My Fiances Priorities Are Not His Kids and Family

The only advice I can give is do not get married until this problem is resolved. Expecting you to get another job and then have 2 and taking care of the kids on top of that is assinine. I am sorry if this sounds harsh but I'd almost rather be single if this is how it is. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you do.

Lol, hun. Its sucks to be in that position. I have been ther! This is gonna sound dumb, but get a book called "fascinating womanhood". Read it! I guarentee you'll see changes and be like "whoa, what the heck?" I thought the person who gave me the book was nutso, but when I was at the end of my rope, lol, I read it, and was just like OMG! It was a major difference. Hey its worth a shot right, and if it works for you like it did me, it just saved yet another couple!

I hate to say this but it is not going to change unless there is a life altering event and sometimes that doesnt even help. I have the same problem with my husband. We have 4 1/2 yr old triplets. I am a stay at home mom and he works a full time job and a part time job. He comes home and gets on the computer (gets home at 6:30 pm and will be on til 2 or 3am) He barely spends any time with his kids and yells when they "disturb: him. If I knew it was going to be like this before I married him I would have definately thought twice. My husband is a good man, he is just addicted to the computer (EverQuest II) and there seems to be nothing that will pry him off the computer (as long as we are home). One thing that does work for me is to plan for all of us to go somewhere to do something, like take the kids to the park or whatever. As long as the computer isnt near we are good. Good luck!

I would definitely not marry him until you see a change. Either consider some counseling or end the relationship. It doesn't sound healthy to me. Relationships are suppose to be give-give 100%. If a person has kids, their job is 24-7, not just 40 hours a week. I would really think about if this is the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. If it was me, I'd want someone who loved to spend time with me and the children!!

G., get another boyfriend or husband, he will not change. I am living proof. Married 10 years to a workaholic husband and wants nothing to do with our 9 year old son. He is now divorcing me because I can't find a job to help support him financially. I told him I have a full-time job raising our son and being both father and mother to him. There are better fish in the sea, he is not worth it.

I think you should get out while you can. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? It's not good for you or the kids.

G.,

It sounds exhausting!!..if he is not interested in making time for you and the kids, then leave, you said you made good money as well, I always say, if you can't do any worse by yourself than why stay?..even if it means moving out for a while, it might shape him up, and custody wise he WILL HAVE to spend time with his kids, I know it's drastic, my sister said it perfectly once, when she had to leave her boyfriend..." I'd rather be the one that got away than the fool that stayed", I know it sounds like a country song!!..god knows I wish I would've known that many years ago, I stayed in a very bad relationship hoping that he would change..not a chance....you and your children deserve to be happy and with little stress and with an attentive man..good luck...K

I have been in this exact situation and went ahead and got married. Now just over 3 years later we are getting a divorce. It just became too much. There were other factors as well but, this was always a big source of anger and resentment on my part and it just built up over the years. You have to also think if this is what you want your children to think normal and acceptable behavior when they get older. I'm sorry to say things won't get better.

It sounds like you want a daddy for your kids and not a father. Any man can be a "father" but it takes a special man to be a daddy.

I've gone through the same thing you have and have successfully gotten my husband motivated. Here's what I did. My husband used to come home from work, didn't do much around the house or with the kid, but played computer games all night. I do not work outside the home. First, make some time for you and him to talk without the kids around. I sat him down with a list of all the things he does and that I do everyday. I explained to him that the most important thing he can do is spend time with his kid. Don't expect your fiance to change over night--the change is gradual. The most important thing is for him to develop a loving relationship with his kid(s) and slowly wean off the computer and then, spend more time with you or doing other things. Do this in a calm and respectful manner and tone--you don't want to start a fight. Your main goal here is for you and him to work as a team in raising your family. I've learned that fighting gets you nowhere. SECOND, YOU ALSO NEED TIME FOR YOU. Explain to him that you are exhausted and you are taking your frustrations out on the kids. This is not fair to the kids or to you or to him. Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day! Good Luck. I hope this helps!

MC

your man is not a family man! $$ is the #1 priority in his mind. you are becoming someone you don't like and your babies are getting the bad end of the stick! you stated that you talk to him about the situation and he see's nothing wrong. you need to realy take a look at the relationship over all before you get married to see where his head and heart is to see if u 2 are going in the same direction! if your not married and you and are turning it to this angry person that means you are stress, probably tired, your not happy and most important the babies are like i mention before are at the receiving end

G.,
I know how u feel. I am also a 28 year old that has issues like u. But my problem is that my first 2 kids arn't his. Only the baby. My girls have learned not to respect him because of him being on the computer. He tells them to do something like get dressed in the morning and they don't listen until the last minute for leaving for school. And they end up goin out the door like a rats nest. Anyways i see the same thing happening to ur kids. On mothers day i decided that .... opps the computer tower came up missing. and like someone else said oh.. his laundry isn't done. Tonite i think the kids will treat me to dinner. I learned from my ex that kids are unconditional love that will never end unless u let it. Spend more energy and time into ur kids, and maybe he will realize the whole family thing. As for my current situation i am goin to try it again and maybe it will work out the way it is suppose too...

