My Husband Acts Mad That I Am Pregnant and We Were Ttc!

I think he's being very selfish and also not being grown up about the situation. If having children wasn't on the agenda then maybe he should have been more responsible in preventing you from becoming pregnant. Maybe he's having the baby blues or maybe he has a change of heart. I think counseling is needed, however you can't force a person to be a parent that doesn't want to be.

Don’t go anywhere, give it time to marinate maybe even a month. Always be around just incase he want to spill the beans about his feelings and thoughts. I wouldn’t do anything that would put me or my baby at risk so if he doesn’t want to help you around the house with things you can no longer do then leave it undone, he will do it eventually without you bringing it up. But if you have giving it its good time to marinate and he has not said anything then you will have to sit and talk clearly about it. But I do think its just reality setting in and he just need to get adjusted.

He's terrified. Don't go to mom's. Are you newly married & this is the first child? LOTS of stuff will have the potential to run to your moms but you married this man and now you're making a baby with him. THIS is your family. You shouldn't run from it. Congratulations. He'll come around. He needs to wrap his head around this responsibility.

Like my maternity yoga teacher once said, "Men get pregnant in a different way than women!" LOL and that is SO true! Men experience this in a whole different way, and I think for 99% of men, they go through a period of total panic. My husband refused to even be in the house when I took the little home pregnancy tests - either time! I mean, he left for an entire day both times and didn't even answer his cell phone. What the heck! And THEN, with baby #1 he decides we need to buy a new house when I was 8 months pregnant (because packing up my house was exactly what I needed to be doing then... NOT). With baby #2, he decided to totally remodel the house. And by total remodel, I mean that the house had one wall left standing, and the rest of the walls and roof were GONE. I had to move in with my parents when the baby was born because there was no house left! (It was at this moment when my yoga teacher made her wise observation...)

But you will be glad to know that they DO come around. My husband is a total Super Dad now. Both of our little girls have him wrapped around their fingers, and he is such a family man.

Take heart, your husband just needs some time to come around. He may also feel guilty if you're having any morning sickness, and he may be worried about how it will affect your health, how it will affect your marriage... once he has some time to talk to his buddies with wives and kids, he will calm down.

Congrats on your pregnancy! =)

I'm assuming this is your first child? Sounds to me hubby is scared. Reality hit. Making a baby and fantasizing about the future is fun!! But actual having a baby can freak men out. They start worrying about money, where you live, how their lives will change, most importantly how they will lose their #1 status. When you have a quite moment with him have a talk. " "Honey I am a little confused, we were trying to get pregnant, what changed?" I bet he pours out all his fears. Listen to him, tell him it's scarey for you too, but also so exciting and you want him to be happy about it, ask him what can you do to aliviate his concerns? Don't run to your mother's house. You are married and made a decision to try to get preggers and to be a family, try to work it out, before you make drastic decision.

First he is morethenlikely scared or fearfully of the unknown future, even if you are/were trying to conceive, as the other mom's said it is one thing to be trying and another actually have conceived.

Secondly, as no one has mentioned this, he is an engineer. My hubby also is an engineer and boy do their minds work differently then everyone else. I have been married for 5 years to my hubby (knew him 3 years before we got married) and have a daughter together. Now we were not trying to conceive when I got pregnant (I was on birth control) but your daughter is a blessing. When I told hubby I was pregnant his eyes got wide, and his mind went mile a minute (I could see the wheels working), to this day I still do not know everything he was thinking because he only told me bit and pieces but in the end it came down to he was fearful of all the possibility and how life will be different. As an engineer he was trying to calculating all the possibility, variables and so on about that new adventure to come and is overwhelmed. Now I am not sure what kind of engineer your hubby is but mine is a mechanical design engineer and all day long at work he trouble shots, redesigns, new designs, calculates and so on... THAT is what he was trying to do with the information I gave him and it simple overwhelmed him (cost of items, even if you are sitting pretty engineers think about cost efficient, school, cost of school, if it is girl dating, boy sports, and so on). Finally we had many long talks over dinners out and we finally were able to move from the "ahhhhhhhhh, over load" to "awesome, lets do this."

