Child Throwing Tantrums in School

ADD doesn't excuse spitting on teachers, throwing himself on the floor, or having a meltdown because he lost a competition.
Medication isn't going to solve that either.
Swift, consistent consequences for unacceptable behavior will. Stopping the BMX because of his unsportsmanlike behavior was a good call.

I'm sorry he's having a tough time.

I note that you mention counseling but not getting a medical diagnosis for him. Please put the diagnosis first; you need to know what exactly a counselor would be dealing with. You mention "looking to the options" for what you think is ADD -- but you don't even know for certain it is ADD or anything else diagnosable, or whether he has no "condition" at all but needs a new routine of discipline and a lot of work on maturity.

You truly need to get him to professionals for diagnoses, and you also need to be prepared to hear that he does not have a diagnosis because he doesn't have a condition....Just as you need to be prepared to at least research and consider meds IF meds are what is needed instead.

If you and his mom just won't get him any diagnosis out of fear a doctor will want you to medicate, well, please do get him counseling immediately. Hasn't he already seen the school counselor? I am surprised if the school has not involved the counselor already and/or said that he is at risk of suspension if he touches another teacher or student.

Starting school (kindergarten) was really hard for us with my son, who is very smart, gifted, but also very strong-willed, and very active. If you think about it, starting school is REALLY HARD, especially for boys. Suddenly, they are expected to sit still, follow rules, not play too rough, not speak out of turn, color, cut & paste, have good handwriting, etc. It's really hard! Our son doesn't have ADD, but he does have an explosive temper that he's learning to control. If you think your grandson has ADD, then seek and get a diagnosis. Don't self diagnose, and potentially label him with a condition unnecessarily, especially if you're not willing to medicate or treat the condition, if that's what it is. I think there are things you can do proactively to manage YOUR grandson's response to certain situations, if this is just a maturity issue and not a medical issue.
A few books that were helpful for us were by Ross Greene, a counselor who specializes in a technique called "collaborative problem solving". "Lost at School" and "the Explosive Child" were the ones I read, along with "how to talk so your kids will listen and listen so kids will talk". The things I learned were first, kids try to do their best and explode in tantrums because they can't emotionally cope with circumstances. To help them through this, they need to develop some tools to manage their response in the immediate crisis, and then figure out a separate coping mechanism strategy for the adults in their lives.
In my experience, quick consequences often escalated the situation & made it worse. And I really needed to manage MY response - try to avoid getting frustrated, take a deep breath, have patience, compassion, but still take charge. Talking about my son's tantrums separate from the incident allowed us to figure out a collaborative solution calmly. Some of our strategies include simply acknowledging my son's feelings, and letting my son take a break. Example: "I see you are very upset that you can't stay at the playground. I wish we could stay but we have to go home for dinner. Please take 2 minutes to quiet your thoughts before we go home. At that time, I expect you to come to the car with no fussing." Even separating himself for a few minutes to breathe deeply and be angry helps him calm down despite the disappointment! I'm sometimes shocked at how well it works. Then separately from the incident, talk about what happened. "I like going to the park after school, but I worry that if we go, you won't want to leave, and we'll miss dinner. What can we do to solve this?" Let him help come up with a mutually agreeable plan, remind him of that plan before you get into the incident, and then execute the plan.
The more he gets used to a pattern of successful solutions & strategies and managing his response, the easier it will be.
Good luck!
I would also add that my son is now in 2nd grade and although he's still strong-willed, actual tantrums are now pretty rare. His routine is pretty consistent, and when we think there's a risk of a meltdown, we talk about it ahead of time, and try to invoke some of the coping strategies as a solution. Not only has he grown up and has more emotional maturity, but he's also got a better set of behavioral tools to calm him down and work through any particular situation.

I am really confused about his home environment. You say you have had him since he was a small baby but now you only have him all weekend. Then you say his parents are hands on and he has siblings. You also don't mention having the other two boys. Then you and his mother are adverse to medication.

Sooo? If I can't figure this out I would imagine you have a very confused boy there

I'm so sorry that he is going through such a tough time. It sounds like he is really struggling. Sounds like he is a sensitive child and very impulsive. Unfortunately, these behaviors are going to prevent him from learning. They are also going to prevent him from building healthy relationships.

Here are my suggestions:

1) Request a meeting with the school to discuss the areas of concern
2) Get him evaluated by a child psychologist to get an accurate diagnosis
3) Consider putting him on meds to help with some of these behavioral issues. The longer term effect of these mental health issues at school are far greater than medicating him. In fact, medication doesn't have to be a forever thing. It can be temporary--just to get some of these extreme behaviors under control.

I think, if what you're saying here is true, you need to have him fully evaluated to properly diagnose and treat him. You can't have him treated based on a hunch.

I have ADHD. My boys have ADD and ADHD (1 each). None of them are violent, throw tantrums, or yell. These behaviors are not hallmarks of ADD or ADHD. You need to have him evaluated to determine what the next step is. If he has, for instance, some type of high functioning autism, you need to know that there are some specific things you could be doing to help him that are common for kids on the spectrum. If he does have ADHD, he SHOULD be medicated properly so he can begin to be successful and have a measure of control over his inattention and hyperactivity. He needs PROPER treatment. Don't dismiss medication. If he turns out to be having some kind of seizure activity, you wouldn't hesitate to but him on an anticonvulsive...it should be the same with any brain disorder.

