MIL Ignores You

Updated on May 14, 2012
B.G. asks from East Meadow, NY
17 answers

I speak to my mother in law face to face she ignores me.. My kids are there and she runs to them and doesn't talk to me at all.
This happens in my house her house.. my hubby is not around to see this?
It pisses me off so badly. I want to tell her off but, i can't . What do i do? last time i had an issue with her it came out she went nuts i went nuts and my hubby ended up getting involved.. He was stuck in the middle. I ended up apologizing didn't get anywhere. Now it seem that the MIL relationship is getting worse. When we ask her to watch kids for 2 hours tops. she huffs and puffs. Or makes a sigh.. Oh i will be tired but i will do it.. My parents make no sound effects they just do it and go above and beyond.

What can I do next?

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answers from Oklahoma City on

I agree that when she starts her "I'm so tired but I'll do it" just say "Oh dear, I wasn't thinking, I will find someone else. You work way too hard to have to watch these guys." Then hang up. Do it even when you don't have plans so if you really can't find someone else you aren't stuck without a babysitter.

This will teach her a couple of things. It will teach her that you respect her enough to allow her to not work for you. It will also let her know you are listening to her and hearing her when she says she is tired.....

Have some fun and start cultivating some new baby sitters. Only see this woman when hubby is around. No other times at all.

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

Time to distance. She can be the holidays only MIL. I would never let someone like this babysit. She sounds too spiteful and that would be horrible for the kids...though they probably wouldn't get what was going on.

9 moms found this helpful

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answers from Nashville on

Then don't bug her with watching your kids. Don't invite her to your house to disrespect you by ignoring you. Don't go to her house if you don't have to. When you are face to face, be respectful, but go about your business and do what you have to do. If the time permits, have a talk with her and try to resolve what is really going on, but don't let it get to you.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

No offense, but not all grandparents are babysitters - they have to be willing and obviously she is not so I would simply stop asking. In regards to the Ignoring issue - simply ignore her right back, should she bring it up simply tell her you were honoring her wishes (treat others as you wish to be treated) and move on.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

Your DH needs to speak with her & stand up for you. You are his wife, and like it, or not, he chose you, and MIL needs to respect you. Until she can do that, then she has no business spending any time with your family. What she is doing is not right but it's also showing your kids that it's okay to disrespect & treat others poorly.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

don't spend time with her. Don't continue to give her opportunities to destroy your position within the family. & don't rely on her as a babysitter.

She's lost her privileges within your life. She....has thrown them away.

& as you do this, be very sure that you, too, are not at fault....or egging her on with your actions. Peace to you. :)

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Denver on

Don't ask her to babysit. When she she gives you the silent treatment ('m assuming this is in your home), tell her that it's time to go. If it's at her house, tell the kids it's time to go...and go. Do NOT apologize.

My MIL behaved this way as well. Eventually she did start doing it in front of my husband. He didn't stand up to her as he should have, but he couldn't pretend it wasn't happening any more.

If he won't stand up for, you must do it yourself.

Good luck to you. For us, we keep interactions to a minimum, we don't leave our kids unattended with MIL (there's more behind that though), and I try to be the best DIL I can be given the circumstances. The rest is HER choice.

You cannot make some people happy. Don't try. Grieve for what you had hoped for, do your best, and know that her choices are her own.

I hate that some of us have this situation with our husband's mothers. I do believe that MOST of us truly wanted loving relationships.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Stop asking her to babysit! It is unfortunate that some grandparents don't want to do it. But it is not a requirement for them.
Then stop spending time around her.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Providence on

I think in this case, you have to choose your battles. It's obvious the lady isn't into babysitting. I would stop asking her and " bothering" ( i mean this as the fact that these are her grandchildren, and it seems that she is bothered by the idea of actually spending time or watching them) her.

I wouldn't call, text, or email her until she decides what she what kind of relationship she wants. You don't need the added tension and stress.

I would leave it alone for now.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

I agree holidays only MIL. Just stay apart from her for a while. If you are in the same plae do not talk to her busy yourself with the kids or something else.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Be happy that she ignores's less time and attention you have to put on her and probably fewer conflicts. Do not ask anything from her. Be polite and spend as little time as possible with her. You can't change the situation...just minimize your exposure with her. It sounds like you have a bad history with her so lay low.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

My mom hated babysitting....BUT she loved spending time with my children as long as us the parents were around. I knew this and respected it. If my MIL ignored me like yours....I would be out the door so fast with the kids. My MIL did not like to babysit either so we just never asked after the first time, she did not enjoy my son so why do it.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I'd apologize as sincerely as possible for asking her to babysit and tell her that I would find someone else to watch the kids. Then do it. One of two things is most likely to happen:
1.) She'll tell you that she DOES want to watch the kids and will have to come off the guilt trip a bit
2.) You will find a new babysitter where you don't feel indebted to someone who considers babysitting to be a burden.

You didn't mention how old MIL is? When my nephew was a toddler, my ex-sil's mother (his grandmother) would not watch him. She was approaching 80yrs old, though, and it may not have been a great idea to leave an energetic toddler alone with an 80 year old as the sole care giver. My mom (his other grandmother) was 57 and also had my dad at home with her. My mom was able to watch him a lot, but sometimes even she felt that her own schedule was not being respected. My theory is that no one else is obligated to babysit my child; her care is my responsibiity. If someone offers that service, I am happy to accept their gracious offer. However, I would never want anyone to feel that it was a burden to provide child care for me. So, if your MIL is indicating it is a burden, then just plain don't ask her. If she's just trying to be a martyr about it, call her bluff.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

You cannot change your mil. You can change the way you react to her. Accept that she's going to ignore you. Stop expecting her to pay attention to you so that you don't keep repeating the negative feelings surrounding her presence. Do your own thing, ignoring her, will help you let go.

Do not expect her to babysit. Stop asking. You know that if you ask you'll be disappointed. Protect your feelings. Don't ask.

Stop going to her house if you can. If your husband wants to go let him take the kids. It is not up to you to be sure the grandparents have a relationship with the kids.

I think you'll find that if you can let go of your expectations that you'll be happier and life with be more pleasant.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Honolulu on

Did she act like this to you, even before you and your Husband had kids? Ignoring you even in face to face conversations?

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Agree with KiKi, he married you. You married him, not his mother. Seems like MIL's are the hot topic tonight. If I didn't know better I'd swear Mother's Day was falling at the same time as the full moon.
My husband takes my side when it comes to his mother because he sees that the problem lies with her. So come holidays and birthdays, he does the bare minimum for her just to recognize her. After she said she is "friends" with his ex but "tolerates" me to my face, my husband wrote her off.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

You don't need to be treated this way and shouldn't put up with it. Having a fight with her wont work, so I would use her own tactic against her. Next time you ask say okay if your too tired I'm sure my mom would love to spend time with her grandkids. Do that a couple of times then stop asking. The ignoring thing, just talk around her. Ignore her until she makes it an issue, then make sure it in front of you husband. It will make her look childish and petty. I would make an effort with out making it obvious to slowly cut her out of your lives.

1 mom found this helpful
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