One last thing, he might have wanted to start trying but might have had in his mind that you would not conceive so soon... he might have had a time frame in his head (very engineerish to do) and mess with that and they get over loaded from that too.

Just talk, try to get him to open up and lastly DO NOT sleep over at mom's unless he is a threat to you and your baby (violent, in which case you might want to get out now). You need to work through this as husband wife, those moving the boxes thing leave it be till you both are on the same page.

I'm afraid it doesn't sound too unusual. I'm sorry. That hurts. You want more than anything to embrace this beautiful new presence that you can already feel entering your life--whatever it may bring, your body, hormones, and therefore your entire being are already responding--and he just doesn't feel it. To him, it's a surprise, and one that all practical knowledge (cause that's all he has right now) tells him is expensive, causes big changes in his life and your relationship, and maybe, just maybe, he is already fearing that you might start to love the baby more than him.

Stay with him. Try not to be hurt--remember he doesn't have all those hormonal things happening to ready him for this. All he has is you, and you will need to overpower his fears, but only after doing whatever you can to understand what they really are and reassure him that you are together, no matter what, and that you are a team that can make it through the incredible growth you are about to experience.

As far as the boxes and moving things, though, you will have to ask him to help you or you will have to leave it to later when he is not feeling so worried.

If he still acts like this after a week or two, please consider finding a perinatal counselor who can help you both find common ground and help ease his fears while giving you more support.

We have 5 kids and my husband was NEVER excited during any of my pregnancies. He was actually quite ambivilent, atleast on the outside. Fast forward 9 months and he was wrapped around their little pinkies almost immediately, in complete awe of the life we just created and would lay down his life for our kids. He makes sure they know how much he loves each and every one of them every single day! During the pregnancies he did come to as many appointments as he could, every sonogram, provided me with whatever I was craving along with foot massages, but never ever talked to my tummy or gushed over the shower gifts and cute baby stuff. He was worried...worried about finances and the unknown.

Give him time...he's in shock. I know it's easy for me to say but having gone through the moody, brooding hubby 5 times I know what to expect and although would occasionally get mad, I'd make jokes about it so we'd both feel better.

Please stay at your house. I know you're in a delicate way emotionally but you might feel worse if you leave.

Take a deep breath and take care of you and your little one!

Best wishes!!

Yes, his life (as he has known it) is over. Babies represent a huge load of responsibility, work, expense, challenge, exhaustion. Reality has just hit, and he's only feeling that part of it right now. He's doubting whether he's up to it.

Feelings are always legitimate and it's unhealthy to try to deny them. You'll notice this is true for you, too. Don't try to talk him out of his feelings. Find parallel feelings in yourself and share with him how you are excited but anxious and a little overwhelmed, too. Wondering what the future will be like. Wondering how the two of you can shape your future experience with a baby in the family.

Give him just a little space for his male problem-solving instincts to kick in. It may not happen instantly – that's okay. Shock takes awhile to resolve sometimes. Hitting him with another shock, like leaving him abruptly, will only make things worse.

Leaving in a pout could be seen as manipulative, and could drive a wedge that will be hard to dissolve later. Give him a little empathy and space (women are usually much better at empathy than men). He'll probably be alternating between terror and enthusiasm for the next 18 years. Nothing easy about parenting – but it does have its sweet rewards along the way.

If he's not able to return the favor of empathy with your feelings for awhile, find someone who can – maybe this will be your mom, but don't go "running home" to her. Just hang out or phone enough to get your own emotional needs met.

If it makes you feel any better when we found out I was pregnant I just about had a nervous breakdown (even though we were ttc) and have worried nonstop about money, time, ect. I am a couple months from delivering and still feel pretty crummy about the prospect of caring for a baby...but my husband appears mostly thrilled...so maybe it takes both kinds in every pregnancy :). I felt the same way during my first pregnancy, but thought this time would be easier because I absolutely, positively adore my little boy and being his mom...but no...

