My Sister's FIL - the Rudest Man I Know -What Should I Do?

Sounds like alcohol is the real problem. I agree with Julie. It's your brother-in-law's fault for tolerating this. He should tell his dad that he's ruining the holiday for everyone, and if he can't be civil, he can't come. If that doesn't work, don't go. Thanksgiving is to enjoy and appreciate family, not tolerate unacceptable behavior from one person who can't control his mouth. Next year, invite your sister and her family to your house, and let the in-laws go ruin someone else's day.

I say go. I would not let this man run my life or how I deal with my family......if he is rude, be rude back.........I've found that is the best way to deal with these kind of people. So if he says something about you looking hot......tell him thanks and no way would you ever deal with someone who looked like him...........I know it seems petty to play these games, but I had a father in law that was the same way.........I had enough one day and we REALLY got into it. After that I was cool to him and basically took everything he said as a joke.......I was not going to go out of my way to be nice to him again.........strangely enough, he settled down......and was almost likeable........even after my x and I got divorced.........so don't back down.......stand your ground and just let him know that it is enough.....no one appreciates what he feels is cute little things.....so grow up and stop it.....or maybe they might ban him from the get togethers...............which would probably shut him up....it's probably his only friends or source of fun...

Just ignore him and have a good time with your sister.....

Take care .

I would thank your sister for the invite but let her know that you have other plans for Thanksgiving. Don't stress over it- Just come up with another time to get together with your sis and her family. You don't have to do stuff together just because it's a holiday- and you're not limited to only seeing her at that time either. But, I would not subject my family to that any more. If he really had changed- he should apologize personally to you and your husband.
~C.

I say give it a shot, this time. You made your very valid and justified point and have distanced yourself for a few year. Maybe now he can show some self control. If he doesn't, tell him that his comments are unwelcome, inappropriate, and not acceptable and point out that he is making everyone uncomfortable with his behavior. Tell your sister (in front of everyone) that as much as you love her and your brother in law, and even his mom you will not subject yourself and family to his behavior again. Hug them and leave. If this happens, maybe you can start alternating who they have for TG each year (one year your side, the next his).

Maybe your BIL can have a talk w/ him before that day and say "Dad, don't forget that others will be here on TG, including kids, and you need to watch what you say."

I have no advice since I wouldn't know how to deal with this situation, just wanted to say sorry you have to deal with such an obnoxious, rude and crass person. What he said to you is absolutely disgusting, sometimes we have to be the bigger person and give a second or a third chance, but I'm not sure I could with someone like this. your poor sister must be a saint to deal with him so often.
I hope things get better for the sake of everyone,

This man is a boor and probably a drunk too. Do not allow him to ruin your holiday. I think you should go to your sisters and ignore the man. Develop a thick skin. He enjoys the reactions he's gotten and the most effective punishment for him is being ignored.

Warn your kids if they are old enough - say something like "sally's" grandpa doesn't always know how to control his words very well. He may say some things that you don't understand or that aren't very nice. We just ignore him when he does that.

It is not worth it for you to miss out seeing your sister and parents becuase this guy is a complete jerk. Enjoy your day and be prepared that he'll say something out of line. You can even set up a pool for what subject he'll say something about and how far in to the evening. When he says it you'll all be in on the private joke and be able to feel like winners instead of his victims. And if you feel like you have to say something suggest AA as you're on the way out the door.

Life is too short to miss spending holidays with the people you love.

I would give him one last chance. What you could do is tell your older kids that he could be rude and he could be nice. If he is rude then you will leave and enjoy your time together elsewhere. Give him the benefit of the doubt and try to be a family again. I'm sure that you family would love to see you.

Wow! He does sound like a real piece of work. Every family has got O. and he's obviously "it" in your sister's family anyway.
I'd tell your sis that you'll come but if he's rude again, you'll be leaving again. I agree that maybe BIL should talk to him and tell him if he is rude, HE'LL have to leave this time?
I'd completely ignore his comments. Sometimes a nice loooooong uncomfortable silence speaks volumes or reply with "pass the potatoes please"!

Don't punish your sister for having to tolerate or put up with a rotten FIL.

But first - big KOODOS to you for having the courage to get up and leave when he said something down right horrid to your husband.

That example right there might be the behavior he needed to straighten up, at least around the family. So really, way to hand it to him. Those are the kinds of boundaries people should feel confident practicing all the time. But we are taught to be just too darn nice sometimes. May I ask where you learned such confidence?

