Would This Bother You.. - Nutley,NJ

Updated on May 14, 2012
S.E. asks from Caldwell, NJ
29 answers

so for some backround.. ,my fiances parents have been divorced since he was very young.. i wana say like 4 yrs old.. they are both remarried and both have a child with their new spouces (mom has 18yr old son father has 13 yr old daughter) my fiance has always been much closer with his mother and stepfather than with his father and step mother
now on to my question.. to me it seems as if his father really could care less that we're having a baby girl in july and in a very short amount of time he will be a grandfather.. i mean he rarley calls .. when they do talk usually my fiance calls him all he asks about it when are you coming to get my old pickuptruck so i can stop paying insurance on it and hows work and then thats the end of the conversation.. he never asks about anything at all.. the other day my fiance called to wish his little sister happy birthday and it was the first time she heard that we were having a girl.. which we have known about since i hit the 20week mark.. im 29 weeks right now, so basically her father never even thought to mention it to her.. i dont know it just seems weird.. he and his mother talk all the time and shes always askign about me how im feeling how docs appointments are going, just baby stuff in general..
anyway i didnt wana make a big deal about it but i asked my fiance like.. does your dad just not really care it seems like hes not really that into the whole baby thing.. and fiance said something like you know how they are theyre just like boring people i dont think my dad ever gets excited about anything.. it doesnt seem to bother my fiance one bit.. i guess hes just used to it and im not yet.. its not like im obsessing about it or anything its just a little dissappointing that everyone in both our families, aunts uncles cousins everyone is so excited except fiances father.. so would this bother any of you at all or would u just not care considering it doesnt seem to bother your SO

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So What Happened?

elena - glad u mentioned that- his stepfather is awesome, like really an amazing guy&dad ..they hada rocky relationship when he was a teenager but now theyre best friends

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answers from Kansas City on

It's just how it is. My mom could care less about my daughter when I was pregnant, didn't want to be there for the birth, anything, until she realized my dad was very excited (they're still married) and then all of a sudden it was "oh, this is so great, yada yada."

My Grandfather could care less about babies, and really doesnt want you to be around him until they're older. That's just how some people are.

My philosophy is that I can't make someone care, so really, it's their loss.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

I wouldn't care esp since you do have other supportive people around. Sounds like its just his demeanor.



answers from Washington DC on

Maybe now you know why the dad and mom are not married anymore. As he said "they are just boring people"

It is nice that his mom cares, hopefully you and she can be good friends. And if his step dad was a good dad, then he'll be a great grandpa.

Don't let it bother you.

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answers from Denver on

If it were me, I would just assume that relationship (between your fiance and his dad) was not a healthy one nor a happy one, and I would continue to be polite and keep the communication lines open like you're doing. It's nice that your fiance calls his little sister, and it's nice that you keep in touch with them. Just continue doing what you're doing.

Of course it's sad, and becoming a new parent yourself, you hope for a good family relationship.

But what I would be more concerned with (not worried about, but concerned in that it becomes something important) is that your fiance develops and continues a good father relationship with your soon-to-be born child. Make sure he understands that fathers are important. I hope his step-father is a good role model and can guide your fiance as he learns to be a daddy.

Congratulations on your baby!

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

I'd be more disappointed about why your live in isn't marrying you. Who cares if an older man is or isn't excited about a baby?Stop trying to worm yourself into a family that isn't even yours. You're pregnant now and you got him on a hook.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Chalk it up to men being men and you are pregnant with raging hormones.

My parents have been divorced since I was 12. I learned a long time ago to not have expectations. If I wanted something to happen, it was up to me to take the initiative and make it happen.

What are your expectations? I went into pregnancy with no expectations of anyone being gaga over me. Keep in mind, that your fiance's mom is more than likely to be more excited than the dad because she has a stronger relationship with your fiance'.

Try not to get your feelings hurt and remember that all this will pass and everyone will be happy to see your little girl. Pregnancy fills us up with raging hormones that can sometimes get out of control. Keep focused on the positive and your excitement of your new bundle of joy.

Congratulations and keep us posted!! We like updates here on Mamapedia!!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

These are all good answers. You'll just have to live with it and appreciate the people that do care. Makes you appreciate them even more. Some people go around with blinders on.