** I just read your update:
Wow. Your Husband is really digging in his heals. So sorry.
He seems to be acting like a little overgrown Toddler about it all... but meanwhile, reality of a baby is still there.. and he will have to adjust. It won't go away. And the more he 'resents' you or 'blames' you... the worse it will get. He needs to come to terms with the pregnancy. Isn't there some other guy in his life, a good influence, that can talk to him??? Maybe he needs to commiserate with another guy about it all.... and pregnancy....

Men... it can take time for them to feel the 'nesting' instinct and to feel as a woman does, when pregnant. They have their own concerns about life/babies/family too. Its nerve wracking and a major life adjustment... which he is probably in a state of shock! But hopefully, he will adjust... and transition to the concept of him being a "Dad".... AND still, a Husband. And that life is not 'over'... but just changing.

Being pregnant is a major "rite of passage' in any adult. It takes getting used to the thought of ACTUALLY having a baby.
It is a like a caterpillar changing into a Butterfly.... and he will do that.
It is a major "adult" milestone... to becoming pregnant and becoming a parent. It is "becoming"... that entity and person. It is not automatic.... and it continually.... is learned and adapted and changes and we, learn from it too... as parents... becoming different, improving, flexing our feelings and brains and creativity... to BECOME, our best... for baby, for family, as a Dad.... and it is also, trial and error.... with the road leading to, hopefully.... joy... and being the best Dad AND Husband/spouse, we can be.... amidst ALL the juggling that a parent does....
we have a 'learning curve" about it too.... from trying to conceive, to becoming pregnant, to becoming a parent to our baby who is birthed... and grows up, as a part of our lives....

He can take parenting classes too, or talk to other Dads/friends, who are hopefully, GOOD positive role models of what a "Dad" is... and who have a "MATURE" outlook on it, and is real... maybe, he will gain confidence then... about having a baby... and that life does not 'end' with a Baby... it GROWS and becomes.... whole.

I heard the musician Sting talk recently about being a Dad to like 6 children, and being a "Dad"... and he said, his FAMILY and kids... is what life is about and what makes him happy... NOT celebrity-hood or being 'cool' or independent. It is his life... and how he makes it... and he values, utmost, his kids. He still has a life, a career, his interests... but he is PRIMARILY a Dad.
Hearing him talk about it, was very revealing and inspiring.
Maybe, your Husband, can visit his website.... I am sure he has one. Maybe he will get inspired... about parenthood, that way.

all the best,
Susan

Men take time to adjust to new ideas. I would allow him some time to adjust to the change. For women, pregnancy is a very different concept than it is for men. Most men worry a lot about being able to support the family. He will most likely turn around. If not, talk to a counselor. They should be able to help.

Ah, men. They are SO frustrating sometimes!! My husband was the same way when I was pregnant and even throughout the 1st year of our son's life, he waffled between being in complete love & adoration of our son to being like, "omg my life is over". He loved our son from the getgo but it took 14 months for him to really adjust to fatherhood. We laugh about it now and we are at a great place but it was NOT funny when I was going through pregnancy and new motherhood and having to worry about HIM on top of it all. Having a baby is a HUGE lifechanger and it does mean that your own life is over in a way (certainly you can't be selfish anymore) and unfortunately men have a much harder time coping with this change than women. Having a baby probably sounded great to him when it was a theory -- now that it has become a reality, he's thinking of the realistic implications of a new baby on finances, romance, way of life, etc. and it's freaking him out. Give him some time to adjust and don't try to make him feel guilty for feeling the way that he does. I had a hard time accepting my husband's struggle to adjust and I was passive aggressive, making him feel guilty about not feeling the way that he "should". But that just made him worse because then he felt like he needed to be responsible for this baby AND be responsible for keeping me happy. Another task! Once I stopped putting that pressure on him, he improved and now, like I said, 14 months later, we're like how we were before our son (happy, content, flirting with each other again!). Whew. Wasn't fun when I was going through it but most likely, your husband will come around. Don't let him get away with everything though -- like that boxes comment. Not good! Tell him you understand that he's having a hard time with dealing with this change and you're scared too but it's not acceptable for him to expect you to hurt yourself and the baby b/c he's not up to picking up teh boxes =P Lastly, if his attitude doesn't change and he seems to sink into a true depression, seek counseling for him and for yourself. But don't leave the house b/c whether he shows it or not, he needs you right now to be dependable and to help him through this. Just give him lots of love, space and tiem and he'll come around. And if he's up for it, try to communicate and get him to tell you what's bugging him exactly so you can commisserate about how BOTH or your lives are changing. Best of luck and congrats!