This is the exact situation I was in just recently. We were togther for 5 years before we got married. I finally put up with enough and told him to grow up. I sat down and talked to him. We went through counceling and when he finally realized what he was doing to his kids he straightened up. If your Fiance chooses to live like that, you shouldn't have to. And if that means he chooses his was over you, then I am so sorry but you deserve better. Good luck in everything and I hope it all works out.

I wish I had some great fix it all advice to give you, but I don't, my husband of 9 years is the same way. We have three girls, 4 1/2 yr, 2 1/2 yrs, and 1 1/2 yrs. He spend most of his time upstairs away from us on the computer. We argue constantly and he sees nothing wrong with it. I am a fighter and hate to quit on anything, but I am at the point of filing for divorce. We have talked, agrued and debated, but nothing seems to help. My kids are suffering and I am lossing myself to some crazed woman who yells about things that just should not matter because I am so stressed and tired (does this sound familiar). My advice would be not to get married until you see some changes in him. Set a date that if things have not changed by then, you are done and move out. Your kids are getting old enough to see the problem, but not understand it. It will start to effect their personalities. My once loving daughter is now arguing and being mean to her sisters because she does not know how to handle the tension that exists constantly at home. I will pray for you and your family. If you need a support network, I am at Trinity Wesleyan Church on Sundays.

Please don't get discouraged by this, but things don't get better when you are married. Yelling doesn't help matter, maybe you can sit down with him and discuss what you need out of the relationship and what your children need. If that doens't work, would he consider couple counseling.

What ever you do, DO NOT BE NEGATIVE!! Positive thinking will get you out of this!! Read on:

Go away for the weekend. Make a change of scenery. Go to Disney Land or something! Or Cedar Point! The zoo, a field trip, anything different!!!!!!!

He is tired, and so are you. Your children are getting caught in the middle and it is not their fault. You both need to find better hobbies. Find adventure (even at a virtually free park like Kensington or something!). Summer is almost here. Life will change. Talk to your husband about outside activities you want to do, ESPECIALLY one that involves just the TWO of you
as well as many that involves the whole family (and if he isn't into this at first- go with the kids by yourself. Do something really great he will want to be a part of. Do some homework, be creative! I know you can do this. He will join in, and the whole family will be all-smiles!). Think Free to start. Art in the park, dinner/lunch on weekends at Kensington w/ bike rides, maybe some BBQing, fishing ,whatever. You know what your family likes- flying kites, camping, whatever. Have fun. Your family seems like it needs to get out of a nasty rut!

Work your way into happiness again. Be patient, do some good planning...Your kids will thank you for it and be better little people, just like their parents!!

I hate to say this, but get out while you can. I do believe in the nuclear family, but in this case their father is absent even while in the home, your children will grow up insecure and feeling unloved. Would you want your daughter to marry someone like that? Because the circle often continues, they live what they learn!

You need to just act like he is not around for say 2 weeks. I mean don't make him dinner, do his laundry, anything. If he is wanting to be by himself then let him. You need to show your kids love not anger and it will relax you more. When he asks what is going on you just reply not much. Two can play that game and he needs to have his eyes open. Don't marry if things are this bad because it is much harder to leave. Stay strong and love your kids that is all they ask for,they grow to fast. Gods Blessing to you and your family.

Hi G.,

You need to let him know that since your day doesn't end when you get home from work, neither does his. If he's not willing to step up to the plate and do his part, kick his a$$ to the curb. There are way too many good men out there that will love both you and your kids to be stuck with some idiot that's completely self-absorbed and lazy.

Best of luck with this!!!

there is a school of thought amoung men that is passed from one generation to the next that a Father's sole responsibility is to provide a roof over their family's head and food on the table...that's all.

Chances are very good that your fiance just doesn't know HOW to play with the kids...or HOW to interact with them and you. Because he never saw it modeled by his own father.

The good news is if he's willing he can learn how to be a better more involved father and partner. There are many ways in which to start.

You can implement a family fun night. One night a week (or every other week to start) where there is no TV and no computer. You play a game together, or go for a walk as a family, or just sit an talk about the day.

You can also start some family counseling to get the lines of communication open.

Your Fiance can seek out an older male as a role model (someone from work, school, church) someone who is involved with his family to help teach Him HOW to be a better father and partner.