(by the way, it's not could care less, it's "couldn't care less" -- if you say could care less, it means that person could care less)

the very best to you and your baby in every way

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

Sam E, this is something that you will probably be dealing with for the rest of your lives, so it is best to just tell yourself that his dad is just that way, and go on with your life. If you let it get to you, you will get bitter. You do not want that. When your daughter has her first birthday and first anythings, you will probably be disappointed in some people, and you just have to go on. When she has school plays or soccer games, same thing. So just delight in the fact that his mom and your side of the family care and want to be involved, and hold your FIL at arms length and don't expect much from him. Because i will tell you, you will be much better off just saying "whatever" to yourself and going on so you won't become upset and bitter about it for the rest of your life. Your quality of life will be better if you do that. Some people are just really selfish and think only of themselves. Believe me, we have people in our family that way and it doesn't do any good to get upset about it, because you being upset isn't going to change them one bit. AND it will eventually cause strife between you and your fiance, and you don't want that to happen. Let it go. Good luck to you.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

you know what's weird to me is that you guys didn't even tell the little sister, she didn't find out till her brother called to say happy birthday to her......you even said that every one else knows in both families "aunts, uncles, cousins...." but not his little sister?

just accept the fact that his dad just doesn't get into it like others will; men & woman are very very different

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

He's a man. They aren't into the baby thing. I don't think my FIL ever asked me how I was feeling - not once. I wouldn't be offended at all. Do you include his wife on any of this information?

Saying that, my in-laws are extremely boring people and really have no interest in our lives. They are active in our lives but they never ask us how we are doing, or want to hear stories about our boys. The only time my MIL takes an interest in us is if the story will give her bragging rights - it's quite pathetic. And, I think that is really weird.

So I guess what I am saying is - don't put expectations on your in-laws or you will most always be disappointed.

Congratulations on your upcoming new arrival!!!!! Good luck :)

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Redding on

My husband is the same way with his grown son. They dont talk often and when they do it's usually about work and not a real long convo... a few things about what our grandsons are up to. My husband loves his son to bits, but that's just how their relationship is, neither he nor his son like to be caught up in family drama and such. I think that's their way of escaping it. They do love each other very much tho... it's just a bit of a different dynamic than the norm.
So, dont let it make you feel that his dad doesnt care, he is just not a "giddy" man.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Boca Raton on

Maybe you now have some insight as to why he and your MIL split many
years ago . . . (??).

Yes, it would bother me but I would let it go. If anything I would have sympathy for my husband. If he's made peace with it then I would too.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Youngstown on

Some families are just not close. My husband's family is not close at all. He rarely talks to his brothers. He is close to his dad, and that is it. My family is similiar. I am close to my 2 sisters but that is it. It used to bother me, especially when my daughter was born, but I have grown to accept that this is just how it is and it doesn't bother me anymore. It sounds like you have a lot of people that DO care deeply for you, so that is something to be grateful for. Try not to let this bother you. Congrats on your daughter! Little girls are so much fun!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

I would try to focus and cultivate the good relationships you have with his family members and then, let it be.

You can't make people care if they're not inclined. Is it disappointing? I think it's okay to be disappointed, and then to use that knowledge to know where to put your efforts. It sounds like this is more reflective of your fiance's relationship with his father than anything else. Or there may be other feelings going on for his father which come across as apathy. Perhaps his father is really regretting not being in his life now that his son is becoming a father also?... some people have a very difficult time expressing their feelings or even being in touch with them. Good luck.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Bellingham on

What the Casey? Someone has obviously been taking their nasty pills today.

I agree with what Katia H. said.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Some men are just NOT chatty,

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Nashville on

Your fiance and father were not close. Your fiance's father may not be the emotional type if he seem to always ask about the practical things like when you will pick up the truck. The distance in relationship and the length of time could really mean he is emotionally detached. In that case don't let it bother you or expect him to get excited. He might have lagging issues from the divorce that he has not resolved.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

Some men just don't get excited about babies. Some men just aren't excited about life either. Your soon-to-be FIL may be one of them.

Would it bother me? Probably, yes. But I wouldn't spend any time thinking about it.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Charlotte on

Sam, PLEASE ignore that ugly comment. I swear, that poster has NO manners, and neither do the people who gave her flowers.

Take cues from your fiance about how to think in terms of his biological father. He has had a different father (step-dad) who has been part of his life and will be part of the grandbaby's life. His biological dad doesn't even know HOW to be a dad to him - he hasn't been part of his life much since he was 4 years old.. He certainly won't know how to be a grandad.

Of course it's disappointing that he isn't excited about the baby. Everyone else is, so that's what you hang onto.

And I'm PROUD of you for already thinking of yourself as part of the family. That's what a good fiance does, for crying out loud!


