Advice My Son Hates My Fiance

Time to ditch the guy. Kids come first. If they think for a moment that they don't come first, then they think you don't love them. Ditch the guy.

A., based on your post from January 2010, in this post you are lying to yourself. He is not a good guy and your son knows it. He hates him for good reasons. He is not a good dad to your daughter, he is not a good fiance to you. that post doesn't describe "hard times like any other couple in America today." You need to face reality and chose your child over this man. And if he makes threats, get help. There are shelters, etc. Deal with reality, stop lying to yourself and protect your children.

Sounds like your son is the mature and sensible one. Based on your post from 18 months ago, I bet nothing has really changed, has it? Choose your kids (and yourself) over this guy. If his behavior hasn't changed from the last time you wrote about him, then choosing to needlessly subject your children to this jerk on a continual basis may very well warrant the "bad mother" label. If you're not willing to do what you need to do to raise your children in a loving and respectful environment, perhaps you need to reassess the situation and do what you need to do to make living with his father a viable option. Sorry to be so harsh, but as a former single mother it kills me to see women choose jerks for step-father figures when these guys are clearly not worthy of their children.

Denise P. is spot on with her advice.
Your fiance is not a "good father" based on you previous post.
He is not a good fiance, boyfriend, nor is he husband material.
You son is right.
His father (your Ex) is right.
Dump the fiance and concentrate on your children.
If you are afraid to leave your fiance - as you stated in your 2010 post - ask your son's father for help, or go to a women's shelter.
Leave and don't go back.
Do what is right for your children - you risk alienating your son forever with the path that you are on now.

God Bless

.

Based on your previous post, I don't think you are being completely honest here. You're hiding behind the "short version". You are doing real and lasting harm to your son and daughter staying in an abusive relationship. Your son has every reason on so many levels to hate your fiance and be angry/sad/dissappointed at your actions. You are chosing a man who throws things at you over your child? I know this is probably a self esteem issue for you but think of what this is doing to your sons self esteem and worth. Your fiance HAS hurt your children by abusing you in front of them. They are powerless to protect someone they love. Find a relative, friend, women's shelter to give you the support you need to LEAVE.

A.,
You left your son, for a fiance. It is like that, you did it. The reasoning should not matter. You left your CHILD for a MAN. What kind of man wants and allows a mother to do that? I have no advice, other then to repair your relationship with your son NOW, and worry about the man LATER.

You didn't have to leave, you chose to. A man, over your son.

P.S.
Your "relationship advice" question explains a lot. How could your son like a man like that?? I don't blame him. Please, choose your child first this time.

From your prior posts, I'm not so crazy about your fiance either.
I'm with your son on this one.
Raise your kids and stay away from men for awhile.
It'll do you all a world of good.

Wow...... considering your post of January 2010, I wonder if your fiance' HAS done something to your son.

I really wonder why you are still with him... but then again, that is typical in most abusive relationships....

With past behavior of your fiance you're surprised? You haven't been totally honest with your post. I re-read you older posts and your fiance sounds like an abuser. Your fiance HAS hurt your son. Wake up!

Well, for starters, you should re-read your older post. Everyone else here remembers it, maybe you should start there. Your son is crying out for help, and wants to live somewhere that he is loved, supported, and is a main focus of time and attention. You need to wake up. Your son is giving you your answer. Listen .

Added : things might have changed for you, your fiance, and your daughter, however, your son is older, and can't forgive or let go of the past. He won't be so quick to trust that things have changed as much as you have. Your first priority is for your son and his well being. Your son didn't develop these feelings for no reason. You need to remember the past, and how it was, in order to change the present. Your son was hurt by your fiance, and his actions towards you and your daughter and son. You need to validate your sons concerns, and I would strongly suggest counseling.

Your fiance according to your last post sounds very emotionally abusive, and I wonder if he has turned physically as well, he was throwing things at you even then. Unless there has been some major turnaround in his behavior, I don't blame your son for hating him, and I wonder why you stayed despite the poor treatment he is giving out to you and your children. The victim here is also your daughter, who is torn between her dad and her step-brother, who are both witnessing abusive behavior. Put your son and daughter first and take a long step back away from this man and any damage it is causing your family. Your son is correct here.

