My Brother's Lack of Parenting Is Driving Me CRAZY

Lolol!!! I love it! I think that that was a long time coming and perfectly appropriate. He would not have "heard" you, otherwise. It sounds like he just expects the other people around him to handle it for him, so I think that you were fine to call him out like that.

I understand that men and women parent differently, but he goes overboard with his inattentiveness, and he is passive-aggressively putting it on you and others.

I would have said more than that -probably brought the whole thing to a standstill and torn him a new one. Don't feel guilty -he's a sorry excuse for a dad! Seriously, maybe you should privately have a discussion with him about how to take care of a child -if they've wet or pooped themselves it needs changing; if they are toddlers, they need to be watched, etc. I would let him know he could stay at home until he learned to take care of them. My feelings on things like that are that I don't have to be around anyone -including family -and if they make my life miserable whenever they're around, they can either get with program or find other places to be than my house.

Sometimes crass is necessary and I hate to say it, but it sounds like your brother doesn't do much in the "daddy" business.

Don't feel guilty, don't ignore it and don't let him start guilting you into doing everything again. They are his kids and his responsibility in situations like that.

Reminds me of dads that say they have to babysit their kids. It isn't babysitting if it is YOUR child.

Oh, yes. This is my daughter! They expect to bring the kids and for you (or me in my case) to take care of them! I remember one xmas my daughter coming with 4 of her children (the oldest being 7, the youngest being 2) and falling asleep on the couch almost as soon as she got there and left me to cook xmas dinner, play/entertain/supervise all the children, and then clean up the mess when it was all done. It's just a matter of laziness on their part. What I would do and what I did do with my daughter is the next time there is a gathering at your home, when you invite him tell him point blank and if he comes, he needs to plan to watch his own kids because you are not going to do it. Then, if he acts the same way (which he probably will - my daughter did) then the time after that, he doesn't get invited. I would make a point of letting him know that you're having this gathering, but didn't feel like you could invite he and the children because you will be too busy or you are planning on having a bunch of fun and won't have time or the desire to watch his kids. So sorry, but if I thought you could/would take care of your own children I'd invite you, but since you can't I don't feel like I can. It will only take missing one family gathering for him to get it. And, if any other member of your family doesn't like it, they can take care of the kids. And no, you were not PMSing or being unreasonably annoyed. This is plain rude! And I feel very sorry for the children. There is nothing worse than watching a child beg for their parents attention and get nothing!

Poor kids.

Yep. My husband.

And THANK YOU for calling him out on it. If family won't, no one will. His wife could be just like him, or she could be talking herself blue in the face trying to get him to realize that he needs to actually *take care of* the children when they're with him. That watching them doesn't mean just LOOKING AT them, but looking AFTER them.

I know, not only at home, but out at parties/ get togethers/ etc I tried to do what so many of our friends do, and "trade" who's "on". If I actually want my son fed and looked after, I finally had to just always be the one who is "on".

I cannot tell you how FRUSTRATING it is to always be the one "on", and the other person just getting a "pass" from family. "Oh... don't worry about it / It's okay, we all get busy/ I've got this/ Where's your wife... It's fine/ alright/ okay/ no biggie" or to just keep talking.... AAAAAAaaaarrrrrrgh!

It's just more and more and more positive reinforcement for being totally neglectful. Subliminal and overt. I cannot tell you how many times I've actually been told "Well no one ELSE thinks I blah, blah, blah."

Dude. That's because we're at a party, and people are trying to be polite. AND because by now they all know I'm going to be there taking care of things the moment I become aware of them.

THANK YOU for saying something.

Big, big, big, HUGE hugs!!!

THANK YOU thank you THANK YOU thank you THANK YOU!!!!!

I would talk to him another time and say, "Look, I get that little kids are needy and overwhelming, but I keep seeing you ignore their basic needs and I can't stand it. Why do you refuse to parent them?" Where is SIL in all this? If Bro has a baby, where's Momma in the changing, feeding, etc.?

Just this weekend I was at a birthday party for a 2 yr old. Mutual friends and I were sharing kid duties and noticed that the menfolk wandered outside for a smoke without saying anything and one friend in particular said, "No, that's not right. BF and I will be discussing this later." Like they just assumed that with all the adults there nobody cared that they weren't involved with the kids at that moment.

As far as your brother, though, he's ignoring his kids. What part of "the baby hasn't been changed in..." or "hasn't been fed in..." does he think is OK?

I had this issue when my mom's ex fiance would bring his granddaughter over who was 2 years younger than my daughter and then dump her on me.

I just got real "stupid" and asked him a gazillion questions. "it's time for my daughter to eat. did YOU want to fix Emmi a plate to eat at the same time... or were you going to feed her on another schedule?" or "Emmi has some questions that I'm not sure I can answer so I'd like her to ask you" etc etc etc.

Now, I believe in mothering all children who are present (everyone is equal / all hands help the closest child no matter who it is / whatever). But not when they are specifically brought over and dumped on me.

I did it twice and then "shortened" my visits so we were just there for dinner (long story, more involved) so then THEY were left to pay attention to her. My mom finally asked and I said that my daughter didn't even like playing with this girl and I chose to only have one child because one child was all I wanted to parent.

