My 3 Year Old Daughter Is Mean to Her Grandmother

One of my granddaughters is 3 and does the same thing at times. Its a phase they go through as they try to figure out the world. When she says this to me I tell her that I'm sorry she feels that way because I love her with all my heart. Instead of trying to solve this yourself why not enlist grandma's help so that your daughter will understand how those words make her feel.

I think it's normal for a child to have a preference, but at 3, she's old enough to be taught that she cannot say mean things to your MIL. Before the next gathering where both grandmothers will be present, spend some time reminding your daughter that she absolutely cannot say or do anything mean to the less preferred grandma.

D.,

Welcome to mamapedia.

Kinda hard to answer your question.There's NOT enough information

1. how often does your mother come to see your child?
2. does your mother smoke or smell different?
3. does your mother talk to her in a squeal-like voice?
4. does she want to play with your daughter's hair or treat her like a doll??
5. Does your mother "pinch" her cheeks and tell her how cute she is??
There are more questions. but you get the point, right? Look at the relationship without bias...she was your daughter is feeling and being treated. Yes, it's your mother - but she may be treating her differently.

Ask your child simple questions while your mother is NOT around. Ask her why she doesn't want to hold grandma's hand. LISTEN to her. DO NOT tell her her feelings are bad or wrong. they are HER FEELINGS and she is entitled to them.

She needs to learn how to be nice to people she doesn't like. She's 3. It will be hard. Kids do NOT have filters. They will say and ask what is on their mind. Don't cap her feelings.

What's with the touching from grandparent questions this morning :) Just had another question related to a 3 year old not liking being touched by a grandparent this morning. Maybe check out those answers.

Why not ask your daughter why she doesn't like grandma? I think you'd have to figure out why before you can alter the behavior to make it a more positive experience.
In meantime, you can practice not being rude with her - it's not ok to say "I don't like you".

you can't force a happy relationship. and i do think that moody toddlers and tiny people should have the option NOT to be touched or held if they don't want to.
but mean talk can and should be curtailed. if she tells her grandmother that she doesn't like her, give her the stern parental face and 'no mean talk!'
if she persists, she gets banished.
but i would not force her to let grandma hug or hold her. she should learn from the gitgo that her body is hers to allow or withhold. and talk to grandma out of her hearing if grandma's feelings are hurt. but most grandmas are well aware of the vagaries of small children and sensible enough not to hold grudges.
khairete
S.

You don't really give a lot to go on. What's the history? Does she know one woman better than the other? I had a grandma that wanted to turn me into a human doll and insisted on acting like a lady and frilly dresses. I preferred the grandma who let me get dirty, encouraged me to be whatever I wanted and didn't try to stuff me into a dress.

Little kids are not known for tact, however. I would try to remind your DD that you are visiting x grandma and she needs to remember to be polite. It's the difference between "ew!" and "no, thank you." It's "thank you for the present" even when it's something weird. She doesn't have to treat them or like them both the same, but she can learn respect.

Further, if she simply doesn't know your mom well or your mom doesn't "do" little kids well, then try to help them out with things like crafts or a park adventure where hand holding is optional.

OR am I misreading this and she likes both grandmas, but only if they are not in the same room? If that is the case, I'd try the route of "there's plenty of love to go around and you can love grandma x all the time, even when grandma y is here." Even though she is only 3, you can try asking her why she does that.

Hi D.,

It is difficult to teach a 3 year old about empathy but she's old enough for you to start. I would ask have you had a conversation with her and asked her about her feelings? Did something happen to prompt this? Insight is not a long suit for this age but if you can try to find out if there's something specific your mom is doing or expressing to elicit this response from your daughter, I'm sure you'd want to know what it is. If it's just a general personality clash that could also explain it.

either way, your daughter needs to know that her behavior is not only hurtful to grandma but it's also disrespectful to her elders. reassure her that she has a right to her feelings but how she expresses them is the issue. reinforce that she's not allowed to engage in mean talk to anyone and keep an eye on her during these visits, if she breaches that boundary then address it in the moment, as waiting for later will create an abstraction that could be confusing.

this is a phase and she's allowed her body boundaries even at 3. Mine went through one where he hated having his head rubbed and it was hard not to take it personally....after all, I made that head didn't I? sigh....while true, that doesn't mean it's mine to do with as I please.... ;-) S.

For whatever reason, your daughter doesn't "click" with your mom. You probably don't click with everyone either. The key is teaching your daughter to be polite, but don't push a relationship that isn't there - don't force hugs/kisses, etc.

See if your daughter can say WHY. Does she smoke? Wear strong perfume? Hug too hard? Are the grandmas' personalities completely different? There are VALID reasons she might not be clicking with one grandmom and they need to be respected and/or addressed. BUT, she does need to learn not to be mean.

Ditto what Marge said. Good grief.

Anyway, tell your mom that you are so sorry your child is being a pill. Ask her not to touch her right now while your daughter gets over this phase. Don't send your mom outside with her or anywhere where your daughter would need to hold her hand for safety. That puts your mom in a bad position and your daughter in a precarious one.

BUT, you cannot allow your daughter to be mean to grandma. Period. If she says or does anything ugly, including telling her that she doesn't like her, you send her to time out and tell her that she is NOT allowed to talk to anyone that way. Be STERN. And make her apologize. Tell your mom to tell her the same thing "You may not talk like that to me or anyone else."

You will rue the day that you allow this child to run your household, and that includes running people out of your household. She is testing the waters challenging authority, and she's using your mom to do it. Don't put up with it.

She's torn with her loyalty. She loves both but when one comes around she shows the other one more attention so she won't feel less loved.

I suggest both grandmas let her know it's okay to love both of them and it would even be great if they spent time with her together doing things, going places, etc...they, of course, need to get along while doing this. Hopefully they can do that?

If she is acting out and saying these things to one grandma and the other one is sitting right there that grandma needs to tell her that it's not nice to say things like that to the other grandma. She needs to see both standing up for the other.

If this was happening to me I, a grandma, might take the other grandma and go do something fun. Telling the little one that only nice people get to go with grandma. Then let her learn if she isn't on good behavior grandmas don't like it.

There is a difference in how my kids react to my parents and my MIL.

We only see my parents a few times a year. My kids love to be with them. My mom plays with them, reads to them, cooks with them, teaches them crafts. My dad tells them stories and jokes and tries to play games with them despite his physical limitations. They interact a lot with them and are both very encouraging and don't pressure my kids to do anything.

We see my MIL many times a week. My kids like to spend time with her, but... She watches them play and doesn't really do things with them. She is more of an observer. She is constantly telling them to dress warmer, read something to her, spell something for her, count this for her, stop jumping so much, to be careful, to put a hat on, to say I love you Grandma, or kiss her. She will offer them something to eat or drink over and over, even when they say no It never stops. They quickly lose patience with her and they often complain about things she does. They don't like to spend a lot of time extended periods of time with her.

Your daughter is only 3 and at that age kids do sometimes have a hard time with not having favorites. Our daughter was a total daddy's girl at that age and our son was a total mama's boy at that age. It's possible that she just relates better to one grandmother right now. That could be because of how they interact with your daughter or how much time she spends with them. It can seem that she is being hurtful, but at this age it probably isn't intentional. She will outgrow it as she gets older. Your mom will just need to be patient.