My recommendation: be civil, be polite, be extra loving and sweet to your sister and BIL, but definitely give it a go again. And if it does happen, you know what to do and also what an amazing example to your older kids who will undoubtedly be faced with similar situations in their own lives one day. Think of it as a potential learning experience. Families aren't perfect.

It is no wonder your BIL is the opposite. He had to live with that gross behavior his whole life and his dad was the perfect example of what NOT to be. So congrats to him too.

I am sorry, but your sil should have insisted he stop coming long ago. Until your sil gets enough back bone to keep this man away from her kids, I would not be going.

S.,
You can not control what other people do. Having said that, I would stay home with my family and let them celebrate without you. Maybe next year you can have it at your house and invite your sister and brother in law (w/o his parents). They may not want to do it, but at least you make a point. I think Thanksgiving is one of the most important holidays, and it's not worth having someone ruin it for you. "A lot better" or "cooled it down" to your sister may not be what you expect or may still not be appropriate for you, then again you haven't been there, and he obviously likes making comments about you and your husband; so that's why it might've gotten better.
I wouldn't risk it if I was you.
Blessings

If my sister begged me to go, I would just to support her. That being said, this man sounds like the pig!! Some people just have no filter what so ever and he sounds like one of them. I don't feel that you need to submit yourselves and especially your children to this kind of behavior and language. Your sister says that he has calmed down so maybe he has, but be prepared to leave if anything inappropriate is said.

Another suggestion I have is to have 2 TG celebrations, but not on the same day. Maybe the weekend before or after would work for your family. Good luck!!

Geesh. I don't know what I'd do in your situation. It's sad when a bloviating idiot can ruin an entire family (extended family included!) get together like that. For years on end. Does he drink at these gatherings? Or was that just at the wedding rehearsal? If there is any alcohol served at all, I think I would just stay home. Even if he has gotten "better" in recent years, if he imbibes, that will all go out the window. If there is not alcohol served, then it's trickier.

Would you be comfortable speaking to your brother in law directly about this? Tell him up front, (as if he doesn't already know), that you hate that your families have had to celebrate separately because of his dad's behavior in the past. But you truly don't know if the man is reformed or not, and are skeptical. And concerned not just about having to "deal with" it again, but the impressions that could be made upon your children now. That you will not tolerate any poor behavior in front of your children. If he cannot say without a doubt that his dad will behave, then you cannot in good conscience be in attendance.

Maybe instead of 2 Thanksgiving celebrations, you could invite your sister and her hubby over for dessert only later in the day/evening... ?

That just sucks. Very sorry.

Don't go - you are not related to him and there is no reason why you should have to be around him, Thanksgiving or not. Make your own Thanksgiving plans with your family and figure out something else for getting together with your sister. I'm surprised your sister and her husband still have them over.

I say have a dinner at your house the day after or on the weekend and invite the people you want. She can appreciate the calm enjoyable day at your house after dealing with all that at hers.

umm, ok, the pig on pig joke was pretty funny... BUT the rest I could see why you could do without.. That said, your husband should pull HIS dad aside and talk with him and let him know that his comments just aren't appreciated. Obviously, the guy doesn't know how to edit. As for he and the wife being together for so long, you'd be surprised at why couples stay together.. it's those crazy absurd things in others that some people find attractive. even if others don't. Yet, even so... definitely get your husband to talk with his dad... I mean why is he leaving it up to you. I think he should stand up for you and say.. enough is enough.. be good.. or we won't be there.. done deal.. On the other hand, you could approach it with a sense of humor.. The guy sounds kinda socially awkward.. you could just laugh it all off and know that it's not you, it's him... sling it back to him.. find your inner comic and let him have it..

IT's a tough call. As the previous responses indicate, you'd be justified in refusing, and it's reasonable to want to go as well. I agree with a few points already made:

1) Insist that no alcohol be served (your sister's house, she can make this call)
2) Speak with your BIL directly. It is his father and his responsibility to ensure his father is respectful not only of you and your family but of his family as well! Your BIL should tell him that if he makes any rude or insulting comments toward family members he will not be welcome next year. Period. There is no reason that one person should ruin the holiday for so many.
3) You may invite your sister's family over for dessert afterward. His parents are grownups and can entertain themselves for an hour or so if your sister and her family visit you briefly.

Also, you might consider joining them for dessert instead of the whole dinner to test out the waters. Or just stop by for a few minutes afterward to make it even easier to leave if he is offensive. Of course, you don't want to expose your children to his offensive comments, but it also sounds like you've handled them in a very mature way while still sticking up for your family, and (depending on the ages of your children) there may be a good lesson in that about dealing with bullies.