My son is 11 years old and is a well rounded happy good boy! He is an all star athlete and spends most of his time on a baseball field. He is getting to that age where friends are coming into play and sleepovers etc are where he wants to be. His father and I were divorced when Alex (my son) was 10 months old. He was in and out for the first 4 years and moved to Florida from age 4 to 8. He saw him once a year during that time. My ex returned when my son was 8 and things were difficult for a while but we managed to get him on a routine. He does not have a "closeness" with my Ex but has been compliant. The past year or so things have been getting harder and harder and he no longer wants to go and recently down right refused. When he went this past Saturday he cried and cried until eventually my ex told me to come get him....He yelled at my son and told him "Get your stuff I am selling what you don't take" " Hope you are f******* happy!!" My son was obviously VERY upset. He is now feeling like he never has to go again, I am not sure what to do. It is important for children to have both parents but this is ridiculous....any thoughts would be great!! We do have a court order in place and my ex did write me the other day and stated "he is done and handing over custody" I do not agree with him walking out again. I am trying to convince him counseling may be best.
Your son has seen a side of his father that he does not want to be around. You cannot force a relationship. Your ex was an absentee father from the beginning. Get some counseling for your son, stop sending him to his father's and if in the future your son wants a relationship with his father, he can facilitate it.
Just because he is a father, doesn't make him a dad. Sometimes not being around someone is more healthy than being around them.
What a JERK. I can't believe your ex would treat his son like that. That is so damaging. Yes, have your son go to a therapist regularly bc this is an issue he will have to work through for much of his life. I say this bc my parents divorced when I was 4 and things were not good for me growing up. My dad was neglectful and uninterested...it has taken me a long time to get to a place where I do not feel angry.
Why would you fight for your son to be around such an unhealthy person? I have friends who are desperately trying to gain full custody with no visitation to keep their kids from experiencing what your son did with his dad.
Your son does need counseling. If his dad doesn't want to be a dad, why push it? Let him walk away for your son's sake.
You know, in a lot of situations I would encourage everyone (mom, dad, kid) to make some kind of visitation work. But here, you have a great kid, who's old enough to know what he wants, and he's saying no. And the dad is actively walking away. It sounds like kind of a good riddance situation, to be honest.
The only thing I might recommend would be counseling. For your son -- this has got to be hard for him, even if he doesn't show signs of it right away. And for you -- at least a consultation so you can figure out age-appropriate ways to explain your ex's actions to your son, and shore up his sense of security after all this.
Your son is old enough to know when he is not wanted. Don't force him to go back. This betrayal will be very hard for your son. Fill his life with lots of love and support from good male role models.
You picked a loser to be the father of your son. Now with some maturity and life experiences...go find good,strong, reliable male role models to nurture relationships with your son. He needs men in his life who care and will show him how a real man acts.
I wish you the best. My heart aches right now for your sweet son. This is so heartbreaking. I have two sons..and they worship their father...and he dotes on them and makes them feel so special and loved. Sigh....
I agree, your son's bio dad is not a DAD and your son should not be forced to have a relationship with this man just because he happened to be his bio father. How is that going to help him at all? It won't.
Let the bio dad cut ties. It's better than him trying to have custody!
Children don't need both parents, they need a loving adult. In my opinion, if the adult isn't loving and helping them to grow, then they don't need them!
Perhaps one day you will find a man who will step into a father role for your son. Until then, cut ties with your ex and get your son some help.
Poor kid.
You can't force your ex to be a good father. What an a**hole. If he is going to yell statements like that to your son, it's probably best that he's out of the picture.
I don't know how child support will work, but I think it might be a good thing if this a-hole is out of your son's life. Make sure there are healthy male role-models in your son's life.
Good luck, I know it hurts.
Counseling. Even if his father never sees him again, the boy needs someone to talk to.
I would get to the bottom of why your son doesn't want to visit and why he was crying so much that his father asked you to take him home. There is more here, IMO.
I would also consult a lawyer, as you do not want to be in contempt if you do not enforce visits. If your ex is truly done, then ask a mediator or lawyer to draw up a new CO.
Get the court order modified if that is what your ex is willing to do. You don't want him calling up a year from now demanding to exercise his court given rights and go through this all over again.
As for your son, maybe that is one of the reasons he loves baseball so much: he has a coach who spends time with him and mentors him. That is one way sports can be such a benefit to kids. Many a kid has been "rescued" from a bad home life by having sports as an outlet and providing good role models. I hope your son's coaches are aware and fill those good mentor roles.
