us has been getting some counseling for both of us. This has allowed us to focus on our needs and gain strategies for dealing with our particularly spirited older kiddo. The counselor also has resources within the community she's been able to direct us to for daycare/babysitter situations, which might help with your break issue. Even if your husband refuses to go, you could go. (My husband has only gone three times to my 25-30 in the past year, but by me learning strategies, our marriage and ability to cope with our kids have improved significantly. You will be in my thoughts...

Oh, Transforming the Difficult Child was a book that really helped me when teaching my kids with ADHD. Terrible title, but very effective strategies. Raising your Spirited Child has been helpful to me as a parent.

Your husband needs to get some medical and psychological help right away.

He must feel like he is a failure because he cannot change, control or help your son. Men are fixers.. They are used to just fixing it..

Explain to him that son cannot be changed or fixed, he is who he is and instead you will all need to learn some strategies that will help son get through his differences.
His brain is just wired differently. ADHD children can be very creative, very strong and very positive, when they are allowed to just be themselves.

My husband is ADHD. I have known him since he was 13. His parents (mom) had such a difficult time getting him to do what they wanted him to do. It has left my husband feeling like a failure in his parents eyes. And yet, my husband is successful. He is funny, extremely creative and extremely bright. He can look at just about anything and know instinctively how and why it works.

He hated homework. He felt like if he knew how to do it, why did he need to to the entire page? Or He would finally do all of the homework and forget to turn it in! Drove his mother crazy.. So now there are things he just does his own way. It may seem illogical to others, but it gets done.

You and your husband with the help of professionals, need to help son figure out some coping skills.. Maybe on his homework if he has mastered the task, he can do every other problem. If writing is too cumbersome, see f they will allow him to use a keyboard to type it out. Does he have an IEP at school? This would also allow him some of these differences so that he can get the work done, but with some extensions and some individual needs.

There is nothing wrong with being different, but you all need to learn what makes your son tick and get moving.. He is just wired differently. It is not a bad thing, but it can be frustrating if you do not have tools to help you also think differently..

I am sending you strength.

Your husband needs to go to his doc asap and get on some anti-anxiety meds. He doesn't need to take them forever, he just needs some help for awhile until he learns how to handle this stress.

You both need to get some support for how best to help your son. Whether you go to support groups, the school or whatnot, you need to do this today.

Wow-Your husband should definitley be seen by a professional. Is there somewhere that you and your son can go for a while so he can pull it together. You do know that your first responsibility should be to your child-as difficult as he may be. And I sincerely hope that your son did not have to hear him say that he wants to give him away. I am not sure that their relationship can recover if he did hear this. Parental love should be unconditional....and when it is so obviously not, well then that person is not really a parent is he? Just a name on a piece of paper.

Also-think about how your husband acts towards your son....could it be possible that HE is the reason that your son is acting up???????

l'd get into a medical Dr asap and see if they can recommend a good local counselor for your husband and family. Husband may want to consider an anti-depressant to help deal with the anxiiety and stress so he may need to see a psychiatrist too, A good Dr can teach him how to cope and handle this situation better. Regular vigorus excercise each day will also help you, your husband and son cope, encourage it daily for all. Is there a gym in town your family can join? Mom,is your son on meds? if not I would consider it too and individual counseling to help him deal with his ADHD, Your family needs to learn methods on how to cope with your son's problem. Are you church goers? If so, I would also recommend husband go in as often as needed and talk to your pastor or priest for advice and suggestions to help. Make an appt today to go to school and meet privately with the principal and guidance dept to get suggestions of help to get your son to listen and be more responsible. THey had to have dealt with this before. Ensourage your son to excersie daily too in additon to going to school and doing chores etc. Try to find your son's passion if you can Mom and steer him in that direction to volunteer in that field or learn more about it so he can have an outlet and be redirected too, it may also be something he can do with Dad. Remember also to hug and praise his good behavior too always. Another thought, is there a martial arts school in your area? Martial arts will teach your son discipline and also good values and provide great exercise, out daughter did it for 6 yrs and there were many children in her youth class that had ADD and ADHD and it helped them learn to listen better. Give the Master a heads up confidentially that this in one of the reasons you are putting your son in the class if he is interested in taking classes. Mom and Dad realize too that your son is starting to go thru puberty too so some of this rebellion and not listening to parents and authority figures should be attributed to this too. Hugs to you and prayers too. Keep us posted
Add on:
After hearing your response, I 'd look into a good military boarding school for your son, Sounds like he needs a great deal of structure that it would provide. Cut bk if you have to in order to send him there. Good luck

Hubby needs to calm down, first. He won't be any good to you or your son if he's in the hospital with a coronary. You never mentioned if your son is on meds or not. There is something new going on with your kid, perhaps, that is making him act rebellious. Call his school counselor, if you haven't been in touch already, ask him if there are any bullying problems or notify him of your son's behavior. Your son doesn't need to know that you called. At least you are taking steps to investigate if there is a problem at school. Counselors are pretty clued into bullying and social issues so I am hoping that he or she knows how to go about things tactfully and not make things awkward for him at school. Good luck.

any help from school? Counselors? Doctors etc? Medication for son? Counseling for family?

Military School?

I get that your hubby lost his cool and that is not good. However, a 13 year old, just basically NOT listening and who has obviously NO RESPECT for you or hubby or school or teachers or anything?

C'mon now...something needs to change with your son. Is he on medication?

your husband needs help, your son needs help, a dr wouldn't be a bad idea at this point if your husband THE ADULT is acting this way

Why is your son being so defiant? Is he on meds ?? I feel for your whole family. Your poor husband is in need of a doctor. Please get your family the help it needs today. If your husband is making threats and he is in a bad mental state. Do not take the threats lightly. Remove your son and yourself and get help.