First of all meet with the school psychologist. If he is behaving this way at school they will probably recommend that anyway.
Second, don't try to diagnose and then make medication assumptions so easily. Diagnosing ADD is a long process of evaluation that involves his pediatrician, school professionals, a pediatric psychologist/psychiatrist and his parents. IF he is in fact diagnosed then medication is one option, and should not be automatically discounted. If he was having seizures and the docs recommended meds would you say no? Of course not. This is no different. Mental disorders need to be treated not ignored.
So start with the school psychologist or counselor and go from there.

So, he's got ADD for which you are trying to not medicate him for (try not taking your meds and see how you feel - that is how he feels all day, every day) and his father is not in his life (which he is reminded of constantly because he is with his father's family) and then you wonder why he's angry? Have him evaluated for ADD/ADHD and then get him into counseling as soon as possible. He's probably gotten worse because there is much more activity in his world now that he's in school and the ADD/ADHD is making it really hard for him to be the good boy he really wants to be. Please get him help NOW!

I got halfway through your post and thought, "This kid has ADHD." My younger daughter is exactly like that. She just has these moments where life becomes WAY too much for her - any extreme excitement, disappointment, or frustration will lead to a meltdown. At this point, I think you have two options. The first is to medicate him. ADHD, as I'm sure you already know, is a brain wiring disorder. There's nothing you can do externally that will solve that problem. Medication helps as long as he's on it, and will metabolize quickly.

The second option is to remove him from the environment that is over-stimulating him. This could mean putting him in a school that caters to children like this (maybe Waldorf or Montessori), or homeschool him.

My daughter has not responded well to medications (she experiences some less-common side effects, such as extremely cold hands and feet), so we homeschool now. It is working well, but of course on days when we do exciting things, or when she gets very frustrated, she still melts down. And when that happens, we go back to the strategies we have used since she was a toddler - quiet room, no stimulation, allow her to calm down on her own. ADHD makes for a challenging personality, but it also makes for creativity and passion in life.

You need to have a heart to heart with your daughter, she needs to talk to the pediatrician and/or child psychologist and I think she should also talk to the counselor, as he/she may be able to be the link between home and school and provide him tools to use in school (like a calming card and a visit with him/her instead of a trip to the principal's office). He/she may also offer continuity from class to class and grade to grade, and offer his/her own perspective on medications, options and other resources.

I'm confused with his home life. He has siblings and a Mom but you have him but now on the weekends every weekend? What about his siblings? I think his mother needs to get involved with this situation.

He needs a proper evaluation both psychological and physical. Once there is a firm diagnosis then medication options can be decided upon. Honestly, I really don't care if you are adverse to medicating him. Its what is in his best interest that matters.

I think this child needs to spend more time with his Mom and siblings.

I would wager a guess that he is angry about his Dad. Not sure why he isn't in this young boy's life but that could be a trigger.

But that is just my take on this. Because I'm confused.

In addition to the other suggestions given.

When he spit on the recess teacher were there any repercussions besides a mere, "I am sorry"?

He needs to learn that there are consequences for his behavior. Have him help the recess teacher early morning or after school with equipment or something when others are free to play.

Children know with whom to throw tantrums. There is NO WAY he'd spit on a 5th grader or a stranger in the grocery store. The recess teacher and select others are easy targets for him as he has learned to recognize who cannot retaliate.

Allow family members to chastise or punish him, in addition to rewarding his good behavior.

Have him do a chore for that poor recess teacher--who is probably a para and not a certified PE teacher. She did not deserve that.

Our son exhibited those behaviors in his early days dealing with ADHD-combined type. However, he also has ODD now and it very well could be part of that, too. My point: Your grandson needs to be seen by a child psychiatrist or neuropsychologist to determine what's going on, if anything. A skilled expert needs to do a thorough assessment.

You're way ahead of things having an opinion about medication. You need a diagnosis first, then the parents need to work with the medical experts on a treatment plan, if one is needed. Unless you're board-certified in psychiatry, you really shouldn't have an opinion about medication. It's kind of like saying you have an opinion about heart surgery. It's silly. Medication is used to treat a medical condition. If you and his parents are closed-minded about the best treatment for your grandson as advised by the medical experts, it's going to be a huge roadblock in giving him a quality life.

The best thing you can do right now is to advise his parents to get him in with specialists (a counselor can't talk away brain disorders) and support whatever treatment plan is recommended.

So sorry to hear this. I do want to say that kids who have tantrums at this age don't necessarily have ADHD. Some are just difficult personalities. I know kids who were like this even up to higher grades.

Your husband is doing the right thing by cutting out activities that trigger the meltdowns. Another thing that is hard to do, but you and the parents should be doing, is to take him home when he has a tantrum, if you are out and about. And he needs to stay in his room for at least an hour as a consequence for ruining everyone else's time out.

Another thing to make sure that you all do is get him put to bed at the same time every night. He should have a pretty strict schedule and not be allowed to vary too much from it. He is old enough to have a talking to about his behavior, but not in the middle of a tantrum.

I do think that finding a counselor would be helpful, but mostly, you all just have to ride it through with him, give him consequences for his behavior and NEVER give him what he wants when he does it. If he can't play games without having a fit, no games. If he has a tantrum if you say it's time to leave the park, no park. If he can't play with friends without getting into a fight, no play dates. You have to pick the activities he can do, or modify activities so that he can have success doing them. As he grows older, keep trying.