And counseling wouldn't hurt for your son. No matter how it happened or his apparent feelings about it (didn't want to go in the first place), he has been rejected by the person who is supposed to be his father. That hurts. No matter what. He doesn't HAVE a dad, that was the closest thing he had and it sucked for him. But he will still mourn losing it. And feel like he is to blame somehow. It's how kids view the world from their limited perspective. He needs outside help to deal with this (someone objective, not just you mom).
Good luck. Poor kid. I hope he has coaches and friends dad's who take him under their wing with their own sons.
If he's not willing to go to counseling maybe not seeing him would be the best for him. Yes it's good to have your father in your life but if he's going to treat him like that unfortunatly he might be better off. Sounds like you are doing all you can do. Keep your head!!!
If your ex responded to your son with "get your stuff I am selling with you don't take" and swore at him... then I can understand why your son never wants to see him again. His father is not a positive influence in his life. I do agree that it's important for kids to have both parents, but only when the parents are positive influences and want to be a part of their child's life. Why make your son spend more time with someone who obviously doesn't cherish him? You'd only be telling your son that you're placing someone else's interests above his. I'm not sure if it would be his father's interests, yours, or the courts... but it really doesn't matter. At 11 your son would only see that you're forcing him to spend time with a jerk who he has little relationship with. Why do that?
Hmmmm . . . I'm not sure why a kid needs to be around an adult who is so obviously emotionally stunted, parent or not?
Yes, I generally agree that kids need both parents. But I would question whether your ex has the capability to be even a half-way decent PARENT (not a friend). Your son does not exist to coddle his feelings. Was that really the best way (yelling, threatening to sell his stuff and cursing) to handle your son's obvious distress? For an eleven year old boy to cry, especially one that's so into sports - generally that's a big deal.
Obviously you didn't want to be around this guy - and it sounds like for good reason. Maybe your son has noticed some of the same less-than-desirable personality traits? Have you delved into what, exactly, goes on when he's over there?
I'm not talking about a situation where one parent actively alienates or trashes the other. It doesn't sound like that's the situation here.
Yes, I agree some counseling would be good to sort all this out. But I would not make my son feel like HE is the one with the problem. I also would make sure that I'm not pushing the situation for my own benefit (i.e., getting a break).
Good luck and I hope all this works out for the best.
It's always sad when a parent walks away from a child, but really, no dad is a whole lot better than a crappy, abusive dad, right? I wouldn't want my child exposed to the kind of behavior you're describing here, and I'd take him up on his custody offer. No child should be forced to spend time with a parent who doesn't want them.
Sorry to say your son is better off without him. My DIL and son are going thru hell with father of her kids. Can't understand how someone can hate the way her e does. Has brainwashed kids. Too long of a story. Sorry you are going thru this. I truly understand.
I don't see any reason for you to be forcing this. Your son is coming to an age where he wants to do things with his friends when he's not in school. Why would he want to spend all of his free time with a man who had no problem walking out on him in the past. I mean, basically, up until about a year ago, his father had no problem at all ignoring him. Dad set the tone. Cats in the cradle. ya' know?
I say let your son take the lead; if he asks to go, call dad and see if it's okay. But if he doesn't ask, leave it alone.
As long as there is a court order that says your ex has to have "x" amount of time with your son, you have to make it available to him. If your ex chooses not to take visitation when he can, that's up to him. But you can't say that you won't allow your son to go.
WHY is your son so against going? I think maybe that is what you need to figure out. Did something happen? Is he scared? Bored? Angry because his dad has been in and out of his life so much? There has to be a reason - besides just that he wants to hang out with his friends - that he doesn't want to go.
Maybe you need to switch how and when they get together. Instead of a weekend when your son would rather be with friends, maybe they can go to dinner on a week night. Maybe they could get tickets to a sporting event (if you're close enough to Boston/Foxboro) since your son likes sports so much.
Bottom line: talk to your son to get to the root of the problem, then work together with your ex to find a solution. Until the court order is changed, you have to do everything on your part to make the visits happen. Unless your ex wants to cancel the visit, you have to comply.
Sounds like dad was really trying and probably feels like a failure at parenting. He doesn't want to feel like this anymore, I'm sure it hurt.
I suggest that your son does need to see someone. He's under court order so I would have simply told him that the judge says he has to go and that's that. Then I'd have packed him up and told him he was going.
I wonder what he was saying to dad when he was upset. Did he say I want to stay at home and play with my friends? I want my mom? I don't like you and hate being here? What he said to dad will tell you a lot about how he was feeling.
I truly would get him to someone to find out why he's crying at this age. This to me seems like a huge overreaction.