I DO NOT basically babysit other peoples kids. I *might* go through the wife (mom of the kids) and let her know what is going on. OR you can go through YOUR mom (hey, What's up with your son ignoring your grandkids.... why do you let him get away with that).

Or I would suggest *we* split the cost of a babysitter for the all the kids.

I would have yelled at him too...

Oh the stories I could tell.....

One time at a BBQ my cousin's daughter (who by the way was mostly raised by my cousin's sister) was crawling around the bbq grill...mom totally ignoring her. I grabbed her right before she touched the hot grill.

My husbands aunt's kids are little monsters. The aunt will only get on to them if they break something, the rest is "oh boys will be boys." Whatever. Not an excuse.

One year, they "were playing" with their new dog, who was about six months old. The dog was "accidentally" knocked off a high bed, breaking it's shoulder. So here the poor dog was in pain and on meds and these kids would NOT leave it alone. The youngest (about six) was getting in the dogs face, and yelling it's name. Finally I snapped and said, "You get your face out of that dogs face right now! He is in pain, and dogs in pain tend to bite."

So did for like two minutes then started taunting, "Look what I am doing! I'm in his face!" So I said, "No I won't look at you, I don't want to witness that dog biting your face." and I refused to pay attention to him. Mom was sitting right there, letting it all happen.

My favorite though was when they went through a head butting stage. Yep, that's right, a head butting stage. Parents never said a word. But, the youngest one tried to give my father in law a hug, then decided to head but him instead. My father in law saw it coming and braced himself (FIL is a black belt and used to these things) kid never saw in coming, and as far as I know that was the LAST time he head butted anyone.

The only time I have intervened was when the kid was in danger.

I am the wrong one to comment on family drama. It is a shame that we cannot choose our relatives!

I am pretty sure this would have been the description of my ex if he went somewhere with the kids. He was just that guy that doesn't think he should raise kids, it was my job and I am sure now it is everyone else's job.

The closest to that I have been a party to is my husband's niece. She is one of those teens that thinks everyone else is doing a fine job of raising her son. I just pointed out to her that he was in danger or dirty diaper. Pointless really, she never looked up from her texting but her mom jumped up to take care of him.

At least your brother looks up. :)

Yep. Got a brother and SIL like that. Refer to about 15 post of mine on here (Lol). I CAN'T TAKE IT EITHER! Seriously. Take CARE of your kids. How can you treat them this way?

You were not out of line. He deserved it! How does the SIL take care of the kids? Any better? If so, let her know how he is when he is at the parties and get togethers. If not, be verbal about it at the functions.

I know easier said than done. I plan to say more, and more often of my brother and SIL's ridiculous behavior with their 5 kids. SO SICK OF IT!

Poor kids! Your brother can keep track of how many hours it's been since his kids were fed or changed but he can't feed or change them?? What a screwball. Why oh why do people have children? This makes me so sad.

You were not out of line. I would have a serious talk with him, What he's (not) doing is neglect. I would speck to him and your SIL out of concern for the kids.

You were completely justified! What is wrong with him?!!! My brother is super attentive to his little ones...he just adores getting down on their level with them and doing whatever is needed. If he were like your brother and was repeatedly doing stuff like this I would definitely say something to him every time. I would be blunt about it too...but I'd try to be kind.

As long as he is rescued he will allow you to do so and any other person in the vicinity.

I say let the kids cry and tell him like you did that his child needs attention. You might be doing the wife a huge favor in teaching him he has children.

The kids won't die from not having a diaper change.

I am also going to suggest that if the family had been together 8 hours that the kids had eaten so if he is saying he has not fed them since 8 hours ago that a light meal might be planned any time he is coming over.

If I knew for a fact that he had not fed the kids since they got up I would call child services and have them removed from the home. They can tell if a child has not eaten by taking blood from them during a hunger issue. It is so sad he is like this. If his wife is a good mom it is not happening when she is home so you know they are eating and being taken care of then.

Stop rescuing him and tell him repeatedly his child needs attention, then speak to others about it and have them "notice" it too and tell him. Then he is getting it from all sides and he has no choice except to get up and take care of his children.

I was glad to read your "crass" comment. Right on point. It is good to be direct with him and "force" him to do his parental responsibilities. I don't think there is anything else you can do. Just try to be matter of fact and not upset with him. You want to be emotionallty available for him if he is willing to talk about his underlying issues. Good luck!

I feel bad for those kids! If that's how he acts at your home then I can't imagine how much they get ignored at their home. Poor things! Someone needs a parenting class!

You were justified in being annoyed. I probably would have handled it differently, but your intentions were right-on.

My SIL parents like this and it makes my husband and I crazy. We host the family frequently and I have gotten into the habit of pulling ALL of the kids to the side at the start of a party and reminding them of the "ground rules" in our house. This includes saying that if you or one of your siblings needs something or needs help, just come ask me or their grandmother.

I have cleaned enough chocolate off of my walls to know that you can't control or dictate how another person parents, but you can certainly set some rules for your own home. Seven years later, they are pretty well-behaved in my home (please, thank you, eating like humans, flushing, etc) because they know my expectations very clearly. What they do in their own home is their issue to deal with!

nah, you weren't out of line, there comes a point that you have to totally call people out sometimes - don't sweat it!

Good for you!! You totally did the right thing. You were a lot nicer than I would have been lol. Hopefully this was a wake up call for him. Poor kiddos.