I will quote your original post in case you forgot and for others to read:

" I have been with my daughters father for 4 yrs she's 2 and I have an 11 yr old son. We are Not Married. He is not a very good Dad. He does what he wants when he wants. He never helps with anything. He sets in the garage watching tv or on the internet. Goes fiishing, camping for the weekend and now hes going to Vegas for a Bachelor Party. We never do anything as a family. I can't go anywhere without my daughter. He refuses to watch her at all. They are not close in any way. And not to mention he does not like my son at all. My son is a great kid. For the past year he gets angry and says things to me that are cruel. He tells me "he hates", "doesn't love me", doesn't want me in his life. He sleeps all hours of the day. He has thrown things at me in front of the kids. He tells me you have no place to go so I I know you won't leave. Nobody wants you in their life. He told me if you are brave enough to leave I will Hunt you down. He has asked me why I seem so distant from him. What does he expect? I have become distant from him. I'm afraid of him and I have told him that. He laughs. He once told me this is him so deal with it. He has NEVER hurt me physcally but I am torn apart emotionally. He has made threats and has threatned to take of with our daughter which scares me. I want to leave but I'm afraid of what he will do. "

What happened with your son that you had to leave???????????

Kids don't forgive men that 'hurt' their moms.

Something big happened & you should NOT force your son to go back. You & your fiance are teaching your son to, also, be abusive towards woman. If you don't get him the help he desperately is asking for, you will lose your son in many ways.

Just think about all the things your son could turn to to get away from your fiance since he hates him so much; drugs, stealing, etc

A "good guy"? You really believe this? I agree with your son and his dad that you ARE a bad mother for not choosing your son. You are not done parenting this child. And you may be doing irreparable damage to the relationship you have with your son if you do not end this relationship with this man. How could you even write that your fiance never hurt him or was mean to him when you wrote that he WAS in your last post? You are only kidding yourself here.

Why are you asking us what to do? You know what to do. Will you do it? That boy deserves a stable home life, a home he wants to come home to every day, feel wanted, loved and comfortable, and a mom who loves him enough to not be so selfish and only care about her own needs.

It is so hard to answer questions like this when there is so much missing. Like why are you engaged and not married to a man you have a four year old child with? That in itself would be enough for my kids to turn their backs on me.

What I mean is divorce is instability to kids, then you don't marry which screams more instability. That would scare the hell out of my kids and they are very strong kids. Thing is they cannot protect me from bad choices so they would just prefer I self destruct away from them.

Children come first. Period.

The other responses are great so I won't repeat them. You had to leave your son recently? I couldn't respect a parent that did that. Teaming up on you because you chose your fiance over your son....awful on your part.

By the way, when is the big wedding celebration?

Your fiance sounds like he should be hated. You said he's not a good dad to your daughter, he doesn't do anything with the family, and he doesn't like your son. Obviously your son can feel this, and your son can see he's a piece of work. He's not a good male influence in his life. If I were you, I'd be long gone in order to keep my son in my life.

son comes first. & don't resent that fact.

as a parent, it is our job/duty/life responsibility to provide a safe & secure home for our children.

If the issues with your son & your fiancee are creating a division, then it will never get better. The fact that you & your fiancee "have had your share of hard times & arguments" means that home is not secure for your children.

Both your son & your fiancee will feel as if they have "won" at this point, no matter which choice you make. I still say son comes first.

It's time to put your needs/wants aside and focus on what's really going on in your son.

There is something he is holding onto and he needs a way to be heard. He may not even know himself, but the fact is he needs get it out.

I would suggest counseling to help the both of you communicate.

I doubt he or his father are ganging up on you, but his dad my be frustrated because you are being blinded to your son's feelings.

Maybe he wants to spend more time with his dad, is he feels more validated over there.

I think you should get into a counseling program with your son. There is something going there and he's not telling you. hopefull with good counseling he will open up and be able to talk to you.

I've never been in your shoes. I've only been in your son's shoes. And, you are choosing your fiance when your son is in a miserable place and you aren't removing him from it. My mom did the same thing. It was awful. Your first priority is to the child since you had him first and he should be your priority.

I'd try really hard to make it work so that your son can be with his father. It's not a good thing to make him be living with you and your fiance...at least not if it's anything like it was for me as a kid...and especially since it sounds like he hates it. I really think you need to listen to what your son is saying. Kids don't typically hate people unless there is a reason.

Hope you are able to work something out!

Family Counseling. Consider it, you are all worth it.

Your son has been with you all of this time. He has been the man of the house, now you bring in a new man and it is a power struggle for both of them.

You all need to work on what these new relationships will be.

A boys father is a very important person in their lives. There are things dads can give a boy that a mom can not give them. Your son is fortunate to have a dad that is active in his life, so your son is probably also feeling like he does not need another dad.

This is where he and your new husband will have to come up with a new kind of relationship.. This is where family counseling or therapy will help.

It is a non confrontational person with no feelings for either one of these guys who can listen to their concerns, listen to their needs and help guide the guys to come to some agreements. It also will help you to not have to also take sides.