Wow! All these responses are so positive! Listen to these ladies, because it just made me angry!

I can totally understand reality hitting and making your husband ambivalent about your pregnancy. That's soooooooo normal for guys. The lady who said that men get pregnant in a different way than women makes so much sense. My husband wouldn't participate in any "getting ready" activities before our son was born, but he fell madly in love with him the second he laid eyes on him.

I just worry about the lifting thing. That's way beyond ambivalent. That's "I want you to hurt yourself so you won't have this baby". Maybe I'm wrong, but that just doesn't seem normal. I would definitely give him time to work this through, but if he doesn't, I'd suggest you get him into counseling if at all possible.

Hopefully, it's all just a panic reaction and he'll come around. Good luck!

It's one thing when you're ttc and another when you finally succeed! He is probably just realizing that all that fun has created a lifetime of commitment--and maybe he didn't think it would happen so soon. It must be difficult for you to be so excited and him to be so worried. I think just give him some time and hopefully he will come around. You know how engineers are!!

Don't go to your mom's. Find another friend to share your news with and be excited with for now. Good luck and I hope Dad gets excited once you start showing!!

I got pregnant a month after my husband and I got married. Our first year was quite the ordeal with us getting use to each other and my pregnancy hormones thrown in there. We made it through and now have three kids and one more on the way. Give him some time to let it sink in. Hopefully he will return to being happy. You make sure you don't lift anything heavy now. It's really important to have someone else do that....maybe a family member or best friend could help you move some stuff. Congratulations on you pregnancy !!

S., first, if you aren't involved in a church with family activites, I would suggest getting into one. Second, pray. God can do anything and everything. Your husband maybe going through all the things mentioned here, but regardless his love for you and the blessing you are carrying should over ride his own personal feelings of self. Not to be "too" religious, but speaking from experience some men do not change. My daughter is 4 and her father has yet to spend a single moment with her. He said he didn't want kids, and obviously that is the case. He supports us financially when i make an issue, but nothing otherwise. I have accepted the fact, and really just left it in God's hands, but for your sake, do what is best for you and the child you are carrying. I will say a special prayer for you and your husband. Take care.

Hi Samamtha.

Just wanted to share this with you. I desperately wanted my son. I purposely conceived him. And when I found out I was pregnant, I was overjoyed. Then about 2 days later, I sat on the couch and bawled. It had hit me - the overwhelming responsibility I would be facing. Bringing a child into the world - would he be healthy? could I be a good mom? would he have what he needs? my life would never be about me again... Just all the things we face when bringing a child into the world. I was OVERJOYED and TERRIFIED at the same time. My guess is your husband might be experiencing something like this. As tough as it is to deal with him right now, give him love and time. And I have little doubt that when he sees that baby's face, he'll be a changed man. (If not before...) Congratulations.