2 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

Honestly some men just aren't communicators. Not every family is. My husband and his father love each other. I know my FIL cares about his grandkids. Yet he never sends Christmas gifts, calls on birthdays, sends cards etc... if we were local he would come to their party and bring a gift but he is a bachelor and not the kind of man to get something in the mail or remember to call. He calls my husband occasionally and they both chat mostly about work and working out! My husband will get off the phone and I'll say "How is everyone in the family doing? How is your sister? Your nephew? etc..." Of course neither one of them discussed any of this. Their brains are different than ours and some men are more adept at interpersonal relations than others. I wouldn't take his lack of verbosity as lack of caring. In general men really don't care about baby stuff unless it's theirs. But when women are pregnant they expect everyone to be excited about it! Your MIL is excited and talking about it because she is a woman and she's closer to you. How do you expect a man you are not that close with to be excited about a baby? Short of your husband, Dad or brother don't expect men to go ga ga over a baby. They really truly don't get excited at the prospect of all the tiny little clothes and shoes and the cuteness etc.. that's what we ladies are for! We get excited just thinking about a baby even if it isn't ours! So, I'm excited for you, but don't feel unloved because HE isn't. I'm sure he care about you all and wishes you well.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Honolulu on

I really would not Expect... anything or any reaction from his Dad.
He is the way he is.
Everyone is different.
If you keep letting your Fiance's Dad's personality.... bother you, or you try and make him please you or try and change him or try to keep saying how you wish he were different, then it will really cause problems.
And with your relationship to your Fiance.

He is just a different personality from you and your family.
Let it go.
You cannot make... everyone....excited in the exact same way that you want them to.
Everyone has a right, to be who they are.
And if seems that your Fiance's Dad is not a mean yelling loud spiteful man. He is just "boring" and low-key and non-communicative as your Fiance said he is.
Just accept that.

Or you will CONTINUE to have problems, with your Fiance's Dad even after you get married. Why make problems? This is just a problem of your not understanding another person's self-expression or lack there of.

Not everyone will dance up and down and have constant excitement about someone else being pregnant.

The thing is: your Fiance's family is different than yours. And your Fiance and his Dad... were NOT close. So don't expect this relationship to be like you and your family's.
If you are always "disappointed" in your Fiance's Dad... and your "expectations" of him are always different than who he is, then you will always have problems with your Fiance's Dad. And then your Fiance will probably start to have problems with you about his Dad, too.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

Well, in a perfect world all potential grandparents would be equally as excited as the mom-to-be is about the baby on the way.
It's not a perfect world.
My MIL is not what I would consider to be "involved" with our son.
It used to tick me off and hurt me.
She's the same way with her own daughter's children though.
There's nothing more" going on....she doesn't have "issue" with me, her son or our child. It's just the way she IS.
You can't change people.
Maybe your FIL-to-be has his reasons. Maybe you don't really want to know.
Maybe he is resentful about something pertaining to his son...we don't know that. Or he's got issues with the fact that you guys aren't married...who knows?
The thing is...you can't change people. And pressing the issue will most likely make it worse. So don't.
Stop questioning your fiance.
Sometimes things just need to play out in their own time.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I think men don't get excited about pregnancies (of someone other than their partner having their baby) the way women do.

The other thought is that he may have an issue with celebrating a pregnancy prior to a wedding, and he may not necessarily want that as the example for his teenage daughter. I know that my dad would not have been thrilled.


answers from Houston on

Sadly, it sounds typical of several father/son relationships I've seen.



answers from Phoenix on

Well, he's probably just that type of guy... non-emotional, not really much of a kid person. Don't over think it or be hurt by it, it's not personal & not anything to get worked up about. A lot of men don't care about the details of a pregnancy, relative or not. With so many loving family members, I would be happy for that & let it go.

Casey, are you proud of yourself now? You harshly judged & insulted a stranger on the internet... I'm so impressed. Not! Unwed motherhood was not the topic of the conversation.



answers from New York on

I too have the same past with my family, divorced at 3 remarried by 5 and step and half brothers and sisters. My relationship with my dad is the same. Now that I am grown with my own children, I've come to the realization my dad won't be apart of our lives unless I make the effort. This took me almost 30 years to figure out.
If you want your soon to be father in law apart of your daughters life than go the extra step in calling, repeating stories (because he doesn't remember) or write him out.
I have come to the conclusion he is this way because he feels guilty he was a horrible father growing up that he regrets not being around. He just dosent know how to act with your fiancé.
As my mom says take like a grain of salt.



answers from San Francisco on

Since your "fiance" seems to have the same attitude as his father, even though you say he's closer to his mother (most male children are)...I would be more bothered about history repeating and your child/children having to deal with extended family drama. How committed is your fiance to a life long relationship?



answers from New York on

Don't let this bother you or turn it I to an issue for your fiancé. All people/relationships are different, and we are happiest when we can accept others for who/how they are and adjust our expectations so that we don't face continuous disapointment. (assuming the other is not being harmful) Your fiancé seems to have done that already; maybe rhat's something you should also try to do.


answers from Hartford on

Honestly? Men seem to just be that way. It wasn't a big deal during any of my pregnancies to any of the men on either side of our families when any of the women were pregnant until the babies were actually born. Before that, the babies are just ideas.

The only exception to this in our family was my first brother and his wife, since they got pregnant after nearly 11 years married and being told they'd never be able to have a baby. That entire pregnancy was a miracle and a Very Big Deal. And rightly so.

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