Your son is about to be a teen and that is a whole other ball of wax. Even if this new dad situation wasn't about to happen his emotional needs would be changing anyway. . So going together is going to help you all work on these new relationships, with a person that can help all of you.

Clearly there are far more issues here than have been mentioned. I know you say your fiance has been to counciling, but you cannot expect your son to get past the kind of things your fiance has said and the way he has acted in the past that quickly. It sounds like your entire family needs therapy. I would not marry him until your family has been through counciling, together and separately.

He's the odd kid out. He's not HIS kid but your daughter IS. That can't be a fun feeling.

Having a kid and then deciding to get married seems to have backfired on you. This is going to be a really h*** o*e to figure out because of your daughter.

I'd see if he can live with his dad. Having a dad at his age is REALLY important. IF he wants his kid he WILL figure something out to make it work. That may be the only solution to this.

My first thought was, what is your sons reasoning for not liking him? Then I read denise's response and I totally agree. Your definitely in a difficult position hope someone can help.

Changed man or not, I would not marry him until the whole family was on board. It sounds like your son has plenty of reasons to dislike your fiance. At a minimum, family counseling needs to be considered.

You postpone the wedding, You create space so you can figure out what is going on all around. You ask your fiance to spend a week someplace else so you and the kids can try to work on some of the issues. You do not wed with out making a full effort to respect your son's feelings. You find a family therepist you seek help to make it all work. Should you get married w/out working on making it all work as a family first you will probably be divorced with in 3yrs.

That's a tough one. On one hand I think you which you probably already have asked your son why he hates your fiance. On the second hand you have every right to be happy and be with someone who treats your right. I wonder what thoughts your ex is putting in your sons head.

I wish you well. Maybe some family counseling will help.

Bonnie

After reading your question again and today the responses, I truly believe you know in your heart what's in the best interest of all to be considered. People talk about reciprocal love as if it's rare. This man is saying he changed, or in your eyes he's changed enough to entice you with marriage. However, your son has open wounds that need to be nursed by you before you say I do to your fiance.

You only have the one son and I'm not saying dump the fiance, but you should proceed with caution because abusers are very manipulating chameleons. Just when you think it's safe to re-enter the water....

That's all I'm going to say and hope you do what's best for you and your children.

Well, I went back & read your last post. Sounds like your "good guy" was not always that way. Kids are observant. Kids absorb everything. Kids are easily damaged. Put 2 & 2 together - your son is protective over you & has seen this man mistreat you. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see why your son doesn't like him. You stated that this man did not like your son - do you really think your son didn't/doesn't know that? I'm sure he picked up on the hatred your fiance had for him. Why you would stay with someone who openly admitted they didn't like your kid is beyond me, and why you would stay with someone who treated you that way is beyond me. He may be "good" now, but the damage is done. He is going to have to work to EARN your son's trust & respect, since he threw it in the garbage, and you stood by & let him. And while you're at it, you might want to think about getting your son in counseling, as well. I'm so glad that your fiance got help but your son is left dealing with it on his own.

I think you should marry your fiance and go with it...It is selfish to not understand, especially on your ex's part, that you deserve to be happy and shouldn't have to give that up just because your son is acting like a spoiled brat...Only so many times in life will you find reciprocal love...Trust me!!! Plus, he isn't going to like anyone you date regardless...Just think, in 6 short years, your son will probably be on his way and will no longer be concerned with your love life; he'll be too busy worrying about his..:) ----Oh wait a minute, never mind then, just read the other ladies posts.. I don't keep up on particular peoples problems on here, cudos to the other ladies, but you need to get it together then since you lied and said he was a great guy..

I don't care how much anybody changes, obviously he hurt your son and your son can't get past it. If you haven't gotten your son counseling, then you are way behind in figuring this out. Also, I would ALWAYS choose my child over my fiance. You can always get another man, but your kids are yours forever.

That's hard since your fiance hasn't done anything wrong, you have a child with him, and it's just a matter of your older child not liking him (maybe because it's not his dad). Can you keep him living w/ you but give him more time w/ his dad (with or without it being in a court order)?

Has he said what or why he doesn't like your fiance? I am a firm believer in choosing your children first (it's your job to take care of them and they didn't ask to come in this world, you brought them into it) but if there is truly no reason for this you can't put your daughter through separating from your fiance (that's not fair to her and if she didn't like your next SO, then what would you do?)

I'd try to work out something where your son was with his Dad 50-70% and with you the rest... Your fiance is your daughter's Father and if you are right, that' he's tried his best to be on good terms with your son... then your son needs to be with his Father more than half the time. Let him see just how much greener it is or is not on the other sides.