My advice would be don't run away from the problem if you want to call it that. Becoming a mom and dad is a very very big step in life...and yes a life altering decision has been made...
You need to stay there, and give your husband some space to adjust, and it may take awhile, but hopefully he will come around.
My mom always said "if you wait until you think you can afford a child, you will never have one". Having a child is a big responsibiltiy - but if the Lord blessed you with a child He will provide the means for you as mom and dad to raise it if you give Him the chance. That doesn't mean that life will be all rosy with your bundle of joy, but blessed by the life added to your world.
Hang in there, give some space, all people do not accept the role of parenting the same...
My husband of 24 years married me with 4 yr old twins, he was fine with it and seemed to enjoy the children and me before we married. Once we married, he seemed to freeze with the responsibility he had taken on... almost to the point of shutting down. We had quite a few years in there that we struggled... 3 1/2 years into the marriage we had our first child - he turned into a different person. We were the exception to the rule, having children improved our marriage. For the longest he treated me best when the twins and our children were around. I was practically ignored then, and now 24 years of many many ups and downs and the youngest of our two soon to be 18, he seems to want me around - wow 24 years! Go figure that one... it was my faith in the good Lord above that held me through the ups and downs...and He carried me through with the support of family and freinds.
Good luck and best wishes in your marriage and especially with a little one. Once he sees the precious little face or maybe even before he will melt and realize he was more ready than he had imagined. Although, you are really never prepared for the change a child can make, it is a joyful change that is such a blessing. Work - but a blessing!

MB

Tricky situation here. I think you are right to stick with him. Going to your mom's will escalate the problem. Hang in there. If you stay positive he will come around (hopefully).

One thought, about the boxes -- maybe hire the neighborhood kid to come help you. Maybe your hubby will 'wake up' when you tell him you spent $40 to have someone come help you do the simple things he wouldn't help you do.

Why were you guys trying to conceive (is that what ttc stands for?) if he is not ready? Perhaps he thought he was ready, but now is worried about money. My husband was the same way. He worried (and still does worry) about the economy and money and house payments, etc. Maybe he wants you to be a SAHM and doesn't think you could afford it if you aren't working.

Give him some breathing room. He'll come around. He's probably thinking things out in his mind. In a week or so calmly talk to him about all this. You are right - DONT make any rash decisions like going to your mom's.

Wow, sounds like you were more mentally/ emotionally prepared than he is/was. Give it some days and hopefully you both can discuss this as adults, and he will be able to share what is troubling him.

In the meantime keep yourself centered, enjoy each day and take good care of your health. If you believe in the power of prayer, please pray for your husband and baby.

PS: I am so curious to know how young your husband is? If he continues to feel this way about the responsibility of having children, you need to think this over.

N.

O.k not sure this helps much but today my husband took our oldest to a baseball game and yesterday he went to work with Dad so I haven't seen either one of them really for 2 days. I was with my other two boys since we couldn't afford for everyone to see a baseball game and plus it was the birthday gift to the oldest. During dinner the two younger boys said "mom wouldn't it be weird if Zach and Dad didn't live with us?" "maybe if they were never in our lives?". I sat and thought about it a few minutes and said "Yes, we'd all be different people without either one of them." I share this with you because I never had children until I met the man I'm with I was 36 when I had my first child. I worked in the criminal justice system for 17 yrs I left to live a different life after 5 yrs after another divorce, I'm now 46 I can't remember all my feelings of my past life (so to speak). What I mean is they all have added something I didn't know I was missing until all of them have now come into my life. I thought 15 years ago helping my up and rising 7 yr marriage (husband) in real estate was it...we were coming into money and kids well they still yet were to be later...later never came but he changed our lives by leaving me for someone else.....
With all that said him leaving me was the best thing that happened I never would have met who i met had children and now be where I am at...no not rich with money by far but i have something I cried about for 5 yrs being alone, no parents and my one and only sibling well we are 8 yrs apart and she has issues. My kids well complete me and still yet when an old friends hear I have kids they say "no, you really you were so all about politics and your job" I said and still say "yes I was but people change and I wish all of them came into my life sooner but I'm glad they are all here now", I can't really recall the feeling of not wanting children, nor me only being about my job. Now I'm known as Zachary's mom and my other two boy's first names mom when I got to school...I couldn't wear a prouder title my old title at my old job well who cares what it was I'm Zach's mom and that's all that matters...my husband says the same we don't have first name's anymore and don't care we are proud parents of our kids.
Your husband will come around it will be fine I was afraid with our first child kept my old last name just in case I would go back into politics I wanted Judge's to remember me guess what they' re all retired now...lol